Keeping up with the Joneses friends

[Lanareyrey]

I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to question some good friends behaviour towards myself and my husband.

Everything seems to be a competition lately. We have a nice house but we have worked incredibly hard and saved to afford it. We don’t have credit cards or debt. We live comfortably but don’t have huge amounts of money leftover at the end of the month and half we try to save. On appearance maybe people can judge and “assume” we have lots of money but this couldn’t be further from the truth.

The husband of the couple in mind, gets incredibly weird whenever we do something to our house or buy something (minor things) and will actually ask us the purchase price and looks visibly agitated?!

They seem to have had a lot of handouts from parents (which we haven’t) and will just spend so much money and then brag about it. It’s constant and unrelenting and whoever they get more money they like to tell us all about it and then encourage us to spend money too? We usually don’t react too much but it’s really starting to get me down.

Does anyone else think this is weird? Do I need new friends?! Bizarre.

I have only read the OP but I would say - get yourself new friends. I have made a conscious decision over the years not to maintain friendships with people like this - they’re so shallow and vacuous.

Life’s much better without these people in it.

You manage to save half of your income every month with a little to spare and you have a nice house and you somehow feel like you're not privileged?

I think people underestimate how hard it can be to avoid answering direct questions. We have someone in the extended family like this: I'm 'married in' and so it becomes: 'oh where did you grow up?' - innocuous question you answer - followed by a massive assumption that I'm incredibly wealthy and will inherit lots of money based on that postcode that is drip fed into things. My parents bought a normal house in an area where prices have increased, but a) we are not fancy (and it is a standard 3-bed in an area with lots of two-story over-basement houses), and b) its their money, not mine, and really hard to know what to do with those comments: if you ignore, you're accepting the narrative that you have loads of family money, if you correct them - oh actually they bought years ago when those houses were worth nothing - then you're involved in the comparison.

They tell us, all the time, about things they spend money on, holidays/purchases, allude to pay increases, etc. Their household income with one salary with SAHM is probably double our two full time workers in professional jobs. The thing is, we honestly don't care and don't engage, but our other friends doing house renovations etc will often ask things like 'how much did you pay for those windows/kitchen/etc?' and so it seems odd to refuse to answer when someone is direct, so when we did a lot of work on our house we got lots of that as well.

I honestly think what is behind it is justifying their own life choices. We never wanted to have one 'big job' that supported the other to stay at home, I appreciate lots of people do, but I always think people just make the choices that suit them best and that's different for everyone. However sometimes people who perceive themselves as having made sacrifices to afford a certain lifestyle get really annoyed at other people who seem to have the same lifestyle, or, even more strangely, seem to resent people who choose to spend their money differently despite having the same means. And it is hard not to mention anything to do with money - what have you been doing? 'oh, we went to X place for dinner' 'are you going anywhere for holidays?' "yes we've booked x", even if you try to deflect - "we might go away for a few days" - "oh have you considered X expensive resort? what's your budget?" I'm pretty good at deflecting but it involves being always aware, and if they were friends not family I would be slowly backing away as life is too short.

[quote Lanareyrey]@Scottishskifun phew glad it’s not just me then! So weird!!![/quote]
Yeah I don't know why he does it usually we just go lovely then say something like crikey have you seen the weather forecast?!

Most of the time he gets the hint and shuts up!

I think you've had a hard time OP, I absolutely know where you're coming from. One of my (previously very close) friends has gone a bit like this, although it's not quite the same as she's more subtle about it and just generally implies she's better than me. We work in the same profession and she got promoted to a grade above me and ever since she's been pretty condescending. To PP who said just don't discuss income, it's not possible when your circle of friends all work in the same job and everyone knows what you earn. To make things worse, it's NHS so everyone's within 5-10k/year, it's not like we're talking major promotions which makes it extra pathetic. But everything she does is bigger and better than me, even when it objectively isn't.

I think PP are being a bit mean saying you're bragging or competing. Specifically the comment about them getting handouts, I honestly try not to compete but it does get you down and make you feel inferior and vulnerable and sometimes you need to tell yourself things to make yourself feel better. For example I have a partner and our household income is loads higher than hers. Yet my friend treats me like the poor relation. If you don't stand up for yourself you'll get walked all over, but if you do that comes across as competing. You can't win. I've distanced myself from her, for sure. Apart from anything, she's boring. Talking about possessions all the time is dull. Tbf covid has made this worse as people tend to be spending all their money on things and not doing anything, so there's not been much to talk about.

To be honest I find the other end of the spectrum, where people refuse to discuss money or purchases at all, equally odd. Quite a few of them on this thread!

I know a few people like this. A colleague was discussing once with me and one other how difficult she was finding it to find a house in a very small/specific area, general conversation about stress and estate agents etc. The other person said their aunt actually lived in the road and was about to put her house on the market, massive coincidence. She said it was the big house at the end and would be going on for about £400k, and 'not sure if that's the price range you're looking in? I could pass on your details?'

The woman recoiled like she'd been slapped and with a wrinkled nose said they hadn't decided on their budget yet thank you very much and stalked off. We were baffled, it was a completely reasonable conversation to have.

I was also rebuffed by a neighbour once too - for saying I was sorry to be cheeky but would they mind me asking how much they'd paid x company to clean their gutters and fascias as I was looking for someone to do mine. They said they'd rather not discuss money and looked very offended I asked. Barmy, it's hardly highly sensitive info.

There are some right arseholes on this thread. There's absolutely nothing to suggest OP wants to know about her friends' finances, and if you've never come across people who thrust that sort of information at others, count yourselves lucky.

OP, you need to have deafness/amnesia every time they ask you about the price of things you've bought, and change the subject every time they start boasting about their own possessions. And you probably need to distance yourselves anyway, they sound very boring.

I ditched a mum 'friend' who could never be happy when anyone else had good news to share but who got incredibly excited and couldn't stop talking about it whenever anything good happened to her or her husband and kids. She literally would not say a word if I mentioned something mildly positive and instantly changed the subject when I told her I enjoyed my new job and had made some nice friends. But she couldn't wait to talk frantically about her dc who had won some silly primary school competition or whatever, or hubby getting a huge promotion (cue hair flick and girly giggle). Final straw was when she told me on the school run that they had paid off their mortgage. The two years leading up to this, she always said she was short of money when we went on days or nights out I always treated her and her kids to lots of nice things, which I did happily. She is a typical user. She looks at you and wonders what use she can put you to next. I cannot make myself look at her now. She is one of the most competitive and self-centred people I've ever met. She is currently dying of envy as one of our mutual friends ds got into a very competitive team, which she had hoped her precious ds would get into. She must have terrible self-esteem issues.

are they Hungarians by any chance?
🤣

I was also rebuffed by a neighbour once too - for saying I was sorry to be cheeky but would they mind me asking how much they'd paid x company to clean their gutters and fascias as I was looking for someone to do mine. They said they'd rather not discuss money and looked very offended I asked. Barmy, it's hardly highly sensitive info

That is odd.

But it's different from constantly talking about your purchases/home renovations etc to friends.

If someone asked me a direct question about what I paid for something because they were thinking about buying one too/having the same service provided (eg cleaning gutters) I'd answer, but I wouldn't for example share on Facebook that I had bought a new(er) car or redecorated the bedroom.

if you've never come across people who thrust that sort of information at others, count yourselves lucky

I've come across people who are obsessed with money and possessions. They're dull as fuck so I don't choose them to be my friends.

I have met people who, when they talk to me, obsessively go on about wealthy people they know, how well off one of their acquaintances is etc.. I escape the conversation and avoid them in future.

Family can't be helped, but if you choose to surround yourself with friends like this, it's not about luck, it's about who you choose to spend time with.

If someone asked me a direct question about what I paid for something because they were thinking about buying one too/having the same service provided (eg cleaning gutters) I'd answer, but I wouldn't for example share on Facebook that I had bought a new(er) car or redecorated the bedroom.

Yes, exactly this.

Asking someone for a reason (e.g. you want a recommendation, or you're planning to do the same work and might use the same firm) is normal. But telling the world about your purchases is not.

@Kalvinette

You manage to save half of your income every month with a little to spare and you have a nice house and you somehow feel like you're not privileged?

Also this - the OP did plenty of her own bragging in her opening post.

Saving half your income every month is (a) not something most people can do, and (b) not even that relevant to her AIBU (which was about how to deal with friends who constantly compare wealth/possessions - it would be annoying regardless of whether she was able to save half her income).

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

if you've never come across people who thrust that sort of information at others, count yourselves lucky

I've come across people who are obsessed with money and possessions. They're dull as fuck so I don't choose them to be my friends.

I have met people who, when they talk to me, obsessively go on about wealthy people they know, how well off one of their acquaintances is etc.. I escape the conversation and avoid them in future.

Family can't be helped, but if you choose to surround yourself with friends like this, it's not about luck, it's about who you choose to spend time with.

Totally agree with this.

Had some major work done to my house a few years ago. People were divided into two camps: those whose response was - oooh, lovely, bet you can’t wait, and those who asked how much it cost (sometimes their first question). I never ever told anyone - nobody’s business. One “friend” has avoided me since - she was obviously jealous, and annoyed that I wouldn’t tell her the cost.

Saw some people’s real colours. It wasn’t pleasant.

I had 'friends' like this. I was a single parent, working 2 jobs and relying in tax credits. The husband worked in IT for £4000pm. I mentioned saving for swimming lessons, they booked them the next day. I mentioned wishing I could take the kids to Florida, they booked a 3 week holiday. I passed my driving test and he went on about how shit and old my car was.
I used to joke if I said I went to tenerife, they'd go to elevenerife 🙄
The wife (who I was more friends with) offered to add me to their phone contract because I didn't have a phone, and I would pay them monthly.

The husband then seemed to think he had some kind of ownership of me. Every time I went round for a coffee, he would wait til she left the room and would appear next to me with his penis in my face asking me to touch it, sometimes literally slid it across my face. Or rub my shoulders with it poking me in the back. I didn't feel like I could tell her as she had severe mental health issues, so I did a house exchange and never spoke to them again. I heard from others they would slag me off and say that I conned them out of a phone and disappeared. Didn't bother putting anyone right.

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand Also this - the OP did plenty of her own bragging in her opening post.

It's one thing being open and honest in an anonymous forum post, it's another rubbing it in your friends' faces. I don't think OP has done anything wrong.

@ashmts

I think you've had a hard time OP, I absolutely know where you're coming from. One of my (previously very close) friends has gone a bit like this, although it's not quite the same as she's more subtle about it and just generally implies she's better than me. We work in the same profession and she got promoted to a grade above me and ever since she's been pretty condescending. To PP who said just don't discuss income, it's not possible when your circle of friends all work in the same job and everyone knows what you earn. To make things worse, it's NHS so everyone's within 5-10k/year, it's not like we're talking major promotions which makes it extra pathetic. But everything she does is bigger and better than me, even when it objectively isn't.

I think PP are being a bit mean saying you're bragging or competing. Specifically the comment about them getting handouts, I honestly try not to compete but it does get you down and make you feel inferior and vulnerable and sometimes you need to tell yourself things to make yourself feel better. For example I have a partner and our household income is loads higher than hers. Yet my friend treats me like the poor relation. If you don't stand up for yourself you'll get walked all over, but if you do that comes across as competing. You can't win. I've distanced myself from her, for sure. Apart from anything, she's boring. Talking about possessions all the time is dull. Tbf covid has made this worse as people tend to be spending all their money on things and not doing anything, so there's not been much to talk about.

Yes, this is the friend I've just let go of (although we don't do the same job).

A good friend would be encouraging you to go for promotion yourself (if that's what you want) not lording it over you. Being condescending to someone because you're more senior at work is a horrible trait and says a lot more about her than it does about you.

The best way to live is to be blissfully unaware of the intimate details of other peoples lives. I have no clue what my friends earn, I could guess a ballpark figure based on their jobs if I were inclined, I guess.

I don't know who has what to pay on their mortgage, except for my sister in law who bemoans having a huge mortgage quite often.

People assume we're very wealthy based on things like holidays, having readily available cash and having nice bags and shoes. But we purposely chose to stay in a smaller house and overpay on the mortgage to pay it off as quickly as possible. Whilst doing that we went without a lot of luxuries because we chose to spend our money differently.

Whenever anybody passes comment on how much something costs I just say I don't remember.