People treating you differently when you’re larger- ignorant or offensive?

[Flawedperfection]

I’m very fat at the moment. I used to be slim and was anorexic as a teen briefly. Now I struggle to stop eating and that is why I am the size I am. As a non-smoker, teetotal no-drug taker, I like to cook and eat.
Anyway, I’m interested if other people have this from others. So, the most troubling is men seem to be scared of talking to me, as if I’m going to fancy them and want to go out with them (I really don’t), and I thought maybe my gratitude for them being kind and polite (and not being rude about my weight) translated somehow into apparent desperation in some way? When I talk to men (irl, work etc) they seem fine then look scared and start to back off when the chat grows more animated.
Im thinking of getting a tshirt that says: “Don’t worry, I certainly do NOT fancy you- you’re safe, honest!”
Also, people assume that as a fatty (my mother’s words, not mine) I a.) eat bad stuff all the time (I actually eat healthily, just way too much, b.) I never exercise (also untrue), c.) I should be the life and soul (I’m not, I am depressed with many phobias and issues), and d.) I won’t want to/don’t have the right to dress nicely and/or be into hair/makeup- erm, why wouldn’t I?!
AIBU to think this way of thinking is fucked up? For the record, us larger ladies might like to make an effort with our appearance, might be quieter, may eat healthily and be fit and active. And lastly, we do not necessarily fancy every bloke who talks to us and be “grateful” for their attention!

Oh, and that we “fatties” will automatically sweat bucketloads at the mention of any physical exertion and will smell of BO just like that (again, not always, and actually the only person I’ve met with a real BO problem was v slim!).

That's fine and point taken but I don't know what's up with your third sentence. I drink, smoke, occasionally take drugs, and also like to cook and eat

Are you very fat though?
As a former anorexic you may have a skewed perspective

I am genuinely fat - size 16 and I don’t recognise any of the things you describe but we do all have different experiences

I think it might be in your head. Men don't assume you fancy th just because your are polite and friendly

You are not wrong OP. I used to be a size 8-10. Since surgical menopause at 32 I put on a bunch of weight. The pandemic hasn't helped. I'm now 13 stone and a size 16-18.

The truth is some people value thinness over any other accomplishment or achievement (often when it is neither). In the years since I put on weight I've achieved more than I have in any other time of my life, but people seem to regard me as somehow failing at life because I'm fat. They also assume that my fatness is due to laziness, and that were they me they would not be fat. I cook and eat very healthily, have little processed food, I just eat too much (a slow habit that's grown over time since meeting DH, I match his portions and he's a man who does a very physically demanding job all day) and my metabism is screwed.

People suggest that losing weight is the solution to this problem. While I might want to.lose weight for other reasons, even if I woke up a size 8 tomorrow, I would still know that certain friends and family members only value me so highly when I'm thin, and I would therefore still think they are dickheads.

When I was at university I remember dancing in a group with mixed boys and girls and it was one of those songs where everyone put their arms around the person next to them and swayed round.

The boy next to me jumped back and shouted NO. You stay there at me.

Fuuuuuck me that hurt!

I'm pretty fat (5'2" and a size 18-20), and although my fragile ego doesn't really enjoy being completely invisible to the rest of the human race, I don't think I've experienced any of this directly!

I have the kind of face that makes strangers want to tell me their life story, but nobody wants to chat me up anymore. Ah well.

I'm more worried that I don't get taken seriously at work. With an even greater pang of disappointment that my boss is twice the size of me but is a man, so he can get on all the key committees and leadership teams with his Metallica t-shirt and many years less management experience than me.

Bitter, moi!

@Hoppinggreen

Are you very fat though? As a former anorexic you may have a skewed perspective

I am genuinely fat - size 16 and I don’t recognise any of the things you describe but we do all have different experiences

Do you have a skewed perspective?

While a size 16 isn't skinny I certainly wouldn't call that fat, overweight yes but not going to experience the sort of negative things the OP is talking about unless they work with runway models surely.

I believe that when you fat you either overlooked or despised because people think they will 'catch' fat. I agree with OP people do make judgements. I also think some believe it to be a 'social indicator'.

In the early 90s when Roseanne was one of the most popular shows on television, my mother refused to watch because they were 'too fat'. My ex boss (slim sporty female) once saw a photo of me 'fat' and said she would never have employed if I had been 'that way'. That makes her sound horrible but she was a great person to work with but she was very weight conscious and I think she saw being fat as a weakness.

I most definitely had more attention when slimmer - not talking male attention (believe it doesn't matter to certain men as much as we think it does) but from slimmer women.

Women do it too op, I get invited to everything when I'm thin and slowly get dropped whenever I put on weight. Then, (as im a bit of a yo yo) the invites start up again when I'm skinny. It's a real thing.

Yanbu. I've definitely noticed a difference in how people treat me as I've got fatter. (Used to be a size 12. Now a 24).

Although my pet hate is when people say "you're not fat. You're beautiful" like it's impossible to be both!

I find it really disingenuous when people say "You're not fat!"

I've got eyes and a mirror, of course I'm fucking fat.

i think people recognise the limitations of very overweight people

why should we shy away from the very obvious? not talk about it etc

i'm recruiting at the moments won't be employing anyone who is very overweight as the job is quite physical and i've already had to lose someone from the department due to them not being able to do the basics. theres no reasonable adjustments to be made either

obviously, someone of a normal weight may also have issues that will prevent them doing all aspects of the job but as its made clear at interview what the job involves, not sure why anyone would pursue a job they would struggle to do and force extra pressure onto their new colleagues.

As a non-smoker, teetotal no-drug taker, I like to cook and eat.

I think smokers, drinkers and drug takers might like to cook and eat too.

I think it is unlikely that you are both "fat" and "fit and healthy". Perhaps you are "fit and healthy" and a little overweight?
Very overweight can never be healthy..

In my experience, you're right.

In my experience at my heaviest and the several years before, people just didn't want to spend time around me, and were generally VERY dismissive. I thought it was normal for people to just let the door slam on you. I encountered a lot of rudeness, and just thought it was the way the world had become.

I've just shed 10stone. I'm still fat, I'm just under 15 stone at 5"5 but in the normal fat category.

I've always been able to chat the hind legs off a donkey, but now people will chat to me.
People aren't closed off, people are polite. I don't remember the last time a door was slammed on me.

No one comments on what I eat anymore, or assume I don't exercise, or comment that I must eat a lot of food.

People are just kinder, and that has helped me get rid of a lot of my phobias in dealing with people.

Two thoughts popped into my head as I read your post @Flawedperfection:

Is it possible that you tend to project way too much?

I cannot think of many situations where my way of chatting to people I don't know well becomes 'more animated'. What do you mean by this? Could this be a reason why some people back off?

I think when OP mentions she doesn't drink, smoke or take drugs she's saying that food is her source of enjoyment. She chooses to see food as her indulgence.

@breakfasty

As a non-smoker, teetotal no-drug taker, I like to cook and eat.

I think smokers, drinkers and drug takers might like to cook and eat too.

Op obviously means cooking etc is her 'thing'

Ah ok! I don't always see the meanings sorry OP!

@gardeninggirl68

i think people recognise the limitations of very overweight people

why should we shy away from the very obvious? not talk about it etc

i'm recruiting at the moments won't be employing anyone who is very overweight as the job is quite physical and i've already had to lose someone from the department due to them not being able to do the basics. theres no reasonable adjustments to be made either

obviously, someone of a normal weight may also have issues that will prevent them doing all aspects of the job but as its made clear at interview what the job involves, not sure why anyone would pursue a job they would struggle to do and force extra pressure onto their new colleagues.

Depends. I'm fat but also built like a brick shithouse, so when my autoimmune disease was in remission previously, physical stuff was no issue whatsoever. I know for a fact that none of the slimmer people employed, including the new boss, would ever have had the ability to heft 450-odd bits of heavy kit up and down stairs, scurry up ladders to fix lighting or scuttle underneath staging to run cables for 16 hours a day. They just didn't have the physical strength or stamina to do what I could - but the new boss would never have employed me in that role because she believed only men people of a 'normal' weight were capable of such things (and she despised people who weren't slim in any case, going by the way she banned particular people from being seen eating but allowed slimmer ones to have lunch at their desks).

But regarding the applications, you're potentially dealing with people who will be sanctioned by the Job Centre for six months of zero income if they don't apply for the advertised position - and the JCP doesn't give a shiny shit whether you're physically unable to do something, you have to apply, you have to go to interview, you have to say you can do things that you can't, or they'll say you deliberately sabotaged it because you'd rather stay on benefits. Hell, they even demand that people without driving licenses apply for delivery driver jobs (did that to me once) and you ignore the 'must have own car' or 'must have 5 years experience/degree/post graduate qualifications in' statements in the adverts.

Op, are you maybe very self conscious of yout weight, which maybe makes you project and look for things? I’m sure some people do habe issues with over weight people but I’m struggling to believe every man you speak to thinks you fancy them and is scared. I’ve been overweight and I’ve never encountered this.

I also don’t understand your comment on teatotal, non smoker non drug user who likes to cook and eat, surely you’re aware people who drink alcohol, smoke, or yes, take recreational drugs, also like to cook and eat? You write it like a justification for your weight.

Lastly its unlikely someone who is very overweight is fit. I’ve never met someone who is expected to be the life and soul simply because they are very fat either.

So your whole post makes me wonder if you’re very focused on your weight, so maybe projecting a little?

and I thought maybe my gratitude for them being kind and polite (and not being rude about my weight) translated somehow into apparent desperation in some way?

Why are you grateful to people for being kind and polite to you? I'm a size 22/24 and don't feel grateful for people showing common decency.

Sorry @breakfasty, yes, I meant that I am really into cooking and food and that is my thing but I realise that people who smoke and drink etc also need to eat! It’s annoying that my ‘thing’- food and culinary experiments don’t help my weight and that if I restricted again I would lose that hobby if that makes sense?

Wow, @Sunshinealligator, you’ve done so well and that sort of weight loss is something I’d like to achieve long term.
And yes, so as not to drip feed I have had so many pa comments about my weight, from men and women, some outright scorn and contempt and horrible lads shouting things from cars.
The weirdest thing I’ve experienced is when I’ve actually :put :on weight, people then make a fuss of saying how much weight I’ve :lost. So strange and unnerving; like did they think I was even bigger in their mind’s eye? I used to get upset by this but now I’m just genuinely confused by that one!