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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get annoyed that my husband has zoom socials after work when I’m exhausted and burnt out after day of kids

68 replies

Mumof2hyperboys · 30/07/2021 17:59

I’ve just got really pissed off with my husband (he’s home working today) because at quarter to 5 he comes into the kitchen to grab a beer out the fridge and tells me ‘I’m just having a beer with Amy she’s had such a crap day’. He’s meant to finish at 5 and then inevitably finishes late. My boys are 2 and 4 and honestly such hard work I think to myself how about my hard day!!

FYI he is her boss and Amy is young pretty blonde which doesn’t help my suspicions!

I’ve confronted him about it when he’s finished work and he’s saying I’m being ridiculously frustrating and that it’s work, but his own words were that he was having a social! He says he finished late because he had other work phone calls to deal with as well.

My argument is surely if you’re busy and want to get off at 5 to help me with the boys then why start a zoom social at quarter to!??

Pointed out to him if Amy has had such a rubbish day why not let her get off early to have a beer with her boyfriend or her friends??

Sorry for massive rant would be interested in opinions. Am I being a jealous weirdo?!

OP posts:
zaffa · 30/07/2021 18:51

[quote Messyplayallday]@neverrains

Sits on his lap, plays with the keyboard, takes a toy in with her, grabs a book, pulls his hair and demands cuddles and kisses.

She’s not the only child that ends up on the screen during the social. It’s not work, so nothing confidential.

If it is work - eg: a team member needing advice/support then we have an unwritten code that I need to hold her back for 15 mins but it’s never more than 15 mins.[/quote]
Our work social zooms would be fine with this, if I have DD at home with me for some reason and have dialled in to the coffee calls my colleagues often encourage me to turn my camera on to see her 🥰

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 19:01

Turn off the WI-FI ..

billy1966 · 30/07/2021 19:05

So you have been run ragged since before work at 7am this morning, through to 5pm and he thinks it's appropriate to have a relaxing beer to support pretty Amy.

Nothing to do with jealousy, just plain annoying.

The suggestion to sent the children into him to juggle with Amy is exactly the thing to do whilst telling him you are going for a bath so he knows HE is on duty.

Well done for not putting up with it.

Flowers
Original poster
Mumof2hyperboys · 30/07/2021 19:18

@billy1966 Thank you that makes me feel a bit better. It is bloody annoying.

OP posts:
FunMcCool · 30/07/2021 19:22

For me it’s not the having a drink it’s that he can recognise that Amy has had a bad day and he’s being caring towards her, where as you e had a bad day and he shows no caring attitude towards you. That’s the issue.

Wjevtvha · 30/07/2021 19:27

If my DH just decided he’d go for after work drinks without talking to me about it I’d be annoyed. We have 2 young DC and he doesn’t get to just decide that without at least talking to me as it’s not fair to just assume I’ll have the kids and he can do what he wants

GalaxyGirl24 · 30/07/2021 19:27

This would annoy me A LOT.

You need to discuss this with him, explain clearly that if he doesn't HAVE to be doing extra hours for work then it's voluntary and he can have the kids whilst he does it. As a PP has said, let the kids in to the room and he can manage them.

And then crack on with doing what you need to do which I imagine isn't actually relaxing (which is probs what he thinks you want to do) but is most likely a combination of tidying/prepping/cleaning up/2 minutes sat down with a lukewarm cuppa before bedtime madness.

Don't back down. You need time too!

And also I'd be dubious, does he usually make sure he does socials for all his colleagues or just the pleasant to look at ones?

Original poster
Mumof2hyperboys · 30/07/2021 19:29

@FunMcCool you’ve hit the nail on the head there. I guess I’m jealous of the support and recognition he is giving a work colleague when I don’t get any. I’ve never been the jealous type so the feeing of being jealous was really throwing me. I feel like he never notices if I’ve had a bad day and often I feel like he just tunes me out if I moan about stuff. Would love a supportive chat!!

OP posts:
SpacePotato · 30/07/2021 19:30

@FunMcCool

For me it’s not the having a drink it’s that he can recognise that Amy has had a bad day and he’s being caring towards her, where as you e had a bad day and he shows no caring attitude towards you. That’s the issue.
Yep. Poor young pretty co worker has had a bad day. Man shows off thinking he's a fucking hero.

Meanwhile ignoring his bloody wife who no longer exists as an actual person worthy of help or respect because she doesn't have time to massage his ego.

QueenBee52 · 30/07/2021 19:31

jealousy is a lazy label to throw around... ignore it 🌸

Spidergran · 30/07/2021 19:37

My DH does socials that are kind of weird puzzles or online escape rooms with his team. It's important because team morale is so hard at the moment. But yes I do find it annoying when he's laughing away and I'm trying to sort out dinner. I also work full time but for a grumpy workplace that would never do socials so also a bit jealous!

My DC are a good age to learn phrases though so I sometimes send them in primed to say "daddy smells like a poo" or something for my own amusement

FunMcCool · 30/07/2021 19:38

@Mumof2hyperboys I’m sorry your day has been tough, I’ve got boys the same age as yours and I get it it’s exhausting! Exhausting.

I’d tell him how you’re feeling uncared for abs hopefully his answer is mortification at you being upset.

LunaLula83 · 30/07/2021 19:41

Replace the beers with warm ones and deny everything. Turn of the internet for a few seconds. Agsin deny everything. It's immature I know baahaa

Original poster
Mumof2hyperboys · 30/07/2021 19:41

@GalaxyGirl24

This would annoy me A LOT.

You need to discuss this with him, explain clearly that if he doesn't HAVE to be doing extra hours for work then it's voluntary and he can have the kids whilst he does it. As a PP has said, let the kids in to the room and he can manage them.

And then crack on with doing what you need to do which I imagine isn't actually relaxing (which is probs what he thinks you want to do) but is most likely a combination of tidying/prepping/cleaning up/2 minutes sat down with a lukewarm cuppa before bedtime madness.

Don't back down. You need time too!

And also I'd be dubious, does he usually make sure he does socials for all his colleagues or just the pleasant to look at ones?

His argument is that he was having a beer and a chat/ ‘social’ still in work time initially so was time he would be at work anyway and then ended up finishing late with other phone calls My argument is 1. Why have beer in work time? 2. Why call it a social if it was work then?
  1. He most likely ended up finishing work late because of this social in work time so it’s pretty much the same thing anyway!

I can’t believe how he is just trying to justify it and not see my point of view at all.

I’m a bit dubious too. He manages a small team of 5 people and they do occasionally have socials. Never have I known him to have a one to one social but he tells me this is because it was only him and Amy at work today. Why not have a team social when all the team can attend though?

All his justifying is just making things worse.

OP posts:
quizqueen · 30/07/2021 19:43

Does he usually drink at work? ....just saying, as your post said he grabbed a beer before the zoom thing,

Starfleck · 30/07/2021 19:43

If work feels socials are important they should arrange them for work time, if they're after work, or going then means work finishes later then its optional. He sounds a bit pathetic saying oh Amy is sad to his shattered wife who has been running around after his children all day, he is also putting himself in a dubious position if it's just them at the social. If it's the wider team and pre planned I'd be more flexible and say when finished do the chores so I can rest or whatever, but I don't think you're being unreasonable.

BlueSurfer · 30/07/2021 19:44

Having a Zoom social with colleagues doesn’t sound like the issue. It’s the fact you think he fancies Amy and is prioritising spending time with her over you, whilst you look after his children.

ohthatbloodycat · 30/07/2021 19:46

If I didn't already have kids, threads such as this would provide contraception all on their own.

Langy654321 · 30/07/2021 19:47

Write the word ‘dickhead’ in capitals on piece of paper, put on chosen wall behind him when bringing him over a lovely drink ;)

NumberTheory · 30/07/2021 19:53

With two at that age I think you have a strong case that he needs to cut back on work socialising time and increase home support time.

But I think a small amount of socialising is often the part of being a boss in an office setting and some times required if he’s going to be effective.

His lack of concern for you and your experience would be what would bother me in this situation. Maybe socialising on Friday evenings for half an hour is part of the routine and he makes sure that’s reciprocated in some way so you get half an hour of child free socialising one way or another, or he has the kids in his office when he’s socialising (which is a great way to help encourage a family friendly vibe in his work place - something so many workplaces claim to be into) .

If you can’t say - hold on, I’ve had a crappy day too - and him take that seriously instead of calling you ridiculous, then that’s a real lack of understanding of what your life is like at the moment and what being a family involves. I think that’s always really worrying (though frustratingly common).

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/07/2021 19:55

I'd be upset too, it sounds like you had a manic day and would have appreciated a bit of downtime as much as Amy would, or at least he could have asked you if you were Ok with it. I'd also be a bit pissed off if he doesn't do the same for all the fat old men on his team

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 30/07/2021 20:03

What about her though? She might well feel obliged to sit and "make nice" and be social with her older male boss, doing what is essentially unpaid overtime, when (as you said OP) all she wants is a bath, or to watch tv or phone her bestie.
How can she say no to your H when he's the boss? She's in an impossible situation.

DrDreReturns · 30/07/2021 20:11

We'll shoot me down in flames but we have had a work social every Friday on zoom since the beginning of lockdown. Given we are not there in person it's a chance for us to meet new colleagues who we'd never speak to otherwise. I think this is especially important for graduates starting their careers who may not be as confident as more experienced people. Given I save loads of time commuting in the week I don't begrudge the time, and neither does my partner.

Starfleck · 30/07/2021 20:14

@DrDreReturns

We'll shoot me down in flames but we have had a work social every Friday on zoom since the beginning of lockdown. Given we are not there in person it's a chance for us to meet new colleagues who we'd never speak to otherwise. I think this is especially important for graduates starting their careers who may not be as confident as more experienced people. Given I save loads of time commuting in the week I don't begrudge the time, and neither does my partner.
As he said "I’m just having a beer with Amy she’s had such a crap day" it doesn't seem like the same sort of social tbh.
Neverrains · 30/07/2021 20:16

@DrDreReturns

We'll shoot me down in flames but we have had a work social every Friday on zoom since the beginning of lockdown. Given we are not there in person it's a chance for us to meet new colleagues who we'd never speak to otherwise. I think this is especially important for graduates starting their careers who may not be as confident as more experienced people. Given I save loads of time commuting in the week I don't begrudge the time, and neither does my partner.
Nothing like the OP’s situation though, is it?