AIBU - Mornings with toddler and newborn

[GirlsGirlsEverywhere]

I have an almost 4 yr old DD and 2nd DD is due next month by c-section.
I walk DD to nursery, takes about 50 mins round trip. DD in a buggy usually as she’s so tired after, plus on the way there we don’t have time for dawdling if she’s on foot.

We have a car but DH takes it to work. He Can cycle but prefers to drive, and refuses to cycle in bad weather. He leaves early so not much help with morning routine for DD.

What I’m struggling to imagine is getting a newborn and toddler ready to leave the house by 8am, then doing a 50 min round trip walk to get DD4 to nursery. I can’t imagine doing that walk in whatever winter weather comes up, rain, snow, extreme cold. I will get a buggy board for the pram but it sounds hard work, and this would start two weeks after c section when DH goes back to work.

AIBU?
Yes - you’re lazy and this is what everyone does
No - time to think about a second car or second husband 😉

How early does DH start work? Can he do nursery drop off if you make start time earlier?

I had 2.5 year dd walking to nursery and back home in a pram and baby in a front pack but we were about a 15 minute walk each way up and down a hill and I didn't have a c section.

@Garman that was not my experience after my two sections.

I would say be extra careful for the first 6 weeks and get support. I’d ask DH to work from home and do the nursery run, or try and ask friends /family for help at home and with the nursery run or book a mother’s help for the first month to look after you, baby and the house or ask DH to work half/days or take some unpaid leave. I’m not even talking about him giving you the car for the day. I mean help for you so that you can rest and recover and that includes someone to hold the baby while you rest. In many many many cultures there is a lot of support for mums in the first few weeks, and you will recover better and quicker if you don’t put strain on your body early on. You can force yourself to do it, of course people do, but I feel strongly that those initial few weeks are key for your longer term health and well-being.

Everyone is different after a section - both times I was driving within 3 weeks (after speaking to my doctor) however, doing too much will certainly affect your healing and I would say a 50 min round trip twice a day would be too much. So either your husband does the nursery drop offs and you then pick up or you have the car for a couple of months.

The obvious solution is your DH doing drop offs - don't particularly see why that should just be temporary either, mine did drop offs for my entire maternity leave (and then we switched back to alternating pick ups and drop offs)

Your dh should care about someone other than himself

Agree with everyone else, you just can't do it after a c section, end of. Women are amazing but they're not machines and its major surgery. Dh needs to do drop offs for a good while and then once you're fully healed then you can use a sling or buggy board.

You need to make alternative arrangements for getting DD to nursery or consider keeping her home. You won't be able to drive so whether or not DH lets you have the car is irrelevant for the first few weeks.
You also need to work on DD's walking stamina. A nearly 4 year old shouldn't be in a pushchair unless there are other issues (SN or physical). As a guide - school transport is only provided for primary age children for distances greater than 2 miles as it's assumed that a 4 year old can walk that far each way to school.
Once you're back in the full routine, you don't need to worry too much about having the baby up for the day before you set off. A clean nappy and a feed will suffice until you're back from the nursery run when you can wash / dress them properly.
Can DD dress herself etc? If not, work on independent skills. Keep nursery clothing for her simple. We had a core pile of leggings and long sleeve tops for nursery with velcro trainers so the DC could get themselves dressed while I sorted younger siblings.

"Would your DH push a buggy for 50 mins after having his appendix out?"
Quite. And a baby is bigger than an appendix!

I know it's not the best time to consider it given the disruption already coming to DD's life, but I'd perhaps think about another nearer nursery later on if possible. Though I imagine you haven't chosen one 50 minutes away for fun.

From someone who did it too early after C Sec, you really shouldn't be pushing that weight around that early. DH needa to step up.

You can't drive for 6 weeks after a c sec!!!

Is there no walking bus for your DD or a mother mum who can take her?

Your DH should if he can book another fortnight off in the holiday and attach this to his paternity leave and take DD.

I have DC the same age and a similar length walk to preschool. I didn't have a c section but for the first 4 weeks DH did the school run as he was on paternity leave then I have been doing it with DD1 walking there and going home on the buggy board (I don't drive).

One you recovered from section try a bike and trailer so much quicker and kids stay dry.

Can you have the car at least until you recover, find your feet?

If you can afford a second car, definitely get one.

Dont forget that you wont be able to drive for 6 weeks following a C section .Maybe he can do drop off or LO will have to miss Nursery for a while.How will you get her home also .Maybe look for a closer Nursery? I think you will need the car at least 2 or 3 days a week in the winter months . Can he work from home at all? Could you drop him in to work?Some older people seem to remember having massive hikes and multiple DC ,which as you say seems to be a false memory!Maybe a small 2nd car if you can afford it

6 weeks isn't standard for driving post c section. I drove at 3 weeks after both of mine. My insurance company said whenever I felt I could do an emergency stop.

Everyone recovers differently
You need to feel well enough to do it!
Some people are allowed to drive earlier but you need to OK it with insurance and sometimes they will ask for the Dr to OK it

Can you not hire someone for a few weeks to take your 4 year old to school?
Or a good friend?

The vast majority of insurers allow you to drive with your feel upto it. I didn't drive web I had my second but friend who did were generally driving from about 2 weeks.

I did a lot of walking though, and wouldn't have found that amount difficult at 2 weeks - I was tandem carrying both children (so toddler in the back, newborn in the front) at 3w and had no pain. My recovery was basically a week to feeling normal/normal activity levels.

Obviously everyone is different. It's equally possible you may be still shuffling round the house at 2w - the variation in recovery is huge.

But it may not be a bad or a long recovery. I've honestly had worse periods.

Regardless though, you need a second car or for your husband to take the bike. He is being ridiculous insisting on the car so three people have to walk.

My c-section went horribly wrong and I ended up with a massive infection. I couldn't walk properly for 5 months. I know that's extreme but expecting to be up and about and pushing a buggy with a 4 year old and baby on board just 2 weeks after a c-section is just as extreme the other way!

You will need to check with your car insurance company for when they are happy with you to start driving. Some are happy with you saying you're ok others are not.

I've got a very high pain threshold but my c-section completely floored me. The pain was awful. Please don't underestimate how long you need to heal.

Your DH needs to step up on this one. And perhaps your MIL could offer to help you rather than encourage you to put your recovery time back!

get a second car.
it's a no-brainer

A second car might be necessary but there are other options! DH could cycle to work or they could get a cargo bike or trailer.

I was back doing the nursery run at 3 weeks post section but it was only 10 minutes away (at 3yo pace) and I'd go straight home and sit on the sofa for a bit to recover! I over did it with the 3yo, pulled a small bit of the wound and ended up having a longer recovery so it's easily done. I think you need to have a chat with DH about the realities and how he needs to share the load.

Well all I can say really is that I have a 5 year old and 6 month old twins - I get up at 530 to feed the twins and we leave the house at 7am for a 50 minute round trip to drop DD at a before school childminder - she goes on a scooter. I'm also back at work full time so then I drop the twins and start work at 9am

We also only have one car but DH takes it 90% of the time

I actually enjoy the walk as it's an excuse to get out and have fresh air although we haven't had really really bad weather yet but yes I've done it in the rain

I also had an emergency c section and was driving within 2 weeks