To expect family to follow our parenting choices when looking after DS?

[tiredmama2020]

Will be going back to work 3 days per week in a couple of months. Husband works away from home for weeks at a time. Very lucky that my sister and MIL have offered to look after DS - it works out they’ll cover 6 days per month between then and DH will be there the rest of the month so won’t need their help.

If family look after your child - how much do you expect them to follow your parenting choices?
I’m very grateful that MIL has offered help but she’s making comments already that are making me a bit nervous that we’re going to have issues when the time comes 😓

A few examples:

• weaning is going well. Home cooking all his meals and he’s eating a great variety and loving his food. MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge and can finally get some ‘proper’ baby food into him” - she absolutely insists that baby’s NEED jars of puddings and Rusks after each meal. Obviously the odd one of these things isn’t going to do him any harm if she did give him one but personally, I don’t believe he needs any.
  
• he’s 9m old currently and napping twice a day. He’s definitely a baby who thrives off routine. I’m not super strict on it at all but. If we’re home, as soon as he shows signs of being tired I’ll get him in his sleeping bag and put him down in his cot with white noice and he’ll fall asleep - occasionally he’ll need rocked to sleep. MIL says he’s being “spoiled” and that a tired baby should sleep anywhere. No reason for him to be rocked/go to his cot. At that age hers would have just fallen asleep on their mat on the floor. If I’m out a walk with him and he’s not awake by the time we get home/back to the car and I have nothing else I need to be home for them I’ll keep walking with him until he wakes up - he sleeps better when the pram is moving. I don’t see an issue with it - he gets a better sleep, I get a bit more exercise, but MIL thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous.
  
• I’m also very much “baby comes first” so if I’m in the middle of doing something and he cries/fusses/wants fed etc then I’ll stop what I’m doing. MIL believes that baby should fit into your life so should be left until you’re finished what you’re doing.
  

There are also another couple of issues regarding car seats (she says she doesn’t want him in the backseat of her car as she’ll find it easier to have him in the front. And she thinks rear facing is ‘ridiculous’) but she won’t be looking after him at all if she doesn’t follow car seat safety so they’re not an issue.

Obviously he needs to fit in with her day but she’ll be looking after him from our house - I’ll have his meals all prepared just ready to be heated etc. AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

[Howshouldibehave]

Obviously we’d rather avoid that cost if we can

Then you need to calm down a bit. They’re doing you a massive favour and saving you a fortune. If you want everything just how you like it, then you need to pay for the privilege and get a nursery, but yes, it will be expensive

[NakedAttraction]

AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

For a maximum of 6 days a month (and that assumes yours isn’t doesn’t do any) you are being very extreme. You said yourself that occasional pudding is fine. These can be those occasional days!

Your son will either learn to adapt on the naps or she’ll learn he’s a cranky baby without his nap in the cot.

It’s a few days a month. If you can’t relax a bit about it then I think you need to use a nursery.

[tiredmama2020]

Just to add, yes, her car is a large 5 door that is easily accessible with car seat. We’ve bought a second car seat just for her car as she didn’t want to have to lift a heavy seat in and out of her car which is fine.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I wouldn’t let her have him. It’s not her baby and they need to respect the parents wishes.

Feeding jars just sets kids up for a lifetime of craving ultraprocessed crap anyway.

[Nanny0gg]

@nc8765

I'd just pay for proper childcare for 6 days of the month.

Nurseries won't take babies 6 days another though

[hellywelly3]

If someone else is looking after your child they won’t do things exactly how you do them.
Whether that’s pay childcare or free childcare. You’ve found your way and they’ll find their way. Certain things are non negotiable like car seat but you have to let the other things go. They’re not dangerous just different

[PamDenick]

Er, the car seat thing IS dangerous?

[Nanny0gg]

I think you may be in for bother.

I have always followed 'rules' 99% of the time and generally only deviated after discussion.

They're not my kids

[LivingLaVidaBabyShower]

I'd pay for childcare personally.
It sends a clear message and will save you from making a rod for your own back for years to come.

[tiredmama2020]

I think from reading all the replies I’ve realised that it’s not the actual things that are annoying me but the lack of respect she has for our parenting choices. It’s her constant scoffing as if I’m doing things wrong.

It goes without saying - she’s raised children herself - I picked one of them as my DH so she’s obviously done something right 🤣🤣 I don’t doubt that she’s capable! I’d just prefer she respected our choices.

[butterpuffed]

Car seat is absolutely non-negotiable for me. She follows the rules properly or she doesn’t get him at all.

Agree with you re car seat. As for your second sentence..Wow ! It sounds like you're doing her a favour when she's actually doing you a favour ~ free childcare and she comes to your house, you don't even have to drop your baby off.

[Roselilly36]

You are mum, so of course your choices and routines should be respected. I can’t see this arrangement working out well to be honest. Good luck.

[Lostmyway86]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your routine should be respected. I also have a 9 month old (and 25 month old) and have worked bloody hard to get them in a routine that works. Mine also nap in their cots and occasionally in the pram and if family members look after them they always stick to this, I write their routine down and I think most people find this helpful. I know if I was looking after another child I would want to follow their routine. Food I'm a little more relaxed about, but sleep and routine I would expect to be followed. Also, I disagree that childcare settings wouldn't mirror your routine. My childminder asked for the routine we do at home and she mirrored that as close as possible so DD is in sync there and at home. DD2 is about to start at the same childminder and again, will have her routine kept consistent. She has all types of sleeping arrangements (cots, prams, nests etc) to suit the children. I would be tempted to look for a childminder or nanny for those days op.

[Horehound]

I'm torn. I think you need to remember childcare aren't going to do everything way you do either so I'd try and think of MIL as the same.

But I do understand your worries and my mum left me and my brother to cry it out and we were great sleepers because of that (not including all me and my db's emotional issues now!) But I was really clear with my mum and said do not ever leave him to cry and she hasn't.
So I'd pick one or two absolute must for you and make it clear to her that's what you want to happen.
And just let all the other stuff go.
My parents also introduced rusks, custard, fucking biscuits and milky buttons but they look after him really well so I'm keeping my mouth shut about that.

It's hard!

[HOkieCOkie]

Lol dropping everything when he makes a noise! How do you get anything done!

[Horehound]

Oh and at nursery he gets sweet stuff too. I'm fact today I think he's getting banoffee pie lol.
But all the main meals are home made fresh/healthy but they deffo get their fare share of crap too

[WorkingItOutAsIGo]

This won’t work. She’s already showing you she will ignore your parenting choices. She is actually treating it like a power play which worries me. If I was looking after a GC I would bend over backwards to do what the parents wanted. Messing up the sleep routine in particular could be a nightmare for you.

But as they say, if you use free childcare, you don’t get choices.

[Clymene]

@Lostmyway86

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your routine should be respected. I also have a 9 month old (and 25 month old) and have worked bloody hard to get them in a routine that works. Mine also nap in their cots and occasionally in the pram and if family members look after them they always stick to this, I write their routine down and I think most people find this helpful. I know if I was looking after another child I would want to follow their routine. Food I'm a little more relaxed about, but sleep and routine I would expect to be followed. Also, I disagree that childcare settings wouldn't mirror your routine. My childminder asked for the routine we do at home and she mirrored that as close as possible so DD is in sync there and at home. DD2 is about to start at the same childminder and again, will have her routine kept consistent. She has all types of sleeping arrangements (cots, prams, nests etc) to suit the children. I would be tempted to look for a childminder or nanny for those days op.

A child minder is not going to rock a baby to sleep or carry on walking for hours because a baby is sleeping in its pram. Nor are they going to drop everything they're doing the moment a 9 month old starts to grizzle.

Largely trying to follow a 'naps around 11 and then again at 2' routine is not the same thing at all.

[Passmethefrazzles]

I’m amazed that the results so far are almost 50:50. You’ve done very well to establish such a healthy routine with your baby and the fact that MIL is so openly critical of your parenting choices means she’s fully intending to undo a lot of your good work. It’s not her place to make those decisions, or change the structure that is working so well for you and your baby.

Neither of my babies would ever have fallen asleep anywhere and everywhere, neither would my two beloved DGC. Would you trust her to abide by your car seat instructions? This is obviously not negotiable. Will she appear to agree, then do as she sees fit when you’re out of sight? I’m sorry but I wouldn’t trust her on this.

Where will all of this lead as the baby grows up (and possibly future children)? “Well Granny let’s me…”.

Btw I’m a granny who does childcare and I follow the routines and rules set by my DGCs’ parents. Sure things were different back when my AC were babies, but that’s entirely irrelevant.

You’re doing a great job, don’t let her undermine you.

[PegasusReturns]

Paying for care isn’t going to make a difference: no nursery child minding setting is going to follow the existing sleep routine.

Even nannies have strong ideas on what works/doesn’t and whilst I’ve always had non negotiables with mine there has to be a certain amount of compromise.

[GiveMeAUserName123]

I’d grit my teeth and put up with it all except the car seat one- because that’s a safety concern, not a preference.

[Katedanielshasakitty]

Op she might scoff.

But to be honest, your rules do seem a bit silly to some people. Though u remember being the same when I had my first.

No one is going to carry on walking around so he has a longer nap. Except you.

Even paid childcare won't do that. Kids have puddings at paid childcare. I am with you on the car seat. But, and I mean this gently, it's very common to be out with your first.

It could be that she does need to tone down the scoffing. But also that you need to relax a little.

[Sssloou]

@tiredmama2020

I think from reading all the replies I’ve realised that it’s not the actual things that are annoying me but the lack of respect she has for our parenting choices. It’s her constant scoffing as if I’m doing things wrong.

It goes without saying - she’s raised children herself - I picked one of them as my DH so she’s obviously done something right 🤣🤣 I don’t doubt that she’s capable! I’d just prefer she respected our choices.

I was coming on to ask just this. It’s not the details it’s her attitude.

She sounds tedious and overbearing.

Everything being “ridiculous” seems like she enjoys putting you down and wants to be superior and show you how it’s done. Seems that she will want to claim victory and exert her power and control at every occasion - so I would anticipate coming home from work and her telling me that doing the opposite of you asked ….. depends how much of that will get under your skin - some little psycho battle - you could laugh about it IF you have already seen that she is a caring, loving, attentive and responsible DGP ALREADY a to your DC.

What does she give your DC emotionally already? If this is natural, attentive, easy etc then this is gold and much more important than routines.

[DGFB]

The car seat is the only issue, the rest of it you have to let go and is not a big deal. She is doing you a huge favour, be grateful. Or pay for childcare.

[MayorGoodwaysChicken]

I would not send my baby to her, there are far too many red flags and those issues are highly likely to only get worse. He would probably be fine I.e. basically safe, but it doesn’t sound like high quality care and isn’t what I would be happy for my baby to have. It sounds like your MiL is on a bit of a power trip about her way being better and she doesn’t really sound like someone who would be led by what’s best for the baby.

Anyone who didn’t believe that the right thing to do when a nine month old cries is to stop what you’re doing (within reason obviously) and tend to it, would not be caring for my baby.

And I don’t care if it makes me precious, I wouldn’t send the baby somewhere to be fed sugary rusks. It might be only occasionally but it’s important not to mess with his taste buds and I wouldn’t be risking him rejecting healthy food because he’s learned what sugar tastes like.

Unless it’s absolutely essential I would not enter into this arrangement. It simply doesn’t sound like high quality childcare so if you have any other option why would you take it?