Was I BU for going NC with alcoholic birth giver? Her sister thinks so.

[Itsnotmeisit]

My mother was a terrible parent.

She was very neglectful and emotionally abusive.

She put me in harms way repeatedly, for example - buying me class A drugs at age 13 'because i wanted them', standing by and doing nothing whilst i was being exploited by grown men and moving me in with her convicted sex offender boyfriend to give a few examples.

To top it off as soon as she stopped getting benefits for me she ran off 250 miles, disappeared and left me to fend for myself when I was still just 16.

Stupidly i chose to relocate to where she'd moved when I was 23 and tried to rebuild the relationship and support her through her next fuck up, alcoholism.

After almost 5 years of heartache and stress I finally found the strength to go NC. I'm breaking the cycle for my own DC.

Today I had my aunt on the phone chewing my ear off about mums drinking "oh what can we doooo about it. I think you could be more kinder and tolerant, we neeeed to help her"

She caught me unawares as I didn't recognise the number.

I had very little to do with aunt as it were because in her eyes mum can do no wrong and she's a huge enabler.

I reiterated that I want nothing to do with her and it's not my problem anymore.

My aunt continued to whine about how she needs help and what do I suggest.

Once again I said it's not my problem and reminded her of the crap she'd put me through. I said "you do realise she single handedly destroyed my childhood don't you? Why should i do anything for her at all?"

Aunt then went on to justify everything that woman had done to me. The abuse, the abandonment.

"My friend Joice, well her mum threw her out at 13-14 and they have a nice relationship now"

Then..

"She's alot nicer than you make her out to be, your mother"

I told her not to contact me again and I've blocked the number.

Am I "intolerant" or a bad person for finally pulling the plug? She thinks so

Can I also ask though, because I really want to understand, what the hell goes on in the heads of people like this? (My aunt)

How can you justify the abuse of a child then have the audacity to expect that now adult child to continue to walk over broken glass for a POS like that?

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get it out and talk to somebody. I'm due to start therapy in Sept and it can't come soon enough

I think you did the right thing and well done for telling your aunt.
Your mother and aunt are adults who are responsible for their own actions , you don’t owe them anything.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. I have relatives with the same "life's too short to hold grudges, can't we all just get on?" attitude. My attitude is "life's too short to waste it on people who don't deserve my time and attention". I'm so sorry you had such an awful and abusive childhood. Stay strong and good luck with your therapy.

As for your question about what goes through your aunts head, I can only guess that she is in denial about how bad your mother was to you because it’s easier for her to deal with , and alcoholism and your mothers other problems can be a long and hard process to overcome so it’s easier for her to pass the buck to you and think “well if her daughter got in touch it might help her” and then she feels like she’s done something to help
If she ever contacts you again tell her to go to Al Anon herself , but you’re under no obligation to speak to either of them imo

I agree that you’ve done the right thing. You were abused. It really is as simple as that. You’ve already given your mother a second chance and she blew it, where does it end?

Your mom has obviously played the victim well. It's what these people do. You're doing the right thing.

Absolutely not. Your mother sounds like a horrid person!

Sorry you went through that OP. You are absolutely not a horrible person to put boundaries in place. x

Thank you for the replies, it's much appreciated.

I did try hard to support her with the alcoholism but it was all thrown back in my face and she just doesn't want to stop.

She was upsetting me all over again and it was starting to impact on my young DC so I had to cut her off. It wasn't an easy decision as there was still a large part of me that just wanted my mum, as pathetic as that sounds. I don't have any other family so I'm on my own now aside my partner and small children.

I actually did tell aunt to contact al anon and familiarise herself with the three C's but she won't bother, it suits her to enable mum instead so she can play the saviour by flapping around and cushioning her fall so to speak.

I would be lying if I said my aunt's attitude to what mum put me through doesn't hurt, because she would tell anybody who'll listen what a dear neice I am and how much she adores me. Ha.

Yanbu. Your mother is bloody lucky that you gave her so many chances. You owe her nothing.

Ask your aunt if ‘Joyce’s mum’ bought her friend drugs at age 13 and moved a sex offender in. Better still, ask her why she didn’t put this level of effort into protecting you when you were a defenceless child.

You are doing absolutely the right thing. Focus on your therapy and leave those two to the shitshow they created.

People get on your case for two reasons.

Either to offload the troublesome person onto your hands because they’re sick of dealing with them.

Or - and I think this is more common - to minimise it because it allows them to minimise the fact that their niece (or nephew) was abused and they turned a blind eye to it.
One of my Aunts used to expect me to apologise because I “took up” my grandparents time because they brought me up until I very, very bluntly said to her “You do realise you are asking me to apologise for being an abused and neglected child don’t you?” and when she blustered about how hard it was for her asked “Is that why you turned a blind eye to the bruises you saw and stories you heard?”

It’s much nicer for them to keep up the pretence that “poor x made a few mistakes years ago” than to accept that their sibling is a child abusing piece of scum who they make excuses for.

You’ve absolutely done the right thing. Leave her and any of her flying monkeys behind. You don’t need any of them.

I think you need to go NC with your aunt too, absolutely horrendous she thinks you should forget everything and help your mum. Er no! You don't have any responsibilities or sense of duty at all. She didn't do what's right by you when you were a vulnerable child so fuck her. Ppl like that will just continue to abuse you in other ways. Stay strong and keep away from them. You will have a much happier life without them in it.

It wasn't an easy decision as there was still a large part of me that just wanted my mum, as pathetic as that sounds.

That’s not pathetic at all. It’s entirely natural to want your mum.

I grieved when my Mum died even though she was awful. It took me years to realise that I was grieving both for my mum and the mum I always wanted

Your aunt is lost in co-dependency - and for as long as that's where she is, you won't get anything rational from her. I spent years in that state until I learned otherwise regarding my alcoholic late husband.

So no, YANBU. You're doing everything right - you've learned from your past, you're not making those same mistakes, you're building your own life with your DD. Hoo-bloody-ray for you, no guilt required.

You have every right to feel the way you do.
You are definitely right to cut off your mothers flying monkeys (aunt)
I don't want to second guess your aunts excuse for bullying you into making contact with your birth parent. None of these things are relevant if you have decided its not something you want.
Keep yourself safe. Don't answer calls from unknown or withheld numbers just incase.
I hope therapy finally brings you the peace you deserve in your life 💐💐💐

Aunt wants you to deal with her sister so that she doesn't have to, or at least share the burden.

Also, I suspect she may have been complicit in what went on - did she at any point step in to protect or help you? Did se have any inkling of what was happening to you?

I am going to assume your aunt is your mum’s sister. Therefore, they had the same/similar upbringing and are sadly probably just repeating that.

Yanbu and well done got recognising the cycle needs to be broken and doing something about ut.

There are lots of reasons she may be behaving this way, but none of them are ok. I guess it is easier to pressure you than your mother, and she is looking for someone to take responsibility. You are quite right that you have done nothing wrong and that NC is a good option with unreasonable people. And that Al anon could be helpful - alcoholic families tied themselves in knots to excuse the behaviour of the alcoholic.

Because your aunt is in denial and because she has lower expectations of your DM. The relationship you expect and deserve from your DM is completely different so she will never see it how you do. You’ve done the right thing. I am NC with my DB 10 years this year he is an alcoholic and I just couldn’t take anymore. I have had the same experience of people telling me what I should do to help him, my answer is your keen for him to have help? Off you go then, good luck! Or those that say life is short, yes it is and I won’t waste another moment on someone who won’t help themselves and blames everyone else for their actions. I went to one of the support meetings for families of alcoholics with SIL to support her, I found myself breaking down because it was the first time anyone asked how I felt, i listened to the experiences of the other relatives of alcoholics and I thought, nope I’m done this is what I’m having to do? Attend support groups to cope with your issues? It’s so easy for others to judge when they have no clue what you have been through. Along with continuous vile behaviour towards me I’d had enough. You’ve have done the right thing by going NC you deserve better and it’s not all about what your DM needs.

I expect your aunt misremembers your childhood because otherwise she would feel guilty for not protecting you or supporting you more. I also think she wants you to help fix your mum so it is not her responsibility. There are no good excuses aunt can make for you to stay in touch with her. You are right to cut off your mum ans also your aunt if she can't accept your decision.

Your aunt doesn't care about you, she wants you to take your mum's crap so she can disengage.

Fuck that, stay NC.

Having cut the ties between you is nothing but excellent. Well done! I truly believe we can’t start to heal ourselves if we are still living in the past. I hope you move on and with therapy get the life you deserve.

I grew up in the north of England and my aunt has always lived down south (where we all are now) so I didn't see her very frequently, once a year perhaps but regular telephone contact.

The version she got, and believes, from my mum is that I was an out of control child making her life hell by not listening (there was nothing to listen to, she didn't care what happened to me or what I did), getting in with the wrong crowd, drinking and taking drugs.

The troubling part for me is that instead of seeing it as most would, that I was a little girl being neglected and failed, she adopted the narrative that I was the problem and to blame for it all.

Instead of seeing it as a child being exploited I was seen as promiscuous.

Instead of trying to help me I was demonized and my mother pitied "poor sue, I don't know how she copes with that kid" (not her real name)

My aunt was a driving factor in my mum doing a moonlight flit and abandoning me, she encouraged her to move down south to live with her.

Unsurprisingly, left to my own devices and having no guidance I ended up in an abusive relationship. They knew about it all and not once did they come back down to help me. Again, I was a problematic person bringing it all on myself.

The memories I have of my grandparents are all positive so I don't know where the dysfunction comes from, but I'm obviously missing something arent I?

Thank you for talking to me. I'm going to be explicitly NC with aunt from today.

I'm so sorry some of you can relate to parts of this.

Oh love, you’re absolutely doing the right thing

I had issues with my dm too and I got a lot of pressure from flying monkeys to be kind because “she’s your mother”

What happened to “be kind you’re her mother”?

Absolute bloody crickets whenever I asked that.

Your flying monkeys are hooked up in the crap your mother has created, they need you to be sucked into it too to validate THEIR misery.

No. You owe them and her nothing

Therapy will be so helpful for you, it was for me.

You’ll be fine, just keep waking the path you’re on.

You are absolutely right to cut these toxic people out of your life.

You should be so proud of yourself for coming out the other side of all that trauma and having healthy boundaries in place now too. Don't second guess them.

Be proud of yourself

You did the right thing. You deserve a calm and happy life away from your mum.
Has your aunt actually done anything to help or is she the type to talk about it and expect others to do the painful donkey work? She is lucky that you didn't end the call sooner the.