To think this isn’t ok?

[Babyfairy0923]

My MIL took my 3 children out for the day & my daughter has just told me that she left them in the car while she went in the shop for a few groceries.
Apparently she told them not to talk to anyone.
They would have been out of sight.

AIBU?

She either safeguards them as you want safeguarding, or she doesn't have them. There's no reason to not take them into the shop with her. If they are too much for her then she doesn't have them. It's simple, she can cry all she wants.

Omg I can't stand it when people turn the water works on when they are in the wrong.

She does it all the time. To be honest I find it really difficult. She’s very controlling & always makes me intro the bad guy then my husband feels bad that she’s upset & I feel let down by him. Thanks guys, this has got me down a bit today. We have had issues in the past but not for a few years now, I have to pussyfoot around her & it’s not great.

Tears! How manipulative! Would your husband have a word with her to back you up? I think I would leave it to him to tell her anything like this in future and make sure she knows you are both rock solid in agreement. Sorry she made you feel bad and I would agree with others to not let her have them alone again.

@Babyfairy0923

As suspected we’ve had her crying on the phone again as I gently let her know I wasn’t comfortable with it.

I’m the bad guy as I was the one who said it.

We have many other conversations about the children as my husband is constantly working and as their mother surely I am entitled to tell her how I feel? She said it should have come from my husband.

Crying? She’s being ridiculous. Of course you were entitled to say it, they’re your children not hers.

@JackieQueen

Tears! How manipulative! Would your husband have a word with her to back you up? I think I would leave it to him to tell her anything like this in future and make sure she knows you are both rock solid in agreement. Sorry she made you feel bad and I would agree with others to not let her have them alone again.

It’s tears every time that we slightly go against anything, she’s incredibly delicate & I feel in a really difficult place when it happens. My husband likes to keep the peace. Unfortunately this can cause friction. It’s been a while since I have been brave enough to mention anything to her & she does this, I thought she might but I had hoped our relationship was strong enough to take it. If she’s taking my children out I need to be able to communicate with her surely? I would love for her never to take them out again but she would probably never speak to us again if I said that! She would go completely mad. About 4 years ago we had real difficulties with her for the birth of my son, she went mad as we had invited my fathers dad to visit before her, she cried and refused to come to the hospital. I feel like crying today to be honest, it’s always turned round on me/us, usually me as I speak up.

Sorry my husbands Dad to visit first

Apparently it should have come from my husband & not me?! I’m just their mother I guess 🤦‍♀️

I might leave 8 year old - but not in charge of the others. I left my 10 year old whilst I went into a store for a package the other day - he wanted to know exactly how long I'd be. I told him if anything happened to lean on the horn. He was happy with that. Previous to this I have left him to pay for petrol from about 6 - we could see each other - even so I didn't like doing it,and he watched me like a hawk.

I would leave mine, who are slightly younger, to pick up some groceries in the shop whilst paying after filling up with petrol. However, for some reason I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing the same thing of it was the same duration whilst I was in a supermarket. I certainly wouldn’t take the risk with somebody else’s children but maybe she felt they were safer than walking across a car park and round a shop with her.

To quote Jim Royle, "delicate my arse! ". I know it must be difficult but your children, your rules, you hold all the aces. I would be inclined to let her sulk, she'd get over when she realises she's not getting her own way. But if your dh isn't on board then it's not so straight forward. As this is a safety matter he really should agree with you that your children come first, not his mum's delicate (manipulative) feelings! I know it's not easy though, it's fine for us lot on here saying what should happen but its not always that simple. Good luck love, I hope you can sort something out, if not

Thank you. My husband tried to call her back but of course she wouldn’t answer. The big sulk begins.

YANBU. And I think the waterworks backs this up! I must admit, that I do have an over active imagination… But I wouldn’t be able to stop myself thinking, that if a couple of strangers decided to take one of the DC, then the other 2 would not be able to stop them. And yes, I know that this sort of thing is a real rarity, but that’s just the way my mind works. I wish it didn’t.

It's a daft risk to take with another person's children IMO. Really reckless and I wouldn't be happy at all.

So I feel a bit broken tonight. Apparently she phoned my husband back and he said to her don’t worry mum I got told off about it too once. He had done it previously and I asked him not to do it again. I found out yesterday he had gone against me and done it, only with our eldest. So now not only do I look like the bad guy again, I look like a complete idiot and my husband has worried about her feelings over mine. I feel completely let down.

YANBU

Ooh, I'm lost for words really! You're not the idiot op!

I wouldn't be happy with this at all

I will need to have a chat with him today, I’ve barely slept ☹️

You said before you generally have a good relationship with your MIL, I did wonder if this was actually the case.

If it were me, I'd let this go with your husband, but cut down the contact with MIL. No way would I be putting up with her crying on the phone, too much drama. And you had every right to tell her what you personally weren't comfortable with.

If someone took all three of my kids for the day it wouldn't even cross my mind to care about this! I'd be too busy jumping for absolute joy!
Sorry that's unhelpful but from someone who has no help at all like that I would probably try to let the little things slide. Her other option was to take all three in with here which is no easy task sometimes!

Ohh sorry seen your update. I probably wouldn't have mentioned it, or got my husband to say it was his opinion not yours so you're not the bad guy. While MIL might be emotionally manipulative, your main problem is your husband.

@Fairfeather you are right, I should have said generally good as long as I am pussyfooting around her so I don’t cause upset 🤦‍♀️

I’m thinking of saying to her if I can’t talk to her about issues with the children I’m not sure how she can take them out? We need to be able to communicate?!
Again she will go off on one but surely I can have a voice here??

There's no way I'd be happy about the kids being left and out of sight for more than a few moments, so I'm with you there OP.

However, you said on an earlier post that you'd get DH to talk to her about it - is there a reason you didn't wait and said it yourself ? Given your previous experience with this I would say you're much better leaving these difficult conversations to your husband in future.

Sit down with your husband and calmly explain why you feel let down by the way he approached it. He's in a tough position but needs to show solidarity with you, it's the best way to get her to understand and respect your decisions.

This is not OK i would have kicked off about it very irresponsible to put 8 & 6 in charge of 3yr old what if she was delayed fgs for the sake of 10 mins take them in or so your shopping before!