Did I say the wrong thing

[Clappingforjoy]

I still haven't got over early menopause a number of years ago and have turned into a bitter cow but I can't shake the feelings off. I was ttc when I was diagnosed with pof.
I have posted here before about my struggles since I can't look at pregnant women and feel extremely envious of them its got so bad that I've felt like ending it.
Today my sister was asking if our relative who dropped lucky after difficulty ttc on not one but 2 babies is out of hospital I was really nasty and said I didn't know and hadn't asked because I find it all really difficult.
I am prepared to be told I am spiteful.
I feel forgotten like people have forgot how I've suffered and still am about all of this and feeling like I can't take it anymore.

It is indeed ok to protect yourself but Op sounds completely miserable so she's not doing a great job. Something has to change.

I think it's actually healthy to say that you can't cope with other people being pregnant, and to ask for some understanding when you distance yourself from it.

This. Though if you’ve felt this way for a while and things aren’t improving then I’d encourage to seek some therapy or other mental health support, to help you move forward.

I’m very sorry for what you’ve been through.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're struggling with this I've been there.

I don't think what you said was in any way nasty or mean. I actually think you handled it very well.

I understand what you mean about becoming bitter and not liking yourself for it. When I finally fully understood that I'd never have a biological child, it was like a little part of my soul died. I'd always assumed that I'd have a big family, I had this dream of having wonderful christmases surrounded by my children and grandchildren. Probably sounds weird to be dreaming about being a grandma when I was in my 20s, but my grandma was the centre of our family, an incredibly warm and caring woman.

Although I didn't have a problem celebrating other people's pregnancies (in fact I went massively in the other direction and got embarrassingly over-invested) I spent probably 3-4 years feeling very bitter towards women who had large families. I became really judgemental of anyone who had more than 2 children. It was like "You've got 5 fucking kids and I can't even have ONE? How is that fair? Clearly you're a planet destroying benefit scrounger!"

I cannot say I did anything to help those feelings go away - I didn't have therapy at that time although it probably would have really helped. I think it took longer for me to process as my marriage ended as well and I dealt with losing residence of my stepchild (H had 100% residence.) But eventually the feelings did ease, and I made a conscious effort to be less judgmental and more positive in general.

One thing that's really helped with that is that I made the decision to love myself and treat myself with kindness. When I do that, not only do I feel better, but I'm motivated to spread that kindness outwards.

My stepson is now an adult (26) and we are in daily contact, in fact he lived with me after his dad died when he was 13 and his bio mum abused him horribly. He did go through a period of not being too bothered with me and I think that's a natural part of growing up. Your relationship with your DS may improve if you can change your outlook a bit and be more positive, and don't be too needy with him.

Please don't be upset by Glitch's posts, they clearly have a hate-boner for you.

@Clappingforjoy

Its vile feelings i have tbh my ds is almost 21 and doesn't bother with me a great deal I feel like I will die lonely. I am envious of my sister and her large family. My mother never showed any empathy towards her although bless her soul she passed last year.

There aren't many 21 year olds who bother that much with parents, except when they want something.

When you do see him, please be fun and cheerful, and listen to him. It isn't his fault you went through an early menopause (which you know). There's no reason to suppose you will have a lonely old age but a lot of that is up to you.

Not your fault either, it's just unfortunate.

My mother in law, apparently, went through the menopause at 38. I remember when she told me I asked how she had felt about it, being so young. She said nobody wants that but it passed and she was all right afterwards

You don't say how early your menopause was Clappingforjoy. Of course it is your business but I was wondering if, at that time, you were hoping to have another child which is what is making you so unhappy.

I do think counselling might help you. You have a life to live and any help you can access which could make it more enjoyable is worth trying.

Do you have an interesting job or hobby?

Remember, outwardly you are no different to anyone else; if people don't know your medical history, they'll just think you are a woman with a grown up child. Not unusual at all, perfectly normal!

Take care of yourself - you said nothing wrong by the way. This will pass.

Op you need some professional help. And I don't mean that to be disparaging.

I don't think it's that your sister can't be bothered with you. You are distancing yourself because they are involved with people who are having babies.

That's entirely your choice. But do remember, these people are only doing what you, yourself have done had a baby.

I understand, that infertility is difficult, even if you have a child. I have been there.

But you describe someone who is pregnant as 'dropped lucky'. So by that measurement, you dropped lucky too. With your son. You didn't later on.

I am not sure how old you were when this happened or, rather how long its been.

But at the moment it appears you are missing out on so much, which is making you more bitter. And you are only harming yourself.

Have you ever sought counselling for
This op?

Good post from Katedanielshasakitty

I remember you now OP. These difficult feelings are hurting you more than anyone else and you’ll find it impossible to avoid all pregnant women and babies so it’s essential you find some practical ways to deal with these things as they inevitably occur in your family and around you.

I received some counselling but found it useless im on a list to have another go.
Its been a long long time but I can't get it out of my head as it happened right in the middle of ttc

I sort of made the decision to stay away. I'm so hurt when I see people struggle like I did and then become successful not once but twice and think why was I punished so badly.
I feel old and washed up.

You’re obviously in a really bad place and I send heartfelt sympathy for that

Stick with the waiting list and I really hope you find a way to live with more peace in your life.

@Clappingforjoy

I sort of made the decision to stay away. I'm so hurt when I see people struggle like I did and then become successful not once but twice and think why was I punished so badly. I feel old and washed up.

I am glad you are going to give counselling another go. It took a few times for me to find the right person.

You talk about feeling old and washed up. It could be that not being able to have a 2nd baby is spurring those feelings.

But could it be also that you are not dealing with getting older, very well. And the POF, is just a symbol of that. I have a couple of friends that have really struggled with aging and 'old and washed up' is a phrase both of them use.

You aren't being punished. As cliché as it sounds, these things just happen. Its not punishment or divine retribution. Would this person also failing to have a 2nd make you feel better? Would it take away some of your pain, to know someone else is in the same boat.

If it would, you need alot of counselling. Wishing bad things on someone because it happened to you isn't healthy at all and there's alot to unpack.

If it wouldn't make you feel better, why is it making you so angry that they could have a second. This women struggled too.

Again, it's cliche. But I imagine there's alot of people who have seen you with your son over the years and felt upset that they can't have children at all.

I am not even 40 and can no longer have children, so I get it to a certain point. But you seem to obsessed with you don't have, instead of appreciating what you do. You have more than some people.

And you can't see that and it's ruining your relationships with the people you love.

Do you have a partner?

Having more DC wouldn’t have guaranteed a close relationship with them.

I’d perhaps focus on why your relationship with DS is so terrible as well as therapy.

Feeling so bitter for so long must be bloody exhausting.

It’s good you are planning to get more counselling. You are punishing yourself and others with how you feel, and denying yourself healthy relationships with those around. What will happen in the future if your son marries and have children? Will you resent him?

Why was I punished so badly

Punished for what? Plus you are a mother. If you think becoming a mother to one child is a punishment, I wonder what you think women who can't be mothers are being "punished" for.

I can tell from your posts you are in mental pain, but please be careful how you phrase things. Without meaning to I'm sure, you have said something that could cause a lot of hurt.