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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell gf I can't be dealing with the kids tonight

60 replies

jones88 · 01/08/2021 20:48

ive been with my gf for a while. She has two dc from a previous relationship and they spend the weekends with their dad. We dont live together but I spend my weekends with her.
Since its been the summer holidays, the kids have been coming home from their dads late, usually when they get back, I play a bit of lego with them or we play on the switch etc. Today I asked my gf what time kids will be coming home as I was going to cook us all dinner. She told me they'd be home later and are having dinner at dads.
Around 7:30 they were not back and I made a comment to my gf saying 'not going to lie im shattered today, probably won't spend much time with kids today as I want an early night'. (I have an early morning commute)

she started saying I am nasty, how can I say that etc. she then started saying 'did I tell you that you need to play with kids tonight, no I never so why even say it'.

I explained that I would spend a bit of time with the kids but I will be getting an early night. She's insisting I said 'I can't deal with the kids tonight' which I can't remember but I explained to her that I was tired, had an early commute and would spend time with them but would then get an early night

she then made a remark 'bet you never said that to your ex'. this is in reference to my previous relationship where my ex had children. I was fuming with my gf as just yesterday I told her to stop comparing herself to my exes which she constantly does and today she says this but she thinks im BU for saying I couldn't be dealing with kids

ive gone home as I was very annoyed at her, so who is bu

OP posts:
QueeniesCroft · 01/08/2021 22:06

So she's snapping at you, twisting what you said and accusing you of being nasty to/about her kids?

This is not a healthy relationship. There is no happy ever after here.

Thehop · 01/08/2021 22:08

God don’t go back

Winceybincey · 01/08/2021 22:10

Although I have a feeling this is a reverse

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/08/2021 22:11

Are you the poster who's gf had them cooking for her and mate and moan about lack of cleaning?

TrixieThunder · 01/08/2021 22:15

I think parents (possibly mothers in particular) get a bit defensive over their children even when we know they can be exhausting to us. So she may be relaying that feeling - however, I don’t think YABU at all! It’s lovely that you spend time playing with them but it’s really not your responsibility at all.

Is she like this often or is it a one-off? If she is I would be shot of this.

Viviennemary · 01/08/2021 22:20

She sounds a bossy horror story. Get rid.

goddessofmischief · 01/08/2021 22:22

Not your genetic circus, not your monkeys.

Sometimeswinning · 01/08/2021 22:26

You brought it up and she was defensive. All the posters calling her names are being really unfair. I really dont understand why you feel the need to entertain them. Does she expect it?

Original poster
jones88 · 01/08/2021 22:31

She is always comparing herself to my ex & I've told her a million times to stop it but she does not listen. She has no reason to be insecure.
with regard to the children, I only see them on a Sunday evening and depending on when they get back, I do play with them but today I was genuinely tired. I have told her today why she reacted the way she did and she said 'the kids were not even back so why mention you were shattered before they even got here'. I asked her why she mentioned the ex and she said 'it just slipped out'

Its made me very very annoyed as she seemed to insinuate that I find her kids a burden but I have never implied that ever.

OP posts:
feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 22:32

Sounds like hard work. I can see why you can't be bothered with that.

Lachimolala · 01/08/2021 22:36

Sounds like she massively overreacted and became defensive of her kids when she didn’t need to be. Also sounds like she’s a little insecure, could you have a few days space then get in contact to arrange a chat at the weekend? Mainly about how she reacted and why that was, what was she feeling and what you were trying to say/feeling etc. I think communication is key here, that being said if she keeps doing this even after you have a chat with her then I’d think twice about staying in the relationship tbh.

CambsAlways · 01/08/2021 22:38

It’s her

cookiecreampie · 01/08/2021 22:38

I think if it gets to the point of you living together as a family, you would be wrong to think that because you aren't the biological parent that you aren't responsible in any way and will leave everything to her. Though it depends a lot on how long you've been together and how serious the relationship is. Obviously you're not going to jump in and play dad straight away, but looking to the future, you wouldn't be able to continue with this approach.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 01/08/2021 22:39

There should be no expectation that you would be entertaining her kids anyway. YANBU

feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 22:40

@cookiecreampie

I think if it gets to the point of you living together as a family, you would be wrong to think that because you aren't the biological parent that you aren't responsible in any way and will leave everything to her. Though it depends a lot on how long you've been together and how serious the relationship is. Obviously you're not going to jump in and play dad straight away, but looking to the future, you wouldn't be able to continue with this approach.
Eh?!
feelingmehtoday · 01/08/2021 22:42

@cookiecreampie

I've been with my partner for 6 years and I don't "play mum" to his kids. They have a mum. OP's GF's kids have a dad. No need for him to "play Dad", either now or in the future, unless of course he wants to.

JellyJellyTooToo · 01/08/2021 22:45

Why do you play with the kids when they’ve been with their dad all day? Surely they should be winding down at that time…bath, stories and then bed?

I agree with the others who think she’s got a problem, she’s created a massive big deal out of a non-issue.

Guavafish · 01/08/2021 22:46

She is wrong and sounds jealous

I would end it

Maskless · 01/08/2021 23:00

Refuse to see her again until she apologises.

me4real · 01/08/2021 23:03

That's really aggravating. You were just making conversation and/or letting her know how you felt, and she kicked off about it.

Not someone that's fun to be in a relationship with.

TheCupboardOfChaos · 01/08/2021 23:10

She's the problem here, OP.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 01/08/2021 23:18

Agree with the poster who said Sunday evenings should be winding down after a day away.

Your girlfriend clearly wants some happy family senario and is looking for you to provide it. Do you see your ex’s kids anymore or are you just another adult intimate with the family and then gone? I can see why she’s anxious.

I don’t think you can win this.
You’ve walked out. It’s easy to do but ultimately it’s going to make her more insecure. Are you going to go home every time the argument turns tricky?
If you genuinely see a future you need a frank talk and no more playing families with her until you can commit enough to not walking out and going home when it suits. If she wants to see you she comes to yours and you split the costs of babysitters.

MinnieJackson · 01/08/2021 23:24

YANBU

Iwonder08 · 02/08/2021 02:42

I wouldn't come back

Oceanbliss · 02/08/2021 03:14

@jones88 Do you feel that you are obligated to play with the kids? Has your gf told you that she expects you to play with her kids and entertain them?

Most of the pp seem to be under the impression that your gf has obligated you with a responsibility to play with her kids.

If she hasn’t obligated you in this way and you are acting like she has, then I get why she is annoyed with you. And yabu.

If she does expect you to entertain her kids and got upset with you for not wanting to, then she is being unreasonable.

You have portrayed her in a very negative light so it’s probably best for both of you to end it.