People treating you differently when you’re larger- ignorant or offensive?

[Flawedperfection]

I’m very fat at the moment. I used to be slim and was anorexic as a teen briefly. Now I struggle to stop eating and that is why I am the size I am. As a non-smoker, teetotal no-drug taker, I like to cook and eat.
Anyway, I’m interested if other people have this from others. So, the most troubling is men seem to be scared of talking to me, as if I’m going to fancy them and want to go out with them (I really don’t), and I thought maybe my gratitude for them being kind and polite (and not being rude about my weight) translated somehow into apparent desperation in some way? When I talk to men (irl, work etc) they seem fine then look scared and start to back off when the chat grows more animated.
Im thinking of getting a tshirt that says: “Don’t worry, I certainly do NOT fancy you- you’re safe, honest!”
Also, people assume that as a fatty (my mother’s words, not mine) I a.) eat bad stuff all the time (I actually eat healthily, just way too much, b.) I never exercise (also untrue), c.) I should be the life and soul (I’m not, I am depressed with many phobias and issues), and d.) I won’t want to/don’t have the right to dress nicely and/or be into hair/makeup- erm, why wouldn’t I?!
AIBU to think this way of thinking is fucked up? For the record, us larger ladies might like to make an effort with our appearance, might be quieter, may eat healthily and be fit and active. And lastly, we do not necessarily fancy every bloke who talks to us and be “grateful” for their attention!

Wow, real fail with the emojis/attempt at bold font there!!

Yanbu of course. But there are also huge numbers of people in this country thinking being overweight or obese is healthy. It isn’t.
And eventually that costs the country and the NHS money

I've gone between a size 12 and 16/18 all through my adult life, the only difference I've ever noticed is how I feel in myself, I've never felt that anyone has ever treated me differently when I'm bigger but i certainly have felt differently internally.

I'm an extremely unattractive yo-yo dieter, and I notice no difference between being fat or thin - it might be different if I was pretty, but I think people see 'ugly' before they register 'fat' or 'thin' in my case.

Sadly a lot of people are judgemental and there's nothing you can do but say f.u and move on to someone nicer.

"men seem to be scared of talking to me, as if I’m going to fancy them and want to go out with them"

Yep. This. Anything more than a passing casual comment and a certain type of man seems to get terrified I am trying to make a move on them or something and you get the 'Not trying to be rude or anything but I'm not looking for a girlfriend...' or similar comments. Baffling because I was just being normal and friendly, I have zero romantic interest in you and was in no way flirting.

@DGFB

Yanbu of course. But there are also huge numbers of people in this country thinking being overweight or obese is healthy. It isn’t. And eventually that costs the country and the NHS money

Give it a rest. Feel free to bore off and bash on about smokers instead, I'm sure you'll have plenty to say about smoking not only costing the NHS money but draining local resources and funds because smokers tend to litter fag ends everywhere not to mention the fact they negatively impact the health of anyone around them every time they light up.

YANBU op. I've been a size 8 and I'm currently bordering an 18. I have been thinking about this quite a bit recently and I wonder if some of it has to do with confidence too. When I am not overweight I am more confident, more energetic and more fun, but when I'm overweight I just want to fade in to the crowd. Your confidence determines how people interact with you.

On the contrary, if you have a strong personality and are also BIG you can more easily come across as someone that no one wants to tangle with.

I was always a big kid and when I whinged to my father about an older boy in school tormenting and bullying me and my friends he took me outside every night for a week and taught me to box. I was black and blue but I learned how to punch.

Next time the bully picked on us I broke his nose! He was a bigger older boy and must have felt really belittled and ashamed at being beaten up by a younger girl. No one ever bullied me in the school yard again.

@DGFB

Yanbu of course. But there are also huge numbers of people in this country thinking being overweight or obese is healthy. It isn’t. And eventually that costs the country and the NHS money

I've been fat my entire life and only ever had to go to the doctors for contraception (FYI being fat does not get you pregnant) and to then give birth to my children. I did need two csections, but that was because I had two babies who wanted to come out diagonally (which again is not caused by being fat AFAIK).

But aye, you're thinner so you must know better.

I do think some people are afraid of catching fatness of fat people. Like I'm going to force feed people cake or something.

I also hate that people always assume I want to lose weight. Am I eating vegetables because I want to lose weight? Nah, I like them. I'm not going to lose weight having Five Guys for lunch? Well, aren't you a clever one?!

I think its pretty obvious that if someone is quite overweight that they are not eating a healthy balanced diet. Or if they are, far too much of it than their body needs. Myself included. Iv always been a 12 and been considered quite attractive by others. As I have entered my 40s I'm now an 18. I cant say I have been treated differently by anyone but I can say I feel very differently about myself. Almost a repulsion. The weight has slowed me down and aged me. My boobs are HUGE which I don't like.

Size 16 is neither skinny or fat. It is the size of a garment.

@ShadowInVain, I’m sure you’re not unattractive. Anyway, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and remember that beauty fades. I know a once gorgeous actress (who is still v attractive but really restricts to keep herself skinny. Well, it’s showing on her face now which looks tired, drawn and wrinkly, and she has various joint issues. She is late 50s now, but still using a headshot where she looks 24. Also her best roles are behind her now, but she freely admits how hard it is for a woman when she has had extreme beauty all her life only for it to fade. And to have nothing else of “value” in her profession.

I was out at the weekend and the majority of women, of all ages, were overweight, with a very high number being what would be considered to be very fat. Far from shying away, men were giving the women a lot of attention. I suppose attitudes might vary by location and age range. This was a city in the Midlands with a largely 20-30 age group.

@DGFB

Yanbu of course. But there are also huge numbers of people in this country thinking being overweight or obese is healthy. It isn’t. And eventually that costs the country and the NHS money

Literally nobody thinks that. If someone thought that for ten seconds, someone like you would come along and make absolutely certain they realised they were a drain on the NHS, and on them personally via taxation.

[quote Flawedperfection]@ShadowInVain, I’m sure you’re not unattractive. Anyway, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and remember that beauty fades. I know a once gorgeous actress (who is still v attractive but really restricts to keep herself skinny. Well, it’s showing on her face now which looks tired, drawn and wrinkly, and she has various joint issues. She is late 50s now, but still using a headshot where she looks 24. Also her best roles are behind her now, but she freely admits how hard it is for a woman when she has had extreme beauty all her life only for it to fade. And to have nothing else of “value” in her profession.[/quote]
It's a shame you make that comment OP. Almost as though you are saying that old trumps fat in the undesirable stakes. You don't need to pay the negativity you get around weight forward to older women. In the same way beauty doesn't need to be thin, it doesn't need to be young either.

I totally recognise this. I've been a 10-12 at my slimmest and 18-20 at my biggest, due to essential meds. I'm now a 14. At my biggest, I worked in a very macho environment, lots of ex army. I was treated like a bloody idiot. Nobody mentioned my weight to my face but I heard in passing comments about a woman in a wheelchair who was overweight. Stupid dismissive stuff about 'ooh I know why she's in that wheelchair' I.e. because she is fat. No, it's because she had MS. Slim women were treated perfectly well but I was patronised and snapped at, ignored for opportunities. It was horrible. I was fine at my job, so realised that fat= weak and weakness was despised in that environment. Thing is that I am sturdy and strong underneath all along so have never been physically weak in my life. I couldn't get out of there quick enough.

I was a size 24 and now a 10 and much more attractive physically. It's gross how differently people treat me now. Awful. I am the same person inside.

I'm at 14-16 and I don't recognise any of this - I get chatted up a fair amount if I'm in a bar and wearing nice clothes (less so if I go to the corner shop in my dungarees and a massive jumper.)

It's impossible to know how much of this is in your head and how much you're experiencing genuine fat phobia from other people because we don't know whether you're a size 32 or a size 12 with dysmorphia.

Either way - I'm glad that as someone with a previous eating disorder you've been able to find joy from food. Some people never get there.

i'm a size 24, and i do find that people tend to act genuinly surprised when they find out i've a cutting wit, high intelligence, and am quite handy.

Take today... workmen in the house doing something, and i was keeping an eye on them, whilst also dealing with my DDs broken curtain rail.. fixing it back up... have my own tool kit, getting stuck in climbing on/shifting heavy furniture to get to it (and swearing whilst working) and they were kind of.. jokingly saying it was good seeing a woman 'getting stuck in'

Then they were having an issue with something, and i asked them what was wrong, thought about it, offered a suggestion none of them had thought of... and lo.. it worked (Sigh) and they appeared genuinely gobsmacked, then got more chatty and were pretty much flirting with me by the end of the job...i even got the offer of a phonenumber before they left (i declined)

But really.. i get that attitude a lot, simply because of my outward appearence of being 'fat', I shouldn't NEED to have them see me 'getting stuck in' for them to think i'm worth acknowledging as an attractive female.

I’m a ten to a twelve and have been a 16/18 and I can honestly say I was not treated any differently. I wasn’t ever treated like I was stupid, men weren’t scared of me, and as far as I know, no one made assumptions about how much I ate or exercised, not in any way they’d remotely let me know anyway.

But my confidence levels never changed, I expected to be treated the same. To be treated well. And I was.

So for me, whatever is happening here isn’t universal.

*Do you have a skewed perspective?

While a size 16 isn't skinny I certainly wouldn't call that fat, overweight yes but not going to experience the sort of negative things the OP is talking about unless they work with runway models surely.*

@caughtinanet I am a size 16 and my BMI is obese

OP - I haven’t been experienced a lot of what you describe, however I have also judged myself a lot. And I think the odd comment hits hard and can influence a position where it increases self doubt and worry too. Honestly my best advice is to be and feel confident, that makes you attractive. Apologies, I know that sounds trite but as someone a bit bigger I found making the choice to spend a bit more on clothes, find things I felt good in made a massive difference

Feel free to DM and good luck!

No caughtinanet I don’t have a skewed perspective.
I am fat, my BMI, my rolls of flab and my aching knees confirm this
OP has said she is a former anorexic so her “fat” may be very different to the general view - an anorexic friend of mine would consider herself fat when she was barely a healthy weight
You say you don’t consider a size 16 fat, well that’s what I am and believe me it’s not healthy

I believe that when you fat you either overlooked or despised because people think they will 'catch' fat.

And studies say they will. If your partner gains weight through unhealthy habits, you are more likely to become obese, says a study from Johns Hopkins. If your wife becomes obese, you (as a husband) are 78% more likely to become obese. If your husband becomes obese, you (as a wife) are 89% more likely to become obese. (I specify because same sex couples weren’t studied).
www.huffpost.com/entry/more-proof-that-marriage-may-make-you-far_n_56268054e4b0bce347026d21

And friends have a larger influence on your weight than family. If your friends are overweight, there is a 57% chance that you may become overweight, vs just 40% if a sibling is obese, and 37% is a spouse is a obese (the first study was if a normal weight spouse becomes obese and then if affecting the other spouse):
www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/friends-and-family-can-influence-your-weight/

BUT as the second article says, people can also catch “thin” which is why you may sometimes see very successful weight loss in couples or groups of friends who have decided to lose weight and change their habits together. This is when you start to get into the psychology of weight, yes.

But the thing is, no one should be cruel to anyone else about it, or make them feel shite about it, and that’s a fact. Making people feel “less than” does not magically cause weight loss. It causes heart break, low self esteem, and maybe various types of disordered eating. There are healthy ways to lose weight and trying to get someone to cry the fat out in their tears is NOT one of them.

My ex was overweight and I'm towards the lower end of the normal weight range.

Neither of us changed size but we had markedly different eating patterns.

He ate a lot of more fried food and would eat takeaways several times a week. He also drank more soft drinks and I rarely have them.

Men often pile on weight just before the first baby arrives. The mother and father end up eating for two.

We probably ate the same volume of food.