To expect family to follow our parenting choices when looking after DS?

[tiredmama2020]

Will be going back to work 3 days per week in a couple of months. Husband works away from home for weeks at a time. Very lucky that my sister and MIL have offered to look after DS - it works out they’ll cover 6 days per month between then and DH will be there the rest of the month so won’t need their help.

If family look after your child - how much do you expect them to follow your parenting choices?
I’m very grateful that MIL has offered help but she’s making comments already that are making me a bit nervous that we’re going to have issues when the time comes 😓

A few examples:

• weaning is going well. Home cooking all his meals and he’s eating a great variety and loving his food. MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge and can finally get some ‘proper’ baby food into him” - she absolutely insists that baby’s NEED jars of puddings and Rusks after each meal. Obviously the odd one of these things isn’t going to do him any harm if she did give him one but personally, I don’t believe he needs any.
• he’s 9m old currently and napping twice a day. He’s definitely a baby who thrives off routine. I’m not super strict on it at all but. If we’re home, as soon as he shows signs of being tired I’ll get him in his sleeping bag and put him down in his cot with white noice and he’ll fall asleep - occasionally he’ll need rocked to sleep. MIL says he’s being “spoiled” and that a tired baby should sleep anywhere. No reason for him to be rocked/go to his cot. At that age hers would have just fallen asleep on their mat on the floor. If I’m out a walk with him and he’s not awake by the time we get home/back to the car and I have nothing else I need to be home for them I’ll keep walking with him until he wakes up - he sleeps better when the pram is moving. I don’t see an issue with it - he gets a better sleep, I get a bit more exercise, but MIL thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous.
• I’m also very much “baby comes first” so if I’m in the middle of doing something and he cries/fusses/wants fed etc then I’ll stop what I’m doing. MIL believes that baby should fit into your life so should be left until you’re finished what you’re doing.

There are also another couple of issues regarding car seats (she says she doesn’t want him in the backseat of her car as she’ll find it easier to have him in the front. And she thinks rear facing is ‘ridiculous’) but she won’t be looking after him at all if she doesn’t follow car seat safety so they’re not an issue.

Obviously he needs to fit in with her day but she’ll be looking after him from our house - I’ll have his meals all prepared just ready to be heated etc. AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

Big difference between not attending no to a child immediately because you’re attending to another child or doing something you can’t stop and having a general view that children should fit in around the adults at all times and be ignored if they don’t. There’s lots of evidence that the latter is detrimental. The minutiae don’t really matter and I agree that childcare is never quite the same as parents. I wouldn’t use any childcare if I wasn’t assured that the child would be safe and loved and well cared for. Nursery have certainly rocked my child to sleep, sourced alternative food and didn’t leave children upset and alone. A grandparent looking after one child a few times a month really shouldn’t have that many times when it’s imperative to ignore the child, usually it’s the opposite way with grandparents. And why deliberately ignore your routine with no reason to, it doesn’t make a difference to her whether he’s on the floor or in the cot sleeping. The fact that she could easily follow your advice but deliberately doesn’t want to is going to be hard to manage

If he's eating a great variety of food then having a jar or a rusk 3 times a month is just adding to the variety.

Car seats or safety gates or medical issues (allergies, remembering regular meds etc ) where needed aren't negotiable but other than that my rule with GC is I will do childcare regularly, picking kids up from school, having little ones 2 or 3 days a week, having them while parents go off on foreign holidays (pre covid) but grannies house grannies rules. The children actually like the fact that somethings are things for grannie's house and it makes it a novelty. I have to confess I've never given any of them a rusk or a jar but I have given them things they wouldn't have at home.

Thanks guys. You’re all right, I do need to adjust my expectations a bit. I know nobody will look after him the way I do. I’d never expect her too. Literally all I am asking is that she feed him the meals that are pre-prepared for him - whether that be at home or taking something out with her and that she put him in his sleeping bag and cot for his nap IF they’re in the house rather than leaving him in the hope that he’ll go to sleep on his playmat etc. I absolutely expect her to go about her daily life and be out and about with him.

The odd treat will do him no harm at all. Her suggestion is that pudding jars should be INSTEAD of a home cooked meal.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head @IonaLeg - Her scoffing at (what I consider to be) pretty basic requests has left me a bit concerned about what else she might ignore.

Sister can no longer do 6 days - she rearranged things as MIL asked a couple of months ago if she could also take him. She can still do 4 days though so I can cut MIL to 1 day.

Its definitely more the principle of her just blatantly disregarding what I want that’s bothering me more. I’m very realistic about the fact that 1 day a week off of his rough routine isn’t going to be any huge problem. But I feel like she’s attempting to push me on things that aren’t actually hard for her to follow 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think your MIL sees you as a hindrance to her parenting choices. She's going to lay down the law and this sounds like it will be at a detriment to your developing baby and the unique bond that you both have.
In your situation it would be safer to pay for help and have grandparents visit as welcomed guests rather than parenting your children.
Your parenting style is just what your child needs to be save and loved. Say no to mil.

So this is about 1 day a month?

Totally understand the frustration about her undermining you OP, my DPs mum does that with the kids even if we're right there (so she's not providing childcare) and asking her not to. It's infuriating, but showing no signs of changing 5 years on.

A nursery or childminder isn’t going keep walking until he wakes up, or jump to attention immediately he wants something either. If you won’t bend a bit, the only solutions are either you employ a nanny or you and DH alter your working arrangements so you can look after DS yourselves.

@LowlandLucky yes my DH has a say...he’s very much an equal parent!!

@ancientgran Regardless of how many days it will be - my question was about whether you expect family to respect and try to follow parenting choices you have made.

Obviously the car thing is a complete no. However, I have to be honest I would not be happy about the food either. If you're providing everything then there is no need for her to give the baby additional things/puddings. Once he is older and asking for them its a bit different.

The sleep/routine things you just have to let go as this is far harder for her to replicate then just giving the food you have sent.

I had this (she didn’t really want to babysit though).
DD was an excellent eater, sleeper and an easy baby. MIL constantly told me she should have no routine and sleep when she was told and eat junk.
One of the few times she babysat she left her crying for ages (she was sick) as she needed to be taught no one would come. That was the last time actually.
They just want justification for the way they raised their children, it’s not in the best interests of the baby.

OP,

A recipe for disaster written all over it.

That she would do things a bit differently is one thing, but her scoffing and very clear disrespect of you is appalling.

She sounds like a very rude woman.

People do parent differently but only really rude people behave as she does.

I wouldn't trust her with other safety things because of the way she behaves.

Personally I wouldn't be spending much time with someone so rude.

She has no right to time with your baby.
I think she will just become ruder znd louder with her opinions.
I wouldn't be having it.

I just wouldn't trust her.
She is so attached to her way that yes I think she could dismiss the whole chopping grapes/sausages up.

She has no need to be so rude, yet obviously relishes being so.

She wouldn't be near a child of mine without me around.

Avoid the drama of stopping by asking your sister to do it.

I would tell her kindly but firmly that you don't believe it will work out as this is your baby and she has been very clear that she has zero respect for the way you mind your child. That you think in the long run it will be better if he goes to your sister who DOES respect you.

You don't wish to fall out so this is for the best.

What does your husband say at his mother scoffing at you?

He should have stepped in already.

You just have to decide where you draw the line and what you can compromise on.

Obviously the car seat is a dealbreaker. Feeding things I don't approve of would be as well, for me, but I would prep food in advance if I thought they would feed rubbish.

Apart from that, some of the stuff about routine and sleeping could probably be compromised.

But really it's your baby and it depends if you feel comfortable. If you don't then you might need to find some paid childcare, there is nothing wrong with that if you feel it will cause too many problems.

Being spoilt by granny is fine when it’s occasionally but if she’s providing childcare she needs to fold your routine. Jars are fine a few days a month though but can’t see why she would buy them if you’re happy to deliver food with the child for her to serve. Absolutely don’t allow compromise on the car seat.

The issue is the disrespect and scoffing.

Her need to do that implies not a nice person IMO.

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I think when you get free childcare you accept it as it comes. The only issues I think are red lines are those that have to do with safety and health. As in using the car safety seats as they should be and how all safety tests have shown that they save kids' lives and protect them from injury. What this person "thinks" or "believes" is neither here nor there. And also those that don´t "believe" in food allergies or special diets due to ailments. The rest you have to accept as it is a freeby. If you dont, pay for your own childcare.

@billy1966 My DH and I are very much on the same page with parenting and he’s spoken to her many times about respecting our choices and how guidelines are different now than what they were etc.
She’ll would only be looking after DS when DH is away at work though so I’ve asked him to take a step back and let me deal with the childcare arrangements for while he’s not here.

@Datingandnoideahowto

Yeah the hill to die on is the car seat.

The rest, for 3 or 4 days a month, I’d suck up for the free childcare.

100% agree!

@Benjispruce5

Being spoilt by granny is fine when it’s occasionally but if she’s providing childcare she needs to fold your routine. Jars are fine a few days a month though but can’t see why she would buy them if you’re happy to deliver food with the child for her to serve. Absolutely don’t allow compromise on the car seat.

Isn't one day a month occasional?

My baby wouldn't be going there especially as she's cunted off your parenting and says she's in charge now.

If she is in your house and you have left her food and shown her where the baby sleeps etc then she should do it.

I don't get why you keep walking about with the baby in the pram if he is sleeping though, I usually just wheel them in and leave them in the hallway sleeping. But it is up to you, I don't think you can expect her to do that though tbh especially if it's pissing down with rain.

She seems very eager to put right all the things she sees you as doing wrong and that's showing she doesn't respect you as mum

Oh and I never feed my babies jars and if I left them with someone I'd expect them not to as I'd provide food

Can’t understand it. As a granny myself who used to look after my two grandsons on a regular basis it wouldn’t have occurred to me to go against my dd’s wishes. Babies usually do better on a routine and this goes for their food as well. As for the car seat business that is completely out of order. I found it necessary for their parents to put it in for me (in the back) never in the front. It looks as if your sister is going to be caring for him as well so she won’t be in charge that often so leave everything for your mil but on no account let her take him out in the car. Explain to your sister as well.

I love how on these posts some posters focus on the nitty gritty ie the pots of foods and whether that's bad it good and others will see that is the indicative of a much bigger issue, she wants to do everything her way and she doesn't respect yours.

Personally I wouldn't go down this route esp on the sleeping.
Dh and I were desperate for a break form and dd sometimes and Mil was desperately to take her, we used to say, please don't let her nap, she'll be up to midnight.. Guess what.. Whatever benefit we had off set by (the odd) break for the day.. We dearly paid for it by a totally wired 3 year old buzzing around at midnight and she'd lie to us about what she'd done.

She's a liar and she doesn't care (our Mil) she said similar about food, give her proper food but dd wouldn't eat it and nothing else seemed to be made.
The safety stuff won't just be confined to the car seat!

Be aware op, very very aware she's not even hiding this from you she feels it's absolutely OK to totally contradict you.

It's this mind set that I would see as the huge massive red flag, not the mythical sugar rush after jars of pudding.

I look after my grandchild. Regarding food, I never fed my own two rubbish. However, I always did what parents asked, if there was a query I would text. I used to blend what we were eating for baby or very often baby's parents would provide lunch or dinner. I was fortunate that apart from food, there were really no hard and fast rules. In the main that was because I had brought up two children already. I just followed what parents wanted for the child, if I was unsure I would text and ask. The time has gone by so quickly and like my own children, grandchild is now at school. I am glad to spend time with them as it just flys by. Moreso once they are at primary school. Ive got to say the car seat is a concern. My family bought the car seat they wanted us to use for our grandchild, perhaps this could be done?

The car seat issue - a complete no go.

I'd also be annoyed about the other 2 as well. If my kids didn't go for their naps roughly at the normal time (there was a bit of scope) it buggered up the nights for me. If they were only sleeping because they were exhausted, the naps ended up being so late in the day that they didn't sleep well at night. And if they missed the nap completely, then they didn't eat properly. But jts something I could let slide for free childcare, but it would annoy me.

I would be fuming about the food to be honest. I know other people are saying let it go, but I think its so rude and disrespectful. Especially her attitude of "when I'm in charge." Either she respects your wishes, or she doesn't get to babysit. Free childcare doesn't mean going against the parents wishes, and shouldnt be a stick to beat you with - I'm minding your kids for free so I'll feed them whatever I like even though it goes against your wishes and everything you've been doing this far. I agree, a few treats a month is fine - but as I'm their mother, I'd like those treats to be on days out like going for ice cream or having a dessert after Sunday dinner or having chips out. Not used up because someone just wanted to give them a jar of baby food and pudding even though there was a healthy and easy preferred meal sitting ready that I'd taken the time to make.