To expect family to follow our parenting choices when looking after DS?

[tiredmama2020]

Will be going back to work 3 days per week in a couple of months. Husband works away from home for weeks at a time. Very lucky that my sister and MIL have offered to look after DS - it works out they’ll cover 6 days per month between then and DH will be there the rest of the month so won’t need their help.

If family look after your child - how much do you expect them to follow your parenting choices?
I’m very grateful that MIL has offered help but she’s making comments already that are making me a bit nervous that we’re going to have issues when the time comes 😓

A few examples:

• weaning is going well. Home cooking all his meals and he’s eating a great variety and loving his food. MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge and can finally get some ‘proper’ baby food into him” - she absolutely insists that baby’s NEED jars of puddings and Rusks after each meal. Obviously the odd one of these things isn’t going to do him any harm if she did give him one but personally, I don’t believe he needs any.
  
• he’s 9m old currently and napping twice a day. He’s definitely a baby who thrives off routine. I’m not super strict on it at all but. If we’re home, as soon as he shows signs of being tired I’ll get him in his sleeping bag and put him down in his cot with white noice and he’ll fall asleep - occasionally he’ll need rocked to sleep. MIL says he’s being “spoiled” and that a tired baby should sleep anywhere. No reason for him to be rocked/go to his cot. At that age hers would have just fallen asleep on their mat on the floor. If I’m out a walk with him and he’s not awake by the time we get home/back to the car and I have nothing else I need to be home for them I’ll keep walking with him until he wakes up - he sleeps better when the pram is moving. I don’t see an issue with it - he gets a better sleep, I get a bit more exercise, but MIL thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous.
  
• I’m also very much “baby comes first” so if I’m in the middle of doing something and he cries/fusses/wants fed etc then I’ll stop what I’m doing. MIL believes that baby should fit into your life so should be left until you’re finished what you’re doing.
  

There are also another couple of issues regarding car seats (she says she doesn’t want him in the backseat of her car as she’ll find it easier to have him in the front. And she thinks rear facing is ‘ridiculous’) but she won’t be looking after him at all if she doesn’t follow car seat safety so they’re not an issue.

Obviously he needs to fit in with her day but she’ll be looking after him from our house - I’ll have his meals all prepared just ready to be heated etc. AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

[DGFB]

It is sad she doesn’t respect your choices but really you want it all ways - free childcare and her to follow your rules to the letter.
Either look after the baby yourself if you’re going to be that strict, or use a nursery

[0blio]

@Bingbongbash

If she is looking after your baby to do you a favour you thank her very much. You don't insist she continues walking the pram because the baby sleeps better when on the move. Even paid childcare won't do that for you. You'll have to look after him yourself if you want that.
You could and should insist on the car seat being used correctly. But don't forget you aren't doing your MIL a favour letting her look after your baby whilst you work. She is doing you a huge favour and can decide she doesn't want to give up her days at any time.

Absolutely this!

[wombat1a]

Car seat one is the only one to put your food down on, as long as the baby is fed, clean, warm/cool, loved, looked after then everything else is a bonus really. When the baby is big enough to talk and walk going to the grandparents and having a different routine will be something they will cherish later on.

[Lostmyway86]

But she said that's very occasional. Op has said the baby has 2 naps a day usually in the cot. That is very easy to follow. Obviously every day won't follow exactly but to establish such a routine is hard work and I think op has done brilliantly well and this should be respected. I must have the best childminder in the country as she is more than hap oto respect my routine, as are any family members who look after my DDs. I think they think I'm a little bonkers for sticking to it so rigidly but it works. No my childminder doesn't rock to sleep or constantly push a pram, but I think sticking to times to put a baby in a cot is perfectly reasonable.

[ssd]

Good luck leaving the lovingly made homemade food for him, i did this but MIL explained he didn't like it....then said he'd had 3 bags of crisps before dinner...

If you don't pay for childcare you get what you're given.

[User57327259]

If you put your DC in a nursery or childminder do you actually think that they will change their routines to fit your rules? You will be paying for your child to be cared for using their routines.
You are getting free child care and you think your MIL should be instructed on every minor detail. The car seat issue is important and that needs to be emphasized but all the rest you have to relax. You will cause bad feeling. I assume that your DH/DP is alive and well. He is the product of MIL's care of baby methods

[ssd]

I think the op will struggle leaving him with anyone.

[Katedanielshasakitty]

Wow people really are projecting. Mil doesn't agree with all their parenting styles. So she must be seeking victory and power. Exerting control at every occasion.

Surely, op has had a decent relationship with her up to now. Even if she is a bit annoying, since she even agreed to let her do childcare. Op can afford childcare so they would have just gone with that.

[StoneColdBitch]

@FourTeaFallOut

It's not just an economic decision though. Having an eager, loving and willing grandparent who lives close enough to be a part of your child's life is an absolute bonus in your family.

Yes, absolutely, hold firm on the car seats but then let the brakes off a little. I'd really advise you not to undermine her confidence for the sake of pudding and nap times. The long game is that you have another trusted adult in the world who your child loves who can pick up the reins not just for a few days a month to work but potentially when you need emergency care, (or a night out) and the more familiar they are with each other alone, the better. Don't burn that bridge for pudding.

This is the best advice on the thread by far.

OP, buy a safe car seat for them to use, and install it correctly for them. The other stuff I'd just let go of. It's a few days a month. You are getting free childcare and your child is getting to build a solid relationship with the wider family. I would think the benefits outweigh any downsides, personally.

[Zhampagne]

Sorry OP but this won’t end well. Pay for childcare to ensure that your wishes are respected and to save your relationship with MIL from permanent damage.

[FourTeaFallOut]

Anyone who didn’t believe that the right thing to do when a nine month old cries is to stop what you’re doing (within reason obviously) and tend to it, would not be caring for my baby

That's fine for you. But the op needs to go to work and (short of a nanny who would never work on the schedule the op is talking about in any case) there is no paid for childcare situation that can entertain this preference. Anyone looking after more than one child needs to balance all the needs and sometimes it will take a minute to get to a crying but otherwise fine baby.

[Cosybelles]

She isn't going to respect your choices though, is she get him into proper childcare, for his sake and for yours.

[ssd]

The problem is described in your thread title....

'To expect'

You can expect all you want but as they are doing it for free to help you out you can't expect the same as paid childcare.

[crabbingbucket]

As others have said, it's the car seat that you fight for. All the other stuff any childcare setting would probably do to some degree. Unfortunately when you go back to work they don't get to be treated exactly the same as you'd treat them because they have to fit in with others

[TheKeatingFive]

Pay for childcare to ensure that your wishes are respected

She’d have to pay for a nanny to accommodate the nap situation. In nursery there will be routines he’ll have to broadly fall in with.

[QueenCarrot]

None of this, except the car seat, matters a jot. Your son will benefit far more from being cared for by somebody who loves him than he would by somebody who follows your ‘rules’ to the letter. A few jars and a bit of flexibility in napping won’t do him any harm at all and you’re talking about what, three or four days a month?

You won’t be able to micromanage any childcare you have, in any setting, and unless you want to ruin your relationship with your in-laws, you shouldn’t even try to do it here. Just relax. Unless she really bolloxed up your husband’s upbringing she’ll be fine with your son. (If she did really really muck him up I’m guessing you wouldn’t even be considering letting her care for him)

Be firm about the car seat - let her know that is really non-negotiable. That’s the only rule you have then she’s far more likely to realise its importance than if you have a whole list of rules

[Katedanielshasakitty]

@Cosybelles

She isn't going to respect your choices though, is she get him into proper childcare, for his sake and for yours.

Paid childcare won't be stick to her choices though either.

[BergenLane]

I thought my parents were following my wishes - one being 'no chocolate' - until at about 18 months and whilst I was there, they offered him a plain digestive biscuit. 😇

He took it, tipped it up slightly and peered underneath to look for the chocolate! 😂

[Katedanielshasakitty]

@BergenLane

I thought my parents were following my wishes - one being 'no chocolate' - until at about 18 months and whilst I was there, they offered him a plain digestive biscuit. 😇

He took it, tipped it up slightly and peered underneath to look for the chocolate! 😂

Hahhaha I love that

[godmum56]

Hmmm well the car obvs is the hill to die on as has been said.....but "can't wait to give him proper food" is a bit of a straw in the wind to me. Is your relationship with her generally good?

[mygood]

the car seat is non negotiable, the rest is too bitty to get worked up about.

You have choices here

• suck it up for 6 days a month that your child will be cared for by relatives. yes they may not stick rigidly to your routine/choices etc. However I am sure they will care for your child very well. And it is free.
• or you can use alternative child care and pay for it 6 days per month. Word of warning though even nurseries and childminders will not follow your routine/choices exactly

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

The thing is paid childcare wont follow your parenting choices either. If he was going to nursery or a childminder he would likely be sleeping on a mat on the floor (and babies do magically sleep differently in different settings although I'm not sure how this translates to a different person in their usual setting) and they also always seem to give more puddings than I'm comfortable with. I do in general think they should follow the parents wishes but saying that I dont think 6 days a month will make any difference. However I would be pissed off if he came home tired and grumpy because he hadn't slept at all but I would probably cross that bridge when I came to it.

[2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl]

I started reading and was going to say “not ideal but I could live with all that, it’s just a difference of opinion and the baby won’t come to any harm.” Then you got to car seat bit and my first thought was “my baby would be going into a formal childcare setting”.

[Confusedandshaken]

I doubt her doing things differently a few days a month will wreck his routine. She might even find that he doesn't like her processed food and rusks. As long as he is in the car seat I wouldn't worry about the rest.

Although I was a mainly SAHM , my mum looked after my D.C. quite often from about a a year old. We established an extra rule for that "when you are at home we do things our way, when you are at Granny's house, you do things her way'. Children are very adaptable and didn't seem to get confused.

If it really bothers you decline her offer of childcare and put him in your alternative day care every day. But remember even in a nursery or childminders you have no guarantee that they will do things your way 100% of the time. The only way to ensure that is to be a SAHM and that's not a luxury open to many these days. And it has its disadvantages too.

[BungleandGeorge]

A good nursery will stick to most of your choices, you might be happier sending him there. It might just be that you MIL has forgotten what a child of around 1 is like, it sounds like she’s imagining a younger baby and when it gets to it she’s realise that it’s much easier for a mobile child to sleep in a cot and that they don’t need jars at that age, normal food is fine