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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - Mornings with toddler and newborn

99 replies

GirlsGirlsEverywhere · 29/07/2021 09:12

I have an almost 4 yr old DD and 2nd DD is due next month by c-section.
I walk DD to nursery, takes about 50 mins round trip. DD in a buggy usually as she’s so tired after, plus on the way there we don’t have time for dawdling if she’s on foot.

We have a car but DH takes it to work. He Can cycle but prefers to drive, and refuses to cycle in bad weather. He leaves early so not much help with morning routine for DD.

What I’m struggling to imagine is getting a newborn and toddler ready to leave the house by 8am, then doing a 50 min round trip walk to get DD4 to nursery. I can’t imagine doing that walk in whatever winter weather comes up, rain, snow, extreme cold. I will get a buggy board for the pram but it sounds hard work, and this would start two weeks after c section when DH goes back to work.

AIBU?
Yes - you’re lazy and this is what everyone does
No - time to think about a second car or second husband 😉

OP posts:

3womeninaboat · 29/07/2021 12:28

If you can afford a second car, why not instead get taxis to work for your DH for a couple of weeks or pay someone to take your child to nursery for the same time. In a few weeks you’ll be able to drop your DH at work if you need the car for the day. A second car is an ongoing expense for a short term situation.

Minesril · 29/07/2021 12:49

Urgh I hate fair weather cyclists. I bet he wears lycra and goes speeding past too close all the cyclists who do the commute day in day out.

I went for a very slow, very short walk just over a week after my csec with my husband pushing the pram. I am a fit, strong person who was working out the day before my section and had an excellent recovery. No way could I have done 50 mins pushing a 4 year old!!

beautifullymad · 29/07/2021 13:26

@Katiebee008

YANBU, your husband needs to let you have the car for at least the first couple of months whilst you get used to it.

This with bells on.

Auntycorruption · 29/07/2021 14:41

For the first month or so while you can't drive, DH should do nursery drop off and pick up. You shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than the baby for a couple of weeks - wrestling with a 3 year old who doesn't want to walk and who's been kicked out of the buggy by her sibling is an unnecessary hassle which should be avoided at all costs.

Once you can drive, don't you want access to a car for mat leave anyway? Why have the car sat at DH office all day when you could be using it for baby groups, shopping etc? So he should cycle or you get a second car.

Sexnotgender · 29/07/2021 14:48

Either your husband takes the older child to nursery or he leaves you the car and cycles to work. Those are his 2 options and he can pick either.

I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old. I didn’t have a section but those early days however you gave birth when you also have a toddler are really really hard.

I’m lucky that my husband’s job doesn’t have a commute so he’s still doing all nursery drop offs and pick ups.

Phineyj · 29/07/2021 14:57

The person with the car drops off, obviously 🙄.

If it's DH, he can make up any time missed on the 5th non nursery day, or work through lunch/in the evening, like the rest of us do.

And don't pack the nursery bag!

Honestly, these ridiculous men.

Carboholic · 29/07/2021 15:25

A four year old might be in school next September, not nursery? And perhaps might learn how to use a bike / scooter, not go in a buggy at that age!! Any public transport you could use at least one way? The husband should be participating, not leaving you alone with a 4yo and a newborn 2 weeks after a section

kirinm · 29/07/2021 15:30

I don't think a 50 minute round trip is that big of a deal generally. My DD would only nap if bring walked so I often walked for hours a day. However, I also did overdo it initially and my section scar became infected which really really pushed back my recovery.

So I'd be looking for some sort of support for the first 4-5 weeks. Some people seem to recover from a section in 2 weeks, others take a lot longer.

Long term though, walking is fine!

MuslinsRLife · 29/07/2021 15:37

Walking sounds fine & ‘normal’ to me. Agree re scooter, my nearly 4 year old is pretty fast on his now. I walk & take my 4&6 year old to school instead of driving as it’s actually easier - the baby sleeps in the pram. It’s about 25-30 mins there so the same 50-60 minute round trip. It’s really not an issue as I like to be out waking, my kids walk in all sorts of weathers
Your husband should use the bike occasionally though as it’s not his car, it’s both of yours I assume!

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 29/07/2021 15:41

It also depends on your recovery. I was ok after mine and was walking that distance quite quickly, BUT in hindsight I pushed myself far too much, too quickly! I wouldn’t want to be doing that walk with a buggy two weeks post c section!! Can you organise some help for the first bit, as you won’t be able to drive?

Post 6 weeks YWNBU to tell your husband on days where it is really awful weather that you will be having the car!

LassoOfTruth · 29/07/2021 15:49

Just to say please do take the c-section recovery time seriously. I was an idiot and thought I knew everything, it was my 2nd c-section, it’s fine! I was merrily taking painkillers and lifting my 3 year old and pushing the double buggy around until my wound reopened and it took 3 courses of antibiotics before it started to heal. Not nice. Your DH needs to step up here! Congratulations and good luck :-)

SayMumOneMoreTime · 29/07/2021 15:56

I have had two sections: 1 emergency and 1 planned. The planned was a far easier recovery, I was back running at 12 weeks (that was my goal). However, my scar opened up after a couple of runs and ended up not healing fully until 8 months.

So my advice is be cautious! Expect to not be able to do normal things for a good while. Your dh needs to step up - you both need to research c-section recovery and plan support accordingly. It is major surgery. Don't let anyone minimise it because it's your health and recovery at risk. Good luck xx

FilthyforFirth · 29/07/2021 15:57

I've had 2 sections, last one in November. DH needs to tag at least 1, if not 2, weeks A/L at the end of paternity. Bending down to pick either child up is going to be bloody hard at 2 weeks pp.

I healed really well and I think quite fast from both,driving at 4 weeks and running at 7 but that is because for 3 weeks I basically did fuck all apart from feed my kids. You gotta play the long game. Lots of rest and meds will mean you are up and running for good in the long term.

I have never teared my scar but SIL did and she said it was excriciating. All because her 'D'H was a shit and didnt help..

Twokitstwokats · 29/07/2021 16:04

So much of this is weird to me. Firstly rhe 'toddler' in the title will be 4. That's not a toddler.
Then the idea you have to do a long round trip twice a day to get her to nursery when you are on mat leave. Just have her at home.
If she must go, it doesn't need to be every day. You take the car and dh cycles. Easy and obvious solution.
But why would it be harder than what you are doing now anyway? Babies sleep in prams or in slings.
So many solutions.

Dogscanteatonions · 29/07/2021 16:17

What seems to be a recurring theme on this thread is the amount of women who pushed the recovery after their c-sections too quickly and did too much. It would be interesting to see how many of these women did too much because of useless other halves

EssentialHummus · 29/07/2021 16:20

Then the idea you have to do a long round trip twice a day to get her to nursery when you are on mat leave. Just have her at home.

Presumably she is then home on her own with a four year old and a newborn? I’m going to be in this situation soon - hell yes the 4yo will be going to nursery! There’s only so many tv / craft days they can do before they need fresh air, a run around and perhaps the company of other kids.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 29/07/2021 16:22

Even imagining you weren’t pregnant and about to have a C section recovery with a newborn along for the ride - your husband refuses to cycle his precious little self in bad weather and drives himself in the car nice and warm and dry, leaving his wife and child to walk nearly an hour in said bad weather

That’s quite an attractive combination of mean and pathetic...not. I’m assuming he has some redeeming qualities that led you to get pregnant by him again

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 29/07/2021 16:24

@Twokitstwokats

So much of this is weird to me. Firstly rhe 'toddler' in the title will be 4. That's not a toddler. Then the idea you have to do a long round trip twice a day to get her to nursery when you are on mat leave. Just have her at home. If she must go, it doesn't need to be every day. You take the car and dh cycles. Easy and obvious solution. But why would it be harder than what you are doing now anyway? Babies sleep in prams or in slings. So many solutions.

You seem to be missing the part where she’s not currently suffering from major sleep deprivation and caring for a newborn while also recovering from major surgery...?

And it’s not fair for the four year old to miss out on nursery (which she really needs by this age) because her feckless father can’t get his arse on a bike in the rain, or adjust his schedule temporarily to take her while his wife recovers.

She needs her usual routine while adjusting to a new sibling and the OP doesn’t need to be entertaining a bored and unstimulated four year old as well as caring for a newborn. Yes it can be done if it has to be but we’re not talking about a single mum here, she has a partner who needs to step up!

SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2021 16:42

@Dogscanteatonions

I can genuinely say i did but he isn't. I was just determined that we could cope on our own and wouldn't accept help which meant with a 4 yo with additional needs and twins i forced myself to do stuff to prove i could, inc Xmas lunch on day 12

TheGoogleMum · 29/07/2021 16:55

Could DH do the nursery run instead?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 29/07/2021 17:07

Dogscanteatonions I'm sure that's often the reason - it wasn't in my case, it was mostly my absolute determination to keep everything the same for the older two (3 and 5 at the time) so they wouldn't resent the baby. It had worked like a charm for dc1 when I had dc2 - stuck him in a wrap carrier from day 10 and carried on with DD's routine as I had while pregnant. The difference was dc1 had been barely 2 when dc2 was born and not at nursery, and was happy to potter in our village playground and fobto toddlers group once per week. I found that easy, but rushing about with preschool runs at 8am and noon (inevitably when non sleeping dc3 decided to finally sleep just before) and generally keeping up with the pace and more active routine of a 3 and 5 year old both used to lots of walks, mornings at preschool (5 is still preschool where I live), sports in the afternoon etc wad much harder.

I do also really hate accepting help, and whilst a dad isn't"helping" with his own DC I struggled to let go of the idea that not doing absolutely everything I'd always done would be weak and asking for help with "my job" as I was mostly a sahm at that time.

I completely failed to factor in that a caesarean is a major operation and after similar abdominal surgery not involving birth the patient would be signed off work for 6 weeks.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 29/07/2021 17:30

Don't get a double buggy for a 4 year old! They will barely fit in it and whereas they'd be sat in a car if you drove, that would only be ten minutes whereas walking its 50 mins, it's better for them to be more active at that age. Get a balance bike or scooter if they really can't manage the walk.

Erwhatno · 29/07/2021 20:31

No doctor will recommend you doing that amount of walking so soon after surgery. Gentle exercise yes. Wrangling two children for that distance so soon after - no.

Somuchgoo · 29/07/2021 20:35

I did a lot in the first couple of weeks after my section, but I wouldn't say I overdid it, as it caused no pain, no complications and my scar recovered fine.

I did a lot because I genuinely felt great. I was very prepared to take it easy, but I felt normal, so wanted to do normal things.

From about a week, for a few weeks I had a very slight bruised sensation inside (only evident after about 3 weeks if I poked it hard deliberately) but was otherwise totally symptom free.

Doesn't stop there he husband being a lazy idiot here though

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