to ask what is so special about blond hair

[pocpocpoc]

My husband is white and English, I am not white and foreign. I have dark hair and my genetics pretty much guarantee that my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren are almost 100% likely to have dark hair too.

DH's brother is married to a white English woman and their daughter is the same age as DD. She is taller than DD and has blond hair. Both are nice young ladies, reasonably attractive, but in different ways.

Something that bothered me for a long time, but I could only put a finger on recently, is how MIL (and others in the family) talk about DD's cousin's blond hair and height, almost as a counter-point to anything DD does that is of mention. For instance: "Well done for getting 12 A* GCSEs (saving a child from fire, winning Olympics, getting a Nobel prize), so proud of you being so academic/brave/athletic/hard-working and also of your cousin, who is a tall blond". I find it strange that DD is typically praised for something she has done and worked hard for, while her cousin is praised only for her looks.

Where it is getting ridiculous is that I noticed DH's sister doing the same thing, this time with our boys. Not long ago she said to me "aren't you lucky that your son has such a good friend to play with, with his beautiful head of blond hair" - the sentence really didn't make sense to me. Thinking back I realised that the blond hair has been brought up every time we met in the last couple of years.

In my culture we don't attribute any special value to blond hair. It is very rare, usually means that the blond person is of another ethnicity. Some people get their hair bleached, but it does not confer any superiority or praise. So help me to understand: what is so special about blond hair? AIBU to be bothered? AIBU to detect a hint of racism?

@purplebatbear

Yes! It's a strange thing. I am dark haired and was always highly academic whereas my cousin is blonde and not at all academic.

I did really well at school, got a good career and have never messed up. Got married and have just worked hard. I'm apparently a really nice, kind person and I'm not money-orientated at all. My cousin had a disaster at school, has failed at every career path she's attempted (bless her) and has had relationship disasters of the highest levels you could imagine. She comes across as a huge bitch (she's not really) and is very money-orientated..

But - all of our lives certain older members of our family would always put her on a pedestal as she was blonde. We found it really strange and a bit creepy and couldn't understand it at all. I was constantly put down and even got encouraged to dye my hair. WTAF?!

I really think you are looking at this the wrong way. Surely your family put your cousin on a pedestal for being blond because they can’t talk about her academics, career or relationships. 💁🏼‍♀️

As a natural blonde I don't see what the fuss is about, I'd have much preferred to be dark haired and not look like a blonde albino with white skin that goes red in the sun.

I of my 3 siblings I was the only blonde but weirdly all our children have been blonde not a dark haired one among all four of them

@SalsaLove

I find white blonde children a bit creepy and I don’t know why.

What a bizarre comment…..

I’m thinking your post is bizarre - I’ve never heard anyone reference blonde hair in that context. And most of my friends when we were dating would always go for the tall dark and handsome types. The poor blond lads never seemed to get the same attention, regardless of how good looking they were.

I have dark brown hair. I was always aware of the blonde girls at school being considered more attractive by adults because of their hair. I desperately wanted to be blonde.

Now DS’ blonde hair is going darker, other parents have commiserated with me over it!

I don’t think it’s got a thing to do with race, just a preference for blonde?

@SalsaLove Children of the Corn is why you find white blonde children creepy

I don’t think it’s got a thing to do with race, just a preference for blonde?

Well a preference doesn't just come from nowhere does it? Why is it seen as better?

@Livelovebehappy

I’m thinking your post is bizarre - I’ve never heard anyone reference blonde hair in that context. And most of my friends when we were dating would always go for the tall dark and handsome types. The poor blond lads never seemed to get the same attention, regardless of how good looking they were.

DS is going to dark and handsome, he could be tall.

This does not stop SIL going on and on about DN's blonde hair. Telling me DS is lucky to have a blonde cousin! Honestly, I see it as a code for "he is white"

When I was in labour the Irish midwife tried to envisage me by saying “Oh I can see the head, what a lovely head of blond hair he has!”

My son does did indeed grow golden hair by about 4 months old and at 4 is still bright natural blond, but when he came out it was just blood and gunk- caked brown fluff. I have no idea how she could tell, but she clearly thought I’d be more motivated to push out a blond baby .
Mine was blonde as a child, I haven’t confessed yet to DS that I pay someone to keep it that way.

Encourage not envisage

@Comedycook

I don’t think it’s got a thing to do with race, just a preference for blonde?

Well a preference doesn't just come from nowhere does it? Why is it seen as better?

Agree. Only one race is able to have blonde hair.

Imagine how confusing it is for DCs to see such blatant obsession with one feature that almost no one on my side of the family possesses. Should they regard my side of the family as inferior?

I wonder if this is to do with black and white movies where the blond woman were always good and the dark woman evil? Just a contrast in the black and white film reel enabling people to follow more easily?

@HaveringWavering

When I was in labour the Irish midwife tried to envisage me by saying “Oh I can see the head, what a lovely head of blond hair he has!”

My son does did indeed grow golden hair by about 4 months old and at 4 is still bright natural blond, but when he came out it was just blood and gunk- caked brown fluff. I have no idea how she could tell, but she clearly thought I’d be more motivated to push out a blond baby .
Mine was blonde as a child, I haven’t confessed yet to DS that I pay someone to keep it that way.

To be fair, he may have used it as a poetic description. He could have said 'lovely head of jet black hair'.

The Midwich Cuckoos were very creepy.
Tbh op your family sound a bit mad. We have favoured cousins in my DH's family. It's sad really. They aren't blond! Just children of the favoured daughter.
Tall, dark and handsome is a well known collocation.

I don't know maybe it's a cultural thing. I love blue and green eyes and whilst I am not blonde and neither is anyone in my family I do admire a beautiful head of blonde hair. Sadly with my complexion and eyebrows I would look ridiculous but I do think blonde hair is beautiful

OP, it must also be confusing for your DN if his mum and gran are constantly equating his personality with the colour of his hair. How frustrating for you and all of the DC.

I dunno, DC's are at diverse school, with one blonde child and I don't think she gets any special treatment that I see. In a class of mixed ethnicities, there are so many beautiful combinations of skin, hair colour, hair texture etc it would just be a bit weird to single out one type of child. There is only one girl I can think of (the younger sibling of my dd's friend) who is absolutely mind bogglingly beautiful and everyone comments on and she's half Indian/ half Slovakian. I've never commented to her mum as I feel it's inappropriate and it must get tiring after a while. They're just genes after all!
I went to school in an all white area, my best friend was white blonde, blue eyed and I'm half Argentinian with olive skin, dark eyes and dark black hair. I can't say one of us was 'fetishised' more than the other. Probably because we were tomboys and ran around covered in mud and playing 'worm ambulance.'
I will just say that in a lot of countries blonde hair is linked to wealth, e.g. Shakira went blonde after years of being unsuccessful as a grungy brunette 'rock' singer. Unsure how much was linked to the hair colour. Also Eva Peron, famous unnatural blonde, viewed as successful by some.

White blonde hair (skandi style) looks amazing. You can see both children and adults with this hair colour in Sweden and it's really striking!

@GhostCurry You can’t have a majority of one thing, love. If you’re going to ‘correct’ my perfectly accurate statement, do get your grammar right.

We lived in a Latin American country for a while.
DC had blond hair and older ladies used to touch it in the street for luck.
We got used to it but it was odd at first.

My son is blond and is upset about it. 🤷 I do think it can be seen as negative for boys. Which is just as mad as being a plus point for a girl.

(I had read years ago that it could have come to be favoured in women as it's a trait associated with youth: it's true that for many if not most fair babies and children the hair darkens with age. It's quite normal for blond babies to become brown haired as adults if not as older children.)

This has reminded me of growing up, I have 3 sisters, 2 of us were properly blonde all year long. 2 of us went blonde in the summer. Oh my god the fuss people made when we went on holiday (mostly to other majority white countries). The red carpet was definitely rolled out. Especially when we went to America. Didn’t happen for the rest of the year, or when we got older and less blonde.

I think it’s highly likely that there is implicit bias towards the whitest version of white people.

My dd with blond hair cried this week when she was having her hair cut as she wants dark hair like her sister. Her sister wants blue hair!

You could look at this a different way. Blondes are often thought to be stupid and have to endure blonde ‘jokes’ (which wouldn’t be acceptable if they were made about skin colour). Your MIL is reinforcing that by only praising your daughter for effort and achievement. It’s nothing to be jealous of. It’s not racism either because the Caucasian race is predominantly brunette. Other races have attributes within their race that are thought to be attractive too e.g. body proportions. It’s all pretty superficial, hopefully women can move past the preoccupation with what they look like at some point! Hair dye is freely available, all races can have blonde hair or any other colour should they wish to.

@Hadenoughofthisbullshit

This has reminded me of growing up, I have 3 sisters, 2 of us were properly blonde all year long. 2 of us went blonde in the summer. Oh my god the fuss people made when we went on holiday (mostly to other majority white countries). The red carpet was definitely rolled out. Especially when we went to America. Didn’t happen for the rest of the year, or when we got older and less blonde.

I think it’s highly likely that there is implicit bias towards the whitest version of white people.

What about ginger? They face a huge amount of prejudice for their extremely white skin and freckles. Very white skin is not seen as good, the bias is towards having a tan. And that’s another thing that people comment on in an affirmative way