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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you share?

76 replies

Shouldhavepreppedsooner · 27/07/2021 12:27

So after a very difficult 18 months of covid, home schooling, elderly parent etc both myself and my husband were told that we would be made redundant from our jobs. I managed to find a perfect part time job that fits around child care but my start date meant that I wouldn't receive redundancy as it was too early. I took it as I wanted security and to ensure at least one of us was earning, and we can just about cover the mortgage with the wage. My husband didn't look for jobs and didn't apply for any that I sent him. He has now found one and will receive his redundancy. AIBU to expect him to share his redundancy payment with me or should I have waited longer to find a new job?

OP posts:
Alonelonelyloner · 27/07/2021 15:42

LTB
He is being an utter asshole.
20 years in and he doesn't consider this family money.
Wtaf dude!
What is wrong with you man.
Share this thread with him.
He should be bloody ashamed.

bigbaggyeyes · 27/07/2021 15:43

Wow he sounds an absolute price prick.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2021 15:44

I’m struggling to believe he’d be so fucking selfish. Yo did the right thing by your family and did what you could to keep the home fires burning and a roof over all of your heads and the thanks you get is him splashing it all on a fucking bike or whatever.

Greedy, selfish, nasty.

Make a massive bloody fuss about this love. How dare he.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2021 15:45

Specifically, I’d divide it into 3. Some for the kids, some for him, some for you. Spend yours getting legal advice on divorcing this arsehole.

CliftonGreenYork · 27/07/2021 15:48

When you say 'share' what do you actually mean? Give you some of it so you can buy yourself presents etc?. I got £34k in my redundancy and used £22k of it to pay off 10% of mortgage. Other 5k to pay off loan. And some of lovely posh holiday for me and husband.

Original poster
Shouldhavepreppedsooner · 27/07/2021 15:49

We never had his and her money, everything has always been joint with a joint account for almost everything and separate bank accounts for individual spending money. This kept everything fair as if he wanted to spend 100's on his bike it meant I had the equivalent in my account that I could spend on myself. This has worked well. It's just that now he thought he had an amount to spend all on himself and now this has changed. It does seem more selfish the more I think about it but he is very convincing when he needs to be

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2021 15:51

I struggle to believe anyone could be this selfish!

Surely the majority gets put into joint savings or something similar, not spent on hobbies?

Anything that is ear marked for disposable spends is divided amongst the family.

Original poster
Shouldhavepreppedsooner · 27/07/2021 15:51

By 'share' i mean discuss what it ca be spent on and it not automatically go on his hobbies. I would prefer to save some, treat the kids and then split some between me and him to spend on ourselves after such a rough year and a half.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 27/07/2021 15:51

It depends. How much money are you talking about?

FawnFrenchieMum · 27/07/2021 15:51

He is BU, it should be totally family money.

Did you enquire about wavering notice or delaying your start date? I was made redundant earlier this year with quite a long notice period, I was able to apply to finish early if other employment was secured. My new company also double checked I wouldn’t lose my redundancy by asking their start date.

With regards to my pay out, it was always family money. Together DH & I agreed we would all choose one treat each, pay off our debts / car finance & put the rest in savings for a rainy day

lastcall · 27/07/2021 15:53

Tell him you're going to get legal advice about divorce and freeze the accounts. What a selfish arsehole. You put the joint needs of the family first and did the responsible thing in a shitty economy and he's hoarding his own redundancy payout in this manner? I couldn't look at him the same way every again.

Jaxhog · 27/07/2021 15:58

Surely if you're married, you share it anyway?

Ourlady · 27/07/2021 16:11

Ask him why, after all these years of fairly sharing all the finances, suddenly its changed to his and yours (or not yours as the case is)
He is being such a selfish greedy twat and I wouldn't be able to get over this.

Bookworm20 · 27/07/2021 16:15

@Shouldhavepreppedsooner

By 'share' i mean discuss what it ca be spent on and it not automatically go on his hobbies. I would prefer to save some, treat the kids and then split some between me and him to spend on ourselves after such a rough year and a half.
This sounds like a perfectly reasonable and normal thing to do and I can't even understand why he thinks its all for him. I can't get my head around that. Its simply family money that goes into the family pot.

What is he spending it all on?

EKGEMS · 27/07/2021 16:25

I'd be telling him "Go ahead,purchase that new bike-you can use it to cycle to your lawyer's office for our divorce" or "You'll be selling that bike on EBay when you're having to scrape together a deposit for the flat you'll be moving into when we divorce,you selfish bastard!"

LemonRoses · 27/07/2021 16:31

You should have discussed and planned your jobs together.
You should share all family monies equally.

There is no his and hers in marital finances.

billy1966 · 27/07/2021 17:25

I would tell him once, calmly and clearly, that if he really thinks that is the right thing to do, go right ahead.

But if he does, I would think it is a complete deal breaker and I certainly wouldn't trust a man like that.

How a partner behaves with money tells you a HUGE amount about who they are and how they feel about you IMO.

Someone who really loves you, does scew you financially.

How much are we speaking of??

For a bike and bits 5-10 thousand?

If you went against your OWN financial best interests to secure the family and he NOW is throwing it back in your face rather than thinking, this money should be rainy day money, considering we both just lost our jobs, and were lucky to get others!!!

Deal breaker.
He sounds like a real twat that you have to even explain it to him🙄

nimbuscloud · 27/07/2021 17:30

He doesn’t appear to have much respect for you really.

Anonymous48 · 27/07/2021 17:34

@Shouldhavepreppedsooner

We share all finances, we have a joint account that all bills come out of then seperate accounts for spending money that is all equal.
I mean, that's obviously not true is it? Otherwise you wouldn't be in this situation.
MrsMillhouse · 27/07/2021 17:44

What a cunt. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. You gave up your chance of redundancy money to ensure that
The family had a stable income and yet he is spending his on toys? Fuck that. I’d have a convo with him and lay it on a plate: if he spends all that money on himself then id be leaving.

MumW · 27/07/2021 18:48

Redundancy payments are not a windfall, they are to compensate you whilst you find something else, which your DH has failed to do at this point.

It is not 'jolly' money, it is family money and, as such, should go straight into the household accounts or rainy day account. We are in uncertain times and that rainy day could be next month, next week, tomorrow. You may lose this new job, it might be a long time before DH gets one, you may be ill and trying to manage on SSP, the car might breakdown...

This attitude would definitely be a problem for me and might end up being a deal breaker.

Therealjudgejudy · 27/07/2021 18:56

Your husband is a selfish prick.

TubeOfSmarties · 27/07/2021 19:02

How is this even a question??

coodawoodashooda · 27/07/2021 19:17

@MumW

Redundancy payments are not a windfall, they are to compensate you whilst you find something else, which your DH has failed to do at this point.

It is not 'jolly' money, it is family money and, as such, should go straight into the household accounts or rainy day account. We are in uncertain times and that rainy day could be next month, next week, tomorrow. You may lose this new job, it might be a long time before DH gets one, you may be ill and trying to manage on SSP, the car might breakdown...

This attitude would definitely be a problem for me and might end up being a deal breaker.

That.
Essentialironingwater · 27/07/2021 19:34

Bizarre. I got a hefty 5 figure redundancy payment during covid and it went straight into the joint account. We just bolstered our emergency fund and now things are more stable again it's gone towards the new house etc. It's not a performance bonus, I wouldn't even think about it just being mine. Maybe if I'd been awarded a bonus at work for doing something truly amazing I might want more say in what it was spent on (e.g. a holiday but I get to pick where it is!) but I'd want it to benefit everyone. Isn't love caring about the other person as much as yourself?