To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

[catfunk]

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

Bohomeian = rough

Like comparing Geldof and Gallagher

I think in some lower class communities there is friction between residents and neighbours so people will report to SS when the complaint may be trivial or made up. MC areas wouldn't want the stigma of SS visits so less chance of undeserved reports but also less friction - bigger more comfortable houses.

The coastal town you speak of OP has been like this for decades. It is more common though depending on which Schools your DC go to.

For a lot of these parents, who were not so cool in their younger days, it's their first foray into this kind of lifestyle once their DC start school and they meet people outside of their usual circles whereas the rest of us have chilled out having lived that life at a younger age in the 90's so don't feel the need to go hard at it to the detriment of our DC. Or at least not on a weekly regular basis.

They also love their large camping trips where they get completely off their faces with all the DC in tow who are too young to know what's happening. That seems to shock the newbies a lot.

But yes you're right it's is deemed as more recreational as opposed to neglectful due to good education, decent jobs and being fairly functional on a day to day basis as opposed to lying comatose on the sofa with a needle hanging out of your arm 24/7 with unwashed starving beaten children wailing in a bare room.

Therein I suppose is the difference. The level of general competence

But yes I've attended many such parties in the past with many DC all watching tv in the upstairs rooms and sleeping in the bedrooms. I just presumed it was normal and everyone did it really.
But yes some parents do go a bit ott and get over excited by the whole lifestyle especially if they're new to it. And others like yourself I guess are a bit by it.

I'm in Brighton too, luckily I don't recognise this culture at all at DS1s school but I am aware of the stereotype.

A lot of the posher kids apparently did coke when I was at 6th form. They'd be the right age to be primary school parents now. Luckily everyone I was close to calmed down considerably after their early 20s.

My friend lives in a posh area of outer London and her DD is 7 and she tells me about parties she goes to where all the kids stay up until 2am whilst the parents get drunk. I was a bit shocked by that. Although I did used to drink too much myself when my DD was younger from time to time, but she asked me to stop, so I did. Looking back I feel ashamed that she saw me drunk at a family party on a couple of occasions and really regret it. Having hangovers ruin whole days is really quite rubbish for the children involved too. I used to think it was acceptable but have completely changed my view on it. I hope they see the light at some point too.

Brighton sounds awful!

This is what I always wonder about the home visits that teachers do before a child starts school. What are they looking for and does it not, in someway, contribute towards this categorisation of children? So if little Benny starts hurting others, they think back and go 'oh but little Benny lived in that nice three bed and the mum gave me herbal tea' compared to 'oh little Benny, his mum forgot we were coming and there was a strong smell of fags in the flat, that explains it.'

I wondered this too. The visiting teachers both seemed very interested in our home, commenting on the garden, the flowering bushes, asking about the art on the walls. Both used the bathroom (which I’d cleaned just in case). One accepted coffee and followed me into the kitchen (which thankfully was clean too as DH had done it). At the time I thought they were just friendly and trying to make conversation with DC about their home but looking back I guess they’re trained to look for more. I remember one made a comment about what a lot of lovely age-appropriate books we had (a relief because DC was so over excited she was rolling on the rug trying to grab the teacher’s feet 😳)

I live in the SE although I am not middle class and I knew and know people (not actual friends) who were and still are into the Coke and drink benders in their hot tub in their massive garden whilst the kids run around. I went to an adult birthday party once and despite there being 7 or 8 small DC (I didn’t take mine) there were huge ice buckets of Prosecco all over the garden and all the parents were pissed at 7pm. There was one mum I knew who took Coke every single weekend while kids at home with her husband, no one seems to bat an eye at any of it, it seems normal. My partner doesn’t drink much but said his ex and family would get trashed at every single family occasion whilst he watched the kids, even to the point of her throwing up in front of them and he recently had to collect them from an event as she was getting drunk, the kids even said don’t drink too much more mummy 🥴

I went to a family event yesterday of my partners side and there was no alcohol the kids played and we ate and had fun then went home and I had 1 glass of wine. I also don’t buy any alcohol at my own family events. That is for adult only time in my view?

I wouldn't expect alcohol at a kids birthday party (a coffee would be lovely thanks very much) but if it was a family get together in the garden then wine etc is fine.

@LovePoppy again, missing the point. Doesn't matter which parent looks after the child - it's that the other parent spent the morning throwing up in front of the child which is quite distressing for young child to see. it alternates on a regular basis as to which parent is ill in front of child.

@Bryonyshcmyony

Brighton sounds awful!

Not just Brighton. I know people like this in london, liverpool, etc.

Those asking about home visits prior to school starting….

I did this as part of my role for years.
The real reason we do it , is for the benefit of your child. We want the child to see us on their home so that they feel safer when they come into the school environment. It is also a good opportunity to get to know you all in a way that’s impossible during busy drop off and pick up.
We see amazing things on home visits/ fantastic performance parenting ( yes - little Johnny just completed this huge jigsaw this morning ….no he didnt )

We are definately not judging what you have and how clean your house is.

I always assumed the home visits were basically to check you didn't live in a crack den...
I don't live in a crack den but I did clean like a demon before them

I think another aspect of middle class parents is that they're not intimidated by social workers, teachers or authority figures. They see them either as inferior or equal... certainly not above them in the pecking order

We are definately not judging what you have and how clean your house is.

That’s a relief! I admit I vacuumed cobwebs from the lounge walls and steam cleaned the rugs before they came. My DC were so excited to have visitors after lockdown they went a bit wild. I always thought the visits were for the teachers to suss out the kids, parents and home 😂

@Monday26July - yes, I probably did misunderstand, but you wrote this: “ The argument is that professionals should be conscious of bias that benefits middle and upper class parents, so as not to overlook problems because the parents come across well or are articulate or wealthy.” It’s hardly a bias that benefits the middle class if you believe the social worker is there to help!

Ha ha, visiting Reception class teachers are definitely not trained to look for hidden signs of anything in your home. That’s such a funny thing to think. Teachers really are just winging it like everyone else. The main purpose of visits is for them to get an idea of what they will be facing when the children descend on them in September, and for the children to feel a little familiar with the teacher. They are just as nervous visiting you as you are of them. Really!

[quote Walkaround]@Monday26July - yes, I probably did misunderstand, but you wrote this: “ The argument is that professionals should be conscious of bias that benefits middle and upper class parents, so as not to overlook problems because the parents come across well or are articulate or wealthy.” It’s hardly a bias that benefits the middle class if you believe the social worker is there to help![/quote]
Ah I wrote clumsily! I meant that in cases where parents are trying to conceal abuse or neglect the bias on behalf of SWs can aid them in doing that. Benefits their subterfuge. Hope that makes more sense! Didn’t mean it benefits the middle class, I meant it benefits middle class parents who are abusers in being better able to conceal. It absolutely is a detriment to MC children and other individuals being abused or neglected.

Yes, that makes more sense!

I think the problem, really, is that people do not tend to see social workers as helpful, they see them as a massive advertisement of their failings resulting in huge judgement from the community around them. That’s the main problem - the general desire of all social classes to push them away, even if internally acknowledging the need for help.

Yet those desperate enough to ask for the help usually find it hard to get - almost as though the problem can’t be that bad if you do admit to it!

Also I should say that my rather unpopular view within my child protection role is that is the non working and lower income parents are demonised and held to account more than middle class educated working parents.
There are multiple reasons for this- one being that non working parents tend to be at home for visits during our working hours (seriously) - the markers of concern are also more visible to the eye.
Professional parents are much more used to dealing with professionals and can be very intimidating to some SW…… almost like some go for the low hanging fruit. ( BTW- that’s now how I ever conducted myself but I do lay claim that some do ).

Having worked in a private school for 5 years and seeing regularly 4 year olds dropped off with 600 pound coats and chanel bracelets……but hadn’t actually saw their parents for weeks and when I sat down with a book with them- the child attempted to swipe it…..

I would say without a doubt neglect and abuse is prevalent in all classes but with different markers

How refreshing, more middle class bashing because we are all clearly druggies who drink champagne for breakfast 🙄
Think you’ve watched too much Motherland.

@ConstanceGracy

How refreshing, more middle class bashing because we are all clearly druggies who drink champagne for breakfast 🙄 Think you’ve watched too much Motherland.

The op never said that all middle class people were on drugs...she said people who take drugs and also happen to be middle class are more likely to get away with it.