Wedding Guest

[GreenFly56]

COVID bride here! 2020 wedding was decimated by coronavirus restrictions and didn't go ahead. At short notice (3 weeks ish), DH and I decided we were going to have a very small wedding as we didn't know when the situation would improve. We chose somewhere remote to have our ceremony and only invited v close family and friends on the basis of the restrictions but also being aware of the remoteness - ie. you would need a day either side to travel. My sibling did not attend as was busy at work and felt their manager would not approve the time off. I was disappointed because I find it hard to believe that with over 2 weeks notice, an employer would not be able to grant 3 days leave during a time when most people had work holidays stacked up for a wedding and if the situation was reversed, there is no way I would have missed siblings wedding however, the day went ahead and DH+I had a great time.

When we planned the ceremony last year, DH+I had planned to have a blessing at our local church where we had originally planned to marry and then a reception, once things had improved. We had loosely scheduled this in for October and sent out invites a while back. Sibling now lives France and requested confirmation nearer the time that the day would go ahead. I contacted recently to confirm that it would be. Sibling advised that October is a very busy month at work, and there are meetings booked that cannot be missed (sibling works from home full time so if it wasn't for the meetings, they could have worked from home here). If quarantine is still in place for Europeans visiting UK, they will not be able to attend as it would mean missing the meetings.

The restrictions are out with siblings control and I appreciate it is not a 'proper wedding' however, I wouldn't dream of missing siblings wedding - particularly under the circumstances and that I would have missed the first one. I am very hurt by their whole attitude towards the situation. AIBU to be upset?! I feel like saying that although things are going ahead, we are still restricted on numbers due to social distancing and the size of the venue so if that is their attitude I would rather give their invite to someone who actually wants to come.

Sorry OP, YABU, even with the drip feed

YABU, OP. Even more so with the drip feed which just confirmed for me that you have money and no clue about the real world.

I find it hard to believe that with over 2 weeks notice, an employer would not be able to grant 3 days leave

What job do you do that you find it difficult to believe? Some people have to plan their vacation for the whole year in advance. Some teams will already have people on vacation so last minute vacation can't be granted. Or projects are at a critical stage. Or vacation isn't being allowed with so many people having to isolate. And I could go on.

I find it hard to believe that with over 2 weeks notice, an employer would not be able to grant 3 days leave

Totally believable. Many require a month's notice for a day's leave and it still might not be granted depending on size of organization etc

If I asked my boss for 3 days off in two weeks at the minute they’d probably laugh at me. We’ve never been busier and holiday is now one month minimum notice for anything more than one day. Even a day is 2 weeks notice! They also can’t do anything about restrictions and it’s a lot to ask them to risk having to isolate. Yes, you’re being unreasonable.

@pleasedonttextmyman

I find it hard to believe that with over 2 weeks notice, an employer would not be able to grant 3 days leave

I sympathise, but YABU, you clearly don't have a clue about the real world.

I agree, you have no idea how hard it is to get leave in some places. I will shortly be booking my leave from 2022 to 2023! Once granted there is little room to manoeuvre!

We got married last week. 35 minute drive away. We put on mini busses

Both my siblings brought their cars and left, with their families after the meal. I had no idea either planned to do this until a couple of days before. Both just said they had things to do / were tired.

My oldest siblings' wedding was 4 hours away and involved a 2 night hotel stay.

Neither gave us a gift, only one of them gave us a card.

I've not said a word and won't but I cant deny I'm hurt. There are expectations from siblings and weddings.

I think maybe they aren't that bothered? I mean that gently as my brother couldn't care less about me.

I know what you mean about the leave too OP as my employer is very flexible and I can give short notice. I know someone who has provide their leave requests in the September for the following year. Sounds crazy to me but employers have their own rules

What stuck out to me here is that your sibling didn't actually even request leave last time - is that correct?

I'd have been very hurt by them not trying. I wonder if that is colouring your response to them not being able to make October. I think they're re not being unreasonable there, and maybe you're being a little unrealistic about what an average employer would allow.

We arranged a wedding around when key people could attend (including siblings), as a higher priority than the 'right' venue or time of year. I appreciate the pandemic has made it all so much harder though.

I think if they knew the date of the wedding in advance and still booked meetings in for those dates, then that's shit as they obviously never intended to come.

How do you know they booked the meetings? Our bosses put meetings (non negotiable) in our diaries all the time.

I think the whole blessing and reception thing is a bit funny TBH.

Even with the drip feed YABU.

Sometimes with my work I’m able to book time off last minute, but at other times it’s a complete no-go.

Likewise you say that you’d “Loosely scheduled” for October, when that’s a peak time for your sibling.

I have peak times for my work and there’s no way I could vaguely pencil in some time off but say it may need to change for whenever my sibling bothered to confirm. I also have a number of important meetings I have to attend which I have no control over when they get scheduled (especially with such a vague “loose” date to aim to avoid).

It seems like I am being over sensitive though

Not over sensitive, no. Just self absorbed and with a total lack of awareness of other people’s work situation!

TBH, its not that they can't come, if restrictions change, I get it. I just think its hurtful to say sorry I can't come, I have a meeting 2 days later when they has known about the event since the beginning of the year.

But has s/he known about the meetings since the beginning of the year? I doubt it. Also, s/he hasn’t said ‘I can’t come’ - it’s ‘I won’t be able to come if I have to quarantine’. That’s very different. A lot of people will have to deal with that kind of uncertainty.

If your sibling had neglected to tell you that October is always busy and that they were always going to struggle to get leave, you might have a point. But you can’t always know when you’ll be busy - and when quarantine is thrown into the mix, it’s an major added complication. For example, if someone asked me to take time off in January, I’d have to say no chance. If they said May, I’d have said fine - but this May ended up being my busiest month ever. I couldn’t have predicted it, or prevented it.

I wouldn’t be traveling or taking time off work either for a wedding that isn’t a wedding as the couple have been married for some time. You’ve already made your vows so why the need for a second event? Personally I’d wonder if it was for the gifts, social media pics or just to have the whole big day.

Yeah, with your update, I'll say it again - they don't want to come!

YABU and you know it deep down.

In the world of job insecurity due to a global pandemic no employee is wanting to rock any boat with their employers.

They've said they can't come, that's fine. They are busy. They are a sibling and as sad as it is they need to ensure their income and life.

It's sad, but that's just the way it is. They aren't coming because the dislike you or your husband or a falling out, they simply just can't make it because of a multitude of reasonable reasons, work, life, pandemic and diary.

@pleasedonttextmyman

I find it hard to believe that with over 2 weeks notice, an employer would not be able to grant 3 days leave

I sympathise, but YABU, you clearly don't have a clue about the real world.

My work only allocates holiday once a year - it would be an absolute ballache to even attempt to request to shuffle my allowance at 2 weeks notice. My dp is, a teacher, zero holiday allowance in term time except for one day for close relative wedding/funeral (sibling/parent/child, no travel days allowed)

YABU

You are beyond unreasonable.

First of all in the middle of a global,pandemic you choose your wedding venue in a place so remote it takes two days to get there and back . Are you related to Dominic Cummings by any chance?

Then you whinge because your sibling can’t get the time of work with two weeks notice. Because they can’t. They told you that but you clearly don’t believe them .

Now , knowing that travel arrangements change hourly and are likely to do so for some time , you moan that your poor sibling now based in France , can’t come to the blessing and reception neither of which actually need to be held urgently because , guess what, the wedding and presumably the wedding breakfast have already taken place.

Calm down. You did the important bit. Think about a blessing and party to celebrate your anniversary, or midsummer, or the cats birthday or something for next year instead. Book it early so everyone has plenty of notice and stop being a postweddingbridezilla.

But hasn't your sibling only said they couldn't come IF the restrictions were still in place? Which is completely legitimate.

Good spot @girlmom21 . It's entirely reasonable not to travel somewhere if it requires quarantining at either end.

You’re already married. This is a party, basically. You’re expecting your sibling to take time off work, and travel from abroad, to come to a party. YABVU.

The ceremony is just a party if you’ve been married some time? People often decline invitations to ‘wedding ceremonies’ that aren’t weddings, particularly if there’s a lot of travel involved, childcare to sort, expensive gifts expected. Plus it’s week days so she’d have to clear it with bosses, use up AL when there’s a good chance borders could be locked down again or even be forced to pay extortionate quarantine fees on top of her travel and accommodation costs.

It’s not a wedding when you’re already married and people often feel awkward trying to pretend it is. It’s a shame she missed the real wedding ceremony but these things happen, especially in a pandemic.

"I find it hard to believe that with over 2 weeks notice, an employer would not be able to grant 3 days leave"

I used to have to apply for my summer leave (any leave) by the Easter of the same year to get the days I wanted. Even then it wasn't guaranteed.
I might be able to get an occasional day at short notice depending on others holidays but most often not.
Getting three days with two weeks notice in summer months would never happen, every mum with school aged children puts in for these dates the moment the new financial year begins.

I'm self employed and have control over how i schedule things, and while I would definitely have three days that I could take off with two weeks notice, they might not be together and it's massively unlikely they would coincide with sometime else's plans.

YABU.