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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Advice please

63 replies

Inklewink · 30/07/2021 14:01

I've never written on here, or anywhere else...but I'm in such a state over something...
A unique problem I've not encountered before..
I don't know what to do...
Here goes....
Btw..I'm in bits over this...it's a big deal to me..and it's embarrassing..
I have two friends, a cpl who are waiting to emigrate...
Due to cov 19 thier visa applications are taking a lot longer than they anticipated...
So they're twiddling thier thumbs just waiting..it's been over a month now..they expected to fly 5 weeks ago, packed in work ( hav jobs waiting) & r living with one of thier mother's...
Which is very stressfull. Constant arguments, upsets etc...
I offered them to stay at my house, which is currently unoccupied , on the coast...
I'm staying with my partner in the Midlands during lockdown 3...
It's a 3.5-4 hour drive away...
I moved there almost 3 years ago..it's an old house. 180 y.o. A renovation project.
Mostly cosmetic. But needs windows replacing and a modern shower putting in...
It's fully functioning..has hot water and heating..cooker, freezer, fridge, wm & dryer etc...a bath but no shower. There's no dampness...
Knowing all this, & that I haven't been back since Feb 21 & it's no doubt very dusty and needs airing... There are stocked freezers, dry food cupboards etc for them to help themselves too..plus wood & coal for the log burner...
All they needed was some fresh food..
They were releived to have somewhere to go to get away from the mother/ atmosphere etc...
I said I'd rather go and give it a good clean first b4 anyone went to stay but they said it would be fine as it was...as they needed to get away immediately
They went to university near there & were looking fwrd to seeing some old friends..
So all seemed good..off they went....
Things were very quiet whilst they were away...
I just put it down to them being busy, ..
A few weeks have passed...I've not seen them that much ( despite loaning them my car) once I think...& Inviting them out for dinner as my bf birthday....they were going to Manchester for the night...I said we cud go when they got back and they're off to see the other mother in Hull for a while...
So I won't ask again...
I get the feeling something is up....
Texts on WhatsApp r being read but not being replied to...
And now the crunch bit that is giving me total anxiety....
Yesterday, I put on a hoody that I usually leave in the car...
When they came back from mine, I cooked, we had a catch up...they left earlier than ever before & gave me my hoody and shopping bags out of the car...
I must add that I cleaned the car b4 I loaned it to them..took all of my stuff out, but did leave in some essentials....that every car should have..eg; warm jumper/ hoody, bags, waterproof anorak, etc...
I thought it a bit odd that they should remove those items now...as they've driven around for 3 weeks with them in the car...
But didn't think too much of it...
Then yesterday, I pop my hoody on and in the pocket there's a neatly folded receipt...
It was from when they were staying at mine..
On it was a variety of items..food, drink etc plus tons of cleaning stuff..
And..towels, pillows, duvet, sheets, duvet cover ..
I'm mortified.
I feel very VERY insulted.
I told them there was a full stocked laundry/ airing cupboard on the top landing....
Full of clean towels, bed linen..washed pillows, duvets, including a brand new one in the packet, summer tog..pillow protecters etc..
They're all dorma, John Lewis, Laura Ashley, M& S..so good quality..not cheap itchy fabrics ...
So why on earth did they go out and buy new stuff from Asda? Which would of been the cheaper quality fabrics, and scratchy etc...
I feel my stuff wasn't good enough..
They didn't tell me they'd done it....I found the receipt.
Was I meant to find the receipt?...I think I was...and I think they're dropping hints they want paying..
I feel so insulted.
Why is my linen not good/ clean enough for them?
I always use mattress and pillow protectors...
I feel so upset about this...
I'm not a dirty, lazy slob...so why am I being made to feel like I am?
And how do I deal with it?
Right now I'm feeling like I want them to be out of my life on a permanent basis.
I'm very insulted, hurt and embarrassed.
I feel like removing thier numbers from my phone & asking my other half to call them and ask them to bring the car back when they're back from Hull. Put the keys through the door.
And leave an envelope pinned on it for them with the money in and a copy of the receipt.
There is a sister with a car who can pick them up and take them home.
I was going to take them back but don't feel inclined to any more.
( I loaned them the car BC thier annual insurance was up and they were expecting to move any day. It was overly costly to just pop on another months insurance for them so I did it on mine as cheaper)
Am I being unreasonable.with how I'm feeling and how I'm planning on dealing with it?
I need to run this by ppl before I do anything.
bc quite honestly my emotions are running high and I'm too upset with a lot of things right now , not just this...and I want to deal with it appropriateyl....
Your thoughts please?
Thank you for your time

OP posts:
Psdoff · 30/07/2021 14:35

Bloody hell OP YABVU and paranoid. They were rude and took advantage of your generosity but probably wanted their own sheets so it felt more like home rather than the someone else's which it is.

MattHancocksSexTape · 30/07/2021 14:44

You are really over analysing this. Stop offering favours and then expecting them to live exactly as you demand.

Gazelda · 30/07/2021 14:57

OP, you've been a very generous friend. I suspect they feel a bit embarrassed at how much you've offered them and didn't want to use your bedding for fear of spoiling it and being further indebted to you.

I honestly can't see why you feel insulted or inclined to immediately cut them out of your life.

StoneofDestiny · 30/07/2021 15:01

Crikey - rest easy. They have bought their own stuff, no big deal. Doubt anybody planted a receipt in a hoody for you to find. I'd offer nothing in the future.

loosingmymarbles · 30/07/2021 15:08

Are you making them pay for staying in your house ?
I'd just ask them for the car back as you now need it and that you'd like them out the house as work is starting their. Then just leave them to it

Doesn't seem right to ignore you op ?

About the bedding tho, I can't use other people's, il go anywhere with my own bedding! Even my mums since Iv left. If we ever go or the kids. Il take our own ? I'm strange

BadLad · 30/07/2021 15:10

Your thoughts please?

Probably the biggest overreaction Mumsnet has ever had.

ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 30/07/2021 15:23

Hi OP
Not sure why you are getting such a hard time on here.
Clearly others have not had it happen to them.
I have had it happen to me but slightly different circumstances.
I had a relative helping me out with repairs. They offered.
They lived with me for a while. I was obviously paying all bills and I also paid food. I thought this equated to quid pro quo.
When they left they left their coat...with all receipts in for anything bought towards the house. I realised then that despite my food and bills being tripled (or at least increased) my faux pas was not reimbursing materials and I was deemed the cheeky fucker.
This is not your situation...a holiday let and car rental would have cost them a lot. Even if they cannot take bedding or towels with them, they chose to buy them and they were unnecessary purchases.
Cleaning the property would be a way of thanking you for your kindness, not billing you - they are out of order.
Their food = their bill, not something you should have been providing in any case.
I can totally see why you are upset. The receipt didn't just magic its way into your hoodie. At a push, they could have borrowed it and forgot but more likely they were pointing out their expenses.
You ignore it.
Or you write them a bill at air b and b prices, plus car rental and insurance, minus their cleaning services rendered. They will owe you.
Either way, not your fault and they were expecting far too much. Good that they are emigrating I guess. Brew Cake

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 15:32

When they left they left their coat...with all receipts in for anything bought towards the house. I realised then that despite my food and bills being tripled (or at least increased) my faux pas was not reimbursing materials and I was deemed the cheeky fucker.

Are you serious? Shock you expected them to do the work and also pay for materials for work done to YOUR house. You are a cheeky fucker

IonaLeg · 30/07/2021 15:32

I think you’re massively overreacting. It sounds like you don’t even know if they used those things in your house especially, or just bought them for themselves to use at some point? And even if they did want to use them in your house, I don’t see how that’s remotely insulting to you. Maybe your things have become a bit damp or dusty. Maybe they feel bad using your linens. Maybe they have their own preferences about thread counts or fabric types. Maybe they didn’t want to use up your cleaning products. None of these are insulting to you.

You obviously like these people because you did a kind thing in offering them your house. Don’t throw away those friendships over this absolute non-issue.

bluebeck · 30/07/2021 15:37

YABU and massively over thinking this.

Either they just prefer to use their own stuff so they don't inconvenience you, or they have bought stuff for their new house.

I would not think for a second they intended you to pay - that would be crazy.

The cleaning stuff is also fine - you said it needed doing and offered but they said they wanted to do it.

Chill Grin

SchrodingersImmigrant · 30/07/2021 15:40

It's always funny coincidence when op has distinctive post styling matching by a chance to someone else on a thread who agrees with them

FenceSplinters · 30/07/2021 15:45

@SchrodingersImmigrant

It's always funny coincidence when op has distinctive post styling matching by a chance to someone else on a thread who agrees with them
So true.
Hankunamatata · 30/07/2021 15:45

Well your reading lots into this from a receipt in a hoodie. Pick up the phone and ask them?

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 15:46

@SchrodingersImmigrant

It's always funny coincidence when op has distinctive post styling matching by a chance to someone else on a thread who agrees with them
the game is a foot
Advice please
ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 30/07/2021 15:47

Yes, I am wolf, but the OP isn't, which is the point.
The leaving receipts behind is very passive-aggressive though and in her case, not warranted.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 15:49

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe

Yes, I am wolf, but the OP isn't, which is the point. The leaving receipts behind is very passive-aggressive though and in her case, not warranted.
That's assuming they left them there on purpose which is doubtful, why would they expect her to pay for their duvet covers? It seems much more likely that one of them wore her hoodie when they bought the stuff and just stuck the receipt in the pocket and forgot about it
ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 30/07/2021 15:52

As I am the only person empathising schroed I assume you think I am a sock puppet? I can assure you I'm not - please report and MNHQ will confirm. I was insulted actually as I thought the OP (sorry OP) was barely readable and I was going to say I don't do ellipses...
then I read mine and can see it Blush. I now know why my DP calls me out on stream of consciousness writing (sorry OP). Grin

ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 30/07/2021 15:54

Maybe. I'm not sure what's weirder, leaving a hoodie in a car as an essential item or borrowing someone else's random clothing.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 15:54

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe

Yes, I am wolf, but the OP isn't, which is the point. The leaving receipts behind is very passive-aggressive though and in her case, not warranted.
FGS, people accidentally leave receipts in all sorts of places, all the time. I find them in random pockets frequently. You are very paranoid to think this is some kind of coordinated passive-aggressive attack.

And BTW, you not paying for the materials to fix your property is absolute cheeky fuckery.

This is not your situation...a holiday let and car rental would have cost them a lot. Even if they cannot take bedding or towels with them, they chose to buy them and they were unnecessary purchases.

Who are you to determine what is an "unnecessary" purchase for someone else?

SilverTotoro · 30/07/2021 15:54

You’ve done a kind thing for your friends. Like others have said they probably thought they were being helpful cleaning for you and buying new bedding. Don’t overthink it I suspect you would regret losing your temper with them just before they move.

LIZS · 30/07/2021 15:59

Why are you so insulted? I doubt bedding, towels etc kept in an unaired old house for over six months was particularly fresh and maybe they wanted some new anyway. Food may well have gone past its date and not been to their taste. Frankly i'd find it more strange that they wire your clothes! Are they still staying in your house? Maybe a visit is due to see what's what.

AryaStarkWolf · 30/07/2021 15:59

@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe

Maybe. I'm not sure what's weirder, leaving a hoodie in a car as an essential item or borrowing someone else's random clothing.
Maybe leaving it there as an "essential" item specifically, is odd but I usually have a cardie or hoodie in my car, just because I left it there at some point. I mean borrowing someones random clothing is one thing if you're talking about underwear or a dress left in the car but if you get cold and there's a jacket or hoodie in the car I don't see anything weird about throwing it on for a bit
Ruddyknackered · 30/07/2021 16:00

They haven't done anything wrong. You haven't any real reason to believe they left the receipt for you to see. You were kind to lend them somewhere to stay but your post sounds barking! Grin

ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe · 30/07/2021 16:01

Unnecessary if the OP had already told them where towels and bedding were. Not unnecessary for me, I have a duvet cover fetish so it would have been exactly what I might have done. As to my own situation, I had bought some materials but not others, which relative deemed necessary. It should have been discussed in advance. There was no expectation on my side and they did what I would do for my own kids without a second thought. I won't go into further detail than that as I quite like this username.

clickychicky · 30/07/2021 16:03

I'd be annoyed they had been wearing my hoodie