Was I BU for going NC with alcoholic birth giver? Her sister thinks so.

[Itsnotmeisit]

My mother was a terrible parent.

She was very neglectful and emotionally abusive.

She put me in harms way repeatedly, for example - buying me class A drugs at age 13 'because i wanted them', standing by and doing nothing whilst i was being exploited by grown men and moving me in with her convicted sex offender boyfriend to give a few examples.

To top it off as soon as she stopped getting benefits for me she ran off 250 miles, disappeared and left me to fend for myself when I was still just 16.

Stupidly i chose to relocate to where she'd moved when I was 23 and tried to rebuild the relationship and support her through her next fuck up, alcoholism.

After almost 5 years of heartache and stress I finally found the strength to go NC. I'm breaking the cycle for my own DC.

Today I had my aunt on the phone chewing my ear off about mums drinking "oh what can we doooo about it. I think you could be more kinder and tolerant, we neeeed to help her"

She caught me unawares as I didn't recognise the number.

I had very little to do with aunt as it were because in her eyes mum can do no wrong and she's a huge enabler.

I reiterated that I want nothing to do with her and it's not my problem anymore.

My aunt continued to whine about how she needs help and what do I suggest.

Once again I said it's not my problem and reminded her of the crap she'd put me through. I said "you do realise she single handedly destroyed my childhood don't you? Why should i do anything for her at all?"

Aunt then went on to justify everything that woman had done to me. The abuse, the abandonment.

"My friend Joice, well her mum threw her out at 13-14 and they have a nice relationship now"

Then..

"She's alot nicer than you make her out to be, your mother"

I told her not to contact me again and I've blocked the number.

Am I "intolerant" or a bad person for finally pulling the plug? She thinks so

Can I also ask though, because I really want to understand, what the hell goes on in the heads of people like this? (My aunt)

How can you justify the abuse of a child then have the audacity to expect that now adult child to continue to walk over broken glass for a POS like that?

Sorry for the rant. I needed to get it out and talk to somebody. I'm due to start therapy in Sept and it can't come soon enough

Yanbu and in fact should be very proud of yourself for setting the boundary and creating a totally different life for yourself without any support. These people are not your responsibility.
Your aunt is trying to get you to step up so she can step down because she isn’t brave enough to take herself out of the situation. It’s often the people who can’t break free who are resentful of those who have, but that’s on them not you.
Change your number and get on with your lovely life.

there was still a large part of me that just wanted my mum, as pathetic as that sounds.

It doesn't. It's normal.

I'm sorry for what happened to you. You deserved to be loved, nurtured and protected.

To be clear, I am not saying the following as justification for what has been done to you but in response to your question.

Reading through all you've said, I can't help but wonder what happened to the two of them growing up. Because your aunt sounds as damaged as your mum in the sense that she sees the profound neglect and abuse you experienced as normal.

You tend to see that sort of thinking in people who were abused themselves. Whether because they never had the opportunity to learn it was not normal or because they need to believe it was normal to cope with their trauma, or both.

There are other reasons for people to be dismissive of course, but given the context (including your mum later using alcohol) this seems entirely probable.

If a child is in an abusive home other abusers gravitate towards that because they can see prey, which leads to repeat victimisation like you experienced. But it also means their family's whole social network may all be abusive or dysfunctional too, hence not being able to understand anything else in your aunt's case and catastrophically failing to parent and protect you in your mum's case.

They may both be too damaged to ever understand.

None of that would make what happened to you ok, if that were the case, but understanding how things came about can sometimes help to process your own trauma and cope.

Thank you all for the kind replies, it really does mean a lot to me. I don't like to be all 'woe is me' in real life but I have never had my trauma validated like I have here.

My aunt likes to think she has moved mountains to help mum to stop drinking but it's all lip service and as PP guessed she always passed the buck my way. She made her a couple of doctors appointments over the telephone but the donkey work always fell to me. The role aunt plays is very much the enabler who mum can run and have a cry to when the nasty daughter has been mean again (IE putting my foot down and asserting boundaries) or when she's run out of money and wants a hot meal. Aunt thrives off it I dare say because she's quite a needy person herself, she likes having mum around even if she is as pissed as a fart.

User16, I completely see what you're saying. I only had 12 years with my grandparents so it's possible there are skeletons in the closet stemming back to before I was born.

It's sad because as bad as I had it as a child, abuse and all, I would always be the first to stand up to child abuse / neglect and cannot fathom condoning it or defending the people to blame, whoever they are.

I suppose you can go either way can't you

Agree with all the other posts.

Whilst nowhere near as terrible as your experiences, I had an emotionally abusive mother, although to all outsiders, she was perceived a wonderful, amazing human being. She was also incredibly good at playing the vulnerable victim. At a family funeral where emotions were already raw, I had two of her friends come up to me to tell me I needed to be a better daughter and give her more support! If only they knew half of the crap I had to put up with from her!

For my own sanity and for my own family, I had to distance myself from her. Luckily, DH, DS and DD had seen the real person behind the image and knew exactly what I was dealing with. I restricted my dealings with her - they were on my terms only so she could not ambush me. It sounds extreme but I had to tip the balance of power in the relationship back in my favour otherwise she still able to maintain emotional control over me.

Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have any duty of care to her. Even if her problems are as a result of a previous trauma in her life, she forfeited the right to have or even expect a parent/child relationship by exposing you to such dangers when you were most vulnerable and continued to do so without clearly any remorse.

You are a strong, brave and well balanced woman in your own right - despite her appalling neglect. You have every right to hold your head up high and reject these manipulations by her minions.

You absolutely do not have to justify yourself OP. I can relate to your frustration though, I get the same about cutting contact with my mother and my history with her is much less overt than yours.

Best of luck with therapy

I remember your previous posts and am really happy that you have managed to protect yourself by going NC.

I actually had a similar argument with a family member a couple of weeks back about my alcoholic mother. I said that it was unforgivable how she had treated me and he had a massive go at me for my lack of compassion. My mum is now dead but that conversation was really painful, like everything I had went through was being dismissed.

Can you limit the contact with your aunt?

Good luck in starting your counselling.

Well done op. Focus on giving your own dc the childhood you should have had.

I did wonder if some of you would remember my previous posts, there were numerous and it took quite a while for me to get to this stage. Mumsnet has been priceless throughout, so I give thanks for that.

I do feel quite proud of myself for finally breaking the cycle as for a long time it felt as though I'd never be able to untangle myself.

My aunt said that she'd tested positive for covid yet despite that, had mum round there a couple of days ago (after the positive result)

Mum is double jabbed but it's still negligent for two women in their mid-late 60s isn't it? That's how deeply entrenched their codependency is, they're prepared to risk transmitting covid, and death, rather than doing right by anybody else.

I have no doubt in my mind that mum won't be isolating now and will be plodding about putting others at risk.

They are idiots.

A few months ago I would have gone into a tail spin at the prospect of mum having covid, it's a strange feeling being this indifferent.

Your aunt sounds like a flying monkey:

www.wellandgood.com/narcissistic-flying-monkeys/

I was thinking that too Violet.

I don't think my mother is a narcissist, she doesn't have the intelligence to be so calculating she's just a perpetually selfish and unfit mother. I find reading the literature helpful regardless as alot can be applied to my own situation.

Aunt most definitely fits the bill for a flying monkey.

It dawned on me today that I really don't have any family left now which is sad but probably a blessing in disguise.

I've always found having a relationship with aunt frustrating so I won't miss it.

Is it possible to be a narcissist if you're very unintelligent? I might be misguided in my assumption but i always thought that to be as manipulative and cunning as a narcissist is, that requires at least average intelligence? (Which my mother doesn't have)

I would maintain NC. You have done well escaping OP. I have had similar issues with a branch of my own family. Children were badly emotionally and physically abused. They cut contact and were pressured to restore contact when a parent was ill (on the grounds they should be caring for them). Justifications raised from it was a long time ago we should "forgive and forget" to "he never hit you that hard" (there were a number of hospital visits involved in this abuse). Maintain NC and extend if you need to. You have a wonderful life ahead of you OP

Thank you Brain, I fully intend to stay on the NC path. I have never been more determined than I am now.

I have a disabled child and I'm 6 months pregnant, I just cannot spare any more energy for those toxic people when my children need me so much more.

I'm so sorry that your family, and others upthread, had such shit examples of relatives. Nobody deserves that.

"oh what can we doooo about it. I think you could be more kinder and tolerant, we neeeed to help her"

“be kind” these days actually means “do what I want and stop standing up for yourself and your own needs”. It’s a phrase used to guilt kind people into submission.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your mother needs to recognise her problem and want help- the only thing you can do is nothing until she hits that point. If your aunt ever contacts you again tell her that. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

@Reallyreallyborednow

"oh what can we doooo about it. I think you could be more kinder and tolerant, we neeeed to help her"

“be kind” these days actually means “do what I want and stop standing up for yourself and your own needs”. It’s a phrase used to guilt kind people into submission.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your mother needs to recognise her problem and want help- the only thing you can do is nothing until she hits that point. If your aunt ever contacts you again tell her that. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

You are absolutely spot on.

I explained that to my aunt, there's nothing that can be done, she replied that there is and that mum could have a 'dry out'

I assume she means detox. So who's going to pay for that then I wonder? The NHS won't and if they did it would be wasted as she hasn't reached the point of not actually wanting to drink. She doesn't want the help.

Aunt will be stuck in that toxic cycle until she dies. Not the way I would want to spend my last 20-25 years of life personally.

You don't owe her anything after the way she abandoned you. And block the auntie too. They are a pair of losers trying to guilt trip you into getting involved in their chaos.

@TheArtfulCodger

Of course you're not being unreasonable. I have relatives with the same "life's too short to hold grudges, can't we all just get on?" attitude. My attitude is "life's too short to waste it on people who don't deserve my time and attention". I'm so sorry you had such an awful and abusive childhood. Stay strong and good luck with your therapy.

That is the best thing I have read here for ages. So true! And I will remember it in future.

They're both blocked now and I've changed their contact names to 'do not engage' just incase I'm ever tempted.

I've got alot of work to do on myself to unpick all the crap but for the first time in a long time it's me I'm focusing on. I'm grieving for my lost childhood / what I should have had and reserving my kindness for my inner child and not my mother.

Its strange how you plod through life thinking you're unaffected by things then it all hits you like a truck later on once you have DC. Its like seeing your life through a whole new lense. Crazy.

Thank you all for the boost and reaffirming I'm on the right track.

No advice but just wanted to say well done! Congratulations on what you have managed so far. You are inspirational! Good luck with therapy.

If you do ever feel the odd pang of guilt or self-doubt, it is great you will be able to remind yourself she has Aunty Enabler to help her out.

Think you may need to go NC with your aunt too

You are doing the right thing for your own children as well as for yourself

I've been through something very similar op. You are NOT the one in the wrong here. You definitely did the right thing. I had to do it or my life would've just been a total disaster / misery forever more and I had a mental health crisis which tipped me over the edge. Starting afresh has been brilliant. Stay strong

I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter if she's a narcissist or not, her behaviour is toxic and aunt is enabling it. Well done for extricating yourself from it, it can't have been easy.

You will be ok, I’m 10 years in to NC now and sometimes I’m sad because I’m the same and don’t really have any family now because of it. BUT I have no drama, no stress and that is heaven! I came across DB at a family funeral a couple years ago and he was drunk as usual and doing everything he could to try to press my buttons. He is angry and frustrated that I won’t engage and angry and frustrated that I wouldn’t react as then he could do the poor me look how awful DSis is to me. All his behaviour did was confirm I have absolutely done the right thing, he is still drinking and still nasty. I have many times had relatives ask if “your talking to him yet” or “over it yet” as if we’ve had a silly row over nothing. The things he did were not nothing, I did so much to try and help, above and beyond what the average person might do and everytime it was thrown back in my face. It culminated in him getting blind drunk and taking my young niece hostage one night. Only immediate family know he did that as they were there that night when Exh had to kick the front door in, as my DM doesn’t want extended family know what happened and what prompted me to go NC I’m painted as unreasonable and unhinged to them and that “they just don’t get on” so I guess even now I bear the burden of his drinking just in another way

Oh OP you’ve suffered so much trauma and adverse childhood experiences growing up… well done for breaking the cycle and stopping that happening to your children.

You don’t owe her anything, your focus is your DC and child on the way…. I hope you have spoken to someone in RL re your trauma?
There are lots of therapies out there that will really help