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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn’t ok?

93 replies

Babyfairy0923 · 30/07/2021 06:51

My MIL took my 3 children out for the day & my daughter has just told me that she left them in the car while she went in the shop for a few groceries.
Apparently she told them not to talk to anyone.
They would have been out of sight.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Persephonesgrove · 30/07/2021 07:21

The older 2, would be fine for me. The younger one, I wouldn't be totally happy with that.

However, I wouldn't kick off about it. I would just have a word with mil and say you aren't comfortable with the orders ones being responsible for the younger one.

Original poster
Babyfairy0923 · 30/07/2021 07:22

I think we probably just have different styles of parenting, I’m more cautious & she is more easy going with everything.

There has been a couple of other issues with the children where she hasn’t taken as much care as I would have liked, she once took them out on their scooters without helmets racing down a hill & my 4 year old went flying straight across a road.

It’s nothing to do with being grateful, I am always really appreciative of the help & we generally have a good relationship.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 30/07/2021 07:23

She probably should have took the 3 year old in with her but it sounds lile the 8 year old is sensible enough . She wasn't gone long.

Twokitstwokats · 30/07/2021 07:25

I think it's fine.

StormyTeacups · 30/07/2021 07:27

That would be fine with me. I leave my similar age children.

DoormatBob · 30/07/2021 07:27

I have left DD a couple of times if I just need 1 or 2 items from just after age 2, when she was old enough to understand I was going in the shop and back in a minute. More reluctant now at 3.5 as she does unbuckle herself when we get somewhere but did it last week and she stayed in her seat (buckled).

Rear windows have privacy glass so no one can see she is in there.

GreenTortoise · 30/07/2021 07:28

YANBU. Children shouldn't be left in the car. Especially a 3 year old. You can't expect an 8 year old to occupy/watch an 8 year old.
You don't put that responsibility on them at that age.

princesslarmadrama · 30/07/2021 07:29

For 5 minutes I'm sure it was fine. I've left my 3 in the car when nipping into the shop and they were similar ages.

Pottedpalm · 30/07/2021 07:31

I think an eight year old is capable of ensuring that a three year ild doesn’t come to harm for ten minutes, even if the three year old can undo harness.
I started school at four and walked ( about a mile and a half) with my sister who was six. Different times, but she was considered responsible enough to look after me, and I had to do what she said.

MistyFrequencies · 30/07/2021 07:34

Even adults, with the best of intentions and knowledge, aren't always capable of ensuring a 3 year old doesn't come to harm for 10 minutes....3 year olds have accidents that are nobody's fault but I would not want my 8 or 6 year old to feel responsible for that if they were there when it happened, without an adult.

grey12 · 30/07/2021 10:03

@Pottedpalm

I think an eight year old is capable of ensuring that a three year ild doesn’t come to harm for ten minutes, even if the three year old can undo harness. I started school at four and walked ( about a mile and a half) with my sister who was six. Different times, but she was considered responsible enough to look after me, and I had to do what she said.
My 4yo is an entirely different child than my 3yo!

Between you those ages they grow from toddlerhood to childhood and become more aware and more independent. I would leave my 4yo with an older child (if I had older children) but not my 3yo (that monster child needs supervision)

CanofCant · 30/07/2021 10:40

YANBU. I wouldn't like it and I don't think it was her risk to take.

Datingandnoideahowto · 30/07/2021 10:43

I wouldn’t have had an issue with that. But if you’re not comfortable with it just say to MIL.

Original poster
Babyfairy0923 · 30/07/2021 17:14

@CanofCant

YANBU. I wouldn't like it and I don't think it was her risk to take.
That’s exactly what my friend said. Do you really risk it with children who aren’t your own?
OP posts:
IonaLeg · 30/07/2021 17:34

I totally understand why this isn’t something you’re happy about, but I also see why your MIL didn’t think it was a big deal. As you say, different styles (rather than an obvious no no).

Hopefully she’s approachable enough that you can just ask her not to do it again without it causing a drama.

13579db · 30/07/2021 17:38

Yanbu

Split second decision by your MIL to give her a break from the kids but what can happen to kids in a car is a minefield

Apart from all the obvious scare stories in the media about kid snatching etc but still it doesn't sit well with me as a mum of 3

Used to hate it when my parents did this to us as kids, never knew if they would come back/ never knew if the youngest would get upset and I'd have to feel responsible for everything that happened in the car

Your instincts are obviously calling on you so I'd just mention that you're not comfortable with them being left in the car again

Sod if it she is offended. They're you're kids fgs

GameSetMatch · 30/07/2021 17:52

Depends if it was a corner shop or a full sized supermarket. I couldn’t get upset about it but suppose it was a little dangerous.

modgepodge · 30/07/2021 17:56

My mum always did this and from when we were younger (me 3/4, sibling would have been under 2, or perhaps even before this I don’t remember). I wouldn’t do it with my own child I don’t think.

When I was about 10, my parents left us in a shop and didn’t leave the handbrake on. The car rolled down the hill in to the road with us in it and the back doors had childlocks on so we couldn’t get out!! We clambered over the front seats to escape and a random passer by ran over and jumped in and put his foot on the brake. Very scary, could have been much worse I think. Parents had a rethink after that!

Original poster
Babyfairy0923 · 30/07/2021 21:16

@IonaLeg

I totally understand why this isn’t something you’re happy about, but I also see why your MIL didn’t think it was a big deal. As you say, different styles (rather than an obvious no no).

Hopefully she’s approachable enough that you can just ask her not to do it again without it causing a drama.

Unfortunately that’s a problem, she’s very easily offended. I think I will get my husband to gently explain why we weren’t happy with it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Babyfairy0923 · 30/07/2021 21:16

@modgepodge

My mum always did this and from when we were younger (me 3/4, sibling would have been under 2, or perhaps even before this I don’t remember). I wouldn’t do it with my own child I don’t think.

When I was about 10, my parents left us in a shop and didn’t leave the handbrake on. The car rolled down the hill in to the road with us in it and the back doors had childlocks on so we couldn’t get out!! We clambered over the front seats to escape and a random passer by ran over and jumped in and put his foot on the brake. Very scary, could have been much worse I think. Parents had a rethink after that!

Wow 😯
OP posts:
Bigtoejoe · 30/07/2021 21:26

Just with regards to time, I've taught 7-9 year olds for the past 8 years or so and can confidently say the vast majority cannot estimate time in any way accurately at all. I sometimes play a game with them when they guess when a minute has passed and the responses are quite astounding. I'd imagine the length of time she was gone was an awful lot less than their estimation.

DrManhattan · 30/07/2021 21:29

No I wouldn't leave them

KenAdams · 30/07/2021 21:33

This was normal in the 1990s, so maybe it's how your MIL remembers parenting her own kids but things are a bit different now.

Original poster
Babyfairy0923 · 31/07/2021 09:44

As suspected we’ve had her crying on the phone again as I gently let her know I wasn’t comfortable with it.

I’m the bad guy as I was the one who said it.

We have many other conversations about the children as my husband is constantly working and as their mother surely I am entitled to tell her how I feel? She said it should have come from my husband.

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 31/07/2021 13:28

I just wouldn’t let her take the dc on her own again. The difference in parenting styles is too great. I don’t think yabu by the way.