Does she seem like she doesn’t want to meet me?

[Athena44]

It’s an old colleague who I haven’t seen in a couple of years now. We’ve kept in touch, tried to arrange meet-ups but lockdown made it difficult as we don’t live that close by.

She told me that she had a few days off at the end of May and we had planned a day out then. Then a couple of days before she told me that she was not feeling well, that it wasn’t Covid but she thought she’d better cancel just in case.

I understood and she said she would let me know when she next had days off.

However since then, she hasn’t been in contact unless I have first. It’s been nearly 2 months but she just seems sketchy about it. Surely nobody works 7 days a week? It’s a 2 hour train ride for me to get to hers for the day and I offered to go, I just find it odd.

I’m not going to try anymore and will let her contact me if she wants to meet, she said she was feeling down a few months back, like a lot of people have during this pandemic. But sort of wondering if she just isn’t interested in meeting me anymore.

Also has no children or other commitments like that. I do understand that people’s mental health has been greatly affected but it’s frustrating for me too being pushed away a lot.

Sounds like she's not that bothered. I'd just leave it now too.

It’s strange as it seemed to be her initially that kept asking if I was free in May and trying to plan something. I guess you never know what goes on in people’s minds.

Gonna sound so heartless but I’m just getting sick of hearing “You never know what someone is going through.”
We all get down, is it a reason to just blank and stop bothering with friends.

Is she an anxious person? I know some people don't like to reach out first. Or is she a scatterbrain who forgets to organise things? It might be an innocent reason she's not been in touch yet. If there are signs she's just not bothered then I'd not bother with her.

I have drifted away from old colleagues, people who truly meant so much to me at the time. It just is what happens sometimes (most of the time). I suspect she remains fond of you, but isn’t really interested in meeting up. Think no more of it, and if you hear from her, then that’s ace.

No I don’t think it’s anything to do with that. Anxiety is another excuse bandied around, she could easily find one day or book a day off work or something.
I might be overreacting but I am pretty lonely and trying to make an effort. Sick of being told that I am unreasonable for wanting friendship because of others’ mental health and ‘anxiety’.

It’s weird how she was planning it all then suddenly not interested, but whatever.

Is she menopausal?

I love keeping in touch but really haven't got enough energy to actually talk to someone in person at length.

Nah, she’s only 25 so I doubt it

Agree op I feel unless I chase things up its a no. I guess leave it to her now.. I met a school mam two weeks ago but I told her text me what suited and she did. We met with our dogs for walk

It’s hard when friends do this. I had a similar experience with My bestie of 20+ years. We were inseparable then she started to make excuses and became hard to pin down. She started cancelling and not rearranging. I made a decision not to call her and let her call me but she didn’t. That was the end of the relationship. You could stop chasing her and see what happens but if she doesn’t contact you are left with an empty feeling of no closure. It’s horrible never knowing why. Or you could text her to asking if if she’s ok and if you’ve upset her in any way. At least you will get some explanation.

Ha, ha, nope then.

The upside of being old is that it all becomes easier, as you can't remember or don't care so much.

Look @Athena44 there is no need to go down the route of ‘anxiety is just an excuse’ aka to make her responsible of you not being able to meet up with a friend when you are lonely.

Reality is that, at this moment in time, she doesn’t want to. She very likely sketchy because she can feel you are pushing and she can’t be bothered with the 2 hours journey.

You need to back off if you want to keep her as a friend. And remember that friends aren’t there to make you feel better as such.

I say that as someone who is lonely and have been for a while. Your loneliness is not their responsibility. They have life themselves. Friendship change over time. It’s all part of life.

@Smackthepony

It’s hard when friends do this. I had a similar experience with My bestie of 20+ years. We were inseparable then she started to make excuses and became hard to pin down. She started cancelling and not rearranging. I made a decision not to call her and let her call me but she didn’t. That was the end of the relationship. You could stop chasing her and see what happens but if she doesn’t contact you are left with an empty feeling of no closure. It’s horrible never knowing why. Or you could text her to asking if if she’s ok and if you’ve upset her in any way. At least you will get some explanation.

I don’t think the OP and that woman have been friends for 20+ years if she is only 25yo….

The friend is an old colleague that the OP hadn’t seen for a few years. Not a really close childhood friend iyswim. I don’t think that’s the same.

Your loneliness is not their responsibility. They have life themselves. Friendship change over time. It’s all part of life.

This. You’re quite dismissive of anxiety, OP.

Friendships with work colleagues do peter out eventually I think. The main reason you were friends and the thing you had in common no longer exists. I've had several friendships fade away like that.

I don’t mean to be dismissive. Trust me, I’m a pretty anxious person.
I am just sick of mental health being used as an excuse constantly for people who just can’t be arsed.

I am aware people have lives themselves. I said that I am lonely and getting frustrated by not just this friend but others who are very flaky and being told (on here) that it’s anxiety or whatever.

I'd just leave it. I'm a bit like your ex colleague tbh. I've barely been out for last 18 months, now when I get an invite it all seems like a bit too much. I have a busy life with DC and work, to then not have time to relax at weekends feels too much.

It’s me who offered to make the 2 hour journey to her. I’m disappointed but it’s her loss, I’ll just stop contacting and see if she ever does.

I'd just leave it, tbh. If she does say she wants to meet up then I think she should travel to see you. That would be a good test of whether she wants to see you or not.

But at 25 I think a lot of friendships can be quite transient. You haven't seen her for a couple of years - if you did see her now it could be a couple more years until you see her again. If she's flaky now, she'll be even worse then.

Yeah, I will just leave it. She clearly changed her mind suddenly, I can’t know why.
As a side note “people have their own lives” means nothing.

Everybody has their life, and most involve having friendships. It’s not needy to want friendship and to want to meet up with people.

I wonder if reconnecting during lockdown was a welcome connection and fun distraction, but that now things have opened up, she no longer has the same need for it? Therefore the meet-up has dropped down her priority list. I think people did a lot of looking up old friends, particularly in lockdown 1- maybe searching for comfort in things in the past, "when it was all ok".

Sounds like you're doing all the running, OP. Would it work for you to be decisive and just tell her/him you've booked a train and are visiting their town and would they like to join you? Is it an area that would be interesting to visit in its own right (tourism, culture, shopping etc)?

Finally, some of the expats I work with use a site called "meet up". It's for people who are new to an area or wanting to make new friends, or do new things.

Meet up is a good idea, I’ve recently joined too so hopefully I can meet new people.

I could do that, but she’ll probably say she’s working or something.

I’ll just not contact her again as I have asked twice now if she’s free, it’s her turn if she wants to ever, but I need to move on.