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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - angry with husband for staying out all night and lying

65 replies

Rockape1992 · 31/07/2021 02:57

I’ve been with husband for over 10 years. We’ve been the best of friends and had a great relationship on the whole although not been without it’s ups and downs. Recently my husband has started enjoying going out whereas he never really enjoyed socializing before. Which I have no problem with (and have in the past actively encouraged) until the last few times where he didn’t come home until the next morning. No message to say he’d be late, not answering calls. I don’t believe he’s being unfaithful etc, I think it’s more that he gets blind drunk, ends up at a mates and just doesn’t think to let me know. We had a big talk last week after I told him I’d had enough of that behaviour and he promised me I could trust him to do the right thing. Tonight he went out again and was over two hours late home past the time we’d agreed (for context, I wouldn’t usually impose restrictions on him but he was supposed to be proving to me I could trust him). He told me he’d booked a taxi earlier in the night and they’d called to say they would be late but in actual fact he was lying and had just wanted to stay later. I know this may not sound like a big deal but I’m so upset as we’d said that this was a chance for him to prove to me I could trust him on a night out and I feel really let down. Also for context, we have an almost 3 year old son who I stay home with (and who isn’t sleeping) and I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second child. I’m struggling with my health as I have a health condition that has flared up during my pregnancy. With all that in mind, AIBU for being angry with him and feeling let down? Sorry for the rant.

OP posts:
Velvian · 31/07/2021 07:13

My DH is a bit like this too. He is otherwise great, but has a problem with binge drinking. It's probably every 3 months. I used to really worry about him getting home safely and the lack of contact and not being home when he said he would. I'm fairly confident now that he will get home at some point in the early morning and will be pretty useless the next day.

I have accepted it in an otherwise good relationship. I know it is not the best behaviour and a lot of people would find it unacceptable.

DH's brothers and parents also have unhealthy relationships with alcohol. How is your DH's family with alcohol?

Katesboy8 · 31/07/2021 07:24

I’m so sorry for you. I would really struggle with this as I am a worrier when it comes to my husband going out getting drunk and there were a few times it happened when I was pregnant and it really upset me.
Sounds like he has a problem with drink so once he starts drinking, the promises he has made you go out the window as he’s a different person. When he’s sober and not hungover, explain again. You are at home with your child and another on the way, you don’t want to have to worry about him and dread every time this occurs! Hopefully when sober he will see sense and know he was being unfair. Try and set some boundaries again for the next time he goes out and see if he sticks to it.. I.e letting you know when he will be home and keeping in touch. If this happens again I’d seriously question his commitment to you and suggest maybe he needs some help with his drinking?

Sending you love as I totally know how this feels xx

Whyemseeaye · 31/07/2021 07:25

He’s a binge drinker. He does have a drink problem. Not knowing when to stop is a big issue and one I’ve encountered in my own relationships.

I’ve been where you are, for me the problem resolved itself due to age - he can no longer take the hangovers! But I know that absolute rage you’re feeling now. When I look back I wish I’d nipped it in the bud before we had children.

I’m no wallflower. I would go nuclear whenever it happened but when he was out enjoying himself none of that seemed to matter.

No advice, just sympathy and understanding Daffodil

allthesharks · 31/07/2021 07:28

When my XH started doing this he was cheating on me, I'm sorry to say. It started off with him wanting more freedom, feeling trapped and resenting having children. I was anxious about him going out and getting drunk as he hadn't done it since before we had kids (I had a 2 yr old and a 6 month old at the time) and I had PND. I agreed to him going out but asked that on the first time he get the last train back (would have been back around 1am) and keep in contact. He stayed out until 4am and wasn't contactable from 10pm. That was how it began and it just got worse from there. Everything was my fault. I was the one who was being unreasonable. Then I found out he was cheating and it all made so much sense. I also said he would never have done that to me. We had been together for 12 years. He had a been a great husband and an amazing father. I posted on here at the time and got similar responses to you and I was sure he would never cheat. I really hope that isn't the case for you. But either way, this isn't how you should treat your wife and mother of your children.

Aprilx · 31/07/2021 07:29

YANBU. I would find this unacceptable behaviour even without the young children or baby on the way. And I know you say he is not being unfaithful, but the sudden change in behaviour and staying out would definitely make it a possibility.

Guavafish · 31/07/2021 07:38

He might be cheating as one person said… if it’s a sudden change in behaviour

Flibbitygibbit · 31/07/2021 08:03

I had a husband like this. Note the word had. He’s now someone else’s issue. Much much happier without him, brought my children up on my own.

Crabsy · 31/07/2021 08:15

I had the same thoughts as @Galacticat in that it might be coke. Heavy drinkers don’t tend to stay out all night because the more you drink the more likely you become to eventually fall asleep or feel tired and like you want to go home. But coke benders can last a few days. It is becoming more and more common even among “normal” people with nice professional jobs and families, it’s probably being used in the pubs and clubs he is attending because it’s just so common now.

To be honest I would divorce my husband if he told me to fuck off when I was pregnant. And if he told me he likes to “get fucked up”, what is he 19? He needs to grow up. So unattractive for an adult man.

GCAcademic · 31/07/2021 08:19

Was your current pregnancy planned? Does he actually want this child? Because his behaviour suggests an extreme reaction to responsibility that he resents.

Tulips15 · 31/07/2021 08:22

I would be livid.

Im a bit petty so I would book myself a night away at a spa? Not contact him for hours but say you will be home by 10am?

notanothertakeaway · 31/07/2021 08:25

I don't think you can dictate to him eg what time he comes home. He's an adult

But you can think whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who wants to go out on benders and tells you to F Off

DillonPanthersTexas · 31/07/2021 08:31

There is a world of difference to being a few hours late (which you would text or call to advise on) and staying out all night without contact because you are so blind drunk you can't function or think. There is something both equally immature and selfish about this behaviour. An arranged night out with the boys/girls is one thing, just pissing off and not coming home is just twattish.

GCAcademic · 31/07/2021 08:33

@notanothertakeaway

I don't think you can dictate to him eg what time he comes home. He's an adult

But you can think whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who wants to go out on benders and tells you to F Off

He might be an adult, but he is also a parent.

How do you imagine it would work, or be perceived, if the OP decided to stay out all night without any consideration of the fact that she has children at home?

GalaxyGirl24 · 31/07/2021 08:36

You are not being unreasonable, he has a family and responsibilities. I doubt he would view it in the same light if you said that you were off out and actually just didn't come home and he then had to do bedtime, overnight and morning routine with the kids.

He is selfish, and it sounds like he didn't mean anything he said in your prior agreements especially if he's told you to f*ck off! You don't need the drama and stress, especially not when pregnant and with a health issue.

Sorry he's carrying on like this OP, I really hope he sees sense for the sake of the relationship 💐

AlmostSummer21 · 31/07/2021 08:36

It sounds to me like he's doing Coke or something.

I think it's less likely to be another woman

I hope you got some sleep

I wouldn't make any rash decisions, mor would I confront him when he wakes/gets up. See what he does/says.

Candydreamer · 31/07/2021 08:43

I'm so glad you've got the responses on here you have OP - I started a thread a month ago when my husband stayed out until half 5 in the morning after telling me he would be back at 11, who had already been out every weekend for a month, I'm 6 months pregnant and we have a one year old. I wish I was lying when I said people jumped on me, called me controlling and said it was perfectly doable to look after the one year old on a hangover although probably not much fun...

anyway, no it isnt okay when you're a parent. its shit for the other parent who has to pick up all the slack.

katmarie · 31/07/2021 08:54

I would never ever do this to my husband, and he would never do it to me either. I have far too much love and respect for him and for our relationship to leave him wondering where the hell I am or to break an agreement and his trust in that way, and he is the same. We parent as a team, and never assume the other is going to just be the default childcare. I don't think your dh has that respect for you, I'm sorry to say. Only you can decide what to do about that. But I don't blame you for being angry and feeling let down.

LadyEloise · 31/07/2021 08:54

I too think he may be cheating. So often you read that men cheat when their partner is pregnant....... staying out all night.......

Sorry Rockape1992.
So often OPs at the start of threads on Mumsnet say that their partner wouldn't cheat or no one else is involved, when asking for advice. By the end of the thread the OP has realised there is someone else involved. Sad

DinosaurDiana · 31/07/2021 08:57

How much less stressful would your life be without him ?
I’d be getting my ‘ducks in a row’ invade.

DinosaurDiana · 31/07/2021 08:57

@DinosaurDiana

How much less stressful would your life be without him ? I’d be getting my ‘ducks in a row’ invade.
In case.
TheWeeDonkey · 31/07/2021 09:00

I have to agree with others, this is very concerning behaviour for him to change so dramatically so quickly. For me its either dependancy to booze/drugs. another woman or some kind of panic reaction to the new pregnancy. Whatever it is needs to be resolved quickly.

I'm sorry you're going through this, you deserve much better.

crimsonlake · 31/07/2021 09:22

Starting to lead the single live whilst enjoying all the benefits of marriage, sounds familiar, my ex did this too. I even remember the words 'why don't you go out?' coming out of his mouth at one point, even ' you're not my mother.' I had got all my 'going out' out of my system in my single years and as the mother of a baby and toddler it held no appeal anymore.
Looking back I am horrified I put up with it, but I had given up my career, had two small children and thought I would not be able to manage to kick start my career.
My advice today would be do not put up with it at all, it will only get worse. As a married man and father he has responsibilities to you all and that does not include behaving as a single person. If he wants the single life he cannot have it within the confines of a marriage.

Original poster
Rockape1992 · 31/07/2021 11:07

Thanks everyone for your messages of advice and support. I got a few hours sleep but have still woken up feeling totally gutted. I know I have to take steps to make this situation right and to do the best thing for myself and my children. I don’t want to break up our family over something that may or may not be a passing phase but equally I am not prepared to stay with someone who is not willing to prioritize me and his children over partying. Husband is apologetic this morning and has suggested he stops drinking and going out but to be honest, it feels too little too late. The trust I had in him and the faith I had in our relationship just feels broken. And I don’t think he’ll stick to it. And I can’t get over his arrogant and remorseless attitude last night. To be honest I feel stuck in a dreadful situation. We live away from family and friends and I put my career on hold to raise our family and so I’m financially dependent on him which I hate. I feel like my options are so limited as I would have to uproot my son from everything he’s ever known and take him away from his father and it’s not something I want to do lightly - particularly if this is something we can eventually work through. I’m not able to stay where I live if husband and I are no longer together (it’s complicated). I agree that my husband is immature, self centered and inconsiderate but I really do not believe he’s being unfaithful and to be honest, I would find it hard to believe he’s taking drugs as he’s very into his health and fitness and has always been very anti drugs. I’m not dismissing it entirely as clearly something is up, but my gut feeling tells me that it isn’t either of those things. I’m trying not to make any rash decisions but honestly I can’t bear to look at him this morning and I can’t see that changing any time soon. He’s told me that he doesn’t want me to go, but that he will stop me taking our son with us if I do. So I feel even more stuck. How can he hold me over a barrel like that knowing full well I won’t leave without my son when it’s his behaviour and his actions that have put us all in this situation?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 31/07/2021 11:32

First off OP,

His behaviour is quite dreadful.

He was drunk and abusive towards you, a pregnant woman, last night.

Contact your family.

Get your passport and your sons, somewhere safe.

He is not a good man.

He may not be a bad man, but he certainly isn't a good one.

You need to stop thinking about him and focus on yourself.
You are in a very vulnerable situation financially.
Don't think for a second he doesn't know this.
Funny how often these badly behaved selfish men ramp it up with a SAHM, and pregnant.

I would look at packing a bag and visiting your family asap.
Tell your GP/ante natal support that your husband has been abusive.

Unfortunately this does sound as if he could be doing coke.

Behaviour like this is not normal for decent parents.

Reach out for support IRL.
Flowers

1FootInTheRave · 31/07/2021 11:51

Coke and/or other women.