AIBU - angry with husband for staying out all night and lying

[Rockape1992]

I’ve been with husband for over 10 years. We’ve been the best of friends and had a great relationship on the whole although not been without it’s ups and downs. Recently my husband has started enjoying going out whereas he never really enjoyed socializing before. Which I have no problem with (and have in the past actively encouraged) until the last few times where he didn’t come home until the next morning. No message to say he’d be late, not answering calls. I don’t believe he’s being unfaithful etc, I think it’s more that he gets blind drunk, ends up at a mates and just doesn’t think to let me know. We had a big talk last week after I told him I’d had enough of that behaviour and he promised me I could trust him to do the right thing. Tonight he went out again and was over two hours late home past the time we’d agreed (for context, I wouldn’t usually impose restrictions on him but he was supposed to be proving to me I could trust him). He told me he’d booked a taxi earlier in the night and they’d called to say they would be late but in actual fact he was lying and had just wanted to stay later. I know this may not sound like a big deal but I’m so upset as we’d said that this was a chance for him to prove to me I could trust him on a night out and I feel really let down. Also for context, we have an almost 3 year old son who I stay home with (and who isn’t sleeping) and I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second child. I’m struggling with my health as I have a health condition that has flared up during my pregnancy. With all that in mind, AIBU for being angry with him and feeling let down? Sorry for the rant.

Your husband's behaviour is completely unacceptable in my book. WTAF is he playing at? He's a grown man with a pregnant wife, a child, and responsibilities. Not an 18 year old uni student. I would be livid.

Not unreasonable at all. I wouldn't go out all night without a clear agreement with my wife and her full approval. I'm not 15, after all. If I spend a night away (socialising, not working obvs), then I would check in by phone occasionally just to touch base and reassure. We're not in each other's pockets but are quite independent, and yet I wouldn't leave her wondering where I was at any time.

He's either hiding something from you (you say it's started happening recently - why?) or he's just very immature and is trying to live as a teenager again. He needs an adult conversation with you, and fast.

Also meant to add, when he got home and I found him out in his lie, he got all defensive, told me to fk off, that I was trying to ‘pen him in’ and he liked to ‘get f*d up as a release every now and again’ and basically threw everything we’d talked about and agreed on back in my face (despite being totally on board when we’d discussed it). I feel devastated and that he just doesn’t care for me or respect me at all. I really thought he put more value on our relationship than that but it seems going out with a bunch of mates and getting wasted (and forgetting the promises he’d made to me) is way more important to him. If I can’t trust him, and it matters so little to him to show me I can trust him, then I really feel that the future of our marriage is at stake. Please can someone give me their opinion as I don’t want to be unreasonable but I honestly don’t think I am being.

What makes him think he can abandon you and your child at night and cause you worry? Will this behavior continue throughout this pregnancy and beyond? So that now you have two children to care for by yourself? Will he be reachable when you go into labor?

He's thoughtless, self-centered, and just leaves you at home all night with a kid who's not sleeping and you who's also not sleeping, and I bet the next day he's sleeping/recovering and you still have to care for your son all on your own. Am I right?

You are not overreacting and he needs to grow up and be a responsible member of the family.

My ex did this repeatedly to me. Not the drinking part. It was gambling. Out all hours, no thought to what was happening at home, how worried I was, or how he hurt me and the children with his actions.

@Whimwham and @Aquamarine1029 thanks so much for your replies. I’m laying here awake with every thought and emotion going through my head and it really helps to have my feelings validated and to know I’m not just being an overbearing wife. Yes it’s started recently although looking back, there have been a few times in the past where he behaved like a dick on a night out but it does seem to have stepped up lately. Not sure if it’s the thought of becoming a father again freaking him out. I do not think he is cheating, I really don’t think it’s that. He does have a busy and stressful job but then I also have a busy and stressful existence looking after our son (we live away from family and don’t have a good support network here). He just says to me why don’t I go out and do the same - well the fact that I’m pregnant, unwell and constantly exhausted may be the reason…???

Well, one "f**k off" especially after you had agreed on a course of action, and I would be contacting an attorney.

No way should he be speaking to you that way. Shows his complete disrespect for you and your children.

@Ihavehadenoughalready this is exactly it. It makes me so angry that he thinks that this is ok and he’s trying to make me feel like I’m the one being unreasonable. He actually did something similar when I was pregnant with our son. He went to a music festival with a mate in Hungary right at the end of my pregnancy and proceeded to be uncontactable for about 24 hours. Again, alcohol and having a good time being the culprit. Thankfully I didn’t go into labor but I was so upset that he’d been so thoughtless. Since our son came along, it didn’t really happen again until recently. I’m at my wits end. I love him, and I think he loves me (or at least he did). We have a nice life in many ways and I don’t want to take that away from our son but I can’t go on being disrespected and disregarded like this.

@Ihavehadenoughalready yes the past two times he stayed out, he ‘had’ to take himself off for a nap in the daytime. I was fuming. This time he hasn’t stayed out all night and has been in touch, it’s just the lying. He thinks because he’s sent me a few messages that the lies aren’t important and the fact he’s late home isn’t important. He is trying to turn it on me and say that I’d have given him a hard time regardless of what he did or didn’t do. Which isn’t true. I so badly want to be able to trust him. I never used to have a problem with him going out or having fun. As I said earlier, I have previously actively encouraged him to make friends and go out as he has been anti social in the past. I really can’t get my head around this change

If he goes out… can he stay out? Like can you compromise? I.e. if he goes out he stays out? So your not waiting for him and he does feel pinned in? Maybe just agree on how frequently he can go out?

I’m sorry he is being a dick

@Guavafish yes, if he’d told me he wouldn’t be coming home as it was going to be a late one, then that’s (usually) fine with me. Although I wouldn’t be happy to be left literally holding the baby all the next day while he recovers. The point is that he hasn’t done that on any of the previous occasions and at this point in time, I don’t think he deserves the leeway that gives him. He’s supposed to be earning my trust back and effs it up at the first opportunity, seemingly without any regret or remorse. That’s what really hurts.

I think there's no point talking to someone like this when they come in. I would have left it until tomorrow when he is sober and awake. Don't discuss it again with him until you are ready. He's being cruel and selfish and I'm hoping it's just because of the drink.

@MyOtherProfile yes you’re right, it probably wasn’t the best idea but I was so angry I had to say something. I probably didn’t react the best way when I found out as I shouted at him and called him a liar (and a few other things I probably shouldn’t write on here), but then, isn’t that what he is? Problem is now, he’s snoring away in the spare room without a care in the world and I can’t sleep and will be up in a few hours with our son.

You've every right to be absolutely livid. Unfortunately though I really don't think you can rule out being unfaithful - the change in behaviour, lying and staying out all night...especially whilst you are pregnant which seems to be a time when a lot of men cheat.

For balance I do feel I should add that aside this (quite major) issue, he is not essentially a bad person. He works hard to provide for us and to build a future for our family. He is hands on with our son when his job (and boozy nights out) allow for it and he is great with him. He has supported me through certain crises in my life and has been known to make loving and caring gestures every now and again. I am not trying to excuse him as I think you can all see how angry I am, but I am seriously thinking of walking away from the relationship. So I don’t want to paint an inaccurate picture of him. Is that an overreaction? I just don’t see how we can move past this.

"social" does not equal whatever the hell it is he is playing at.

Try to sleep and talk when things are calmer? I just think imposing time restriction on a person who gets drunk blind will fail.

I think just organise maybe to stay with a family or friend? Or have a friend/family stay over. Hopefully, it’s not frequent. Of course tell him when the baby arrive not to plan any nights out for a while as you’ll need help.

If he continues maybe you will have to reevaluate your relationship? He doesn’t sound loving if he continues to make you unhappy.

@ivfgottwins yeah I can see your point and how it probably looks. But honestly I don’t think it’s that. He’s not being secretive in that way, it’s more like he’s got a taste for the life he was living 15 years ago and that’s dictating his behaviour. That might sound naive but I know him so well I genuinely think I’d know if there was that element. To be fair though, if I came across my post I’d probably be thinking the same as you

That's awful treatment. It sounds like your OH has a drink problem. Could you pack a bag and go away with your son for a few days in the morning before he gets up? It sounds like you need a break and the stress of dealing with this issue without cooling off for a few days will not be good for you.

@jpclarke thanks for your message. I’m actually thinking of going away but it’s tricky as my closest family and friends are a flight and train journey away and i have some important antenatal appointments coming up in the next week or two. But you’re right in that I think we both need some time to reflect on the situation without becoming embroiled in a row. He doesn’t have a drink problem as such, he doesn’t drink everyday, or even that regularly, just that when he does, he doesn’t seem to know when to stop. I think it’s more a self control issue than any kind of addiction issue. Also the issue of being a selfish prick

His behaviour is out of order and I would be livid. Imagine if you had done the same thing, gone out all night and not been contactable for hours
He needs to stop drinking alcohol as it is obvious that he behaves irresponsibly when drinking . You may need to give him sort of ultimatum and stick by it

Btw Op
Your dh does have a drink problem. Just because he doesn’t drink every night / regularly it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a problem with drink.
His lack of self control means that he has issues with alcohol

My ex was similar. Turned out he was also doing Coke.
Imagine if this was reversed and you were doing it. He would hit the roof.
Its not fair for you or your son. He needs to grow up.

I can't imagine doing this towards my partner. He really doesn't care about you anymore I'm sorry.

He sounds like a nasty drunk. Do you think he could be an alcoholic? It's not normal to prioritise getting shitfaced over your wife and parenting responsibilities. The fact that him 'having a good time' is his main priority despite you raising his unacceptable behaviour is really quite worrying. Have you tried suggesting he see his GP and get some help with his alcohol consumption and possibly some therapy (this change in behaviour must be down to something)? If he continues down this road, I would leave him - it's no environment for young children and you must be miserable.

Erm... no. This is entirely unacceptable IMHO.

I would be ok if it happened once in a blue moon but if it was a regular thing, I would not tolerate it at all.

I find it interesting that it appears to be a reaction to your pregnancy. I have seen some men behave as if their 'freedom' will disappear once the baby arrives and so they must have fun now. Not something I understand but just an observation...