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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seeing kids at ex’s place

60 replies

Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 12:07

I’m in a new relationship, around 6 months. New DP is divorced and has contact with children at ex-wife’s house. She is usually there too. This is all new to me so my question is just really whether this is typical or not? It doesn’t really upset to me honest but part of me wonders if I’m being naive about this? Is it actually a sign they are still emotionally attached over and above what you what you would expect co-parents to be? Can those with experience shed some light please?

OP posts:
DeflatedGinDrinker · 31/07/2021 12:13

I'd think it odd he is not being allowed to see his children on his own....

TeenMinusTests · 31/07/2021 12:13

Is it because:
A) they mutually agree it is best for the kids for some reason
B) she is controlling and won't let him take them elsewhere
C) he doesn't have anywhere suitable to take them to
D) they don't have regular contact times

Couldhavebeenme2 · 31/07/2021 12:15

Couple of points - why is he seeing them at ex's house, and can he take them out on his own?

Any bloke who isn't allowed unsupervised contact with his kids (either court ordered or 'on ex's say-so') should be avoided at all costs ime.

If its that the ex is refusing to let him see them on his own then he absolutely must be in the throes of legal proceedings to sort out contact (which in a new relationship I would also be cautious about getting involved in!)

clickychicky · 31/07/2021 12:16

Is he allowed to take them back to his place to stay over? How long have they been seperated?

LIZS · 31/07/2021 12:19

Are the dc young? Does he not have space for them? Why did they split?

Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 12:20

Sorry, to clarify, the contact doesn’t happen exclusively at his ex’s house. Sometimes it is at Granny’s and sometimes it is out and about. So it’s not that she is controlling and it has to be there. Granny only lives round the corner so the contact could happen there but often will be at ex’s instead. As far as I know Granny would be happy to have them there but perhaps he doesn’t want to ask her all the time. I haven’t asked him about it yet as didn’t want to raise if it is actually a non issue.

OP posts:
clickychicky · 31/07/2021 12:22

So many questions for you OP! I think in some circumstances it wouldn't raise any concerns. Eg. Kids are really young. He doesn't have room at his and little money to take them somewhere/get somewhere bigger.

But as PP have said it could also be because he isn't allowed any unsupervised access. Which would be concerning.

clickychicky · 31/07/2021 12:23

Have you seen where he lives? Is it a long way away/really small?

ScarfsForAllSeasons · 31/07/2021 12:24

My DP only sees his kids at his ex's house (actually it's also still his house). It's over 200 miles so he goes every couple of weekends and stays at the house for 2 or 3 nights.

No problem from me. They have been divorced 10 years. If they wanted to be together, they would be.

HelpingJane · 31/07/2021 12:24

I'm no expert on these things but at 6 months in (not sure how long to they've been separated/ the age of the DC?) but he should be doing whatever is best for his kids and your wants and needs after. So if for whatever reason it's better for the children to see them at home, then he should do that.

Does he have his own place? I'm assuming not.

Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 12:25

He is allowed them at his, but he lives quite far so unless it’s a sleepover he tends to head there and see them at ex’s or Granny’s. They divorced 2 years ago. Kids are 4, 7 and 12.

OP posts:
clickychicky · 31/07/2021 12:26

Ah sounds like nothing to be concerned about there then.

Polmuggle · 31/07/2021 12:28

@clickychicky

Ah sounds like nothing to be concerned about there then.
Disagree, he's hardly pulling his weight with his kids is he?
Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 12:30

My DP only sees his kids at his ex's house (actually it's also still his house). It's over 200 miles so he goes every couple of weekends and stays at the house for 2 or 3 nights. No problem from me. They have been divorced 10 years. If they wanted to be together, they would be

Ok that’s reassuring. Thank you.

OP posts:
clickychicky · 31/07/2021 12:31

@Polmuggle I meant in terms of not having unsupervised contact etc. And he's travelling to see them rather than dragging them across the country for contact so in their best interest.

Shopsclosed · 31/07/2021 12:32

Do you have children?

If not, think very carefully before you get too heavily involved with a man with 3 kids. It will totally shape your life.

I wasted years on a man like this and it ground me down over time.

Hathertonhariden · 31/07/2021 12:35

He may be controlling. My friend's ex used to go into the house and sit there trying to get her to make him leave so that he could provoke a fight. He wanted to be able to say to the dcs that their mum was a horrible person making him leave the house.

Why is he not collecting the dc and leaving?

Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 12:53

Ah sounds like nothing to be concerned about there then.

I’m inclined to think not either…

Why is he not collecting the dc and leaving?

I think because it would be too much/too expensive to be out with them all day, and sometimes he doesn’t want to ask Granny too often. Also, they had an amicable split and he had said he thinks it’s important that the DC get to see that their parents still have a good relationship and get to see them together. Which I don’t disagree with to be honest as long as it’s not excessive and as long as that’s really all there really is to it. Sorry for the drip feed.

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 31/07/2021 12:58

My ex refused to see the children unless he could see them at my house so you don’t know it’s actually her wanting him to, I hated it and use to stay in my room but If I did that he would refuse to see them as I was “acting weird”

girlmom21 · 31/07/2021 12:59

If they have a good relationship and co-parent well I don't see an issue.

SoupDragon · 31/07/2021 13:01

Why do you think it is a problem?

If it is because you don't trust him, that is your problem, not the fact that he sees his children at their home.

Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 13:02

@PumpkinKlNG Sorry that happened to you. He does see them elsewhere too so don’t think he’s insisting it’s at ex’s house in this case.

OP posts:
Griefmonster · 31/07/2021 13:04

In general, with a healthy mature co-parenting relationship, seeing children sometimes in their main home sounds like a kind, settled thing to do. No point in insisting it being on his terms only just for the sake of it. Sounds like it's for the kids' sake.

If it is a healthy mature co-parenting relationship. We don't know enough about circumstances to judge whether in ,this circumstance it is something to worry about.

Penistoe · 31/07/2021 13:05

It wouldn’t bother me. Surely unless he is not allowed to take them out it is good for the kids to see them getting on.

Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 13:10

Why do you think it is a problem? If it is because you don't trust him, that is your problem, not the fact that he sees his children at their home.

That’s the point of my thread. I wasn’t even sure if it is a problem. And you can trust someone and still ask questions about whether something they are doing is typical or not.

OP posts:
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