Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are any men not moany gits when you go out without them?

97 replies

AiyaNapawithmorenaps · 31/07/2021 19:06

I'm not talking about controlling, bullying behaviour. Just the general moping around, complaining that they have to look after the DC's whilst you get ready, saying things like 'well we could have got a take away tonight if you weren't off out.' I don't know one couple where this isn't this sort of bollocks, I don't think it's that they don't want you to enjoy yourself, it's more that you aren't there to do bedtime, clean, cook etc!

OP posts:
FuckingFabulous · 31/07/2021 21:54

No, mine doesn't act like this. He knows he will survive the few hours while I'm out and he's confident enough to deal with emergencies. He wouldn't dream of making a fuss about me going out or making me feel guilty for it and I wouldn't if he wanted to either. My ex didn't want me to go anywhere without him and would always manufacture some kind of chaos

delilahbucket · 31/07/2021 21:55

Not in this household and DP is not DS's dad either. We often go out separately as well as together. It's important for our relationship to have our own friends and interests. I've been with a man who alienated me from my friends and it was a miserable existence.

Bertiebassetsbabe · 31/07/2021 22:06

Dh is fine when I go out. He’ll do things to help me and will often drop me off and pick me up.

Tbh I don’t know of any men like you describe.

Trying2310 · 31/07/2021 22:18

My dh encourages me to go out whenever I wish and will be very understanding the next morning when I feel hungover. This is not very often so he encourages me to enjoy it while I can

therocinante · 31/07/2021 22:48

I don't know any men like that, although I guess it's possible my friends are too embarrassed to say as that's very weird and controlling behaviour.

We don't have children and I'm not sure if you're referring to parents specifically, but my H encourages me to go out - I can be anxious about it and tend to cancel/not make plans, but he encourages me and will take/pick me up.

I do have a friend whose partner was shit with taking full responsibility for their first kid, saying he didn't feel able to look after her etc when my friend was out. My friend told him he should have thought about that before he impregnated her, that she would leave him if he didn't get his shit together, and booked a weekend away to let him get some practice. Funnily enough he seemed to get the hang of it quickly.

60sbird · 31/07/2021 22:56

Although our son was 17 at the time, but still had to be woken for sixth form and fed, my partner encouraged me and booked my flights to go and stay with a friend for a week in Spain,
He also drove me to and from the airport admittedly he called me every evening and said he missed me but hey that’s nice to hear

FrankButchersDickieBow · 31/07/2021 23:03

No way! How many kids have you got OP? Your husband sounds like a grumpy teen.

Dh is happy when I go out as he can have the main TV to himself and watch whatever sport/chappy movie he wants whilst looking after dd.

Genuinely couldn't imagine him being resentful and basically acting like a bit of a dick.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 31/07/2021 23:03

Chappy = crappy

lottiegarbanzo · 01/08/2021 08:22

OP seems to have disappeared in shock.

I think this is one of those 'social bubble' things. People all think their own experience is normal, because it is amongst most of the people they know.

People who expect domestic and child-related things to be shared equally just wouldn't befriend the sort of people who think that the social mores of a 1920s mining village are relevant to their lives today. And vice versa.

The only place I've met people whose DHs (and themselves) had the attitude that all childcare and most domestic work was really women's work (even if both adults worked full time), was in my ante-natal group, because that's one of those instances where you're flung together with people who have one thing in common but very different lives and values otherwise. There was an obvious divide, in life experience terms, between the 'aren't men useless, I have to do everything and he'll sit around watching telly while I do it' brigade and the 'um, no they're not, if he didn't do one out of cook dinner and put the baby to bed, there would be no dinner!' set.

Sexism is at the bottom of OP's experience. Part of that sexism is that boys in deeply, entrenchedly sexist families are brought up as golden children with an expectation of being served all their lives and as somehow better and more special than useful, capable, helpmeet girls. Hence the mopey, manchild adults who cannot do anything for themselves and think it's beneath them to be expected to try.

The rest is manipulation and control, to keep you n your designated place.

gogohm · 01/08/2021 08:24

Neither my exh nor dp are like this. But I do leave meals ready!

Strugglingtodomybest · 01/08/2021 08:28

My DH is not like this at all, he often offers to drive me to my night out and pick me up.

What you've described OP is coercive control.

GoodMorrowFairMaiden · 01/08/2021 08:29

My dh is a moany old git but it’s mainly about the state of the traffic or the decline of society Hmm
As for going out, he pretty much shoves me out the door to have a good time with my friends and gets on with it. He’s more lax about bedtime and let’s them stay up late so the dcs love it too.

IdblowJonSnow · 01/08/2021 08:35

I know very few people like this, the couple who first came to mind have now split up - he was abusive and selfish in general..

My DH is the opposite of this and encourages me to go out.

Don't put up with it OP. Why shouldn't he look after the kids - they're HIS kids! Ffs. Confused

AnotherMarvellousThing · 01/08/2021 08:37

@LagunaBubbles

I love posts like this, its so obvious they are describing the OPs relationship and they want to think everyone else is in the same boat to normalise it. No this is isnt normal.
This. No, it’s not normal. No, my DH doesn’t do this.
nanbread · 01/08/2021 08:37

@IdblowJonSnow

I know very few people like this, the couple who first came to mind have now split up - he was abusive and selfish in general..

My DH is the opposite of this and encourages me to go out.

Don't put up with it OP. Why shouldn't he look after the kids - they're HIS kids! Ffs. Confused

Ditto

Don't know anyone like this.

Window1 · 01/08/2021 08:42

No don't have that here. Very give and take, each compromising to get our own time.

tothelakes · 01/08/2021 08:42

The only men I know who act like this are the controlling and abusive ones.
Eventually their partners either leave them or more often, stop going out because it's not worth the hassle.

They're the ones who suddenly feel poorly on the day and can't possibly look after the kids/themselves because they're too ill.

They also call with 'emergencies' or just generally hassle throughout.

The partners will leave early to get back to them.

saleorbouy · 01/08/2021 08:48

No issue in this house, they are our DC and it's our home so jobs get done by either of us depending who's available work wise or without other commitments.
I personally don't understand how grown men manage to take the stance that they can't do basic life skills or cooking, cleaning and looking after their offspring.
Why would anyone be married or in LTR to anyone who can't oull their weight and gets grumpy when they want some time with their friends!

Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2021 08:48

I only know one man like this
He’s my friends ex husband, note the EX part

Naunet · 01/08/2021 09:53

I had an ex like this, no kids involved thank god and I was very young at the time. I started a new job after moving to live with him and got invited to a lock-in after work one night. He called the bar every 5 minutes to moan at me, getting himself more and more wound up. I was so embarrassed so left to go home. When I got back, he wanted to talk to me about how I must be cheating on him, but I was too angry with him to tolerate it, so tried to go to bed. His response was to slit one of his wrists.

It only got worse from there. It’s extremely controling behaviour. Whereas my exs behaviour came from a place of jealousy, and yours sounds more like it comes from a place of “it inconveniences me when the house skivvy has a night off”, both are controlling.

noworklifebalance · 01/08/2021 10:15

Not my DH nor the husbands of friends from different circles - my friends from school, uni friends, work friends, my friends from DCs’ schools.

We have all had girls’ weekends away at some point. DHs all looked after THEIR own children - all encouraged us to go out and enjoy ourselves. One dad looked after 3 year old twins, another looked after his children that were 8, 6 & a 1 year old that did not sleep, for another it was their 2 year old’a first night without her mum (so potentially a difficult night for the dad).

It was never a question of asking them if they could look after the children - they are all able to have done so since they were born. It was case of finding a weekend that suited us all.

Wouldn’t bat an eyelid about a day or a night out with a friend.

billy1966 · 01/08/2021 10:43

Definitely not normal.

Infact several of my friends used to pride themselves on walking out of the house in absolute chaos with the children unfed so that their husbands could have the full parenting experience 😂

My husband was always hugely supportive of me going on out, it was never an issue.

I would have fed the children dinner usually though as a favour to him, as it made life so much easier, and he would give them a very light supper.

When they got bigger I would buy something in that he would serve up, like lasagne etc.

As my children grew up, my friends and I liked to meet earlier for drinks and dinner, so we would meet for 6pm.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread