Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Does she seem like she doesn’t want to meet me?

57 replies

Athena44 · 27/07/2021 18:05

It’s an old colleague who I haven’t seen in a couple of years now. We’ve kept in touch, tried to arrange meet-ups but lockdown made it difficult as we don’t live that close by.

She told me that she had a few days off at the end of May and we had planned a day out then. Then a couple of days before she told me that she was not feeling well, that it wasn’t Covid but she thought she’d better cancel just in case.

I understood and she said she would let me know when she next had days off.

However since then, she hasn’t been in contact unless I have first. It’s been nearly 2 months but she just seems sketchy about it. Surely nobody works 7 days a week? It’s a 2 hour train ride for me to get to hers for the day and I offered to go, I just find it odd.

I’m not going to try anymore and will let her contact me if she wants to meet, she said she was feeling down a few months back, like a lot of people have during this pandemic. But sort of wondering if she just isn’t interested in meeting me anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Athena44 · 27/07/2021 19:56

Also it’s not something that has faded over time, my point was that she was trying to meet up and making these plans then suddenly couldn’t and hasn’t seemed to be free since

OP posts:

iwouldlikearefundonmybody · 27/07/2021 20:03

A friend of mine who I classed as a best friend did this. Told me she had covid symptoms cancelled our meet, then when I next contacted her, three days later she was going on holiday. It's actually made me really angry.

Saoirse82 · 27/07/2021 20:04

I think you care too much about this friendship which is likely to be pushing her away. I've had times where its felt like I've been hounded to meet up (not by best friends imo) but I'm busy with life and the more someone pushes it makes me feel like they might be a bit too needy. That might make me sound a bit mean but people have their own stuff going on too. Focus on other friendships and let this person come to you, you might find that when you pull back that shes more open to meeting up.

daisypond · 27/07/2021 20:08

She could easily not have had a few days off since May. I wouldn’t count weekends.

Peakypolly · 27/07/2021 20:16

I know I am guilty of behaving like your friend. I love the idea of arranging a meet up/event but when it gets closer I just can't be bothered. I can't blame anxiety, it just suddenly seems a huge effort.
I wouldn't take it personally but equally I would realise your friend does not see you as a priority.

Original poster

Athena44 · 27/07/2021 20:18

I too have my own life, but I feel like I’m nobody’s priority. What’s wrong with wanting a close friendship where the person considers you as important and not just an afterthought? None of these people have children, it’s really not hard to make the time in your life if you want to, and I guess they don’t.
Anxiety is very real and a valid reason but I’m sick of hearing it pedalled out to excuse every single flaky person. It’s highly unlikely that they’re all collectively going through some huge trauma.

OP posts:

pinkcircustop · 27/07/2021 20:36

What’s wrong with wanting a close friendship where the person considers you as important and not just an afterthought?

Nothing, but she wasn’t a close friend. She was just a colleague.

sauceyorange · 27/07/2021 20:37

It sounds like you're pretty angry with her. Maybe she senses that and doesn't want to be confronted with it.

I'm sorry you're lonely. It's not her job to sort that out, though. Sorry

TSSDNCOP · 27/07/2021 20:38

Let's try this from another perspective (mine in the example). To many people my life is charmed and I have many friends. The reality is that I am acutely unhappy at the moment in a way that meeting up with a friend is the last thing I can bring myself to do. I have had to explicitly tell some good friends that I just cannot see them at the moment, and will be in touch when I can. I love them, but I literally cannot speak to more than a small handful of people that are in the know. Every one of these lovely people have told me they will be waiting for me. I take great comfort in that.

So, my advice is ask her if she is ok. Tell her you're worried about her, and that when the time is right you'll be ready and waiting for her.

Original poster

Athena44 · 28/07/2021 04:14

Believe it or not, a colleague can also be a close friend.

Not angry with her no, just a bit down about making friends in general and sick of being told ‘well people have their own lives’ when some people manage to meet up with friends every week.

OP posts:

UnsuitableHat · 28/07/2021 04:35

Of course a colleague can be a close friend, and it’s not unreasonable to want to see that person and keep the friendship alive.
The cancelling and flakiness would annoy me too (however legit), but some people are a bit like that, on top of which it’s been a funny old year. Give her a chance - keep in touch with her, keep the friendship alive, but don’t put too much pressure on meeting up for now.

Antwerpen · 28/07/2021 04:49

@Athena44

Also it’s not something that has faded over time, my point was that she was trying to meet up and making these plans then suddenly couldn’t and hasn’t seemed to be free since

You sound rather obsessive OP

pinkcircustop · 28/07/2021 04:50

Believe it or not, a colleague can also be a close friend.

They can, but the reality is that this one isn’t.

wigjuice · 28/07/2021 04:57

You don't give a shit about what is going on with her. Basically it's all about you and you having a friend. I reckon she has you sussed and is avoiding you, take the hint and stop whinging.

icedcoffees · 28/07/2021 05:40

@Athena44

Believe it or not, a colleague can also be a close friend.

Not angry with her no, just a bit down about making friends in general and sick of being told ‘well people have their own lives’ when some people manage to meet up with friends every week.

In my experience, the vast majority of work-related friendships tend to fade out once you stop working together.

Yes, it's sad but it's relatively normal and just what happens in life. You don't keep the same friends forever.

I'm sorry you're feeling down but it's not someone else's responsibility to fix your loneliness. She doesn't want to meet up and that should be respected - she shouldn't be made to feel like a bad person for it.

Original poster

Athena44 · 28/07/2021 05:41

Ok. These last replies are just pointless and a waste of time. How do you know she wasn’t a close friend, do you know either of us? Not much more to gain from this thread

OP posts:

wigjuice · 28/07/2021 06:01

@Athena44

Ok. These last replies are just pointless and a waste of time. How do you know she wasn’t a close friend, do you know either of us? Not much more to gain from this thread

Well with your pushy attitude, it's hardly surprising she doesn't want to stay friends and is avoiding you.

MrsBumm · 28/07/2021 06:14

People have always used polite excuses not to do stuff. Anxiety is today's 'get out of jail free excuse in a way, so I understand why you are frustrated. But you'd be just as annoyed if people said maybe she didn't have money to go out or was too busy or whatever.

People do prioritise friendships but they also say a lot of stuff. You have to take everyone gently and lightly and just watch what they do rather than blaming them for saying this or that or being flaky. You are a bit upset because you've got your hopes up so you need to find ways to make friends while taking the whole thing a bit less to heart.

Marshmallow44 · 28/07/2021 06:18

I think the wig in juice person is just a troll who likes trying to wind people up.

wigjuice · 28/07/2021 06:31

@Marshmallow44

I think the wig in juice person is just a troll who likes trying to wind people up.

Nope I'm just me. All I get from the op is she doesn't like excuses about anxiety, mental health, things that people are going through etc, she never once thinks it could be something she has done to make her 'friend' avoid her. A bit of self inflection maybe needed here. Btw it's a very stunted attitude from yourself to call me a troll just because you don't like my replies and have fuck all else to come back with. You'll be calling me Karen next!

Jammysod · 28/07/2021 06:56

@Athena44

I don’t mean to be dismissive. Trust me, I’m a pretty anxious person. I am just sick of mental health being used as an excuse constantly for people who just can’t be arsed.

I don't think I'd want to meet up with someone with this attitude either, especially if I was struggling with my mental health.

Weirdwonders · 28/07/2021 08:17

I do think it is the responsibility of people to support their lonely friends, actually. I think we’ve shifted too far towards prioritising ourselves over others. Sometimes doing something to support a friend will make you feel better than sitting at home ‘prioritising your mental health’ when the reality is you just can’t be arsed. And believe me I know what anxiety is.

Clappingforjoy · 28/07/2021 08:30

Can I ask who karen is i saw her mentioned on another thread

Clappingforjoy · 28/07/2021 08:32

Anyway this is life just find your own enjoyment in life and leave everybody else to it.

wigjuice · 28/07/2021 08:33

@Clappingforjoy

Can I ask who karen is i saw her mentioned on another thread

Next door but 3s sister in laws, aunties, best friends sister, but she's thinking of changing her name

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread