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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When is a gift not a gift?

95 replies

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2021 22:33

Friend 1 and Friend 2 live together.

For Friend 2s birthday Friend 1 makes a pamper box. This includes Friend 2s favourite ice-cream, 2 bars of chocolate, face masks, a big candle, posh crisps. Cocktail making stuff.

Friend 1 is in the middle of making the box when Friend 2 arrives home from work. She gives the gift box to Friend 2, Friend 2 loves it but is a rush as going out for a birthday meal and says thank you. She has plans this Weekend but will do the pamper night ASAP.

Friend 2 goes out and when returns box is in her room.

Next night Friend 2 goes in freezer to find some ice-cream and realises ice-cream from gift is missing. When asked Friend 1 denies the existence of ice-cream before admitting she has eaten it all. Friend 2 is upset this was her gift but Friend 1 says its a joint ice-cream so can be eaten and replaced.

Friend 1 and Friend 2 have the pamper night and enjoy it. Friend 2 sees there are things left over 2 bars of chocolate a face mask and the posh crisps so plans to use them next time they have a pamper session and leaves them with the pamper items in a basket in a shared room.

A few days later she notices the posh crisp have been eaten. Friend 1 says the crisps were never in the gift box. Friend 2 shows her a photo that shows they were in the box and Friend 1 says she didn't mean for them to be and it was a mistake as they were for herself.

Friend 2 then eats 1 bar of chocolate but replaces it and asks that Friend 1 also replaces the crisps when they go shopping.

Is friend 2 unreasonable for being upset that items that were given to her as a gift have been eaten?

OP posts:

caringcarer · 02/08/2021 00:12

Friend 1 is greedy. Friend 2 should get a lock for bedroom door and lock her things away from light fingered and greedy friend 1.

Lolamambam · 02/08/2021 00:13

@eightyfourandahalf

I am fascinated by the concept of "posh crisps".

I am guessing that it must come from the same place as the "posh chocolates" people refer to (but NEVER actually explain what they are!)

Cool comment bro.

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 02/08/2021 00:13

I replaced the chocolate because it was a gift experience for the 2 of us and I ate the chocolate due to pms and then felt bad and replaced it as it was "ours" but yes agree I a) didn't need to replace it b) lost the highway

OP posts:

Astella22 · 02/08/2021 00:16

I couldn’t get upset about this. Honestly if it’s left in a shared area then you run the risk of someone eating and enjoying it. It’s a bit of junk food. Just ask her to replace and have a giggle about her munchies.

soapylaces · 02/08/2021 00:25

So what does a pamper night entail? When I think of pampering I imagine a spa, not really eating loads of junk food. I am quite old so maybe I'm out of touch. Also, what's Netflix and chill ice cream?

Your friend isn't very nice. I'm glad you've got lots of other friends. Is she just a room mate rather than a close friend? Maybe she'll move in with her boyfriend soon.

How old are you both out of interest?

MadMadMadamMim · 02/08/2021 00:35

Friend 1 has a kind heart but is also a greedy cow, who thinks that if there is ice cream, crisps, or any goodies in the house...even goodies she's given to someone as a present...then they are fair game for her to stuff down her fat gob.

Friend 2 is appreciative of the gift, but rightly taken aback by the way the gifter has troughed through her present, lied about it, and by the entire bizarre experience.

Does Friend 1 have food issues?

billy1966 · 02/08/2021 00:51

@H8theW8

OP, your 'friend' isn't a friend at all. She's a user! Don't allow her to treat you like an option when she expects you to make her a priority.

This.

She's batshit and a PITA.

I would be both wary and flat hunting.

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2021 05:52

Friend 1 doesn’t sound like much of a friend

Am I right in thinking you were planning a trip with her but she decided she didn’t want to go, made other plans without telling you and then you had to find last minute arrangements for your birthday? Plus then she ate your present? Not cool

Kalvinette · 02/08/2021 05:57

You need to rename your evenings because arranging the living room in a "spa like way" to then chow down on kettle crisps isnt exactly a pampering treatment. More like a chill session.

Tell her she owes you a chill session snacks restock

Rumplestrumpet · 02/08/2021 06:05

Your updates makes clear that this "friend" is incredibly selfish, willing to drop you when something "better" comes along (even on your birthday!) and is treating you really badly.

It's not about posh crisps or ice cream. It's about letting you down, lying to you and generally being a bad friend.

You're incredibly forgiving but should protect yourself a but more.

ObviousNameChage · 02/08/2021 06:26

Friend 1 is not a friend. That's why all the weird and awkward stuff is happening.

I'd probably appreciate the gift too and wouldn't mind sharing or even her eating stuff, but the lying and gaslighting is worthy of a "fuck off". Having to prove with pictures that you're right and she's lying? Honestly, fuck that. She's messing with your mind and boundaries and that's never ok, no matter what kind of crisps they were, or when they were eaten.

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 02/08/2021 06:32

Thank you for the reality check.

OP posts:

ThinWomansBrain · 02/08/2021 06:33

the person who was given the gift can stuff the lot, no obligation to share.
who on earth wants to eat ice cream, chocolate & crisps while wearing a face mask?

clickychicky · 02/08/2021 06:38

Friend 1 is not a friend. They could have owned up straight away but instead tried to lie their way out of it be careful.

HungryHippo11 · 02/08/2021 06:48

@Kalvinette

You need to rename your evenings because arranging the living room in a "spa like way" to then chow down on kettle crisps isnt exactly a pampering treatment. More like a chill session.

Tell her she owes you a chill session snacks restock

Why does it matter what they call it?

Mayra1367 · 02/08/2021 06:52

I’d move out , way too much drama .

Sparklfairy · 02/08/2021 07:04

You know netflix and chill is a euphemism for sex right?

woodfort · 02/08/2021 07:07

I didn't ask where MY icecream was, I said wheres the netflix and chill icecream.
I thought Netflix and chill was code for sex?

Anyway.. ugh .. all your posts are giving me such awful flashbacks to when I lived with a friend and lost the friendship. We both ended up just so petty (a bit like this). Just like your flat mate seems to, I felt like she acted badly because she had a boyfriend and she a) put him first even above plans she had already made with me and b) really wanted to be living with the boyfriend and was insecure about the fact that she wasn’t so took it out on me. I’m sure she would have lots to say about me too.
Anyway my point is, friendships often breakdown when you live together.

Standrewsschool · 02/08/2021 07:07

The food was given to friend 2 so it’s up to friend 2 to decide when it’s eaten, either by herself or as a shared activity.

BorderlineHappy · 02/08/2021 07:07

So when you booked to go away with F1 for your birthday.She didn't go and didn't tell you.
She then came back a day early.Realised you had plans so buys you ( and her) a gift to do together
And the hen eats the content and denies it.

You buy her ( and you) a cooking thing and F1 fucks off and leaves you halfway through cause she got a better offer .

She's not a friend,I'd put bound in.Start treating her like a flatmate.

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 02/08/2021 07:15

I know!

But it's a bwn and Jerry's icecream!!!

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 02/08/2021 07:32

@Lolamambam

Friend 2 didn’t have a leg to stand on once she’d eaten a choc bar on her own though. Weird that she “replaced it” when it was her own gift, given for her.

it was friend 2's gift!

lottiegarbanzo · 02/08/2021 07:38

So 'friend 1' aka your flatmate, made plans to go away with you for your birthday, dropped them in favour of her boyfriend - and didn't tell you!!! (How apologetic was she about this? Very, very sorry, embarrassed and making good any financial loss, I hope). She then threw together this 'pamper box' as a 'feeling guilty, this will do' gift, to give you a nice evening, in lieu of the cancelled trip.

It turned out you'd made plans and were not in fact completely dependent on her for your celebration.

She should have said 'great, so pleased you have plans. See you tomorrow. I'm putting something together here for us to do another night, I'll show you tomorrow.' You should not have missed your train.

Why did you feel the need to miss your train? Why did you feel obligated to give attention and gratitude to someone who'd let you down and messed you around so badly? To do so at your own expense?

Why are you so obsequious towards her, so grateful to her for being your friend? You seem to be treading on eggshells around her, for fear she'll drop you, or turn against you. She seems to expect you to do this.

It sounds as though your whole friendship is based on the idea that she's doing you a favour and you are grateful for that.

As an aside, if you left all the leftover food out in the living room, after the 'pamper evening' had taken place, I can understand her seeing it as leftovers. To an extent (stuff that had been opened anyway).

But in reality, I think her eating the food was as much an expression of hurt pride at the 'ingratitude' you showed her, by having other friends to go out with on your birthday and not being completely dependent upon her for your entertainment, as it was greed and selfishness. She'd put this box together thinking you needed her and she was doing you a favour. She feels you made a fool of her by having your own plans.

Just remember, people treat as well or as badly as you let them. That doesn't mean you have to be confrontational. Just that you need to look after yourself; recognise what your own needs are and put those first.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/08/2021 07:50

Oh and call your relaxing evening whatever you like.

I remember going to a spa once (The Sanctuary, Covent Garden) and being surprised at the lunch menu, which was all what I'd call comfort food, or even nursery food; sausages and mash, fish pie, puddings etc, plus a good wine list. I'd expected lots of superfood salads and smoothies. My companion said 'oh, it's not meant to be healthy food, it's pamper food'. This made perfect sense, in its weird way. Pamper food / comfort food.

Btw, your friend bailing half way through the cooking evening you arranged for her, because of a better offer, was rude, ungrateful, shitty behaviour. She could not have demonstrated more clearly that she sees you as her back up plan only, never her priority.

woodfort · 02/08/2021 07:57

I wouldn’t bring it up again though if I were you, not for the sake of £5 ice cream and £1 crisps (not that you’re in the wrong, just it would look petty).
Lesson learnt from all of this - the bailing and the lying etc. She’s not as good a friend as she once was or you thought she was and you should work on gradually distancing yourself.

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