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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared of giving birth alone

75 replies

VeeVeey · 31/07/2021 13:11

..I say alone, I'll be in the hospital but no birthing partner. OH won't be with me because we have nobody to have the children. No suitable family (My mum is an alcoholic, OH's dad works 6 days a week and doesn't do childcare. His mum lives abroad)

We don't really have friends. We don't know the neighbours well enough. Eldest has severe autism so we couldn't just hire a random childminder. Logistically the only option is for me to be by myself.

My last birth was really traumatic and I almost died. I have PTSD from that so thats why I'm scared of going through birth by myself now.

Has anybody else had to go it alone? I'll be ok won't I?

12 weeks to go Sad

OP posts:
addler · 31/07/2021 13:12

I would hire a doula in your position. Is it something you can afford?

Original poster
VeeVeey · 31/07/2021 13:13

@addler

I would hire a doula in your position. Is it something you can afford?
Probably not no Sad
OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 31/07/2021 13:15

Oh you poor bugger.
Have you asked your MW about this? This is something they must be experienced with.

Have you got any friends that can be your birth partner? It's not ideal but it's better than being alone.

Somethingsnappy · 31/07/2021 13:17

Could you enquire about students training to be a doula? They need real life experience to complete their course. I'd also imagine it to be without the cost!

HurryUpAndWait23 · 31/07/2021 13:18

@Somethingsnappy

Could you enquire about students training to be a doula? They need real life experience to complete their course. I'd also imagine it to be without the cost!
True, my doula was free because she needed to build her experience.
Kalvinette · 31/07/2021 13:19

I would actually post this in your local FB group and see if theres a woman local to you who could hold your hand.

You'd be surprised how kind people can be

Original poster
VeeVeey · 31/07/2021 13:19

@HurryUpAndWait23

Oh you poor bugger. Have you asked your MW about this? This is something they must be experienced with.

Have you got any friends that can be your birth partner? It's not ideal but it's better than being alone.

I haven't gone into it with my midwife yet no. I was blindly hoping my mum would sort herself out enough for me to be able to rely on her for once but that won't happen as shes gotten worse so I'm NC with her now.

All of my friends are back in my home town and we're just not that close anymore. I haven't seen anybody in years.

I keep ruminating about what happened last time and worrying it'll happen again and I'll die alone Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
VeeVeey · 31/07/2021 13:20

I would gladly take a stranger to be honest, anybody would do, so I'm prepared to ask about I just feel a bit pathetic Blush

Regarding doulas in training, where would I find one?

OP posts:
MamaTutu2 · 31/07/2021 13:20

@VeeVeey do your children attend nursery? In this situation I’m sure one of the nursery workers would be interesting in babysitting for a fee. I know some nurseries prohibit babysitting but even those that do would allow it for this I’d imagine.

Nuggetnugget · 31/07/2021 13:21

Op this is so sad Sad
I would honestly talk to someone (midwife at your next apt or ring your local maternity unit)
Maybe even someone local would be willing to mind your son (would any of the staff at his school for a fee??) if that was an option.

Really feel for you so much

ohthatbloodycat · 31/07/2021 13:21

Where are you based, OP? I would be very happy to help if anywhere nearby!

ohthatbloodycat · 31/07/2021 13:22

I'm in Scotland Smile

Kalvinette · 31/07/2021 13:24

Don't feel awkward. Copy and paste this thread into your FB group and see what happens. You'll probably make a few local friends while you're at it too 😊🌻

Kalvinette · 31/07/2021 13:24

Your OP I meant, not this thread

nameisnotimportant · 31/07/2021 13:24

You have 12 weeks to find a babysitter that you trust. Find a nanny agency and explain your situation. Then pay a nanny to come and hang for a couple of hours once a week, so the kids can get used to them and then have them on call for the birth. You shouldn't do it alone, especially if you have previous trauma

HurryUpAndWait23 · 31/07/2021 13:25

I really don't know if you should put something so personal on Facebook.

Do your other children go to school? Is there a kind school mum you could ask?

Original poster
VeeVeey · 31/07/2021 13:25

[quote MamaTutu2]@VeeVeey do your children attend nursery? In this situation I’m sure one of the nursery workers would be interesting in babysitting for a fee. I know some nurseries prohibit babysitting but even those that do would allow it for this I’d imagine.[/quote]
Yes they do, my OH enquired about emergency childcare with the manager and was told it's not something they do. Something about insurance?

There are two apprentices there, really nice young girls, who may consider it if it didn't mean risking their placements.

OP posts:
ForkedIt · 31/07/2021 13:25

I would LOVE to be someone’s birthing partner and having spoken to a few friends they feel the same - so definitely ask around!

happytoday73 · 31/07/2021 13:25

Oh honey... You won't die so you won't die alone...hugs
However I totally get your concern... And yes talk to the midwife... It would be great experience for a trainee midwife or alike and thry can hopefully sort you out so no time alone...

Is your eldest at school? Just thinking if a TA could help out....
People can be incredibly kind in these type of unique situations... If someone knocked on my door in labour alone I would not leave her even after got her medical attention... . Many other women would respond the same to a stranger

HurryUpAndWait23 · 31/07/2021 13:26

If you're in East Sussex, I could be your birth partner 😁

HurryUpAndWait23 · 31/07/2021 13:26

Does your eldest go to a special school?
I used to work in a school for disabled children, I used to work privately for them too.
Is this an option?

Original poster
VeeVeey · 31/07/2021 13:26

I'm in London, I'll be giving birth at Queen Elizabeth.

Thank you all for being kind and offering suggestions. I'm noting everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeeVeey · 31/07/2021 13:29

My eldest (almost 4) goes to a special nursery. The manager isn't receptive to emergency care unfortunately. Something about insurance. I'll get OH to clarify exactly what it is she said.

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 31/07/2021 13:31

@VeeVeey

My eldest (almost 4) goes to a special nursery. The manager isn't receptive to emergency care unfortunately. Something about insurance. I'll get OH to clarify exactly what it is she said.
Under her employment, she isn't insured.

But you could ask the person separately. There's nothing stopping those who work with your son in nursery, baby sitting him off their own bat (back?) privately. There is nothing wrong with this and separate from the nursery.

You need to ask them directly.

Listener2021 · 31/07/2021 13:32

I gave birth to dd alone for similar reasons. It was absolutely fine. The midwife was extra kind.
You will be okay. In the old days, that's how things were.