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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When is a gift not a gift?

95 replies

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2021 22:33

Friend 1 and Friend 2 live together.

For Friend 2s birthday Friend 1 makes a pamper box. This includes Friend 2s favourite ice-cream, 2 bars of chocolate, face masks, a big candle, posh crisps. Cocktail making stuff.

Friend 1 is in the middle of making the box when Friend 2 arrives home from work. She gives the gift box to Friend 2, Friend 2 loves it but is a rush as going out for a birthday meal and says thank you. She has plans this Weekend but will do the pamper night ASAP.

Friend 2 goes out and when returns box is in her room.

Next night Friend 2 goes in freezer to find some ice-cream and realises ice-cream from gift is missing. When asked Friend 1 denies the existence of ice-cream before admitting she has eaten it all. Friend 2 is upset this was her gift but Friend 1 says its a joint ice-cream so can be eaten and replaced.

Friend 1 and Friend 2 have the pamper night and enjoy it. Friend 2 sees there are things left over 2 bars of chocolate a face mask and the posh crisps so plans to use them next time they have a pamper session and leaves them with the pamper items in a basket in a shared room.

A few days later she notices the posh crisp have been eaten. Friend 1 says the crisps were never in the gift box. Friend 2 shows her a photo that shows they were in the box and Friend 1 says she didn't mean for them to be and it was a mistake as they were for herself.

Friend 2 then eats 1 bar of chocolate but replaces it and asks that Friend 1 also replaces the crisps when they go shopping.

Is friend 2 unreasonable for being upset that items that were given to her as a gift have been eaten?

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 01/08/2021 23:12

Friend one is a massive cheeky, greedy arse. Obviously.

F1 also appears to have difficulty with self-control and to be a binge eater, so accustomed to lying to cover her tracks that she doesn't care when the lies are absurd.

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2021 23:14

@Saidtoomuch

The fact that these are small items is irrelevant really. Your house mate is gaslighting you, if I understand the meaning of the word correctly. She put ice-cream and crisps in the hamper, then claimed they weren't there. She then made you doubt yourself that the hamper was a gift for your birthday and said it was a treat to be shared.

When asked where the icecream was, she denied knowing what ice-cream twice and then admitted to eating it. She now says she ate it because she got the munchies but when first asked she told me she ate it because I didn't appear thankful enough and had put something in the larder which turns out she had put the item in the larder herself.

When asked about the crisps she immediately told me "I didn't put them in the box" even when I showed her the picture she told me, well I didn't mean to.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 01/08/2021 23:16

I'm not sure F1 is really much of a friend to you. She sounds weird and very manipulative.

Blindleadingtheblind · 01/08/2021 23:20

This thread should read "when is a friend not a friend?" And the answer is "when they are a cheeky lying twat".

The idea of a shared gift sounds naff and your friend just wanted the food for herself.

Skysblue · 01/08/2021 23:22

Friend 1 has a weird relationship with food / total lack of impulse-control / possible eating disorder territory. It is weird to steal food that was given to someone else and then lie about it. I can only think that she bought the junk food she was craving, pretended to herself it was for her friend so she didn’t feel bad about buying it, then couldn’t control herself and started lying about it. Weird.

Friend 2 was also possibly a little rude not taking the gift off to her room when it was given. Leaving it lying around in shared areas didn’t make Friend 1 feel appreciated and may have been part of the reason Friend 1 stole it back.

Somuddled · 01/08/2021 23:22

That's odd behaviour but does feel like you left out some details. Sounds like you came home and she presented you with a birthday gift and then you went on to have a birthday meal and possibly other weekend plans which she wasn't invited to. Is that right? Could she have felt very upset and left out and so turned to the food both to "get back at you" and comfort herself?

oopsyydaisyy · 01/08/2021 23:24

which crisps 🙂

Rogue1001 · 01/08/2021 23:25

3 posters have armchair diagnosed F1 with an eating disorder. Really???

eightyfourandahalf · 01/08/2021 23:26

I am fascinated by the concept of "posh crisps".

I am guessing that it must come from the same place as the "posh chocolates" people refer to (but NEVER actually explain what they are!)

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2021 23:29

@Skysblue

I'm happy to be told I'm to blame.

I bumped into friend 1 as I came home to drop something off and then head out again. I was only in the house for 5 minutes and she was making the gift. I stopped, listened and thanked her, but explained I would miss my train but stayed (and missed the train) so I could thank her then raced off as she was still doing stuff to the box. I believe I could have maybe shown some more grace, thought and thanks.

Friend 1 gave the box, I then set up the lounge to be all pampering and spa like, even though I'm not a pampering type person. I bought us some yummy food and desert to eat too. So showed willing and happy with gift. When finished all the bits, clean towels, slippers, candles and excess food was on a trolley but yes I could have tidied them up better. Told her my plans for the shared food.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2021 23:35

@Somuddled

I can see why she may have felt left out and maybe comforted herself with food.

Without a mass drip feed.

I had booked for us to go away for a few days to celebrate my birthday in a 4 star hotel it was all planned and then she decided that it was quite a distance away (understandable) so made plans to go on holiday with her boyfriend for the dates we had scheduled and I only found out by accident (saw her itinerary) a week beforehand. She was then meant to be away for my birthday so literally threw together my own birthday/pity party meal with some friends as I had thought I'd be on a city break. She returned the day before my birthday and then asked what my plans were and I said I was out for dinner and when she said she had no plans at the weekend (my birthday was a thursday) as her boyfriend was busy I said I'm really sorry but I'm out of town visiting friends but let me know when you're free and I'll arrange something the next weekend.

So yes she may have felt like she wasn't included with my birthday. But I made plans ASAP with her once I'd had my preplanned birthday celebrations.

OP posts:

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2021 23:36

@eightyfourandahalf

I am fascinated by the concept of "posh crisps".

I am guessing that it must come from the same place as the "posh chocolates" people refer to (but NEVER actually explain what they are!)

They're not even posh crisps. They're just kettle crisps but they're poshb when you buy tesco multipack 😁

OP posts:

Rogue1001 · 01/08/2021 23:36

Op, a gift is a gift to the recipient to decide what they want to do with it.

You could've looked at that box and decided to have a pamper evening to yourself or with another friend. Once you've been gifted something it's yours.
Despite what my dad thought, if you're reading from beyond the grave, dad. Yes, I probably should have kept the car cleaner. But it was my car!

WomanStanleyWoman · 01/08/2021 23:37

Your friend is unreasonable - and frankly deranged - for trying to be pretend this food was never in the box. But I also think that, whatever you thought of the gift, it was pretty obvious it was meant to be enjoyed together. It was a bit naff to go hunting in the freezer and then cry ‘Where’s MY ice cream?’

Rogue1001 · 01/08/2021 23:39

Just seen your updates.

You are not responsible for entertaining her on YOUR birthday!

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2021 23:40

@WomanStanleyWoman

I didn't ask where MY icecream was, I said wheres the netflix and chill icecream.

But understand that asking where my icecream was could be seen as rude.

OP posts:

WomanStanleyWoman · 01/08/2021 23:40

@eightyfourandahalf

I am fascinated by the concept of "posh crisps".

I am guessing that it must come from the same place as the "posh chocolates" people refer to (but NEVER actually explain what they are!)

I can’t believe you’re ‘fascinated’ by this. It can’t be difficult to work out that it means Tyrells or Kettle Chips rather than four for a pound ready salted.

H8theW8 · 01/08/2021 23:43

OP, your 'friend' isn't a friend at all. She's a user! Don't allow her to treat you like an option when she expects you to make her a priority.

Marshmallow91 · 01/08/2021 23:48

Friend 1 is a dick.

You don't give presents to someone for their birthday, claiming half of it is yours.

You buy yourself similar stuff, then give friend theirs for their birthday and suggest a pamper night or whatever.

Friend 1 is completely out of order and I'd be avoiding her as much as possible in future. She's just completely wrong.

eightyfourandahalf · 01/08/2021 23:51

I can’t believe you’re ‘fascinated’ by this. It can’t be difficult to work out that it means Tyrells or Kettle Chips rather than four for a pound ready salted.

ahem.. crisps that can be bought in my local Morrison are hardly "posh"

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 01/08/2021 23:56

OK they're not posh but she didn't put in a bag of tesco ready salted or a bag of walkers

OP posts:

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 02/08/2021 00:02

I was happy with the present as an opportunity to hang out. I have previously given her a cooking thing for us to do together, we're both amateur chefs and like spicy food but can see that giving something like that does come with expectation. So thank you for reminding me of that.

When we cooked together for her birthday and she got better plans as we cooked, so changed our lets cook and eat to let's do this another day I felt a bit annoyed but can see that as her gift its hers rather than spending time together in a different way. I needed that head wobble. Thank you.

OP posts:

Lolamambam · 02/08/2021 00:06

Friend 2 didn’t have a leg to stand on once she’d eaten a choc bar on her own though. Weird that she “replaced it” when it was her own gift, given for her.

Lolamambam · 02/08/2021 00:10

@Iguessyourestuckwithme

I'm friend 2 if it's not obvious.

I know it seems a big over reaction over a bag of crisps but I just wanted to have a realistic answer to whether it's OK to eat a food gift you make someone else.

No, it is not okay for someone to eat a food gift that they’ve gifted to someone else.

It’s weird that she is so greedy that she’s decided to make a gift to share!

Original poster

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 02/08/2021 00:11

Chocolate was eaten

12 days after the gift was given
12 days after the icecream was eaten
11 days since ethe iccream was discovered
3 days after the pamper night
And 2 days after it was discovered that the crisps had also been eaten.

OP posts:

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