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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get annoyed that my husband has zoom socials after work when I’m exhausted and burnt out after day of kids

68 replies

Mumof2hyperboys · 30/07/2021 17:59

I’ve just got really pissed off with my husband (he’s home working today) because at quarter to 5 he comes into the kitchen to grab a beer out the fridge and tells me ‘I’m just having a beer with Amy she’s had such a crap day’. He’s meant to finish at 5 and then inevitably finishes late. My boys are 2 and 4 and honestly such hard work I think to myself how about my hard day!!

FYI he is her boss and Amy is young pretty blonde which doesn’t help my suspicions!

I’ve confronted him about it when he’s finished work and he’s saying I’m being ridiculously frustrating and that it’s work, but his own words were that he was having a social! He says he finished late because he had other work phone calls to deal with as well.

My argument is surely if you’re busy and want to get off at 5 to help me with the boys then why start a zoom social at quarter to!??

Pointed out to him if Amy has had such a rubbish day why not let her get off early to have a beer with her boyfriend or her friends??

Sorry for massive rant would be interested in opinions. Am I being a jealous weirdo?!

OP posts:

Duchess379 · 30/07/2021 20:21

I'd go up to him whilst he's on his zoom meeting & hand him the kids.. 'I've had enough for today, your turn', then grab a glass of wine & have a hot bath. Why do some blokes think their 'bit' is to work & women's 'bit' is everything else?

BackforGood · 30/07/2021 20:23

@Messyplayallday

My DH has a work social via zoom every Friday at 5pm. I open his office door and send our toddler in there at 5 so I can do what ever I need to do - my self care, dinner, sit on my phone, chores etc Once the social finishes he often does some more work so I grab toddler back and give them dinner whilst he finishes up.

Sometimes it’s a group social, sometimes it’s with a younger female or male, sometimes older, sometimes it’s them all talking about nothing and other times it’s DH making sure other team members are okay.

He’s a managers mangers though, so has a duty of care to his reports.

I’ve never felt the need to become jealous.

This is my thinking, too. On the occasions we've had a social time / how is everyone time on-line when working from home, then people often have a child / dog / cat pop on screen for a while. It's fine. Nice even.

my husband has to do a lot of social events through work, goes away etc especially pre Covid end totally accept that’s all part of his job.
.... and yet now you are saying it isn't part of his job

It's not about being a "cool wife" as people like to sneer, it's about understanding that people do have different roles, and in many people's roles, listening to their staff in a more relaxed way actually is part of their role.
Yes, my dh regularly has meetings to see how people are, in his work. I have also appreciated "chats" with my line manager when technically they have been after our supposed work hours.

I do remember the witching hours and do get how hard that time of night can be with little ones, but sometimes work is what it is.

HelloDulling · 30/07/2021 20:26

Where were your children from 7am this morning? If you are at work by 7, does he give them breakfast/get them dressed/drop them to childcare?

DolphinFC · 30/07/2021 20:27

I agree with so so many of the posters on here!

Definitely launch a massive passive aggressive attack on him!. This is by far and away proven to be the most effective way of resolving marriage issues!

Redcart21 · 30/07/2021 20:29

The young girl has nothing to do with anything. Young females have to work as well and they aren’t all after the men in the workplace…

I’d be pissed off at the social too for the reasons you mentioned about you needing a break. Can you discuss with DH when he can participate in the socials eg every other Friday so you can then plan accordingly and you get some self care time too?

Darbs76 · 30/07/2021 20:32

As a manager sometimes I do spend some of my own time helping my staff, not always about work stuff, I’ve helped one through her husband having a breakdown. I just think it goes with the territory of being a supportive line manager. I’m managing someone with terminal cancer too, I have spent many hours chatting to her when I could be sorting the kids etc. I think the issue here is this is a young blonde female and you’re jealous. That’s fair enough, but address that. Do you suspect something is going on?

newnortherner111 · 30/07/2021 20:53

It's not about who it is with to me, it is having a work call at quarter to 5 on a Friday afternoon, unless it is really and genuinely 100% something that cannot wait until the next working day. Will someone starve, or not get medicine as a result, that level of importance.

Support for a member of staff should not wait until Friday afternoon.

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 30/07/2021 21:28

Switch off the internet, hand him the kids and go out.

MellowBird85 · 30/07/2021 21:39

Is this an actual thing? A “zoom social”? I just find it bizarre. It’s something that would’ve been done when we were in full lockdown but surely not now.

He’s a selfish dick anyway.

toocold54 · 30/07/2021 21:54

If this is a rare occurrence then I wouldn’t be annoyed as we all need some time to ourselves/social life but if this is a regular occurrence where you’re not getting that time then I’d be very pissed off.

BackforGood · 30/07/2021 21:56

Of course it is @MellowBird85
Lots of people have meetings that are more relaxed.

Sometimes there are so many people on MN that struggle to understand that other people's work might be different from their own, but there are probably hundreds of thousands of different jobs out there.

Original poster

Mumof2hyperboys · 30/07/2021 22:56

@BackforGood I guess the main difference with trips away etc is its definitely still ‘work’ to host customers, do business deals etc in which case it’s unavoidable whereas in this case I felt it was unnecessary and possibly not appreciated to keep Amy at work longer than needed for a drink and catch up when as many have agreed she could hardly say no! She probably would have preferred to get on with her Friday evening like the rest of us! I feel like it was more for my husbands benefit to have a beer in peace and avoid the chaos of family life a little longer.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumof2hyperboys · 30/07/2021 23:17

@Darbs76 No I don’t suspect anything is going on. Thinking about it if there was I imagine he wouldn’t come in the kitchen, grab a beer and announce it was her who he was off for a ‘social’ with!
I think pre-children It wouldn’t have bothered me as I guess we had more time for each other and I felt more secure. I think it’s the fact I’m so stressed out and in need of some help it really struck a nerve with me.

newnortherner111 Yes I agree, he has since said it wasn’t so much for support as it was a well done for getting through a crazy week. He at least now acknowledges that it seems a bit weird if all the team aren’t there.

I think there’s an element of him thinking he needs a beer the second work finishes/ towards end of working day which we’ve chatted about and think could be becoming a bit of a problem.

I suggested that he doesn’t drink until the children are in bed and we can sit down together. I was quite shocked that he says he thinks he would really struggle with that and thinks he’s all or nothing and would have to stop all together.

I’ve encouraged him to try and stop. I don’t drink often so I’ll be able to support him in that. His job is quite stressful and think he has been over relying on alcohol to forget about work and at the same time he seems more shut down from everything else.

OP posts:

Rosebel · 31/07/2021 00:05

I don't think I'd be jealous but I'd be really annoyed.
Young children are hard work and you'd been at work since early this morning. Do you both have weekends off?
If so leave him with the kids for a few hours and tell him you are going out for a work social.

headintheproverbial · 31/07/2021 08:04

It really depends how often this is happening. If it's every day then of course he's BU but once in a while is surely acceptable provided you are taking turns at having some time off!

Original poster

Mumof2hyperboys · 31/07/2021 09:04

It’s not every day that he grabs a beer for a ‘social’ just before work finishes but he rarely finishes at 5, he normally comes to help nearer to 6 or even half 6. Maybe it is because he’s busy but it’s my most stressful time of the day when boys are tired and crazy when I’m trying to do dinner and they won’t give me a minute. I guess normally I grit my teeth and get on with it knowing it’s all work. For me I think the problem was him grabbing a beer, it indicates work has finished he’s off duty but he’s not coming to join the family and instead hiding out in his office a bit longer.
Had he not come in and got the beer I would have just accepted work over running and not even got caught up in the details of it .

I never socialise in the evening and leave him with the boys, it was a first taking myself off and letting him just deal with it all on his own last night. If he does finish on time he helps, baths and dresses boys etc while I clean up the bomb-site.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 31/07/2021 09:34

OP,
What time are you feeding the boys?
I remember it being very helpful when someone told me to feed the children earlier. As a result I gave them their meal no later than 4.45-5pm.
It gave them time to digest the energy surge of food, they went down easier, and slept better.
Eating yourself earlier, and leaving a plate for your husband would perhaps give you a bit of space in the evening later on.

It was good advice to me when I was told, pulling meals back earlier would make things easier.
It never occurred to me!

TheMiMit · 31/07/2021 10:10

I am going to go out on a limb with this one - I think yabu. I am in a role where I need to support people under me outside working hours and so does DH in his role. We accept that this is why we earn good money - because we can't just clock off at 5pm. We box and cox with DS. If I needed to do a Friday after work commitment then I would just coordinate it so that another day I was looking after DC when DH was tied up after work. It's just about communication and give and take.

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