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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did I say the wrong thing

65 replies

Clappingforjoy · 28/07/2021 15:50

I still haven't got over early menopause a number of years ago and have turned into a bitter cow but I can't shake the feelings off. I was ttc when I was diagnosed with pof.
I have posted here before about my struggles since I can't look at pregnant women and feel extremely envious of them its got so bad that I've felt like ending it.
Today my sister was asking if our relative who dropped lucky after difficulty ttc on not one but 2 babies is out of hospital I was really nasty and said I didn't know and hadn't asked because I find it all really difficult.
I am prepared to be told I am spiteful.
I feel forgotten like people have forgot how I've suffered and still am about all of this and feeling like I can't take it anymore.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2021 15:52

Saying you don’t know wasn’t nasty? Did you say anything else?

FunMcCool · 28/07/2021 15:56

I hope your ok op. What your feeling is tough and valid.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 28/07/2021 15:56

I don’t think that’s a nasty thing to say - if that’s all you said. You’re perfectly right to assert your own mental health needs. I’m sorry you’re finding it so difficult Flowers
Your relations should learn to be a bit more tactful.

Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 28/07/2021 15:57

No but just told my sister that I feel the need to distance myself from pregnancies within the family as I can't feel any joy or enthusiasm for it

OP posts:
DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 28/07/2021 15:59

I can't understand what you have written tbh

Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 28/07/2021 15:59

My other announced the news that our relation had delivered and I shut the text down without responding.

OP posts:
Twillow · 28/07/2021 15:59

Having had a termination in difficult circumstances where actually I wanted to keep the baby, I get you. (I hope that's not an insensitive slant.) It is THE MOST agonising, painful, bitter jealousy to see pregnant women or new mothers when you wish it could be you. It is not spiteful. You do have to try your very hardest to be kind or avoid direct contact where possible. I'm sorry your sister is not more understanding. Honestly, she should have more understanding. She could have found out about the relative for herself. Have you been able to access any counselling?

FittedSheet · 28/07/2021 16:01

@Clappingforjoy

No but just told my sister that I feel the need to distance myself from pregnancies within the family as I can't feel any joy or enthusiasm for it
That’s not ‘rude’, you’re protecting yourself in difficult circumstances. You didn’t say anything unpleasant.
Smartiepants79 · 28/07/2021 16:03

It’s not a nasty things to say.
And it’s understandable in your circumstances. It perhaps depend a little on how you spoke to your sister as to whether she might feel you were being ‘nasty’.
It’s not spiteful not to want to be informed or surrounded by other people’s babies.
For your own sake I do think you need to continue to work on ways to get past this and find new meaning in your life.
But you should talk to your close family so they can be sensitive and supportive.

GlitchStitch · 28/07/2021 16:04

If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. It's a shame you can't find it in you to be happy that a family member has safely delivered a baby though.

Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 28/07/2021 16:09

My close family have all dispersed since death of parents so I only get the occasional text and my sisters are wrapped up in their expanding family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clappingforjoy · 28/07/2021 16:12

Basically I don't have any support to call upon because everybody is busy.
My one sister is having grandchild after grandchild so she is focused on this not her miserable sister.

OP posts:
MoreAloneTime · 28/07/2021 16:16

I think you need other people to lean on for support and just keep things casual with family for now.

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 28/07/2021 16:20

I think you come across as sensible and understanding of your own needs. You didn’t say anything nasty at all and are aware of your feelings. If you’re not close to your relative then it’s no big deal really is it?However, what has happened seems to be preventing you from moving on with your life and living your life to the full and I hope you can get help to come to terms with your situation x

QueeniesCroft · 28/07/2021 16:20

I think it's actually healthy to say that you can't cope with other people being pregnant, and to ask for some understanding when you distance yourself from it.

What you have been through is so very difficult, and what I expect a lot of people don't understand is that it won't be just about not having the baby you wanted. As well as the loss (because it is a loss) of the potential babies you might have had, there will be all the other stages you will never experience. I actually think that it's cruel to try to force you to celebrate the birth of a child when it's clear that it causes you pain.

I had many years of infertility before having my first baby, but also lost my daughter at birth. I can't cope with baby girls at all, I just can't. I've tried, and it's too much for me. It may always be this way, but I hope not. I have talked to my in-laws (don't see my own family really) and they have been so generous and kind about it all. I can cope with toddlers very well, and my great-niece and I have a lovely relationship now, but I didn't feel able to even meet her until she was nearly 18 months old.

It's a shame that your sister can't see this as something that you can't do, rather than something you are being deliberately difficult about.

AnnaSW1 · 28/07/2021 16:22

I think it's a shame your sister doesn't have more empathy for your situation

PrettyLittleFlies · 28/07/2021 16:24

What you said was perfect, well done. More people should feel able to be upfront about their boundaries.

I'm so sorry OP that you are in so much pain, it can be quite debilitating.

PrettyLittleFlies · 28/07/2021 16:25

@GlitchStitch

If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. It's a shame you can't find it in you to be happy that a family member has safely delivered a baby though.
That's actually a very mean post. It's a shame you can't find it in you to drum up empathy or to ssshh.
Cocomade · 28/07/2021 16:26

Your protecting yourself Thanks

GlitchStitch · 28/07/2021 16:27

It's not a mean post. OP isn't childless but always omits that part on her various threads. It leads others to share their own painful situations in support and I don't think that's particularly fair.

MzHz · 28/07/2021 16:28

I know what you’re saying

Have you ever had any counselling? Not that there’s anything wrong with you, but I’m sure you could be happier if you were able to process the emotions around this and give yourself a break

I don’t think your family know what to say or how to help so they’re carrying on as best they know

They’re not wrong for this, but you’re hurting and this I would like you to be able to fix because you deserve to feel better about life generally than this

DysmalRadius · 28/07/2021 16:31

@GlitchStitch

If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. It's a shame you can't find it in you to be happy that a family member has safely delivered a baby though.
That's literally the OP's point and it's more than a fucking shame - it's heartbreaking.

Sorry, OP - please look after yourself and don't put pressure on yourself to pretend you're ok if you aren't. Flowers

chunderwunder · 28/07/2021 16:32

It's a shame you can't find it in you to be happy that a family member has safely delivered a baby though

Faced with sanctimonious crap like this, it's no wonder women struggle.

pleasedonttextmyman · 28/07/2021 16:33

I didn't know and hadn't asked because I find it all really difficult.

that's not nasty at all!

And frankly, the entire world is not obsessed with babies, most people really don't care for babies and kids (apart from their own if they have any).

No but just told my sister that I feel the need to distance myself from pregnancies within the family as I can't feel any joy or enthusiasm for it
sounds a lot more healthy than the weird people cooing at the mere mention of a random baby (see all the weird worship of the royal babies Confused )

DysmalRadius · 28/07/2021 16:35

@GlitchStitch

It's not a mean post. OP isn't childless but always omits that part on her various threads. It leads others to share their own painful situations in support and I don't think that's particularly fair.
You don't want people to offer support to someone who is sad because you don't think they deserve it, so you're being unkind to them to...balance it out somehow?