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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Advice please

63 replies

Inklewink · 30/07/2021 14:01

I've never written on here, or anywhere else...but I'm in such a state over something...
A unique problem I've not encountered before..
I don't know what to do...
Here goes....
Btw..I'm in bits over this...it's a big deal to me..and it's embarrassing..
I have two friends, a cpl who are waiting to emigrate...
Due to cov 19 thier visa applications are taking a lot longer than they anticipated...
So they're twiddling thier thumbs just waiting..it's been over a month now..they expected to fly 5 weeks ago, packed in work ( hav jobs waiting) & r living with one of thier mother's...
Which is very stressfull. Constant arguments, upsets etc...
I offered them to stay at my house, which is currently unoccupied , on the coast...
I'm staying with my partner in the Midlands during lockdown 3...
It's a 3.5-4 hour drive away...
I moved there almost 3 years ago..it's an old house. 180 y.o. A renovation project.
Mostly cosmetic. But needs windows replacing and a modern shower putting in...
It's fully functioning..has hot water and heating..cooker, freezer, fridge, wm & dryer etc...a bath but no shower. There's no dampness...
Knowing all this, & that I haven't been back since Feb 21 & it's no doubt very dusty and needs airing... There are stocked freezers, dry food cupboards etc for them to help themselves too..plus wood & coal for the log burner...
All they needed was some fresh food..
They were releived to have somewhere to go to get away from the mother/ atmosphere etc...
I said I'd rather go and give it a good clean first b4 anyone went to stay but they said it would be fine as it was...as they needed to get away immediately
They went to university near there & were looking fwrd to seeing some old friends..
So all seemed good..off they went....
Things were very quiet whilst they were away...
I just put it down to them being busy, ..
A few weeks have passed...I've not seen them that much ( despite loaning them my car) once I think...& Inviting them out for dinner as my bf birthday....they were going to Manchester for the night...I said we cud go when they got back and they're off to see the other mother in Hull for a while...
So I won't ask again...
I get the feeling something is up....
Texts on WhatsApp r being read but not being replied to...
And now the crunch bit that is giving me total anxiety....
Yesterday, I put on a hoody that I usually leave in the car...
When they came back from mine, I cooked, we had a catch up...they left earlier than ever before & gave me my hoody and shopping bags out of the car...
I must add that I cleaned the car b4 I loaned it to them..took all of my stuff out, but did leave in some essentials....that every car should have..eg; warm jumper/ hoody, bags, waterproof anorak, etc...
I thought it a bit odd that they should remove those items now...as they've driven around for 3 weeks with them in the car...
But didn't think too much of it...
Then yesterday, I pop my hoody on and in the pocket there's a neatly folded receipt...
It was from when they were staying at mine..
On it was a variety of items..food, drink etc plus tons of cleaning stuff..
And..towels, pillows, duvet, sheets, duvet cover ..
I'm mortified.
I feel very VERY insulted.
I told them there was a full stocked laundry/ airing cupboard on the top landing....
Full of clean towels, bed linen..washed pillows, duvets, including a brand new one in the packet, summer tog..pillow protecters etc..
They're all dorma, John Lewis, Laura Ashley, M& S..so good quality..not cheap itchy fabrics ...
So why on earth did they go out and buy new stuff from Asda? Which would of been the cheaper quality fabrics, and scratchy etc...
I feel my stuff wasn't good enough..
They didn't tell me they'd done it....I found the receipt.
Was I meant to find the receipt?...I think I was...and I think they're dropping hints they want paying..
I feel so insulted.
Why is my linen not good/ clean enough for them?
I always use mattress and pillow protectors...
I feel so upset about this...
I'm not a dirty, lazy slob...so why am I being made to feel like I am?
And how do I deal with it?
Right now I'm feeling like I want them to be out of my life on a permanent basis.
I'm very insulted, hurt and embarrassed.
I feel like removing thier numbers from my phone & asking my other half to call them and ask them to bring the car back when they're back from Hull. Put the keys through the door.
And leave an envelope pinned on it for them with the money in and a copy of the receipt.
There is a sister with a car who can pick them up and take them home.
I was going to take them back but don't feel inclined to any more.
( I loaned them the car BC thier annual insurance was up and they were expecting to move any day. It was overly costly to just pop on another months insurance for them so I did it on mine as cheaper)
Am I being unreasonable.with how I'm feeling and how I'm planning on dealing with it?
I need to run this by ppl before I do anything.
bc quite honestly my emotions are running high and I'm too upset with a lot of things right now , not just this...and I want to deal with it appropriateyl....
Your thoughts please?
Thank you for your time

OP posts:
Inklewink · 30/07/2021 14:02

Advice please. AIBU?

OP posts:
FenceSplinters · 30/07/2021 14:07

What a strange situation. Sounds like you did someone a favour.

CounsellorTroi · 30/07/2021 14:09

I would have been perfectly happy using your bedding etc but some people can be ridiculously particular.

BakedTattie · 30/07/2021 14:13

I think you’re blowing this out of proportion and over thinking.

Maybe they felt bad at having to use all your stuff so decided to not take advantage of using everything and making more work for you. So went and bought their own.

Why do you care so much? Why don’t you just casually say ‘oh I found a receipt for bedding, you know you were welcome to use my stuff’
I don’t really get why this is such a big deal

Sjhegsb · 30/07/2021 14:13

or your place is really damp and everything has gone mouldy?

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 30/07/2021 14:14

Maybe they didn't want to use your good bedlinen?

username18702 · 30/07/2021 14:14

OP it's an overreaction from you and you're obviously feeling a bit put out that they haven't been in contact more, I would be upset by that too. You've been very kind. I think it's up to them if they decided to buy their own things. I'm sure it's not personal.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 14:15

I think you're being massively over sensitive tbh They bought cleaning stuff to clean, you said the places needed to be cleaned? So they bought their own bed sheets? It's not that big of a deal is it?

Cocomade · 30/07/2021 14:15

I wouldn't take it so personally.
You've been very kind and shame they've not been in touch though

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/07/2021 14:16

I think you’re overthinking this. I’d just assume they didn’t want to put you to the trouble of having to do all the extra laundry when they’d left, and that you haven’t seen them much in the past couple of weeks because they’re sorting out the multitude of things needed so they can emigrate.

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2021 14:16

Give your head a wobble, take a deep breath and don't react just yet.

It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate and this has tipped you over the edge but there's an easy explanation; the weather has been damp this year, its possible the stuff in the airing cupboard was musty. Its also possible they didn't want the inconvenience of having to launder your stuff before they left.

dundermifflinthisispam1 · 30/07/2021 14:17

Ok that wasn’t the ending expected. I thought the outcome was going to be that they decided to sack off moving abroad, stole your car and claimed squatters rights. Maybe they didn’t want to use your expensive bedding in case they stained it etc so opted to buy their own for the duration of their stay?

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 30/07/2021 14:18

Also, a fully stocked freezer, but you've not been there since Feb? Maybe the food was past its best? And I agree, if you've not been there in 6 months, maybe the bedding was damp. Or worse!
So they may have replaced it and didn't want to embarrass you by telling you.

Cryalot2 · 30/07/2021 14:19

I can see both sides. I figure you are a kind sensitive soul.
It will only eat at you, you need to ask .

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 14:20

I think your reaction to this is shockingly over the top. Honestly, you've lost the plot a little. You're "insulted?" How? They haven't insulted you. They just bought their own bedding, which they are entitled to do and most likely has nothing to do with your things whatsoever. One or both of them just might have a "thing" about using other people's bedding.

Take a deep breath and really think about this. Does it even matter?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 30/07/2021 14:20

Is this a joke?
If the house has been empty for 5 months or so of corse it needa cleaning and I would buy my own food and cheep sheets too.

Also, juat an fyi umless you live somewhere permanently cold i can't see how anorak and jumper are "essentials that every car should have" Confused

Frankly said, I think they realised you are going way ott and didn't want to use your stuff for that reason

Monr0e · 30/07/2021 14:20

You're mortified, insulted, upset, hurt, embarrassed and thinking of cutting contact permanently because they have purchased their own bedding?

I think you have done an extremely kind thing giving them use of your property and your car. But you are completely overthinking and overreacting to them purchasing a few things for their stay.

CanofCant · 30/07/2021 14:24

@dundermifflinthisispam1

Ok that wasn’t the ending expected. I thought the outcome was going to be that they decided to sack off moving abroad, stole your car and claimed squatters rights. Maybe they didn’t want to use your expensive bedding in case they stained it etc so opted to buy their own for the duration of their stay?
Me too! I was quite relieved for you when I got to the end. YABU.
Anoisagusaris · 30/07/2021 14:26

They probably didn’t want to impose on you further by using your stuff.

That’s an incredibly long winded post over a minor issue

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/07/2021 14:26

I'd have bought my own bedding as well. I once looked after my aunties house for a month as she was going away and wanted someone to be there. I took my own stuff, kept it spotless, filled up their fridge when they came back and all I got from her was abuse. Her towels were no longer white - the towels I never used. Her bed covers were ruined- never used them and I didn't get the milk they like.

Maybe your friends just wanted some cheap stuff so they don't ruin your nice bedding and you did say the house needed a clean

Aprilx · 30/07/2021 14:30

I thought you were going to say they had trashed your house or sublet it on AirBNB or something. But actually all they did was clean (and you said it needed cleaning) and bought some linen for themselves.

This is not insulting. Don’t mention it because you will sound unhinged if you do.

bloodywhitecat · 30/07/2021 14:30

I think you are massively over-reacting.

Aprilx · 30/07/2021 14:31

And yes your post was ridiculously long for such a non issue.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 30/07/2021 14:32

These things are usually in my experiences not a kindness but a martyrdom situation. "i did x and no one was properly grateful" while the x was ott and unnecessary and purely just so person can feel they went above and beyond....

Janaih · 30/07/2021 14:34

Interesting plot twist Grin

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