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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seeing kids at ex’s place

60 replies

Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 12:07

I’m in a new relationship, around 6 months. New DP is divorced and has contact with children at ex-wife’s house. She is usually there too. This is all new to me so my question is just really whether this is typical or not? It doesn’t really upset to me honest but part of me wonders if I’m being naive about this? Is it actually a sign they are still emotionally attached over and above what you what you would expect co-parents to be? Can those with experience shed some light please?

OP posts:
Eviethyme · 31/07/2021 13:14

Right so in your mind he should just never see his ex just because she's his ex??? Yabvu.

He is allowed to still see her as the mother of his children.

Passthecontrol · 31/07/2021 13:16

He is allowed them at his, but he lives quite far so unless it’s a sleepover he tends to head there and see them at ex’s or Granny’s. They divorced 2 years ago. Kids are 4, 7 and 12.

Sounds like he's just a shit dad then who can't cope with any sort of parenting unless another adult is around. Good luck.

Blanca87 · 31/07/2021 13:20

I agree with other posters, the red flag is that he is shite, uninvolved parent. What a turn off

TalkingOutYerArse · 31/07/2021 13:22

I wouldnt be concerned. A friend does this quite often with her ex. It's just a distance and convenience thing. Absolutely no danger of them being anything other than just parents, but it works, they're happy and the kids are so that's all that matters. Dont worry.

gogohm · 31/07/2021 13:24

Seems fine to me especially if they are young and his place isn't really child friendly. You don't want to always be dragging them out and it's more settling for them to stay put

Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 13:26

Right so in your mind he should just never see his ex just because she's his ex??? Yabvu.

Erm no. Clearly not what I’ve said at all and if you’d read my posts you’d know that. Stop deliberately misinterpreting things, it makes you seem very silly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 13:27

I wouldnt be concerned. A friend does this quite often with her ex. It's just a distance and convenience thing. Absolutely no danger of them being anything other than just parents, but it works, they're happy and the kids are so that's all that matters. Dont worry.

Thanks this is helpful.

OP posts:
Bellend101 · 31/07/2021 13:29

My ex used to have our DS at mine while I worked (couple of days a week). He would never have him at his unless I begged him for a night off. It was a control thing. A way of controlling that I had to return straight home (which I would have been doing anyway. I'm hardly going to work 13-14 hours and then go club-hopping), a way of controlling that DS only made mess in our home, a way of snooping. All under the guise of it being better for DS and I. I agree with PP who say you should really consider the situation before entering into/continuing a relationship with a man who has children. It would be a major red flag for me if he never has his own kids alone and/or overnight. He isn't pulling his weight. I'm sure it's nice for you, you get him to yourself at night. But did you ever consider that maybe it's difficult for the mother who never gets a night off? Because that could easily be you one day.
NRPs always make out to their new partners that their shit doesn't stink and they're amazing, loving parents. Unfortunately, it usually takes the new partner having a child with them to realise just how far from the truth that is.

Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 13:43

@Bellend101 As I mentioned in an earlier post, he has them over for sleepovers, takes them out, and also takes them to Granny’s. He’s a good Dad.

OP posts:
Bellend101 · 31/07/2021 13:50

[quote Starwardglance]@Bellend101 As I mentioned in an earlier post, he has them over for sleepovers, takes them out, and also takes them to Granny’s. He’s a good Dad.[/quote]
What are you basing his "good dad" status on?

Original poster
Starwardglance · 31/07/2021 13:57

@Bellend101 That’s actually none of your business.

OP posts:
Vanilla1Cookies · 31/07/2021 14:00

I personally wouldn’t date someone who had a set up like that but each to their own.

Why can’t he take them to his for the weekend and give the mum a break? Why is he only seeing them in the day time?

Bellend101 · 31/07/2021 14:01

[quote Starwardglance]@Bellend101 That’s actually none of your business.[/quote]
So... Absolutely nothing then?

PumpkinKlNG · 31/07/2021 14:01

Same Bellend101 Hence my comment, my ex would take them to the park if I begged him so maybe people seen him as a good dad for that but he refused to take them to his so I never got a night off or even more than an hour as he would only take them to the park for an hour, it was a control thing and I couldn’t leave him alone in my house as he would go through my stuff. Glad it works for some but due to my situation it would be a red flag

Scarlettpixie · 31/07/2021 14:19

My ex usually sees our son at my house. Occasionally he will take him for a walk. After 3 years of this his is now wanting DS to go to the house where he lives with OW but DS who is now 14 isn’t keen.

I don’t think you have anything to worry about per se but I would be wondering why he doesn’t take the children to his or take them out more to give their mum a break and just generally be more involved. It doesn’t make him look great tbh.

As for my set up, I go along with it because it is what DS prefers and am on good terms with ExH for the same reason. Hell would freeze over before I took him back so OW has nothing to worry about.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2021 14:41

Why did he move so far away from his children? Sorry, but that by itself is a red flag for me.

funinthesun19 · 31/07/2021 14:57

My ex comes here to see the kids because his place isn’t child friendly. However, he is making the effort now to make it better so that they can start seeing him there instead.
The red flag in my ex’s case is that he’s lazy.

Piffle11 · 31/07/2021 16:28

I wouldn’t be remotely concerned about the relationship with his ex, I would be more concerned about the relationship with his children. He doesn’t seem particularly interested in doing much with them, TBH. I don’t get why he wouldn’t want them to come and stay overnight? It’s not as if he’s got three toddlers to deal with. Rather than picking up and having them all day and overnight, he is choosing to go there and stay a few hours instead. BIL used to do this with his DC: every week he would pick up them up and go straight to MIL’s. He basically sat there and read the paper, and she’d have to entertain DC and feed them. Cost him nothing other than a bit of petrol. Perhaps his ex allows him to see the DC at her house because she knows it’s the only way he will see them?

mewkins · 31/07/2021 16:52

A good dad would be a parent and look after his kids properly, not drop in like a visitor in his children's lives. That would concern me. 'Sleepovers'? No, his home should be their other home and he should be having regular nights where they stay there and he looks after them fully like the parent he is.

RedMarauder · 31/07/2021 16:59

Sorry for me this a red flag.

If he wants to parent his kids properly and ensure they are part of his life going forward he should be taking them back to his home regularly and letting them stay over with him.

If he can and doesn't then he isn't a good dad.

PumpkinKlNG · 31/07/2021 17:04

Exactly couldn’t believe the earlier comments about it being best for the kids no it’s best for the dad meaning he Doesn’t have to do any real parenting

BackBoiler · 31/07/2021 17:09

To those saying that he is a shite dad......think about this. He lives quite far away from the kids. So what if it is a school night, it is better for the kids to see their dad at home, than for him to drag them out for a few hours after work. Maybe it is better to see them more often, help with the younger ones bath time and bed time etc. When it is the weekend, a sleepover and then a visit to granny so she can see them too. In my eyes that is more involved than every other weekend!

BackBoiler · 31/07/2021 17:12

Or then again.....he could just be a shite dad Grin

PumpkinKlNG · 31/07/2021 17:15

In my case it was because my ex didn’t want to do any of the work and didn’t want the headache or responsibility of looking after them alone. So maybe that clouds my judgment.

Bellend101 · 31/07/2021 17:24

@mewkins

A good dad would be a parent and look after his kids properly, not drop in like a visitor in his children's lives. That would concern me. 'Sleepovers'? No, his home should be their other home and he should be having regular nights where they stay there and he looks after them fully like the parent he is.
THIS. Much like the fathers who claim to be "babysitting" their own children 🙄