How do I get out of niece/nephew duty?

[Pedalpushers]

My issue goes like this:

I'm an only child, husband has a brother and a sister. DH and I have no kids, BIL and SIL have between them 2 nieces and a nephew. They range from 2 to 4 years old.

Whenever I go to their family events, my MIL is constantly encouraging the children to tag onto me. Telling them 'get Pedal to read you a story' 'ask Pedal to play' 'Pedal will take you outside for a walk' etc etc.

Thing is, nothing personal to the children who are perfectly nice, but I really don't much like kids, enjoy being around them or have any nurturing instinct. There is a reason I have none of my own after nearly a decade with my husband and frankly it irritates me that my MIL is pushing her grandchildren on me so heavily and their parents don't seem to notice or care. I do it, because I'm not heartless and wouldn't tell an excitable 2 year old bringing over their book to go away, but it just means I don't enjoy going around to my in laws.

The other thing, which my DH is aware of and actually mentioned to his mum, is that she doesn't do it to him, their biological uncle. Only me, the woman. He had a word with her in as lighthearted a way as possible but it backfired as she just laughed it off and insisted it was 'good practice'. She isn't the sort to change her behaviour.

AIBU? Are you expected to suck it up and look after inlaws kids at family events? I'm the youngest in my family so I'm not sure whether this is normal and I'm being precious and mean.

She sounds pushy.

It's a compliment in a way. She probably thinks you'd make a great mother

Nah, it's just a misguided attempt to she make you broody.

I'm child free by choice and didn't often get treated like you Pedel.

Looking back I wonder whether it had anything to do with me encouraging them to do quite (age appropriate) dangerous things that always ended in wailing. Climbing trees, Olympic gym, just the usual stuff. Or maybe, it was because if anyone asked me whether I liked children, I'd say "I love them but I couldn't eat a whole one"

Hmmmm...

A few rounds of truth or dare will sort it out, one way or another.

[quote Meraas]@Smackthepony why do you out up with it? Give the men jobs.[/quote]
They still live in the 1950’s. They see kids as women’s responsibility. They would be so shocked if I said I don’t want to entertain their kids. They assume ALL women love kids. They’d think I need some kind of conversion therapy! I have told my DH I don’t like the arrangement. All he says is well tell them to go away then like I do! He doesn’t care if he upsets them, I do. It not fair on them, as I said they are lovely polite kids. I just avoid going as much as possible and I’ve told my DH why.

@Smackthepony

OMG, I could have written this. My DH’s Family have many younger children in the family. When ever we get together, the men go off into the other room to watch footy and the women get to sit at the kitchen table helping the kids with colouring etc. When I say women I mean me as nanny and mother have to get on with all the cooking. I hate it! I’ve had my children, they are grown up and left home. I have no interest in other peoples children what so ever. They are lovely we’ll behaved kids so I’m not going to tell them to go away. They don’t deserve that. I don’t know what the answer is OP, I’m reading with interest!

Open door into the other room, usher children into it and shut and bardoor behind them. Women can then sit around kitchen table drinking wine and chatting and not cooking. Sorted.

@ittakes2 I meant no younger siblings, younget cousins, noone from my generation has had kids so no babies in the immediate family since I was born.

A PP asked if she might be trying to include me more in the family - that's a really sweet idea that I hope is at least somewhat true.

A lot of posters have asked if she knows we don't want kids - I've never directly told her this, no, but honestly I don't feel like that's a conversation I want to have, is it any of her business? My reasons for not wanting children are quite complex and it's quite a sensitive topic for me.

My reasons for not wanting children are quite complex and it's quite a sensitive topic for me

In that case you do not need to share the fact that you don't want kids. Just stick to the swearing idea.

They still live in the 1950’s. They see kids as women’s responsibility. They would be so shocked if I said I don’t want to entertain their kids. They assume ALL women love kids. They’d think I need some kind of conversion therapy! I have told my DH I don’t like the arrangement. All he says is well tell them to go away then like I do! He doesn’t care if he upsets them, I do. It not fair on them, as I said they are lovely polite kids. I just avoid going as much as possible and I’ve told my DH why.

Could you just go out when they come over? Or just go into the other room and tell the men to watch the kids?

Could it also be because your MIL wants to spend uninterrupted time with her own kids (including your DH) so you are the expendable one who can facilitate that for her - by absorbing the normal
distractions and interruptions of these very young children?

If so it’s v selfish and I would as others have said be quite blunt in pushing it back - “Oh can’t do x,y,z right now - but I am sure your GM can”

Many years ago a neighbour morally blackmailed me into looking after her child while she went to an interview with the "Ive asked everyone else you are my last hope" trick. She knew I was childfree by choice and still she did it. Hmmmm.

I told her to put the cot in the bedroom while I was clearly sitting in the lounge. Then off she trotted. I had no idea what she intended to do if she got the job but was determined i was not going to be part of her childcare arrangements.

2 hours later she returned. "How has she been?" "Asleep I assume. I havnt looked."

As a matter of fact I had checked on the child but I didnt tell her that.

She never again asked me to look after her child.

I'd say I don't like DC or soz I'm busy relaxing.
I think they're using your time for some peace, when we're together the older nieces and nephews are constantly asked to entertain the little ones.

The other thing is imo DC are really attracted to a child free aunt, this might be a long-term thing as they grow if you play with them.
We loved when our older glamorous cousin visited from London I'm sure she hated the attention looking back but she was a good sport.
She never wanted DC she has a great life.

I used to be the fun aunt and loved every minute of it. Now I have 2 of my own and at family events, I look around sadly at all the family members who, every last one of them, have zero interest on playing with and talking to my kids, even for a little bit. That was a painful realisation, but then my family are all shit and selfish so I can't say I've been surprised. Massively disappointing though, and sad for my kids. 😓

@FourTeaFallOut

Next time the two year 9ld comes over with a book say you have a better idea and upend some saucepans and give them a wooden spoon or anything as annoying as fuck so that you quickly become the last person anyone asks.

This has worked well for me over the years. Messy art is another go-to. Unsupervised messy art.

Tongue in cheek suggestions..
Teach them all the swear words/insults/inappropriate songs you know (eg dirty version of Teddy bears picnic)
Let them play with matches, or run with knives and scissors
Give them something noisy (kazoo, whistle) and encourage them to sit on grandma's knee to give a nice long loud performance
Give them an impromptu wine tasting session - either they drink the wine, or they think its fun to spit drinks out (and probably at each other)
Finger painting - be creative - ketchup works as well as paint, it's nontoxic, and it goes wonderfully far on walls
Encourage them to jump on the furniture.
Get them to hide like for hide and seek, but tell them to count to 100 and scream. Offer a prize for the loudest scream
Tell them grandma has a surprise gift for them but they have to find it first, and watch them turn the house over in seconds
Don't use their names, call them all crotch goblins.
Teach them the song that never ends. Offer prizes for the kid who can keep it up the longest.
Buy them each a chocolate ice-cream for the sugar high, then tell them grandma needs a hug and a kiss while they're still covered

if young children are so great, why are their parents always trying to dump them on others.... i have 2 - I actually love toddlers and babies - for 15 minutes. then i find them insufferably boring.
They are a tad young but surely they could bring you glasses of wine, and graduate to making you cocktails like the Betty's children in Mad Men. and help you light your cigarettes or cigars. teach them how to make slingshots.

2 hours later she returned. "How has she been?" "Asleep I assume. I havnt looked."

some of these are brilliant!

YANBU OP. I’m childfree and intend to stay that away (though my family don’t know it yet) - I don’t know if it’s because I’m female but there’s just an assumption I’ll want to coo over my siblings’ new babies, feed them, bathe them, babysit them, look after toddlers. I want to help my siblings but I have no instinct with babies or small children.

Whether you want children or not is irrelevant. I have children (and love my nieces and nephews) but find other people's kids tedious and I would hate this.

Keep sending the kids back to granny. "I have a sore throat. Granny can read much better. Tell her to do the voices."