Keeping up with the Joneses friends

[Lanareyrey]

I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to question some good friends behaviour towards myself and my husband.

Everything seems to be a competition lately. We have a nice house but we have worked incredibly hard and saved to afford it. We don’t have credit cards or debt. We live comfortably but don’t have huge amounts of money leftover at the end of the month and half we try to save. On appearance maybe people can judge and “assume” we have lots of money but this couldn’t be further from the truth.

The husband of the couple in mind, gets incredibly weird whenever we do something to our house or buy something (minor things) and will actually ask us the purchase price and looks visibly agitated?!

They seem to have had a lot of handouts from parents (which we haven’t) and will just spend so much money and then brag about it. It’s constant and unrelenting and whoever they get more money they like to tell us all about it and then encourage us to spend money too? We usually don’t react too much but it’s really starting to get me down.

Does anyone else think this is weird? Do I need new friends?! Bizarre.

Maybe they're aware you look down on them.

I don't understand how you both know so much about each other

Just detach and divest from it all - there really isn't any need for any angst.

I'd do what someone else said, start exaggerating to wind him up. Tell him you've got an expensive car on order (preferably a better version of his car) and that you're just waiting for it to be made.

Or if you're going on holiday soon, rather than it being Milton Keynes, it's the Maldives.

And find friends who aren't as sad.

I think you have to be careful with the ‘we worked incredibly hard’ line, OP. Many, many people work incredibly hard and still won’t get to have their own place, let alone a ‘nice house’. So this can come off as a bit self-congratulatory. Although granted, working hard for what you have is indeed worth more praise than people who were simply handed things on a plate (one reason why I never understand the adulation of the royals).

But on-topic, I’d say your friends sound unpleasant and I’d probably let the relationship drift, if I were you. We had to do the same with a good friend of mine when it became clear her new partner was weirdly jealous of my husband for being good-looking and subsequently unpleasant and awkward. As they say, there’s nowt so queer as folk!

@Lanareyrey I disagree

@Lanareyrey

Thanks for the responses, I am definitely not interested in other peoples finances. Bit of a weird thing to say, nor do I think I’m superior to anyone else.

Then why bring the ‘handouts’ from their parents into it?

A friend married someone like this so I started to keep my distance. He was all money, money, money. It didn’t impress me when he used to brag about the cost of things & what he’d bought, I’d just think “tosser”.

They split 2 years ago and it’s lovely having my friend back. She’s very down to Earth, I could never figure out what she saw in him.

When he asks how much something cost, just say, "What a strange question. Why do you want to know?" That might shut him up, but if he continues to ask, look him in the eye and say with a smile, "I'm not going to tell you. Let's talk about something else." and change the subject. (This worked on my nosey friend who was obsessed with how much we sold our old house for / how much the new one cost. He tried to persist in his questioning, but his wife got embarrassed and told him to stop.)

You say that others might think you're well off, but that it couldn't be further from the truth... Well that's not true is it? There are millions of people in this country that are worse off than you. It might be helpful for you to acknowledge that privilege.
I am OK financially at the moment. I don't have handouts either, and I don't spend a lot, and I work hard, but the main reason I'm comfortable is that I'm bloody lucky. Lots of people work far harder than me for far less money. That will also be true of you.

I have friends who live in a massive house, have a huge income, are very privileged in this way- but they have mentioned a few times.how poor they are, and how it's so difficult to live on a low income etc. They'd do this even when I was living in poverty, and it really annoys me. Whenever I spend any money on myself- a car or a laptop for work, say- I can sense their disapproval. It's so patronising and unkind.

sounds weird and not in a good way.

have you asked what drives their behaviour? I'd have to ask why they are so competitive.
you might not get an answer and if you do it could make or break this friendship but nothing will get solved unless you at least attempt to talk about it.

They sound weird but you sound like you feel like you’re better than them for not having handouts, otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it.

People are being arsey to you op, but I know exactly what you mean. I have a couple of friends like this. They sound exactly the same. Telling me often about things they have bought and almost watching my reaction. I couldn’t give less of a shit. Think they are starting to realise this and are doing it less and less. Feel a bit sorry for them in a way I just think they must be massively insecure, and it must be exhausting

@Bryonyshcmyony

You both sound as if you know far too much about each others financial dealings. I wouldn't know if my friends robbed a bank to get their money or inherited it or got handouts or had a credit card!

Yes, this! How much money people have is so much the least interesting thing about them.

I had this with my sister but in a more overt way. If I had my hair coloured a certain way, the next time I saw her she had the same. If I bought a green car, she would go out and get a green car. Same with clothes, entertaining friends, you name it. You could say she admired me and it was flattering. It wasn't. It felt competitive and slightly creepy.

However, the biggest problem was that she didn't work and her husband was on a lot lower income than us and his work record was very precarious. The result of which was CCJs and debt. They eventually moved away so that they could afford the same size house as ours but in a much cheaper area but this eventually got repossessed and she now has a tiny terraced house which is half owned by a debt consolidation company.

I think it's some sort of mental disorder because as much as I tried to encourage her not to get into debt, made no difference. We're now NC and I have to say I am relieved not to have to watch the car crash in action.

I would distance yourself from this couple. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Yes! We have friends like this. They constantly feel the need to discuss money and tell us how much they have spent on their wedding (£26k) honeymoon (£5k) but are visibly agitated at when we bought a new house which is quite a big one for our age group (we made a good amount on the sale of our first place which we bought run into the ground and did up over 4 years because my Partner is in construction and incredibly handy). We also (pre pandemic) went on a lot of holidays a year but we always got deals on flights, went self catering etc as we like to visit new places rather than have total relaxation and luxury iyswim. They were always annoyed "another holiday? How much is it costing? How can you afford that?".

They're looking to move now and keep telling us the price bracket they are looking up to because their parents are funding part of the deposit (again, they funded the deposit on their first place 100%). I dont care. I'm not interested in your house. Money is all they talk about though and I've started to dread seeing them

I find this with people who live beyond their means and overstretch themselves financially. A former friend was like this and in the end I steppes back. We saved hard to afford 2 trips a year to stay in the lakes! It wasn't exactly 5 * but she was insanely jealous because they didn't go anywhere. They couldn't afford to because her day/night & wrinkle creams cost £100 each from Harrods. So £300 every 6 weeks on face creams when she could have spent it on a trip with her kids. Her priorities were misplaced but she blamed me for it.

Some of these responses about the context of 'working hard'!

I have an old friend just like this who goes on and on about how much money they've got and is very competitive about various purchases (from kitchens to garden furniture to handbags!) It's really annoying generally but is particularly galling as she only does it with me (as most of her other friends do not have high incomes so she wouldn't dare) and also her husband is dodging tax so they wouldn't have half the money if it wasn't for that!! I know MN will tell me that's none of my business but it does definitely make it worse as far as I'm concerned.

Other than that my friend is very nice so I just try to avoid anything to do with money and steer away from the subject when it comes up.

We have friends that are weird like that. They rent their house and have always be obviously pissed off vocally that we own. Very much an
" it's alright for some" mentality and it's so boring.

If we buy a car or do work in the house/garden then they're all ooh how much/lucky you/how the other half live. I avoid them more and more because if they spot anything new it's like the Spanish Inquisition!

I do think though, PP are correct, you all know far too much about each other's financial situations!

You do sound pretty well matched to be honest.

Long before I got to the 'handouts from parents' bit of your OP, I just knew it was going to be there.

Even the fact you're asking Mumsnet if you need new friends is bizarre.

OP doesn't read as a humble brag to me in the slightest. She's just said they've worked hard and like to save.

Yes op, get new friends. Also agree that you all know far too much about each other's finances.

I suppose it depends on how much you actually like these people, their obsession with money and things aside.
I was one of a tightly knit group of friends at secondary school, 8 of us all starting out in life from very similar middle class backgrounds, none of us had wealthy parents. Over the years we married, one got divorced, we brought up our families and some of the group became very well off through inheritance from their DH's families. One of us had long term illness and lives in a council flat on benefits and - typically for me- I'm just about comfortable but with many blessings to count. We still meet up from time to time and get on just like before. None of us are jealous of the couple who have millions almost by accident and built a grand designs type house and go away to exotic places a lot, least of all the one friend who is financially at the bottom of the pile. I think this is because we have been friends forever and we just find the differences interesting rather than challenging to each other personally.

[quote Lanareyrey]@EssentialHummus that’s thing we never enter into convos about money ever. It’s always them bringing it up![/quote]
You don't have to get involved in it though, it's not difficult to keep your financial details private.

"Yes, big mortgage, so we're broke but you have to live somewhere hahaha", and ... move on if someone is really pestering you. Easy.

I agree with please - our finances are a bit odd (nothing exciting!) and when I'm asked, which is rare, it's easy enough to deflect.

I sympathise but your post does suggest you might be contributing as how do they know about your minor purchases?
It’s worth being vigilant as to whether you mention purchases as part of your ‘news’. I’ve been surprised when a “Do what have you been up to?” has yielded a lot more detail on the relative merits of Fired Earth tiles than I was expecting. I don’t think that person was boasting in that instant and having your kitchen redone involves major disruption but maybe you mention “Oh and I we got an X…” more than you think.
Or could it be insta type posts of the new Ooni/ smoker/ fire pit/ Kitchen Aid being used for the first time with breathless excitement?
Years ago I used to post a few holiday pics when we went a way (once or twice a year including camping) and continued to when I dropped hours and DH’s income dramatically improved. However I had a sudden moment of realisation that I was probably being an unintentional twat as the number of trips soared and included occasional luxurious or exotic destinations. Nobody said anything prickly but a friend said nicely in an enthusiastic jokey way one day “I’m soooo jealous of all your amazing holidays I see on Facebook” and I winced internally. I don’t post photos of trips now unless it is of a birthday person or is a particularly good one of my youngest daughter who has severe disabilities and smiles often but fleetingly so that catching her at it is hard with a camera and when I do I want all our friends and family to see it!

@DemBonesDemBones

You say they are competitive but you seem so defensive about your money and home. Lots of people work incredibly hard (many harder than you!) and will never have the chance to own their own home. Please don't assume that if you work hard enough anything is possible. It's not true.

Very good point. OP it sounds like you are peed off that - in your mind - you have worked hard for your standard are living, but am miffed that they get it handed to them on a plate. I agree that it's annoying when you are slogging your guts out, but it's not a big issue - just distance yourself from them. They sound very boring to me and I wouldn't want to be friends with people who compete with me.