AIBU - angry with husband for staying out all night and lying

[Rockape1992]

I’ve been with husband for over 10 years. We’ve been the best of friends and had a great relationship on the whole although not been without it’s ups and downs. Recently my husband has started enjoying going out whereas he never really enjoyed socializing before. Which I have no problem with (and have in the past actively encouraged) until the last few times where he didn’t come home until the next morning. No message to say he’d be late, not answering calls. I don’t believe he’s being unfaithful etc, I think it’s more that he gets blind drunk, ends up at a mates and just doesn’t think to let me know. We had a big talk last week after I told him I’d had enough of that behaviour and he promised me I could trust him to do the right thing. Tonight he went out again and was over two hours late home past the time we’d agreed (for context, I wouldn’t usually impose restrictions on him but he was supposed to be proving to me I could trust him). He told me he’d booked a taxi earlier in the night and they’d called to say they would be late but in actual fact he was lying and had just wanted to stay later. I know this may not sound like a big deal but I’m so upset as we’d said that this was a chance for him to prove to me I could trust him on a night out and I feel really let down. Also for context, we have an almost 3 year old son who I stay home with (and who isn’t sleeping) and I am 18 weeks pregnant with our second child. I’m struggling with my health as I have a health condition that has flared up during my pregnancy. With all that in mind, AIBU for being angry with him and feeling let down? Sorry for the rant.

@billy1966 thank you for your message. I get where you are coming from and I really appreciate the support and solidarity you have shown me. But honestly I don’t think I can call him abusive. Selfish? Yes. Inconsiderate? Yes. Immature? Yes. Deceitful? Yes. But I think abusive is probably a bit strong. He hasn’t hit me or physically abused me. He hasn’t called me vile names. Yes he’s been arrogant and nasty, he swore at me and showed me his complete disregard but I think most people can behave that way from time to time with their partner without it being classed as abuse. But I agree that it is totally unacceptable behaviour. I am not a victim, I am quite willing to give it both barrels when I feel I am in the right but I do feel very vulnerable in my current situation and I think that’s what’s holding me back from taking more drastic action. I’m not professing to be the perfect wife but I am considerate and supportive of him, and would not treat him the way he has treated me and he knows how important trust is to me. If anything, he has abused my trust but I don’t think he has abused me per se.

Being nasty, swearing at you, lying, disregarding you...is abuse. He is abusive. It comes in many forms. His new-found aggression would suggest coke. Ask him directly.

Sounds exactly like my dad and how he treated my mum. Our childhood was miserable and he still cannot admit to the problems he caused. As a wife and mother now I cannot forgive him for how he treated my mum and us. He sounds like he has an addiction issue and he needs to take some serious action. Your children will be impacted by this unless he sorts his life out. After watching what my mum went through, I encourage you to demand better from him and leave if that does not happen.

It is abusive to threaten to not allow you to have your son with you if you leave. You are your son’s main carer and he knows this threat will hurt you and scare you. A decent man would apologise, allow you the space to leave and make sure that he got help for his problems to become a better person.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You find very articulate and insightful, by the way. Do this have any idea who he is going out with and where do they go? Nightclubs? Strip clubs? Are these old friends of his he grew up with and what are they like? How old are they?

It sounds as if you’re not in the U.K, but have moved to his home country with him? Is this how he behaved when he lived there. As a younger man / teenager, before he met you?

Is it legally possible for him to stop you leaving the go try with your DS?

Also, do you think he’s the very insecure type when in a male group - they can put him up to anything and he’ll just go with it like a sheep?

OP,

This is not normal behaviour in relationships.

It is abusive.

A drunk, aggressive man cursing at his pregnant wife?

Abuse is not just physical.

Tell the nurses how he is behaving.
See what they say.

If you were my daughter I would not be happy with how you are being treated.

You are very vulnerable.

He has told you he will keep your son?

I think you should rin Woman's Aid and see what they say.

What was your childhood like that you think this is not truly shocking behaviour?

You deserve better than this, and him.

It is highly unlikely this is going to get better, so you need to be realistic and protect yourself.

Have you full access to family money?

I accept everyone has a different concept of abuse and that it comes in many forms. While I don’t feel his behaviour is abusive, I can understand that to many, it is. @cosima8 it’s a group of people he met through his old job. I know most of them myself and they are hard core drinkers. Nice people but spend every weekend (and many a weeknight too) out on the smash which is not my cup of tea and up until now, wasn’t my husbands either. I do know where he is (or at least roughly) as where we live isn’t very big. Usually bars and pubs (sometimes a meal as well) and then usually back to a mates house (one of his friends has a bit of a party pad). We are both living away from home, we’re both from the UK originally from the same cultural background. I know he behaved like a dick when he was younger (and at least had that excuse) but over the 11 years we’ve been together, I really thought he was different now. I do think he is very easily led, for an intelligent man, when he’s had a few drinks, he has done some stupid shit in pursuit of a laugh or kudos with his mates. It’s pathetic. I don’t know where we stand legally but the legal system is very similar to the UK so I don’t think he can legally stop me, although he can probably makes things difficult. As @Fizzbangwallop says, he should do the decent thing of allowing me space and the freedom to take our child with me. I would never stop him from seeing the children but he knows this is a way to stop me from leaving. He is trying to make amends today by doing stuff round the house and being hands on with our son, but to me it’s meaningless. I just want to get out of here to clear my head for a bit. I just can’t think straight. @billy1966 my childhood was very normal and very happy. I lost my dad 12 years ago (today actually) which was very hard but my family rallied and we’re very close despite the distance. I know my mum and siblings would do whatever they could to help and support me. If anything, my husband is the one from a dysfunctional family and had an abusive childhood. More psychological although some physical, at the hands of his dad. They are estranged now and he is very angry and resentful at the way his dad behaved towards him, but in all honesty, I can see some similarities with how he is behaving himself now. The lying, the deceit, the devil may care attitude, the ‘I’m always right and you’re always wrong’, the manipulation of trying to put things back on me rather than admitting fault. It’s all very familiar.

Thank goodness you have family to support you.

Yes, he is behaving like his father and you need to tell him, you will be damned before you will allow him to behave in a similar way.

I think you need to check out leaving and visiting your family, even if that means upping and leaving whilst he is at work.

He needs to see you mean business.

He is exhibiting awful behaviour that you do not want your children to grow up around.

He is bringing the dysfunctional behaviour of HIS childhood into the next generation.

You need to protect your children from that and him.

Tell him you will protect your children.

Is it a long flight to the U.K, OP? Just wondering how easy it would be for you and your DS to visit family to get some space for a while?

@billy1966 I will do anything to protect my children, that’s for sure. I don’t think his behaviour is damaging to them, or at least not yet, but if this continues and our house is one of tension and upset like it has been today, then perhaps soon it will be. My son has been asking me why I’m crying today and I feel so guilty about doing it in front of him. @cosima8 it’s not a long flight and it’s definitely doable but we are supposed to be having my husbands family to stay next week and I really don’t feel I have the capacity to put a brave face on things and pretend everything is ok while they are here. It’s his nieces birthday too so I don’t want there to be an atmosphere to ruin that so I really do feel as though I’m better off leaving now.

Many moons ago, I was quite into the coke scene. Not so many moons ago, my husband decided to get back into the coke scene when our daughter was months old. So from someone who has a bit of an inkling what that life is about - this absolutely screams coke binge. People in that world are arseholes. They don't give a shit about anything other than themselves and their buzz. I left him before our daughter's first birthday and haven't looked back. He's still putting all his spare money up his nose every Friday night and hasn't even bothered filing an application for contact, despite telling everyone he's a poor hard-done-to dad who'd do anything for his baby. You're better off out of there.

Disgusting, disrespectful behaviour. In fact to me it is verging on abusive, as this is one of the things my abusive ex used to do to me.

I hope you are ok tonight op, it sounds like you have had a very emotional day on top of very little sleep. I hope you get some sleep tonight xx

I hope you are ok OP.

I really feel for you, this is so awful.

Unfortunately your son asking you why are you crying is exactly what I am speaking about.

Of course you cannot help it, and I really feel for you.

But it is EXthis that will bring trauma to your son.

It does scream coke.
Itvscreams that he is using.

Protect.