To be scared of giving birth alone

[VeeVeey]

..I say alone, I'll be in the hospital but no birthing partner. OH won't be with me because we have nobody to have the children. No suitable family (My mum is an alcoholic, OH's dad works 6 days a week and doesn't do childcare. His mum lives abroad)

We don't really have friends. We don't know the neighbours well enough. Eldest has severe autism so we couldn't just hire a random childminder. Logistically the only option is for me to be by myself.

My last birth was really traumatic and I almost died. I have PTSD from that so thats why I'm scared of going through birth by myself now.

Has anybody else had to go it alone? I'll be ok won't I?

12 weeks to go

I'm in London. More than happy to help.

I gave birth alone 3 months ago, I have a 4 year old girl, I had very very traumatic second birth which ended in a neonatal death and I was PETRIFIED for my third. No help nearby. Dh had to stay with DD,

Got induced on Thursday, very long waiting times for delivery suite. But once waters were broken time was pretty straightforward. After he was born I lost around a litre but when the doctor said I'll be okay no transfusion needed (I lost 4 litres previous birth) I literally shouted "IM NOT GOING TO DIE No, just keep me alive"

It's not as bad, as the midwives stay with you entire time when you're in Delivery.

But honestly I'm in west London, pm me if you need anything/need someone there with you!

OP, I’m in a similar situation where we won’t be able to get childcare and will have to birth alone.

I’ve had a really useful conversation with my midwife
A few points she made:
I can request a c-section (although I’ve already had one and therefore it’s a pretty easy process to reject a VBAC. Not sure how easy it is at your hospital)
They will try and have an extra student midwife with me as support if I am not able to have a doula
Anecdotally, they’ve noticed through the pandemic that a lot of women labouring on their own do very well. For years, midwives have noticed that if the partner goes for a walk/to get some snacks, there is often a jump in progress
She really noticed how well a lot of women did when they didn’t have husbands in the room - I suppose it depends how useful yours is, but I’m quite convinced I’m going to do better without DH making dumb awkward comments!

I had no birthing partner and it was fine.

@VeeVeey I’m a student midwife in London. I’d be happy to be your birth partner! X

Well I mean what do they really do anyway? I kind of think you’re basically on your own anyway. Can’t say I was ever interested in holding anyone’s hand or having my brow mopped. I’ve had two traumatic drug denied deliveries. Dh could have been on Mars for all I cared.
You will be fine. I’d suggest hypnobirthing. I didn’t do it but I wish I had as I’ve heard good things

@VeeVeey I’d make it clear that you’re looking at it as private arrangement with the person, not an extension of nursery care (and insurance) in your home, realistically what they do out of work hours is nobody business.

You have 12 weeks to find a babysitter that you trust

This. You should have DH with you. It's the birth of both of your child, and he's missing it because of childcare. 12 weeks is a long time to find someone who can look after your children for one occasion. Yes, it might be a one off expense, but if ever there were a situation that justifies it...

I had my first without anyone with me at the hospital, It was fine for me I went into survival mode got my head down and powered through. The only time I felt it was after he was born and I didn’t have anyone else to share that special moment with. I promise you, you are stronger than you know! Midwives are fantastic caring people they will be there to hold your hand and give you a hug when you need it.🤗💐

Doulas Without Borders could help you if you're in financial hardship.

I’m single and gave birth to my DS alone (besides one midwife) and I’m due in 8 weeks and will do the same, especially as my mum (the only person I’d even consider) will be watching my son

It was absolutely fine! The hardest part was shortly after birth when I got the shakes while being stitched up and my son had to stay in his cot on his own but that was for an hour most.

Remember you're not alone - your midwife is there for you. I had both of my children without a partner. It was ok, although the labours were difficult. But my midwife was super-alert to the fact that I was on my own, and any spare capacity came my way - for example there was a doula for a little while, and then another midwife came to help.

@1forAll74

I had a traumatic birth with my first born, 48 hours in labour, and was alone, except for midwife and a doctor.. Husband had to be elsewhere, and family lived miles away. But I never dwell on things, and all was ok in the end,

Kindly fuck off with this dismissive attitude.

My first birth was traumatic and I was fine. My second birth was traumatic and I have PTSD.

Op has already stated that she has PTSD relating to her birth experience. "Don't dwell on things and you'll be fine" is utterly unhelpful and a completely ridiculous thing to say here.

Look into 3 step rewind to help with previous birth trauma. More and more doulas are training in this. I will send you a PM with some doula suggestions..

I had noone to have my kids so had a home birth, is that an option for you? That way your husband is there.to see to the kids and give you a hand hold. I had 2 midwives sent out who stayed with me the entire time. They don't allow it as an option of you're high risk but worth asking. I actually preferred it to my first hospital birth overall, I was lucky it all worked out. Hope you manage to get it all sorted, so stressful when you have no support system.

OP, please also consider talking to your midwife about how you are feeling your anxieties rise and a reoccurrence of some of your PTSD symptoms as you get closer to birth. It might be worth discussing whether you would benefit from a referral to the Peri-natal mental health team as more specialist support.

I had to give birth alone with my youngest. My (narc) mother was supposed to come down to have our older 3 but she didn’t turn up (as my stepfather was ‘tired’) and we didn’t know until the last minute so no time to get anyone from DH’s family up, they lived an hour away. One of my DSs has ASD too, and very challenging behaviour at that time, so I didn’t want him left with anyone else. DH took the DC home after visiting hours intending to come straight back when my mum arrived but she didn’t, wasn’t answering texts and as my induction worked very well, I gave birth just over hour after they went home.

I also had a previous traumatic birth which ended in neonatal death (we knew it was going to happen) and I never imagined I would end up having to give birth without DH there.

It was fine though. The midwife was very respectful of what I’d requested in my birth plan, not being trapped strapped to a monitor, wanting to move around and not stay on the bed, and the birth was the best I ever had. Definitely felt supported and knew that if anything went wrong I’d be taken care of. Didn’t care that DH wasn’t around afterwards as just gazing at DS! In fact if I could have gone back. I’d not have had him at previous births as he was bloody irritating and I want to punch him! Him being with the DC, rather than someone I didn’t know well, also took away the worry about the DC being OK.

I know it sounds scary but talk to your midwife and tell her the situation. I’m sure she can allay your fears.

Would an elective (maternal request) section be something you’d consider? You would have a date, could arrange childcare and have your DH with you for the delivery. Would mean a day or two in hospital though, but may be less traumatic than your last delivery?

I really do hope you find someone to be with you . But if you don't you will be ok. Your adrenaline will take over and you will just be focusing on giving birth and having your new born with you .

I gave birth to 1 of my children in hospital I was alone well midwife/nurses were there. To be honest I never even thought about the fact I was on my own.

I also gave birth on my own at home well my 3 year old was there but that does not count . Again the adrenalin cut in and everything was fine.

I know its scary/upsetting for you . But the hospital will have had lots of mums give birth alone.

Ring your maternity wards and ask to speak to PMA. They may be able to give you a student midwife to stay with you in labour.

I was alone when my baby was born. It did get a bit scary when I was not progressing well. It was decided that I needed a C Section and so that is what happened.

I could not have had anyone with me for that as it was a full anaesthetic but in reality midwives, doctors theatre nurses and all the other hospital staff were the people I needed most. Family members could not have helped me. They are not medically qualified.

You will get through this no matter whether DH is there or not

@VeeVeey

I would gladly take a stranger to be honest, anybody would do, so I'm prepared to ask about I just feel a bit pathetic

Regarding doulas in training, where would I find one?

Try contacting NCT as a starting point. They train doulas x

I was under the caseloading team at my hospital (also London) which meant that I had my own dedicated midwife throughout my pregnancy and I saw her every couple of weeks. We also scheduled my ELCS for when she was on duty so she could be there too plus she did a lot of the aftercare (in particular, getting me discharged). Is that something your trust does? It made such a difference having someone I knew there.

Oh hugs op. I can imagine how worried you are, but please talk to the MW. She will help figure this out with you. Good idea about asking the nursery. Rubbish of your parents, but now you know where they stand.

I hope your husband can find a way to be there with you

Nursery staff will usually babysit nothing to do with nursery/insurance. I’d speak to the member of staff directly or message their you know their name on Facebook etc.
You may also benefit from a debrief of your last birth - hopefully reassure you for this one. I saw a specialist midwife at hospital for my de brief. Best wishes.