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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding Guest

88 replies

GreenFly56 · 27/07/2021 13:11

COVID bride here! 2020 wedding was decimated by coronavirus restrictions and didn't go ahead. At short notice (3 weeks ish), DH and I decided we were going to have a very small wedding as we didn't know when the situation would improve. We chose somewhere remote to have our ceremony and only invited v close family and friends on the basis of the restrictions but also being aware of the remoteness - ie. you would need a day either side to travel. My sibling did not attend as was busy at work and felt their manager would not approve the time off. I was disappointed because I find it hard to believe that with over 2 weeks notice, an employer would not be able to grant 3 days leave during a time when most people had work holidays stacked up for a wedding and if the situation was reversed, there is no way I would have missed siblings wedding however, the day went ahead and DH+I had a great time.

When we planned the ceremony last year, DH+I had planned to have a blessing at our local church where we had originally planned to marry and then a reception, once things had improved. We had loosely scheduled this in for October and sent out invites a while back. Sibling now lives France and requested confirmation nearer the time that the day would go ahead. I contacted recently to confirm that it would be. Sibling advised that October is a very busy month at work, and there are meetings booked that cannot be missed (sibling works from home full time so if it wasn't for the meetings, they could have worked from home here). If quarantine is still in place for Europeans visiting UK, they will not be able to attend as it would mean missing the meetings.

The restrictions are out with siblings control and I appreciate it is not a 'proper wedding' however, I wouldn't dream of missing siblings wedding - particularly under the circumstances and that I would have missed the first one. I am very hurt by their whole attitude towards the situation. AIBU to be upset?! I feel like saying that although things are going ahead, we are still restricted on numbers due to social distancing and the size of the venue so if that is their attitude I would rather give their invite to someone who actually wants to come.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2021 13:44

YABU. You either care about the people at your wedding or you care about the location. You’re in the latter camp and don’t seem to have given a shit how inconvenient it was for people to go somewhere so annoying at such short notice. This sibling didn’t attend but I bet plenty of others who did really resented it.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 27/07/2021 13:44

Yabvu. I used to work somewhere where you couldn't get leave unless it was booked in a year in advance and even then it was difficult.
I also thinks its unreasonable to expect somone to come from france for a wedding during a pendemic.

yikesanotherbooboo · 27/07/2021 13:48

We have to give 6 weeks notice and take into account who is away and who will cover.

OhNoNoNoNoNo · 27/07/2021 13:48

I think YABU - can you ask her what dates would suit her.

Lemonyfuckit · 27/07/2021 13:48

As you say - not just 3 days leave at two weeks' notice - but at a time when most people have holidays stacked up. It's summer, lots of people have holidays booked in, two weeks is pretty short notice for an employer who with the best will in the world may just have too many other staff already booked off.

Chloemol · 27/07/2021 13:50

YABU

You have no idea if reality in a working place do you, no way would my firm be able to give three days off to someone with two weeks notice.

Likewise if October is a leak month business wise for your sibling, it’s a peak month, end of. Would you be happy they have a telephone meeting in the middle of your reception as they needed to work

Ok they can’t come, but sad but move on

Just10moreminutesplease · 27/07/2021 13:50

I think I’d be more hurt if my sibling chose to get married at short notice despite the fact that I couldn’t make it.

Formaldeheidi · 27/07/2021 13:52

Sorry OP, I wouldn’t be coming either. I need at least 4 weeks notice and wouldn’t even entertain travelling abroad this year. It’s too uncertain to tell whether you’ll lose money or end up having to quarantine which I simply wouldn’t be able to do. You need to include your sisters circumstances in your planning. If you can’t do that, then you need to suck it up.

Hopdathelf · 27/07/2021 13:55

Apart from the fact I don’t have a sibling getting married I could have written this. Any leave without a month’s notice is for genuine emergencies only and work meetings are part of the job: if you can’t go to them you can’t do the job so you book leave at other times, ensure cover for emergencies. A CF sibling deciding to get married at short notice then do it all again a few months later is not an emergency.

pinkcircustop · 27/07/2021 13:55

YABVU. Two weeks notice is extremely short and very few people would be able to get three days off.

ravelston · 27/07/2021 13:56

YANBU to be upset but YABVU to not believe that 2 weeks notice is enough to book 3 days off.
I have just had to submit my request for summer holidays for next year.

Muchasgracias · 27/07/2021 13:59

YABU.

2 weeks notice is not enough time for many businesses to schedule holiday cover/client care/move meetings/deadlines etc. Do you work? You sound clueless.

It’s not your siblings fault at all that they missed the first wedding.

The reason they can’t attend the second wedding is really down to quarantine rules. You have chosen to go ahead at a time covid restrictions are still prohibitative for EU guests. What would you do differently to your sibling? Would you travel, Miss important meetings and risk your job just for 1 day, witnessing a sibling celebrate their wedding when they are already in fact married.

Why not do the right thing and let your sibling know you understand their predicament and plan a celebratory meal for when you are next together?

Original poster
GreenFly56 · 27/07/2021 14:01

sorry just to clear up, the wedding last year, I was disappointed but I accept. It doesn't sounds like it but siblings work are actually very flexible and they regularly take time off at short notice. There is no requirement to give a months notice etc. my AIBU is not connected to this day though.

The event in October has been booked since the start of 2021. Sibling asked for the event to be confirmed closer to the time to confirm it was going ahead. It is on a Saturday. I had assumed that they would have put in any annual leave requests when they were originally invited.

There are no issues with the cost of travel, sibling is high earning and we are fortunate to have family money, so even if they just didn't want to pay, it would be covered.

TBH, its not that they can't come, if restrictions change, I get it. I just think its hurtful to say sorry I can't come, I have a meeting 2 days later when they has known about the event since the beginning of the year.

It seems like I am being over sensitive though.

OP posts:
MySecretHistory · 27/07/2021 14:03

A bridezilla when it isn't even a wedding just a party.

Frymetothemoon · 27/07/2021 14:04

I really wanted my sister at my wedding so I worked round her (considerable) constraints

Original poster
GreenFly56 · 27/07/2021 14:06

Also, sibling has been travelling during the pandemic so whilst I appreciate that some people would not be comfortable, they do not fall into that category.

OP posts:
cookiesandcreamm · 27/07/2021 14:06

I just think its hurtful to say sorry I can't come

Not sure what else you expect them to say?
They've told you straight.

crazymicrowave123 · 27/07/2021 14:14

YABU for drip feeding

DeciduousPerennial · 27/07/2021 14:17

Seriously? You can’t believe that with 2 weeks notice an employer might say no to 3 days leave?

And the blessing you’re having this October is going to be over a year after your actual wedding, and you can’t fathom why someone who lives in another country at a time when things are STILL pretty volatile on the travel/quarantine front might be finding it difficult to commit to something that’s bang in the middle their busiest time at work?

I think (without additional detail about your sibling’s workplace and how likely they are to approve short notice leave requests) YABU on both fronts.

DeciduousPerennial · 27/07/2021 14:18

All that info would have been much more useful in the OP.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/07/2021 14:18

I think if they knew the date of the wedding in advance and still booked meetings in for those dates, then that's shit as they obviously never intended to come. If I had something important I'd be keeping those dates free til much nearer the time. I'd be asking why they booked essential meetings on the date of your wedding to be honest. And I dont think it matters that the reception is not at a similar time to the wedding, it's hardly your fault that it worked out like that

Saoirse82 · 27/07/2021 14:18

YABU about them missing the original wedding but I don't think you're BU about the 2nd date given the update you posted. And for a PP saying that the day is only important to the people getting married and nobody else thats total BS, what a horribly negative attitude to have, I was as excited about my sisters wedding as I was for my own.

Jerseygirl12 · 27/07/2021 14:19

YANBU to feel upset but you are 100 % U about everything else.

Rainbowshit · 27/07/2021 14:21

YABU 3 days off work with two weeks notice would be hard for most people!

Youseethethingis · 27/07/2021 14:23

When we were planning our wedding at relatively short notice (7 month engagement which I got pregnant celebrating Grin) we consulted parents and siblings (holiday were already booked etc.) and arrived at a few dates that would work.
Then we looked at venues that were accessible for everyone.
Then we booked our wedding.
Most people could make it but those who couldn't were not our non negotiables who we had previously consulted.
If you prioritise the other way around then you don't get to be all pissy when people can't just snap into line.