Cried at yoga this morning. Always stressed during Savasana. Why?

[WineRipened]

I'm posting here for traffic as I am not sure whether there is a dedicated exercise section.

Well as per the title, I cried during Savasana today and I want to know why I find it so much like torture and whether I should persist with it or whether I should ask the instructor if I could leave at the start of it.

Bit of history with it, I have always found it difficult. I tend to fidget, get itchy, scratch, feel anxious, move and wiggle but I endured it for a while. About 2 years ago I would just make an excuse at the start of the class that I had to leave early and that was normally ok. I left quietly and hopefully didn't disturb anyone. I have never thought too much about it, just that it feels deeply uncomfortable and I hate it.

It is not just savasana where I feel like this. Other situations would be having a beauty treatment where I have to lie still with my eyes closed and I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying it, having a CT scan for example, having to sit in a hairdressers or having to sit during meditation. These are the only examples that I can think of off the top of my head.

Anyway, new class that I'm going to about 3 weeks. First time, I was only person there so I told instructor that I disliked it. She suggested lying on my side. Fine that week and last week. Today however, I lay on my back to start with (had forgotten about the lying on my side thing) and instructor says 'WineRipened, you can lie on your side'. So, I switched to my side, hugged knees into chest as she suggested and then suddenly I felt the tears coming. I tried to disguise this onslaught of madness but eventually couldn't as I do ugly crying. Big red face and snot. So I sat up, turned my back to class and sat there sobbing great big sobs like a fucking loon. Instructor came over, asked permission, and sat beside me and hugged me and stroked my back. Tears and heaves continued, but I calmed a bit and hopefully other participants didn't notice.

So what the hell is wrong with me?

It is a very claustrophobic feeling that I get in those situations. Panic, like as if I'm hemmed in by a virtual wall. Incidentally, I have Restless Leg Syndrome. That's such an unknown quantity, I wouldn't be surprised if it is the body's manifestation of distress in the mind. It has been an interesting discussion anyway. While I know that it's supposed to be body and mind, I never put much stock on the mind bit, but maybe it's doing something to me despite my unashamed disdain for phrases like 'look up to the sky' (aka a dirty skylight) and names like 'sun salutation'. I really only go for the strength building and to a lesser extent for the mind space I get from stretching into the various poses. I get that from all exercise, but yoga is one where you can go even if you're tired. You'll still manage to exert yourself. The class I went to for the longest was more physical and fast paced. He was a male instructor. There's also a half-baked zealot who pontificates for an hour and a half about how wondrous his life has been in India where 'real' yoga is practised etc. I only end up at his class if I don't know in advance who the instructor is. You don't actually do anything apart from listen to him give the sermon on the mount where he makes you feel like an ignoramus from the mystical world of proper yoga or being a fucking old fart.

@WineRipened

I am receiving ongoing therapy. I have a myriad of emotional issues from birth right through to date. I'll speak to my therapist about it if I remember to next week and then have a chat with the instructor next Sunday too. I do think that there is something that it triggers in me but I'm not sure why.

It's asking you to be vulnerable.

You're being asked to take your armour off and you are too scared to do it in case you get hurt for being vulnerable - yet when you actually did, you cried and the instructor comforted you, she didn't attack you, she didn't laugh, she didn't hurt you like whoever has led you to adopt that armour in the first place.

Same with visualisations or anything else you've described on here. You're looking for threats and danger even when - because it's a visualisation - there definitely aren't going to be Tiger Sharks, a man eating Blue Whale (they don't exist) or hurricanes coming along.

Staying still means you aren't running away or getting ready to fight. Maybe you're feeling like a target, a sitting duck because the situation means you aren't battle ready?

Did horrible things happen to you when you were alone, rather than around other people? Don't feel you have to reply, but it does make me think of the difference between being in public and when the front door closed, there aren't any witnesses and it all goes quiet.

I thought I would update. I went along to yoga this morning again. I was the only student/whatever there. She asked how my week was and we spoke for about 5 or 10 minutes about the principle she chose for the week (she does different ones each week it seems). It was Satya - being true to yourself. She discussed a bit about trusting your instincts and not listening so much to outside influences. She said that she thought that I might not come back after last week. I explained that if I could move/wiggle/sit/do some other pose, it might work. I told her about asking online and about the various responses - don't go back/leave at shavasana/power through/it's normal etc. We then did the class for about 40 minutes. Then for shavasana she said we'd try it with our mats up against the wall - so I sat cross legged with my back against the wall and put my hands on my knees. She then suggested holding little fingers and ring fingers against thumb and that if I needed to move, to just tap the fingers. I closed my eyes, concentrated on my breathing (these finger things are to do with the lungs/breathing or something - sorry - can't remember the name of it). I managed fine, only needing to tap very briefly. She was so happy and was like - 'you were still for 5 minutes - you did it!'. We then had a little chat and she asked about therapy and I explained my situation. She spoke about a suggestion she had from her therapy which I shall certainly employ (basically doing that sitting down thing and being still when the noise in your head gets too much). She's really lovely and I'm glad I went back. I was fortunate to have had her 1-to-1 again and she fixed my poses throughout the class to make sure I was getting it all perfect. All in all - a brilliant class.

She sounds like a good teacher who can read her students' needs.
I'm pleased for you that you did so well.

I'm so pleased you went back and had a brilliant session. She sounds a great teacher.

That's great OP!