To be scared of giving birth alone

[VeeVeey]

..I say alone, I'll be in the hospital but no birthing partner. OH won't be with me because we have nobody to have the children. No suitable family (My mum is an alcoholic, OH's dad works 6 days a week and doesn't do childcare. His mum lives abroad)

We don't really have friends. We don't know the neighbours well enough. Eldest has severe autism so we couldn't just hire a random childminder. Logistically the only option is for me to be by myself.

My last birth was really traumatic and I almost died. I have PTSD from that so thats why I'm scared of going through birth by myself now.

Has anybody else had to go it alone? I'll be ok won't I?

12 weeks to go

Great idea about a student midwife- I had one at my birth and she was amazing- mine was the first birth she had seen ( even though she was a mature student and had kids of her own).

You won't be on your own in any case OP- you will have midwives there.
My OH aws pretty useless TBH, scared as a rabbit, slept during the first part of labour, drank all my juice, ate all my snacks, felt faint during the process, totally out of his depth and really not much support at all.
I am sure there are lots of fantastic men who give a lot of support- but equally a lot of fathers who would prefer to be elsewhere.
It is a modern idea to have fathers in at childbirth- for thousands of years it has been a female only domain.
My OH is great in many other ways, but if I had gone on to have another child i am not sure I would have even wanted him there.

I’m sorry. It’s so tough when you don’t have reliable childcare. We found a babysitter on childcare.co.uk who was a former nanny with autism experience. We booked a couple of shorter sessions with her so DC could get used to the idea and now she does longer stretches of babysitting. You’ve got 12 weeks for them to get used to someone new, so it might be worth a try.

I will approach the apprentices from the nursery personally, worth a try isn't it? I discounted that as an option thinking they wouldn't be able to, because of what the manager said and so they'd be risking their placements.

They're only young, 17-19, so I'm not sure if they'd be comfortable with DS without the support of the nursery either as he is very high needs - but I will certainly ask.

I think student MW will be an excellent idea.

Also going to have a look on childcare.co.uk now, thank you!

It would definitely need to be somebody with experience of autism as DS is very hard work.

I realise you do not want to give birth “alone” but please be assured that if you have to it will be okay.

When my first was born there were complications and at one point DH was told “baby is okay and we’re doing our best to save your wife” so we were both pretty traumatised.

When I had our second I was put on a “team led” delivery so I ONLY had midwives that were FULLY aware of what had gone wrong before (it was caused by people not reading my notes and giving me an epidural which was very clearly contraindicated). DH had to look after our eldest so it was just me and the midwives and it was actually really good. Not having to worry about DH took some of my stress away and he didn’t have to be worried about me as he was at home taking care of eldest child so fully occupied. I was well taken care of and IF I ever did it again (DCs all grown up now so not happening) I would do it on my own every time.

OH was my saving grace last time. He was amazing. He slept in a chair next to my bed every night for almost 2 weeks and did almost all of the care for DD when I was too weak.

My mum could be relied upon then, though, she was sober. No chance of that happening this time.

They say it takes a village don't they, we don't even have a hamlet now

@CouldBeOuting

I realise you do not want to give birth “alone” but please be assured that if you have to it will be okay.

When my first was born there were complications and at one point DH was told “baby is okay and we’re doing our best to save your wife” so we were both pretty traumatised.

When I had our second I was put on a “team led” delivery so I ONLY had midwives that were FULLY aware of what had gone wrong before (it was caused by people not reading my notes and giving me an epidural which was very clearly contraindicated). DH had to look after our eldest so it was just me and the midwives and it was actually really good. Not having to worry about DH took some of my stress away and he didn’t have to be worried about me as he was at home taking care of eldest child so fully occupied. I was well taken care of and IF I ever did it again (DCs all grown up now so not happening) I would do it on my own every time.

Thank you that is really calming to read. I'm so sorry you went through what sounds like a horrific time.

I'm under consultant lead care and have an appointment with the consultant midwife next month to discuss the impending birth, so I'm confident I'm in good hands this time (different, and I dare say better, hospital)

Hi OP,

I am a student midwife and would gladly attend your birth.

Please ask your community midwife. The NMC have made it a new requirement for students to 'caseload' 2 women per each year of our training. Explain your situation to your community midwife and ask if any students are available to caseload you. That means they would attend your remaining antenatal appointments to get to know you and attend your birth.

Even if caseloading isn't a possibility, there will be students on delivery suite who could stay with you as birth partner along side your midwife.

Where abouts are you (vaguely) ?

If it’s the same hospital that I’m thinking of near me then I gave birth there alone by emcs, I was on my own as my ex wasn’t involved and my mum was looking after my children (also have an autistic child so can’t just leave them with anyone) it really was fine they were all very supportive and I was on my own after the birth after a csection which was if course difficult. I wouldn’t personally ask on Facebook groups or take a stranger, it’s a very private thing and I wouldn’t want just anyone there (besides medical professionals obviously!)

@badatcrochet1996

Hi OP,

I am a student midwife and would gladly attend your birth.

Please ask your community midwife. The NMC have made it a new requirement for students to 'caseload' 2 women per each year of our training. Explain your situation to your community midwife and ask if any students are available to caseload you. That means they would attend your remaining antenatal appointments to get to know you and attend your birth.

Even if caseloading isn't a possibility, there will be students on delivery suite who could stay with you as birth partner along side your midwife.

Where abouts are you (vaguely) ?

Thank you, I wasn't aware it was an option! I'm seeing my midwife this Tuesday so will discuss with her then.

I'm based in Lewisham (S.E London) but I'm under the care of Queen Elizabeth hospital in Greenwich a bit further out because I didn't want to be at Lewisham hospital this time.

I don't mind putting that on here as I've name changed any how.

If you're able to afford it I'd really recommend EMDR for the PTSD, I have birth related PTSD and it has made a significant difference. Obviously it's not a magic wand but it's made me more able to advocate for myself and to be able to make choices that are best for me rather than out of fear.

Twelve weeks is enough time to do a course of it and it should at least leave you in a position that if you are by yourself, you're in a better place mentally.

@PumpkinKlNG

If it’s the same hospital that I’m thinking of near me then I gave birth there alone by emcs, I was on my own as my ex wasn’t involved and my mum was looking after my children (also have an autistic child so can’t just leave them with anyone) it really was fine they were all very supportive and I was on my own after the birth after a csection which was if course difficult. I wouldn’t personally ask on Facebook groups or take a stranger, it’s a very private thing and I wouldn’t want just anyone there (besides medical professionals obviously!)

Q.E in Greenwich?

Thank you, i'm pleased everything went well for you.

I'm not sure how I'll be giving birth yet as although a csection has been agreed to on the basis of birth injuries and previous trauma, I'm not %100 I want one. Going to discuss with consultant midwife at the hospital next month.

Credit to you for holding it together by yourself. The thought is really scary.

It helps to read replies like this.

@daisyjgrey

If you're able to afford it I'd really recommend EMDR for the PTSD, I have birth related PTSD and it has made a significant difference. Obviously it's not a magic wand but it's made me more able to advocate for myself and to be able to make choices that are best for me rather than out of fear.

Twelve weeks is enough time to do a course of it and it should at least leave you in a position that if you are by yourself, you're in a better place mentally.

I had EMDR and it was brilliant for me. I went from not being able to sleep or leave the house to functioning %70 better at the end of the therapy.

Unfortunately the closer I get to giving birth it's all coming back to me again.

I have re-referred myself to IAPT (where I had the EMDR last time) in the hope I can get some more therapy before DS arrives.

Ah I'm up in the NW. 100% ask though. Caseloading would be a good option for you. And if not there are still students on the units who are experts at building up relationships with women quickly. You will be very well looked after.

I'm also a sitter on childcare.co.uk where there are loads of sitters experienced in SEN who could look after your DC if needed.

I'm presuming a home birth isn't an option due to your previous birth?

Home birth isn't an option unfortunately no, which is a shame as I quite like the idea of a birthing pool in the comfort of my own home lol.

Yes same hospital! had all 4 of mine there, honestly you will be fine, I was worried as well but it wasn’t as scary as I thought, the only time I was a bit sad was afterwards when everyone had their partner there and family visiting and I was on my own, but other than that the birth itself was fine and your partner could bring the children up after? (If that’s allowed not sure what the rules are with visitors now)

OP Doula UK have a bursary for those needing a doula but not able to afford one. Worth checking out, details on their website.

I had a traumatic birth with my first born, 48 hours in labour, and was alone, except for midwife and a doctor.. Husband had to be elsewhere, and family lived miles away. But I never dwell on things, and all was ok in the end,

@PumpkinKlNG

Yes same hospital! had all 4 of mine there, honestly you will be fine, I was worried as well but it wasn’t as scary as I thought, the only time I was a bit sad was afterwards when everyone had their partner there and family visiting and I was on my own, but other than that the birth itself was fine and your partner could bring the children up after? (If that’s allowed not sure what the rules are with visitors now)

I can imagine that being quite sad, aw I'm sorry you were alone. I'm so jealous of (albeit pleased for) people who have alot of supportive families and friends. Glad all went well for you and baby though.

I'll ask my midwife about the rules regarding visitors on Tuesday. As far as I'm aware, birthing partners aren't allowed in until you're in established labour so I'm assuming there's still alot of restrictions for visitors.

@1forAll74

I had a traumatic birth with my first born, 48 hours in labour, and was alone, except for midwife and a doctor.. Husband had to be elsewhere, and family lived miles away. But I never dwell on things, and all was ok in the end,

Love that attitude.

I used to be similar, never dwelling on things.

I'm a bit of a worrier these days which I need to work on.

I'm pleased everything went ok for you

@FantasticMissFox

OP Doula UK have a bursary for those needing a doula but not able to afford one. Worth checking out, details on their website.

I will look now, thank you!

@VeeVeey

My eldest (almost 4) goes to a special nursery. The manager isn't receptive to emergency care unfortunately. Something about insurance. I'll get OH to clarify exactly what it is she said.

do u have a disability sw? They could arrange a temporary placement whilst you give birth?

could u not have baby at home?

@DingDongThongs

could u not have baby at home?

“My last birth was really traumatic and I almost died.”

And you think the OP should be away from a hospital setting this time..?