Kids behaviour

[Clare1509]

Hi all, I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable in my expectation of my partners kids behaviour? I’m quite a strict parent so don’t know if my expectations are just completely unrealistic. I find the kids (12 & 10) to be quite rude and ungrateful. Some examples of their behaviour is below-

They don’t say thank you when people give them gifts, and will often say ‘I don’t like that’ or make a face to show they don’t like it.

Come int rooms when the door is closed, I was changing once and said if the door is closed please knock before coming in- the response (from the 10yo) was well you don’t knock on my door.

Their table manners are shocking, they will spit food out onto the plate, say how ‘nasty’ food that has been cooked is, chew with their mouths open.

General rudeness to adults, they do not seem to have any sort of respect for anyone and will talk to adults as if they are their peers.

This is only a handful of stuff but I don’t know if my expectations are just unreasonable and this is acceptable?

Saying thank you is a must - if they don't like a present, they can talk about that away from the giver. However, expecting a smiling poker face when they're disappointed isn't 100% reasonable.

Spitting out food - hard no.

If you expect them to knock on your closed door, you should knock on theirs.

Speaking to adults as if they were peers - what are you expecting here? It really depends. If you're expecting constant deference and 'yes, sir/no sir' then that is unreasonable. They're of an age to have opinions and ideas. However, those ideas should be expressed appropriately to the conversation.

@OhhHelloThere

He also said I should be sorting my toddler out and not talking to my other sister so my DP can go and play with him and I'm a lazy mum.

DP was changing DS's nappy whilst I was having a cup of tea with my sister. Again, nothing said.

Wow that is next level insolence

Disgusting manners.
If they are ungrateful with gifts they do not get anymore.
Were they not taught to be thankful?
Chewing and not spitting food out is something taught at a young age..

I had a brilliant thank you technique they might get on board with, may be too late by their age though.

You practice finding the good in or a use for everything so even if the present is underwhelming you can find something nice to say about it. Do it together and practice the week before their birthday and Christmas.

For example they "gift" you a sock 3 sizes too small.

You might say "oh thanks, I love the pattern on the top of this sock"

You gift them a slice of cheese

They might say "oh thanks, this will go really well with a burger"

I will say that my son is possibly autistic and he struggles with a lot of these things (hiding his true feelings about presents and food, saying things others consider to be rude, not understanding dynamics between adults and children etc)

[quote Warrickdaviesasplates]@Pissinthepottyplease that PP is just sharing their own experience with their rude nephew. [/quote]
That makes sense now. Thank you

I had to show my parents (and all adults) respect but was not given any in exchange. For example when I was a young adult of 16 and working my mother used to open my letters, go though my drawer to see how much money I had (so she could ask to borrow it) and check my wardrobe for new clothes. If I tasked her on this behaviour she would say "I can open any letter that comes into this house, you are only a guest here!"

It taught me to go behind my parents back. I arranged an accommodation address for my mail and kept my spare money and new clothes at my grandma's house. I never allowed my parents to know how much I earned, as I was paid via bank transfer.

So of you treat your children like subordinates they will simply devise ways to subvert the rules and go behind your back. Children can be very ingenious that way and I speak from personal experience.

However its true to say that as a young adult I did grow up with respect for older people. I would not have dreamed of contradicting my boss or of questioning when I was asked to do something in work.

These so called informal standards of children treating adults as though they were their peers seem to have led to a generation of young people many of who had a real attitude problem in the workplace. They lack basic courtesy like showing up on time, greeting their workmates politely, and carrying out reasonable tasks without a show of pique if its not something appealing.

Spare the discipline and you end up with princes and princesses.

If I had spat out food my father would have knocked me across the room!

They sound obnoxious, OP.

They need a firm hand, your DP will have to step up.

Do they genuinely not know the right manners, or are they playing up to wind you up because there's a difficult dynamic between you? Either way it needs to be addressed.

As others have said, you should knock on their doors.
All the rest of it??? Rude little buggers!!! It's your partner's job to ultimately sort it though.
How long have you been together?

You say you're strict but I never think this stuff is about being strict.

It's about having a good relationship, modeling behaviour and respect, and having very clear boundaries.

For example, I have a good relationship with DD, always thank her for things she does, and every time someone does something for her I say, "thanks?" until she does.

You don't knock before entering their rooms? That's very unreasonable and unusual imo.

The rest- yanbu but this is all down to the parents. I hope that your h is cooking those meals.

@BrilliantBetty

Do you think you might just be easily irritated.

Surely it's not the norm for pre teens to have impeccable table manners etc.

And it's normal now for kids to speak to adults as friends. Things are casual. No more 'yes sir no sir' calling adults 'Mr /mrs'. Thank god. Not sure what you are expecting, really.

It’s definitely the norm in my house for all kids to have impeccable manners, why the hell wouldn’t they?

Are they being shown the right manners? I find it quite strange that both children are so rude if they have been raised in an environment whereby the adults demonstrate good manners and model how to behave.

There is no doubting that their behaviour is rude but it sounds like a lot of learnt behaviour

Is this an actual question?

Sorry, they sound awful. How have they got to those ages thinking that level of disrespect is ok?

the response (from the 10yo) was well you don’t knock on my door.
as they are not even your own kids, that's not acceptable honestly.

For everything else, YANBU, they sound awful and ill-mannered but what does your partner (and their parent) do about it?

None of it would be acceptable in my house, and kids a lot younger than they are manage to have manners!

You should knock on their door for the same reason, they aren’t little and may be changing themselves so need privacy.

The rest of it is rude though, yes.

@BrilliantBetty

Do you think you might just be easily irritated.

Surely it's not the norm for pre teens to have impeccable table manners etc.

And it's normal now for kids to speak to adults as friends. Things are casual. No more 'yes sir no sir' calling adults 'Mr /mrs'. Thank god. Not sure what you are expecting, really.

Good grief. What poor expectations you have of children. Not spitting food out and not saying a meal cooked for you is disgusting are not impeccable manners, they are extremely basic. I don't accept that from my toddler. I can't believe you expect so little of your children and would tolerate behaviour like this.

an environment whereby the adults demonstrate good manners and model how to behave.

that's not enough and there are plenty of things adults do that children won't. They need to be told and face consequences, they can't just be left to "copy" adults.

@BrilliantBetty

No. That’s not normal. No, it’s not Victorian times but seriously, you have a very low bar.

It’s definitely the norm in my house for all kids to have impeccable manners, why the hell wouldn’t they?

We operate a three tier system. Restaurants or grandparents' house, A manners. Impeccable. Home, B manners which are less proper. You can use a fork only. You don't have to wait until everyone is finished to leave the table, you can use your hands for ribs and pizza. C manner are for camping and when Mummy isn't at the table. Licking plates, using hands, it's dreadful. But fun.

Code switching innit. But with manners.

BrilliantBetty sorry but you really sound like a young teen yourself 😂

Surely it's not the norm for pre teens to have impeccable table manners etc.

I think that their peers at schools would say something if they were spitting out food and eating with their mouth open.

Think knocking on a door is normal too. Do the 12 and 10 year olds really not knock before entering each other's rooms or when they aren't sure if someone might be in the bathroom or loo?

Table manners fair enough, pleases and thank yous especially around gifts fair point but the knocking thing is a case of it goes both ways - if you don't knock on theirs, then fair enough they don't knock on yours. My kids have never knocked on my door, I don't knock on theirs either (grown up now, still no knocking but we respect each other's space if not alone!