AIBU - Mornings with toddler and newborn

[GirlsGirlsEverywhere]

I have an almost 4 yr old DD and 2nd DD is due next month by c-section.
I walk DD to nursery, takes about 50 mins round trip. DD in a buggy usually as she’s so tired after, plus on the way there we don’t have time for dawdling if she’s on foot.

We have a car but DH takes it to work. He Can cycle but prefers to drive, and refuses to cycle in bad weather. He leaves early so not much help with morning routine for DD.

What I’m struggling to imagine is getting a newborn and toddler ready to leave the house by 8am, then doing a 50 min round trip walk to get DD4 to nursery. I can’t imagine doing that walk in whatever winter weather comes up, rain, snow, extreme cold. I will get a buggy board for the pram but it sounds hard work, and this would start two weeks after c section when DH goes back to work.

AIBU?
Yes - you’re lazy and this is what everyone does
No - time to think about a second car or second husband 😉

God no..you cant do that op!
Is your husband cruel or just stupid/selfish?!

I understand there must often be times when parents have to go it alone,with absolutely no help but you have a partner there. A partner!

Does he understand the definition of partner? Sharing the load?Caring? A team?

Christ I don't know what it is with men.

''Here is my lovely wife,who's carried my children,birth them,just went through major but jesus I won't be cycling in the rain for anyone,fuck that..she can walk'.

Its disgusting.

Major surgery that should say.

Cam your DH drop dd1 to nursery before work? You will defo need help in those early weeks. Also a double buggy us easier than a buggy board if you actually need to get anywhere x

@Notimeforaname

God no..you cant do that op! Is your husband cruel or just stupid/selfish?!

I understand there must often be times when parents have to go it alone,with absolutely no help but you have a partner there. A partner!

Does he understand the definition of partner? Sharing the load?Caring? A team?

Christ I don't know what it is with men.

''Here is my lovely wife,who's carried my children,birth them,just went through major but jesus I won't be cycling in the rain for anyone,fuck that..she can walk'.

Its disgusting.

Came to rant but @Notimeforaname has been far more eloquent & concise than I would have been.

No walking more than a few min for about 6 weeks after the section.
After that maybe but does she really need to go to nursery full time if you are on Mat leave? When I was on mat leave my older ones went for two days a week. That’s enough surely.

I think if you have to walk then stretchy wrap for newborn if child can't walk. There is a way of tying them that support c section wounds, maybe a sling specialist can show you. There's a great lady called jenny bean near Oxford.

Could your child go on a scooter, then baby in pram? At least one way.
Or is it too late to switch to plan for a vaginal birth? Then its not really an issue as much.

I think realistically your dh needs to take longer off work or at least do morning drop offs until newborn feeds a bit less too- that can really delay mornings.

I agree your husband needs to look at doing the nursery run for the first little while. After that could you try a scooter or bike for your daughter? Mine has just turned 4 and does 15/20 mins each way to kinder on one happily, and can do longer if needed. Can be fun for them as well x

Certainly walking that far will be very uncomfortable and it risks your recovery too. It's a major operation and not fun to get over. So you need the car and your husband needs to cycle, or he negotiates his work hours with his employer to enable him to drop off AND pick up your child from nursery for the four weeks after his parental leave. Re driving, after my emergency C-section my premature newborn was in the Special Care hospital unit and I needed to be able to drive to spend time there with her. After 3 weeks of me relying on parental transport, my GP said, try putting a cushion under the seatbelt that goes over your lap, and if you can do an emergency stop without pain, you're okay to drive. If the GP has said so, your insurance isn't invalidated. But this was 22 years ago so you might want to check.

Your dh needs to do the nursery run initially, or he cycles and gives you the car.

If you can possibly afford it get a second car as there's going to loads of days when the weather is awful and he won't want to cycle and you won't want to walk. Plus you going to want to be able to go out and about as baby gets older.

They really don't have to cost that much - we've had loads of bangers that did the job really well

Like fuck would I be doing this day in day out while he’s all nice and comfy in a car.

Is there an option for DH to do the nursery drip off/pick up for a few weeks? Having had a section myself there is no way I could’ve walked that distance after two weeks, and you’re not supposed to drive for the first 6 weeks either (also check your insurance, mine weren’t bothered but some like to know..)
As mothers we already go against the advice because if we didn’t have children and had major abdominal surgery we would be laid up resting for 4-6 weeks, but when you’ve got children you really can’t do that, even with a supportive partner, so we already push ourselves.
If he really won’t let you have the car (bit selfish in my opinion) and there’s no way of getting a second car, could you maybe drop him at work and then do the nursery run, going forward?

@Carycy

No walking more than a few min for about 6 weeks after the section. After that maybe but does she really need to go to nursery full time if you are on Mat leave? When I was on mat leave my older ones went for two days a week. That’s enough surely.

When did the OP say she'd be going full time? I must have missed that.

DC1 has been going to nursery 3 days a week while I've been on maternity leave. It's good for all of us - he gets his usual routine, activities at nursery, playmates. I get one-to-one time with DC2 and can rest more (no chance of that with both of them). Win win.

@PerfectPrepPrincess That's not true at all. You can drive as soon as you can do an emergency stop.

Plan for the worst (that you won’t be able to walk that far or drive). Much easier to adapt to a better recovery than expected than the other way around.
I recovered well but couldn’t have done an emergency stop or walked that far at two weeks.

Have you thought about a cargo bike? Much, much cheaper than a second car (even an electric one), kinder to the Earth and the kids LOVE them. You can get special brackets that allow you to mount car seats, complete with suspension.

Re: driving after CS - my insurance company didn’t have a set rule, they said I could drive as soon as fit to do so, so it would be worth checking with yours. Having said that, I wasn’t ready for a good few weeks, and I’m a very confident and experienced driver.

Sounds like your husband needs to reduce his hours so he can do the nursery runs each day. Once you’re healed, you can make a decision on long term transport.

If you decide to go for a double buggy, there are some that have higher weight limits - eg Thule Urban Glide double - so you can get longer use out of it.

Use a taxi for a couple of months? Cheaper than buying and running a car - in time, you may feel ready to walk one way and then can build up slowly

Thank you all.
I know DH doesn’t come across well in this and I need to have a proper talk with him. I often find him and his family un-empathetic to illness and such, but also in his defence this is new territory and I know I’ve learned loads from this thread about c section recovery, so this is partly due to his ignorance on the matter.

Second car may be an option, and other suggestions all much appreciated and I’ll think about them.
DD’s nursery is actually our closest! And she loves it so I wouldn’t want to stop her going, I doubt staying home with me and a newborn would be nearly as fun for her! Yeh she actually goes 4 days, nursery had limited options so we do 4 shorter days, just how it has worked out.

Also have you considered an electric assist cargo bike?

The e assist makes it much easier so don't worry about not being fit enough. Lots of different types of bikes from big box at the front to kids behind. Some places rent them out so you can have a go. Look at Bakfiets, Christiana bikes, Tern for inspiration

Check with your insurance re driving.

I had a horrendous c section recovery first time, still had an open wound 5 months later. My second wasn't anywhere near so bad but I couldn't push the buggy with board until 6 weeks and even then only on the flat.

4yo needs a scooter. They're only going one way each time so they can cope. Start the prep now and build up to them scooting to and from nursery.

I tried to do everything exactly as while pregnant from two weeks after my third, planned caesarean because I felt fine and wanted to minimise jealousy or distribution for my then 3 year old and 5 year old.

I set myself back and caused incredibly heavy bleeding when I did a walk to the next village with them on bikes (so quite brisk) and the baby in a pram. I realised when we reached the next village that id bled through my fresh maternity pad and was bleeding very heavily, and when I sat on a bench I realised that I was going to struggle to get back up.

I'd been doing well until that point, and I did recover well in the end, but that walk set me back to how I'd felt about five days after the operation and I had to slow down.

With the best will in the world there is no way you can be sure how your recovery will go, and you might well set a good recovery back trying to do too much brisk walking especially pushing a 4 year old!

My eldest was 3 when youngest arrived. I was fine doing the nursery run 2 weeks after my c section but I had a car. There is no way I could have walked that far until a week or two later, after that it would have been fine. I’d have done it with baby in sling then can transfer to pushchair on way back.

Getting out of the house is fine. Baby just needs a nappy change and a feed, don’t bother changing their outfit etc. I used to shower in the evening, have clothes I could just throw on, same for toddler. Banana or pot of dry cereal to lure toddler into getting out of the house. Make sure you plan to leave early enough for inevitable poonami as you try to get out the door.

I would try to come up with a plan for the first few weeks (hire a car/get DH to work reduced hours/use some leave/call in favours from friends) but after that you’ll be ok.

If he's unsympathetic to illness, have you tried telling him that you're unsympathetic to grown men whinging about a bit of rain while they're cycling when they're happy for their wives, preschoolers and newborn babies to endure it walking at a snail's pace to nursery?

Oh and get a double buggy. There's lots of threads about ones suitable for bigger children. Then your bigger one can hop on and off but you're not left with back pain from bending over a buggy board, held to ransom by her flopped on the pavement or trying to carry her while pushing the baby. My 3yo walks miles and miles but I still take the buggy to do nursery pick-up because they're absolutely exhausted after a busy day at nursery.

To be honest, you are spot on with this is what everyone does, well not everyone of course but it's the norm. I took Dd1 to special needs nursery on the bus and did so from 6 weeks after giving birth (fortunately timing helped as Easter holidays kicked in straight after exh went back to work (only 3 days paternity there) then mum came for a bit!) it's hard, but you simply have to allow enough time, dd2 was usually still in her sleep suit and I would feed her on the bus.

It's fine to feel apprehensive but I just reminded myself that prior to cars everyone walked everywhere - but I did have a double buggy as only 2 yrs apart.

Obviously a c-section is more recovery and you need to listen to your body, if you can't cope skip nursery for a week or so. Alternatively is hiring a car for a month an option?

By the way the 6 weeks is a myth, you need to be signed off by your doctor which can be in as little as a few days but if you have complications it might be more than 6 weeks. I've got friends who were driving within 5 days. Your insurance doesn't have a set time, just medically cleared to drive

He is B massively U

He can cycle or take the car to do the nursery run, up to him.

If he refuses? He's clearly a twat.