Did I say the wrong thing

[Clappingforjoy]

I still haven't got over early menopause a number of years ago and have turned into a bitter cow but I can't shake the feelings off. I was ttc when I was diagnosed with pof.
I have posted here before about my struggles since I can't look at pregnant women and feel extremely envious of them its got so bad that I've felt like ending it.
Today my sister was asking if our relative who dropped lucky after difficulty ttc on not one but 2 babies is out of hospital I was really nasty and said I didn't know and hadn't asked because I find it all really difficult.
I am prepared to be told I am spiteful.
I feel forgotten like people have forgot how I've suffered and still am about all of this and feeling like I can't take it anymore.

@GlitchStitch
Why does a woman have to be childless to talk about her sadness about early menopause?

This is different as I have secondary infertility. I tell people if I don't want to see them because I can't handle their little baby etc. Everyone has taken it well and understands. It's totally fine to be honest and explain. You do have to word it carefully though.

@AnnaSW1 sadly empathy is often thin on the ground. I can see why OP may feel the way she does. I also have fertility issues and friends seem to wonder why lm not super interested in their new baby, maternity leave, baby shower etc. I don’t wish them ill will but l need to take a step back. The fact our most recent IVF transfer failed only a couple of months ago, appears to have been forgotten. With a vibe of “oh, is El going on about that again?!”

I wonder who is being hurt most by your feelings? Is it your relative, your sister, random pregnant women? Or is it you?

You have choices here, OP. You can be bitter and (in your words) spiteful for the next X number of years. You can dwell on your hurt and anger and imagine yourself to be the only person who could possibly feel the way that you do. That's your prerogative. Or you could seek help (either self help or external) to deal with the way you feel and make peace with yourself.

But do know the only person you are hurting is you.

@GlitchStitch

It's not a mean post. OP isn't childless but always omits that part on her various threads. It leads others to share their own painful situations in support and I don't think that's particularly fair.

It doesn't make any difference. Whether you have a child already or not, to be going through the soul-destoying hell that is infertility and fertility treatment is bad enough. To then be told that you have pof and have started the menopause early is the last straw.

I know, because it happened to me.

OP, I understand how you feel, and it will get better in time.

OP has an adult child, she's a mother. I do think it's a shame that she gets angry at other people who only want what she already has, to be a mother. I don't think agreeing with OP that her attitude is healthy and normal after nearly 20 years is particularly kind actually.

@GlitchStitch

OP has an adult child, she's a mother. I do think it's a shame that she gets angry at other people who only want what she already has, to be a mother. I don't think agreeing with OP that her attitude is healthy and normal after nearly 20 years is particularly kind actually.

Sadly for you it isn't your place to rule who is allowed to feel what. All you're doing here is demonstrating how hugely judgmental and insensitive you are.

Ah Op.

Definitely me saralou

I previously had somebody tell me that at my age now I should be over it and it does hurt when people attack me as i already have one grown up dc.

@Clappingforjoy

Definitely me saralou

Do you want to change? You can, if you want to.

@GlitchStitch

OP has an adult child, she's a mother. I do think it's a shame that she gets angry at other people who only want what she already has, to be a mother. I don't think agreeing with OP that her attitude is healthy and normal after nearly 20 years is particularly kind actually.

Do you really think your responses to the OP are kind? She said that she has had suicidal thoughts over this tremendous sadness in her life, so how are your posts helping more than those who have sympathised?

Its vile feelings i have tbh my ds is almost 21 and doesn't bother with me a great deal I feel like I will die lonely. I am envious of my sister and her large family. My mother never showed any empathy towards her although bless her soul she passed last year.

Towards me that should say

It is a difficult situation, for all concerned. My sister in law had been married for 10 years and desperately wanted a baby but had not been successful. I got pregnant within a month of getting married. I felt very embarrassed around her and tried not to discuss anything to do with babies whenever I was in her company.

I’m sorry this has happened op I do know how much infertility hurts.
However if you have an adult child and your sister is tied up with her grandchildren I assume it happened quite a long time ago?
Are you able to go for counselling? You need to be able to find a way to come to terms with this so it doesn’t affect the rest of your life.

You've spent so long focusing on what you don't have, that what you did have- a son who is now 21, seems to have slipped by you. Your bitterness towards your sister, sounds as if it has probably robbed you of a relationship with any neices/ nephews or their children because you can't cope. Have you seen anyone? Talked to them? Because of the bitterness continues- you definitely will be lonely and continue to be.

Clappingforjoy you need to get some rl support. This is not healthy, it is affecting your relationships with those close to you including your DC . It is no wonder your DC is distancing themselves if you spend your time angry and hostile because you didnt have more DC. She must feel she was never enough. I get the emotional issues, I have no doubt many woman have struggled with fertility, early menopause, loss etc. We all have our own struggles however they dont spend their life angry and do something about it. You need to see a psychotherapist

What do you mean by ‘did I say the wrong thing?’

I doubt your sister is hurt that you are bitter about this pregnancy, so no, I didn’t think you said the ‘wrong’ thing.

It does sound as though you’ve turned into someone you don’t like very much though.

Do you really think your responses to the OP are kind? She said that she has had suicidal thoughts over this tremendous sadness in her life, so how are your posts helping more than those who have sympathised?

I have read a few of OP's threads over the years and have a different view to you, that's all. I don't think posters telling OP that her sister was unkind and insensitive are helpful. I don't think OP needs to be told that her level of bitterness is normal. It's just validating her continuing to be angry and wallowing in her misery rather than having a fulfilling life.

@GlitchStitch - I'm in your camp.

OP has an adult child, she's a mother.

OP, do you think it’s fair to have childless women opening their hearts and reawakening their own pain in order to comfort you, when you have what they long for?

@GlitchStitch

If that's how you feel then that's how you feel. It's a shame you can't find it in you to be happy that a family member has safely delivered a baby though.

@Clappingforjoy

I don’t think how you reacted to your ds is or relative is nasty or spiteful.

However, pregnancy and babies are a fact of life. Do you need to get some support or counselling so you can cope with how you feel better, and to move forward.

I have a 21 year old. He doesn’t’t bother with me much either. They grow up and lead their own lives.

@GlitchStitch I completely agree with you.