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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids behaviour

60 replies

Clare1509 · 27/07/2021 12:29

Hi all, I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable in my expectation of my partners kids behaviour? I’m quite a strict parent so don’t know if my expectations are just completely unrealistic. I find the kids (12 & 10) to be quite rude and ungrateful. Some examples of their behaviour is below-

They don’t say thank you when people give them gifts, and will often say ‘I don’t like that’ or make a face to show they don’t like it.

Come int rooms when the door is closed, I was changing once and said if the door is closed please knock before coming in- the response (from the 10yo) was well you don’t knock on my door.

Their table manners are shocking, they will spit food out onto the plate, say how ‘nasty’ food that has been cooked is, chew with their mouths open.

General rudeness to adults, they do not seem to have any sort of respect for anyone and will talk to adults as if they are their peers.

This is only a handful of stuff but I don’t know if my expectations are just unreasonable and this is acceptable?

OP posts:
fruitpastillelolly · 27/07/2021 12:34

I think they're of an age where you should knock on their doors before entering.

But the rest is just poor behaviour that has failed to be addressed when they were younger. What does their dad say/think/do about it?

pinkcircustop · 27/07/2021 12:38

Respect goes both ways, so you should be knocking on their door before entering.

It’s also okay for them to say they don’t like gifts - how else will people to know to get them something they like? Gifting is about the receiver, not the gifter, but they absolutely should be saying thank you.

Datingandnoideahowto · 27/07/2021 12:39

They should be saying thank you abs you should be knocking their door.

Carrotinsaladiswrong · 27/07/2021 12:41

I mean, they’ve got you on the door thing.

MrsN100 · 27/07/2021 12:43

They sound very rude and bad mannered. I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that in my home.

BrilliantBetty · 27/07/2021 12:45

Do you think you might just be easily irritated.

Surely it's not the norm for pre teens to have impeccable table manners etc.

And it's normal now for kids to speak to adults as friends. Things are casual. No more 'yes sir no sir' calling adults 'Mr /mrs'. Thank god. Not sure what you are expecting, really.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2021 12:46

You dont knock on their door?

icedcoffees · 27/07/2021 12:48

They don’t say thank you when people give them gifts, and will often say ‘I don’t like that’ or make a face to show they don’t like it.

This is rude and they are old enough to know better. They don't have to like the gifts they're given, but they need to smile and say thank you.

Come int rooms when the door is closed, I was changing once and said if the door is closed please knock before coming in- the response (from the 10yo) was well you don’t knock on my door.

Your 10yo has a point - they're at an age where they need privacy. Why should they knock on your door when you don't give them the same courtesy in return?

Their table manners are shocking, they will spit food out onto the plate, say how ‘nasty’ food that has been cooked is, chew with their mouths open.

This is bad - but what have you done to instil decent table manners in them? If I'd behaved like that at the table as a kid, I'd have been sent to bed hungry!

General rudeness to adults, they do not seem to have any sort of respect for anyone and will talk to adults as if they are their peers.

What do you mean by rudeness? I don't think it's very common anymore to treat adults differently to how you'd treat your peers, tbh.

BlatantlyNameChanged · 27/07/2021 12:51

You should knock on their door before going in. As for the rest, go back to basics. Model the behaviour you want to see in them so that they have plenty of examples of what is acceptable, remind them of what to say/do in any given situation just like you would when they were younger and you'd prompt them (e.g., Aunt Sue gives them a gift "and what do we say...?"), meal times at the table so they can copy table manners.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/07/2021 12:57

@BrilliantBetty

Do you think you might just be easily irritated.

Surely it's not the norm for pre teens to have impeccable table manners etc.

And it's normal now for kids to speak to adults as friends. Things are casual. No more 'yes sir no sir' calling adults 'Mr /mrs'. Thank god. Not sure what you are expecting, really.

It probably isn’t the norm for pre-teens to have absolutely impeccable table manners, @BrilliantBetty - but spitting food out onto the table is not a minor breach of table manners - it is rude and disgusting, and it is not at all unreasonable to expect children to know it’s rude.
DelurkingAJ · 27/07/2021 12:57

I’ve started to knock on DS1’s door if it’s shut.

Table manners is something I’ve addressed incrementally here (we’re down to endless reminders to chew with your mouth shut).

The gift one I wouldn’t tolerate and DSs are 8 and 5.

Rudeness is difficult without knowing exact details…people are more casual now.

Notaroadrunner · 27/07/2021 12:59

What does your dp do to address these issues? If it's nothing then I'd be rethinking your relationship with him, as things won't get any better if they are not pulled up on their behaviour.

OhhHelloThere · 27/07/2021 13:02

I think the door knock should happen both ways.

But I do find them rude and their table manners are disgusting. I wonder if they do it at school?

My DN's are very very rude and I dread what's going to come out their mouth. One is slightly older so is actually more polite but the youngest is so rude. I looked after him so his parents could work one day and I was repeatedly told he doesn't like me so not sure why he had to be there. He doesn't like my house. He finds time with me very boring and 3 months after I had given birth he asked me if I was still pregnant with a smirk on his face as his mum doesn't look pregnant anymore. My sister just says well clearly you make them like that Confused. She is really dismissive of his behaviour. It's actually disgusting and shocking.

Oceanbliss · 27/07/2021 13:02

Children learn from example. So, demonstrate the respect that you want to receive. Like knocking on their door before you enter.

As for their blatant honesty when receiving gifts and eating food, well for me honesty is something I value quite highly. However, there are respectful ways of being honest. Seems like they just need a little guidance on how to be honest in a tactful and respectful way.

I’m not a fan of teaching children that they should lie or pretend to like something as some kind of misguided belief it’s a form of respect. It isn’t self respect to be dishonest because of pressure to do so.

Children are still learning (we adults are still learning too) and so be a good example, offer helpful guidance, take on board their constructive criticism and don’t judge them harshly for having been taught different values than what you taught your own children.

All families have their own values, traditions and culture. That’s ok.

OhhHelloThere · 27/07/2021 13:03

He also said I should be sorting my toddler out and not talking to my other sister so my DP can go and play with him and I'm a lazy mum.

DP was changing DS's nappy whilst I was having a cup of tea with my sister. Again, nothing said.

Lou98 · 27/07/2021 13:05

As others have said, if you're insisting they knock on your door, you should be doing the same for them and knocking if the door is closed.

Respect goes both ways, I don't like the attitude some people have of assuming kids should always show adults respect, even when they're not shown the same respect. (Not saying that's you OP, just in general)

The rest of it is definitely not okay but is for your partner to address. Have you spoken to him about it? Are you sure they're not just acting up around you - are they happy about your relationship with their dad?

Maggiesfarm · 27/07/2021 13:14

@fruitpastillelolly

I think they're of an age where you should knock on their doors before entering.

But the rest is just poor behaviour that has failed to be addressed when they were younger. What does their dad say/think/do about it?

I agree. Knock before entering.

They must learn to say thank you for a gift and to keep quiet about not liking it because the giver has done their best (usually).

When at the table they must observe some basic manners which are not at all difficult to understand.

Hopefully it will all work out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2021 13:19

I’d judge their parent. Some of that is completely unacceptable.

Do they have friends?

Pissinthepottyplease · 27/07/2021 13:27

@OhhHelloThere

He also said I should be sorting my toddler out and not talking to my other sister so my DP can go and play with him and I'm a lazy mum.

DP was changing DS's nappy whilst I was having a cup of tea with my sister. Again, nothing said.

Wrong thread?
Warrickdaviesasplates · 27/07/2021 13:38

Most of that behaviour does sound incredibly rude to me, even my two year old knows to say "Ta" when given something.

Spitting food out is unacceptable and disgusting and should be addressed as soon as it happens.

The door thing they are right about though, you should knock on their door before coming into their room, respect does work both ways and you can't expect them to respect you and your privacy if they aren't afforded any privacy or respect in return.

What does your DP do when they act like this? Are you both on the same page or does your DP think that their behaviour is fine and doesn't need addressing.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 27/07/2021 13:39

@Pissinthepottyplease that PP is just sharing their own experience with their rude nephew.

Summersun2020 · 27/07/2021 13:42

They sound vile and PPs defending them clearly have similarly rude children. Disgusting behaviour on all parts, I’d be mortified if my children behaved like this.

Summersun2020 · 27/07/2021 13:42

(And no my kids aren’t perfect but they’re generally polite and aware not to be unkind)

Ismellyou · 27/07/2021 13:43

Have you spoken to your partner? As they're his dc, does he feel the same as you?

Ismellyou · 27/07/2021 13:44

But I agree they sound rude and that behaviour needs to be addressed and isn't acceptable at all.

The door thing is easily corrected but the manners will take time to change