Keeping up with the Joneses friends

[Lanareyrey]

I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to question some good friends behaviour towards myself and my husband.

Everything seems to be a competition lately. We have a nice house but we have worked incredibly hard and saved to afford it. We don’t have credit cards or debt. We live comfortably but don’t have huge amounts of money leftover at the end of the month and half we try to save. On appearance maybe people can judge and “assume” we have lots of money but this couldn’t be further from the truth.

The husband of the couple in mind, gets incredibly weird whenever we do something to our house or buy something (minor things) and will actually ask us the purchase price and looks visibly agitated?!

They seem to have had a lot of handouts from parents (which we haven’t) and will just spend so much money and then brag about it. It’s constant and unrelenting and whoever they get more money they like to tell us all about it and then encourage us to spend money too? We usually don’t react too much but it’s really starting to get me down.

Does anyone else think this is weird? Do I need new friends?! Bizarre.

I have a friend who lives on endless handouts from her parents - they bought her house, pay for the kids to go to private school, bought the kids a car. Yet as soon as we do something off our own back she has to do it better. I took her camping to a nice area that I like a few years ago - next minute she had persuaded her parents to buy a static caravan there. We got a new car - she got the next best one up.
I think sometimes people who are very spoilt by parents as children almost can't be blamed for it, they don't know any different and they don't seem to be able to accept that they are adults who should be looking after themselves.
This friend is endlessly on social media bragging about her amazing life in the static, the house in Europe they bought for her summer holidays, and how amazing her children are at sport and endlessly about their school achievements. I don't know anyone else who does this!!!
I have turned it into a game now so that it just makes me laugh - it is my version of Facebook Lotto- what will she be bragging about today that she hasn't earned herself!

@Hoopa shes probably bored & lacks direction so doesn't know what else to do but agree it's annoying.

owever I had a sudden moment of realisation that I was probably being an unintentional twat as the number of trips soared and included occasional luxurious or exotic destinations.

Nothing wrong with pics of holiday, I for one like seeing where people are going, could ignore if I wanted to, and photos pop up in your memories in the following year so it's a nice reminder.

I had a friend for over 25 years who suddenly started doing this. It was weird and made me uncomfortable so I stopped telling her a lot of things and just met up in a big group. A couple of years later her marriage of over 25 years broke up because her husband had been having a long-standing affair. I think the financial boasting was her trying to convince herself that her life was happy and she had everything.

I wish i could say there was a happy ending to this but so far it's all bad. It's 10 years since he left (do the maths - we are OLD) and she is increasingly angry and bitter about her husband, her adult DC who choose to still see him and those of us in the friendship group who are now more financially secure than her. She is still included in all our group holidays, meals out, gatherings, zoom calls etc but when she does join in we have to walk on eggshells around her to to avoid triggering an angry tirade.

We live in a big house, albeit quite shabby. I find that some people seem very focused on it and it makes me uncomfortable as I’m not sure what to say? One mum from school, they live in a very nice Victorian semi or terrace, when they came to a party here she kept saying how amazing it was and what was she going to say to her kids when they got home and asked why they live in a ‘box’…. What do you say to that?

I grew up in a big house in a then rough part of London. I remember one friend telling me you can have the small house in Chelsea like she did or the big houses in the rough parts 😆

@SmokeyDevil

I'd do what someone else said, start exaggerating to wind him up. Tell him you've got an expensive car on order (preferably a better version of his car) and that you're just waiting for it to be made.

Or if you're going on holiday soon, rather than it being Milton Keynes, it's the Maldives.

And find friends who aren't as sad.

I did this once with a school mum. Started talking about what I was contemplating spending. I was with another friend, who knew what I was up to, as I’d pre warned her what I was going to do the next time the woman started on. My friend encouraged me and made all the right noises. We giggled afterwards and yes - it did work. The school mum stopped making all the snide comments.

I think you should ''start to question'' them literally on their behaviour and attitude to money and material things. I could not resist. Don't worry if they are offended.

@imamule

They seem like they have issue with you but likewise you seem to have an issue too eg you've worked out, they get hand outs etc.

This. You're judging and comparing against them as much as they seem to be judging and comparing against you.

Either you like spending time with them or not. If you don't, stop seeing them.

I never discuss money or finances. I had a friend who married a very well-to-do man. Then it all changed, she went from someone who never discussed money to someone who was changed by the lifestyle she married into. I was genuinely happy for her as he seemed nice enough and they were happy together. Then the fault finding began. I think the last straw for me was one night we went to a restaurant and before I'd even sat down it was ' the prices have gone up in here, haven't they?'. Another example was she went with another friend (also wealthy) on a very exclusive and expensive holiday, to a country that is known for not being cheap. My friend could well afford this. Well, on her return she moaned and moaned about the cost of this holiday. This is a person who dined in very expensive restaurants and she and her husband had approximately 3 trips abroad per year and I mean very exotic locations. After a few years of constant money talks, my friend distanced herself from me totally. Found herself a completely new social circle ( all wealthy/comfortable). I was extremely hurt and angry for a while, but now , when I look back, Im actually relieved. Money definitely changes people and not for the better. If you want to keep your friends, never discuss finances.

I do find some people I know are a bit obsessed with other people's apparent wealth. Eg if they are talking about someone they know and we don't, the intro preamble is " Our friends the Gettys - they are absolutely loaded, blah blah blah (then launching into the story).

I'm very conscious now if I refer to 3rd parties not to allude to how wealthy they are! But on another level I find this a bit worrying.

What must people who observe wealth in others make of us? Do they secretly think less of us because we're not particularly wealthy?

There are some odd comments on this thread.

When you are friends with people who are obsessed with money it is very hard not to answer questions about it.

From the outside we have a pretty nice life but we are secretly quite frugal and after a massive stroke of luck managed to pay our mortgage off. When I was telling my friend about my work plans, she kept pushing and pushing me for how it would work, how I could afford it, how Mr LauraFlashley would feel about being the main earner, how we would pay our mortgage and on and on and on. In the end, despite telling no one about our financial situation I blurted out that we had paid our mortgage off. Cue stunned silence from the person who was in the process of buying a new house and feeling uncomfortable how big the mortgage was going to be because her new partner wanted the biggest and most expensive house possible.

I don't get this at all. My inlaws are like this with EVERYTHING - actively telling DH and his siblings (all adults!) to update their LinkedIn profiles with new jobs/promotions, so that their friends will see it, having to have fancy champagne at our wedding to impress everyone, needing to paint the whole house before my parents were allowed to visit... it's all so alien to me! I have not worked out whether their friends are also like this, or if it is just them.

@Notradespeopleareavailable

I do find some people I know are a bit obsessed with other people's apparent wealth. Eg if they are talking about someone they know and we don't, the intro preamble is " Our friends the Gettys - they are absolutely loaded, blah blah blah (then launching into the story).

I'm very conscious now if I refer to 3rd parties not to allude to how wealthy they are! But on another level I find this a bit worrying.

What must people who observe wealth in others make of us? Do they secretly think less of us because we're not particularly wealthy?

I had a boss who asked me if I judged people by the car they drove. He said he did which is quite funny as I drive the smallest car possible!

@Bryonyshcmyony

You both sound as if you know far too much about each others financial dealings. I wouldn't know if my friends robbed a bank to get their money or inherited it or got handouts or had a credit card!

Yes it sounds like there is too much oversharing going on.

I sympathise but your post does suggest you might be contributing as how do they know about your minor purchases?
It’s worth being vigilant as to whether you mention purchases as part of your ‘news’. I’ve been surprised when a “Do what have you been up to?” has yielded a lot more detail on the relative merits of Fired Earth tiles than I was expecting. I don’t think that person was boasting in that instant and having your kitchen redone involves major disruption but maybe you mention “Oh and I we got an X…” more than you think.
Or could it be insta type posts of the new Ooni/ smoker/ fire pit/ Kitchen Aid being used for the first time with breathless excitement?

I agree with this. I have no idea what my friends have bought in the last 12 months, because that's not what we talk about. How much money someone has, and what they have bought recently/are planning to buy in future is not interesting to me in the slightest.

It sounds like you're happy to talk about your possessions/purchases providing the cost of them goes unsaid, but obviously everyone will be roughly aware of the cost. It's bragging without being 'vulgar' about it.

Ask yourself - Why do your friends know what you buy? Do you define yourself by what you buy? Why do you surround yourselves with people who want to talk about what you buy?

We choose our friends - if the ones you have aren't good for you, choose some new ones.

Ditch

[quote Lanareyrey]@LauraFlashley I’m sorry you lost a friend to this, it’s very sad [/quote]
I know. I did try to resolve it but we're on different paths now and I just don't enjoy her company anymore.

The sad thing is, she was happiest when money was a bit tighter and she had a really lovely bunch of friends. They've all fallen by the way side as her new partner didn't like them very much probably because they don't live in the right postcode or drive the right car.

OP, I think you are right to question this and probably do need new friends. Just look at how many people struggle to feed their family.

Buy some shit from charity shops or car boots, and invent the prices

When you are friends with people who are obsessed with money it is very hard not to answer questions about it.

I disagree. It helps when you can keep fairly vague about your job and no one has really a clue what you actually earn of course, but with people obsessed with money, just play the "broke" card at all time. It cheers them up as they feel richer, and everybody is happy.

No one can guess the amount left on your mortgage, if you bought your car cash or have a 3 year loan or are leasing, no one knows your monthly bill and grocery shopping bill, if you buy clothes new or second hand, and going away on holiday doesn't tell anyone the price unless you really take a photo of the name of the hotel, which you don't really need to publish do you.

We have friends who seem to feel the need to keep up with everything we do. If I mention I've bought new car mats, suddenly there will be photos of her car with new car mats (this happened yesterday). We took DSS go karting so then they took theirs quad biking the next weekend (one better, they thought). I bought DP an Apple Watch for his birthday, so she bought her DP the most expensive model (I didn't!) two weeks later. She will ask what we're getting DSS for birthdays/Christmas, then always gets similar PLUS something extra (or the same as what we got, but a better model).

Everything we do is brought up in conversation. Everything SHE does is plastered all over her Instagram. I just don't understand it. Our lives are very different, and certainly me and DP are nothing to be envious of! Yet for whatever reason she feels the need to try and beat us in what never was and never will be a competition.

People love to judge people.

If I mention I've bought new car mats

You see, this sounds utterly mad to me. I would never, ever consider this, or any other purchase, worthy of discussing with a friend. We talk about hobbies, current affairs, films, music, trips and outings we're planning, what our mutual acquaintances are up to, how things are going at work (in an 'am I enjoying it' sense, not promotion bragging).

We don't talk about what we got for Xmas or birthdays, because we're not 12! (The only exception would be a conversation where someone says "That's a lovely jumper", and you respond, "Thanks, I love it, DH gave it to me for my birthday". And then you move on because possessions aren't that thrilling.)

And I'm not on instagram, but I would unfollow anyone who posted a photo of bloody car mats! Just ignore the fuckers. Deny them the oxygen of attention.