To think that 'middle class' parents get away with murder

[catfunk]

I grew up in a beautiful but modest part of the north with a fair amount of poverty and unemployment. Lots of families were under social services' care (?) police called out a lot, etc.

I now live in a fairly expensive city in the south, a fairly left wing liberal place where people party, lots of mums are 'trendy' types and generational wealth is quite common.

It struck me the other day that if the parents in my home town behaved like the parents in my current home there'd be real repercussions.
Noisy house parties whilst kids are in bed upstairs, parents getting drunk and staying out all night, recreational drug taking and being too hungover to do the school run. But it's ok because they're drinking champagne and expensive gin instead of tenants, and expensive cannabis tinctures instead of smoking resin?

None of the kids seem unhappy or affected and they do have lovely family times together of course but AIBU To think this is not fair ?

I am almost relieved that my child goes to a LA owned special school. There are no 'sets', the widest mix of parents you've ever met, and we are all united in our common trait: exhaustion.

“What annoys me more is the double standards in children. An entitled brat is “spirited” or “confident” if MC. Or a yob if WC.”

I totally agree with this.

Yup. I've always said the same.

@Iagreewithu

I don't think it has changed much . Many years ago I had a sw and she put that my dd had clothes on that were to small. Sw failed to say she was painting in old clothing. She also said I had minimal food in the house even though i shopped daily. I was only lucky enough that at a conference the heath visitor actually used the words you are lying to the sw and they started arguing. I thank the health visitor with all my heart for what she done that day . I got a new sw and she was the kindest person ever . She always used the words belive in yourself she was lovely she never had a bad thing to say about me and really built my confidence up.

@Iagreewithu - god, this sounds so terrifying.

I'm so pleased you had the HV and new SW on your side x

@FreekStar2

Madeline Macann didn’t die of neglect though did she? She was kidnapped and murdered.

I’m not saying the parents were right to leave her alone in an unsecured apartment, but Madeline was a victim of a callous murderer, not her own parents. However, a child who comes to harm in an accident because the parent wasn’t there to safeguard is a different matter altogether. Look at Ben Needham- he was from an ordinary family and died in circumstances of neglect really- yet they were always given every sympathy!

So it’s not neglect to leave your young kids alone in a hotel whilst you go out to eat/drink?

Who says she was kidnapped or murdered?

Anyway thins isn’t a thread about MM though I’m sure if MM parents were working class things would have been handled differently.

@Iagreewithu

I don't think it has changed much . Many years ago I had a sw and she put that my dd had clothes on that were to small. Sw failed to say she was painting in old clothing. She also said I had minimal food in the house even though i shopped daily. I was only lucky enough that at a conference the heath visitor actually used the words you are lying to the sw and they started arguing. I thank the health visitor with all my heart for what she done that day . I got a new sw and she was the kindest person ever . She always used the words belive in yourself she was lovely she never had a bad thing to say about me and really built my confidence up.

I had the same. I shopped daily as DC has food issues (suspected and being tested for pica at the time but turned out Robbie sensory processing)

It was easier to prevent overeating DC had by buying only 1 pt of milk a day and meal for the evening.

Also criticised for having a gardener - £20 lawn cut once a month that guaranteed I wasn’t at risk of eviction because of vexatious neighbours complained the grass wasn’t cut ‘on time’.

There were lots of things that pissed me off that were made a big deal of that really weren’t.

My DC never wore long trousers only shorts all year round as the wet ankles of trousers on legs would trigger meltdowns in the rain. Wet legs weren’t a problem and DC was sent into school with a travel towel to dry off legs and capable of doing this without help.
It wasn’t until they witnessed DCs major meltdown at first being made to put on trousers (I was described as an inconsistent parent) then the meltdown that meant DC was 90mins late for schools because trousers were soaked that they took it seriously.

Ditto hair brushing and hair cutting.

I’m happy to say DC now wears trousers, brushes hair but still reluctantly gets a hair cut.

Also diagnosed with a chromosome deletions, ASD behaviours and ADHD after first being told they had an attachment disorder and I was made to go to parent classes

I don’t think I’d have had that happen had I not being a single parent and had I lived in a different postcode

MM didn’t die because she was left alone- she died because she was murdered!

I’m not saying it’s not neglect to leave young children alone- it most certainly is!

I agree entirely.

Whether it's hiring nanny to spend the weekends with them so the parents can head to London/Ibiza or having around groups of parents to drink heavily while the kids play unsupervised, there is no doubt the same behaviour wouldn't be condoned if the parents were lower working class. The same parents often allow their teens to hold "parties" at home with alcohol and often under-age sex as the recent school rape culture campaign showed.

@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo

This was over 18 years ago and I have never forgotten it. A couple of years later ds had an accident at home and i was actually scared to seek medical help because of the experience I had from ss.

It's a frequent observation on posts that X has little income but her kids are always dressed in brand new clothes from places like Next. They do not understand that this is why. It takes a certain MC confidence to get away with eBay bundles etc

MM may still have been taken if the parents were in the villa. While they didn't cause her death they did not act as responsible parents and would be punished and judged if they weren't middle class white professionals.

OP report your concerns to SS. Don't give a damn what socio-economic class the parents claim to be on. Child neglect is wrong and damages lives. Children have a right to be loved and cared for.

@EveningOverRooftops I'm glad you came through it on the end. I think its one of the scariest things ever that you have no control over. The sad thing is there are probably children out there that are probably being beaten sexually abused etc and nothing is being done.

@Savoury

I agree entirely.

Whether it's hiring nanny to spend the weekends with them so the parents can head to London/Ibiza or having around groups of parents to drink heavily while the kids play unsupervised, there is no doubt the same behaviour wouldn't be condoned if the parents were lower working class. The same parents often allow their teens to hold "parties" at home with alcohol and often under-age sex as the recent school rape culture campaign showed.

I don't think all of those are the same thing. Most working class couples seem to have family childcare on tap - my BIL and SIL have had several weekends away, often involving a fair amount of alcohol but since it's her mum who looks after the kids, there's no judgement. But if I mention using a babysitter around them, they get very judgey

It takes far more for private schools to report middle class parents to social services.

Plenty of unexplained absence and even potential abuse ends up on the safeguarding lead’s desk, but goes no further. There is almost an assumption that because the parents are well educated and well spoken (and have wealth) that they cannot be seriously abusive or neglectful.

I suspect, though don’t know, that even when it ends up on a social worker’s desk, that is often the end of it.

It is unfair that, generally, your status gets you extra protection.

I think somebody mentioned the visibility aspect earlier, especially around alcohol.

As a child I spent quite a lot of time at my grandparents, who lived on a council estate. Adults sometimes got drunk outside with loud music playing. Us kids were often ignored, so we just ran around the local area. Other neighbours could have easily reported it to SS, because they could see it. They might also be motivated to report it if they're annoyed at the noise.

I now live in a fairly MC area. I'm sure just as much drinking goes on, but if somebody here got drunk in their living room, ignoring their kids who were playing on an iPad, the neighbours wouldn't notice.

I've benefitted from this bias imo.

There was a year when my son ended up in A&E more than a handful of times. We never heard from the HV or SS and I suspect it's because we both turned up at A&E and seem MC.

Another year somebody made allegations about ex. Despite coming to our house with walls that weren't even painted as we were doing it up, the SW didn't check our cupboards or the children's bedrooms which I read is something that they do. They never spoke to the kids and dismissed the allegations after talking to the school. We were white and married which I suspect made us seem respectable and MC.

[quote Iagreewithu]@EveningOverRooftops I'm glad you came through it on the end. I think its one of the scariest things ever that you have no control over. The sad thing is there are probably children out there that are probably being beaten sexually abused etc and nothing is being done.[/quote]
I’m furious with how I was treated and yes I’m all to aware that there are kids ignored and parents who are doing right being unfairly treated by a biased system.

Yes I was the child who should’ve had social care intervention as a kid but I wasn’t believed.

I suspect, though don’t know, that even when it ends up on a social worker’s desk, that is often the end of it.

I actually think the opposite of this is true because so few referrals come in from private schools.

That doesn't mean that other advantages previously discussed wouldn't be present though.

This has been my experience yes. I think it's because money fills a lot of the gaps in dysfunctional addict/alcoholic homes, when without the money the gaps are more obvious. I can't laugh at any of it any more though, drinking while in charge of kids, driving over the limit (whether from that day or in the morning after the night before), casual drug taking, etc. It's not a big joke. I don't care how much money people have.

The same with men who have kids and then don't parent them. I don't care if your eating out of food banks or running the country, I'm not excusing shittiness by anyone. All parents should be parenting their kids in every way they can. It doesn't matter if it's going to get your referred to social services or not. That shouldn't be the standard of whether a parent is being shitty or not.

Joanne getting drunk while her kids are hungry with shoes with holes in and no carpets is going to look bad compared to Jane who likes getting drunk but whose kids have food and essentials.

We don't know what happened to MM so no point in speculating.
But i agree wc parents would have had a harder time on returning to the UK.
Look at the Happy Valley set, middle class colonials leading very sordid lives.

As previous posters have mentioned, money makes life easier. I would imagine that middle class parents are less likely to forego paying their mortgage or bills due to inability to pay. So it's less likely that social services will be involved because the family are facing eviction due to unpaid rent/have no electricity because they didn't pay their bills and the power's been cut off/can't afford to heat their home/can't wash their DCs' clothes or cook them hot meals because the washing machine or cooker is broken and the family can't afford to repair or replace them.

If this is a class issue perhaps someone can explain why social workers weren't involved in my childhood?

My DM got pregnant at 13 and then again at 14. My DDad was two years older. They were allowed a special licence to get married and a childhood of poverty, constant upheaval and chaos followed. They decided to have another child five years later although they could barely afford the two they already had and were self absorbed and disinterested. Neither had any parenting skills, they hated each other and we lived hand to mouth in various dumps until they got a council house.

My DM cheated constantly on my dad and had sex in front of us. All three of us had bad teeth and head lice. I wasn't given sanitary towels when I started my period. I used toilet roll in my underwear. My feet were permanently deformed from the high heeled pointed shoes my dad bought me to walk the couple of miles to school .
I was twelve. He had a porn habit so go figure.

I look back and wonder why this was allowed. Neither parent was pulled up on their abusive neglectful behaviour. So not sure if working classes always fare worse in these scenarios.

The difference is; the Middle Class fund their ‘habits’, those at the lower end are generally funded by the State - therefore they seem to be held more accountable by the authorities over where and how that money is spent.

Not saying it’s right or I agree with it, but that seems to be the way of the world.

I worked in education for years and saw numerous examples of MC neglect. Children of professionals who were often lacking the most basic things, little home support or even starved of parental attention because of long working hours. Just as prevalent in the private school sector too. We always referred to it as cheque book education. MC parents believing their responsibilities began and ended when they paid the school fees.

@Dacquoise, thats sounds terrible.

I think MC kids suffer because every minute is packed full of entertainment or learning and they are presented with ridiculous amount of choices from about 3. They can't cope with it all.That and the faux eating disorders and syndromes.