To expect family to follow our parenting choices when looking after DS?

[tiredmama2020]

Will be going back to work 3 days per week in a couple of months. Husband works away from home for weeks at a time. Very lucky that my sister and MIL have offered to look after DS - it works out they’ll cover 6 days per month between then and DH will be there the rest of the month so won’t need their help.

If family look after your child - how much do you expect them to follow your parenting choices?
I’m very grateful that MIL has offered help but she’s making comments already that are making me a bit nervous that we’re going to have issues when the time comes 😓

A few examples:

• weaning is going well. Home cooking all his meals and he’s eating a great variety and loving his food. MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge and can finally get some ‘proper’ baby food into him” - she absolutely insists that baby’s NEED jars of puddings and Rusks after each meal. Obviously the odd one of these things isn’t going to do him any harm if she did give him one but personally, I don’t believe he needs any.
  
• he’s 9m old currently and napping twice a day. He’s definitely a baby who thrives off routine. I’m not super strict on it at all but. If we’re home, as soon as he shows signs of being tired I’ll get him in his sleeping bag and put him down in his cot with white noice and he’ll fall asleep - occasionally he’ll need rocked to sleep. MIL says he’s being “spoiled” and that a tired baby should sleep anywhere. No reason for him to be rocked/go to his cot. At that age hers would have just fallen asleep on their mat on the floor. If I’m out a walk with him and he’s not awake by the time we get home/back to the car and I have nothing else I need to be home for them I’ll keep walking with him until he wakes up - he sleeps better when the pram is moving. I don’t see an issue with it - he gets a better sleep, I get a bit more exercise, but MIL thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous.
  
• I’m also very much “baby comes first” so if I’m in the middle of doing something and he cries/fusses/wants fed etc then I’ll stop what I’m doing. MIL believes that baby should fit into your life so should be left until you’re finished what you’re doing.
  

There are also another couple of issues regarding car seats (she says she doesn’t want him in the backseat of her car as she’ll find it easier to have him in the front. And she thinks rear facing is ‘ridiculous’) but she won’t be looking after him at all if she doesn’t follow car seat safety so they’re not an issue.

Obviously he needs to fit in with her day but she’ll be looking after him from our house - I’ll have his meals all prepared just ready to be heated etc. AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

[junebirthdaygirl]

I am a grandma. I think she is being very disrespectful saying all those things before she even gets your baby. What will she be like when she is a few weeks in? . Good GPS learn to keep their opinions to themselves!! My gds mum wrote me a schedule that suited gd and l was quite happy to follow it as was only a few days here and there. I don't like the way she is talking already so my advise is don't do it as she will constantly annoy you. When your dh is away you will be on your own dealing with her great opinions and could easily end up falling out altogether. Get childcare elsewhere.

[JoborPlay]

I'm with you on rear facing carseats though!

He can be in the front though as long as airbag is off and the manual allows- it's actually safer than the back.

[pinkcircustop]

This is a disaster waiting to happen. I wouldn’t be letting her look after him because you know you can’t trust her.

[Dollywilde]

As others say, the only one to put your foot down on is the car seat.

Babies/toddlers are amazing at knowing they have different routines with different people/in different settings. Babies who need shushing/pitch black/white noise for naps at home will go into nursery and just conk out in the daylight on a mat with other kids tearing around - I couldn’t believe it but it’s true! So having a different nap routine won’t be a problem and even if it is she’s the one dealing with an overtired baby

Food - meh. It’s a handful of days a month. Convenience food isn’t the devil and neither is sugar, in moderation. It’s about learning to eat a rainbow of nutritious food and your kid is with her limited time, the lessons you teach him are more important.

Do you seriously drop everything the second your baby gets wingey though? I wouldn’t have eaten a meal/loaded the washing machine/bought a pint of milk in the last year if I did that!! I really think you’re making a rod for your own back. Your shout I guess but it won’t do your baby any harm if he’s safe and not in pain to realise that he doesn’t get fussed over the second he grumbles.

[StepladderToHeaven]

Lots of people have mentioned the car seat issue, but the other one that would really bother me is my 9 month old baby being left to cry while MIL pottered around finishing a chore You're unlikely to be able to change her mind now, so for that reason I don't think I'd feel right about leaving him with her.

Naps, weaning etc - not the end of the world for a few days a month.

[Clymene]

Car seat is a big no no. Everything else is stuff you wouldn't be able to control in paid childcare unless you have a nanny.

[Illogicalmadness]

She is providing you with free childcare so I think you're YABU. Pay for nursery or childminder to provide the childcare & then you'll be more in control. I'd keep your mil on standby for adhoc childcare not regular as tensions will arise.

[Jossbow]

Granny here.
I know car seat stuff is non negociable but...

Please check that is practical &Sensisble to put your car seat in her car, and its ready to roll.

Its almost impossible for an older person to bend well enough and fold themselves up, to get into the back seat of her small 3 door car
to strap down a rear facing baby/ toddler.

I have given up. dont go in the car with grandaughter, just cant do it

[Cuddlyrottweiler]

I think I'd be using paid childcare. The car seat is obviously very serious. But the other stuff is kind of not bad but it's her attitude that's wrong, it's not "this would be easier for me" but "you're doing it all wrong and I can't wait to prove I'm a better mother than you" I wouldn't let someone so determined to undermine me look after my kid because you'll just be constantly battling.

[TwoleftUggs]

Car seat- non negotiable. The rest- meh, it’s all a bit pfb. But if you can’t trust her on the car seat thing just pay for childcare cos you’ll be worried all the time.

[Paddingtonsmarmlade]

I wouldn't worry for 6 days a month other than the car seat. I'd personally make sure that the car seat she had access to was not able to forward face.

[tiredmama2020]

Thanks for all the opinions guys!

Just to clarify, I’m absolutely not about to have a fight over a few desserts 🙈 I know he’ll get treated when he’s with MIL - as I’m sure my own parents would do if they ever had him. All his meals will be prepped and left for her - at most she’ll need to plate up and heat it. I would never expect her to slave over the cooker making him what I want! She’ll tut and eyeroll at him getting homemade spag bol/curry/casserole etc because I’ve used low salt stock, lots of veg etc. Says babies should get sweet food because that’s what they prefer - so instead of what I’ve made she thinks he should have pudding jars. He does get “treats” but I’ll give him homemade mini ice lollies made with fruit and natural yoghurt etc.

Naps - we’ve worked so hard on this over the last couple of months. Until 7m he would literally ONLY nap being held which made my day pretty impossible. He had terrible reflux issues for months and I think the discomfort when he was lay down just gave him a complete aversion to it. Wouldn’t nap in pram/cot/sling at all. Bad naps in the day still result in terrible sleep at night. I’ve now got him to the point where he will nap in a moving pram and will nap in his cot so if they’re going to be in the house when he needs a nap then really I would prefer that he was put in the cot.

Car seat is absolutely non-negotiable for me. She follows the rules properly or she doesn’t get him at all.

Paid childcare is an option, however, DH is away 2 weeks then home 2 weeks. When he’s home we don’t need childcare and is really looking forward to his days with DS. The local childcare options for DSs age and that cover the hours I need want set days booked every week (completely understandable as they’ll need to hold a place for my DS) so it means having to pay 3 days childcare every week when we would only be using it 2 weeks per month. Obviously we’d rather avoid that cost if we can!

[Bingbongbash]

If she is looking after your baby to do you a favour you thank her very much. You don't insist she continues walking the pram because the baby sleeps better when on the move. Even paid childcare won't do that for you. You'll have to look after him yourself if you want that.
You could and should insist on the car seat being used correctly. But don't forget you aren't doing your MIL a favour letting her look after your baby whilst you work. She is doing you a huge favour and can decide she doesn't want to give up her days at any time.

[mummatomason]

I used my mum and mil for childcare... me and mil dont talk any more and mine and my mums relationship is awful now... all because they completely went against everything i asked... i was pretty relaxed about most things but they just kept pushing the boundaries acting as though my son was theirs.
Use nursery if you can afford it. I had to suck it up for a year until i received the funded hours and i didnt need them to have him anymore.
Even looking back on it now it feels me with anxiety and anger at the lack of respect they had for me

[TheUndoingProject]

Would the paid childcare option you have lined up cater to your views about food and naps? Unless you can afford a nanny, most nurseries and childminders want your child to fit in with their schedule to an extent. They may not be able to soothe your child immediately if they have other kids to deal with.

I’d think carefully about how “bad” an option your MIL really is.

[Maharajah20]

Sort out car seat issue.

However. No nursery or childminder is going to focus solely on your child like your MIL will. She loves him. She will get into her own routine with him. He will adapt. They will have a great relationship. He will survive a few rusks.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. As long as your baby is happy and loved be grateful for the free childcare.

[MagicSummer]

I certainly think you should wean yourself off the 'baby comes first' regime. You could be storing up a lot of problems for the future.

[ApolloandDaphne]

@Maharajah20

Sort out car seat issue.

However. No nursery or childminder is going to focus solely on your child like your MIL will. She loves him. She will get into her own routine with him. He will adapt. They will have a great relationship. He will survive a few rusks.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. As long as your baby is happy and loved be grateful for the free childcare.

I came on to say exactly this. Car seats are non negotiable, everything else just let her get on with.

[KarlUrbansWife]

I totally get you on the sleep thing. DC1 was an excellent sleeper, didn't matter where or when she napped, we always got a solid 12 hours at night. DC2 absolutely needed a set routine and to nap in his cot, or he'd be awake every hour or so in the night. There is absolutely no guarantee that he'd sleep any better at nursery/childminder though. You may just need to suck it up. I feel your pain though, it's an absolute killer.

The car seat is absolutely non negotiable though. Would some education on rear facing car seats help? I found that once I'd shown my parents the research they were more than happy to comply. I think it's a generational thing, they don't understand the difference in safety levels til they're shown them.

[LittleRedPill]

Sort the car seat thing but otherwise realise that she’s doing you a favour by saving you money and chill out a bit. His nap routine won’t be ruined by something different happening 3 times a month and he will be in the care of someone who loves him. As someone who now has older children, things like nap routine/ food really stressed me out when mine were babies and I look back now and think - why? Nothing wrong with your MIL and baby finding their own routines together.

[VariantL1130]

The car seat thing is an issue. Absolutely non negotiable.

However the other stuff is something you will have to let go regardless of who looks after him. Any childcare setting will make your baby adapt to their routine, including when and where he naps.

[Birminghambloke]

Do you trust her to give love and care to your child? That’s the deal breaker question for me. If you do, then you’ll need to suck up the slight differences. The MIL will aim to give you child a good experience, and, like PP have said might support you!
The car seat needs to align with best practice safety guidance and you can support by fitting it in MIL’s car.
When I’ve looked after family children I ask for a typical routine plan and will aim to follow it. However, that’s the activity of the routine. If food is left I’ll use it. However, if I’m preparing it, it will be how I do it. I will likely soothe a child differently, I might sing different songs, I might read a book differently. However, I will do my best for that child at that time out of love. That’s what you’ll need to trust will occur. If you can’t, then don’t accept the kind offer of care. My DSIL comments to us all about things we do that is not the same as her. It feels like little digs when the children are content and happy. Over time she has relaxed as returning to work necessitates accepting people are not her. My DS does not comment and now child is older says “… is in charge”. My DS was grateful for the support, knew we respected how she did things and loved the strong relationship built with me and other family members.

[ZenNudist]

For 6 days a week I'd just sort out car seat, turn off front airbag and presumably you have RF seat she can use.

Food and napping up to her. I wouldn't even waste time taking his meals over. All baby food is low salt low sugar. She might find he doesn't like taste/ texture.

You're going to find it hard to get 6 random days of paid for childcare a month so your alternative is a regular nursery. They will run their own food and sleep routine (that's usually very good).

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

A nursery would feed DS home cooked food and savoury before sweet. She sounds like a contrary pain in the arse. I’d be challenging her now when she’s rude about your parenting.

[AlbusSeverusMalfoy]

The food thing and nap thing I could possibly let go
The going to him when he cries, maybe
The car seat thing will be a hell no for me. Naps food and crying are not dangerous. Incorrect car seats are.