To expect family to follow our parenting choices when looking after DS?

[tiredmama2020]

Will be going back to work 3 days per week in a couple of months. Husband works away from home for weeks at a time. Very lucky that my sister and MIL have offered to look after DS - it works out they’ll cover 6 days per month between then and DH will be there the rest of the month so won’t need their help.

If family look after your child - how much do you expect them to follow your parenting choices?
I’m very grateful that MIL has offered help but she’s making comments already that are making me a bit nervous that we’re going to have issues when the time comes 😓

A few examples:

• weaning is going well. Home cooking all his meals and he’s eating a great variety and loving his food. MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge and can finally get some ‘proper’ baby food into him” - she absolutely insists that baby’s NEED jars of puddings and Rusks after each meal. Obviously the odd one of these things isn’t going to do him any harm if she did give him one but personally, I don’t believe he needs any.
  
• he’s 9m old currently and napping twice a day. He’s definitely a baby who thrives off routine. I’m not super strict on it at all but. If we’re home, as soon as he shows signs of being tired I’ll get him in his sleeping bag and put him down in his cot with white noice and he’ll fall asleep - occasionally he’ll need rocked to sleep. MIL says he’s being “spoiled” and that a tired baby should sleep anywhere. No reason for him to be rocked/go to his cot. At that age hers would have just fallen asleep on their mat on the floor. If I’m out a walk with him and he’s not awake by the time we get home/back to the car and I have nothing else I need to be home for them I’ll keep walking with him until he wakes up - he sleeps better when the pram is moving. I don’t see an issue with it - he gets a better sleep, I get a bit more exercise, but MIL thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous.
  
• I’m also very much “baby comes first” so if I’m in the middle of doing something and he cries/fusses/wants fed etc then I’ll stop what I’m doing. MIL believes that baby should fit into your life so should be left until you’re finished what you’re doing.
  

There are also another couple of issues regarding car seats (she says she doesn’t want him in the backseat of her car as she’ll find it easier to have him in the front. And she thinks rear facing is ‘ridiculous’) but she won’t be looking after him at all if she doesn’t follow car seat safety so they’re not an issue.

Obviously he needs to fit in with her day but she’ll be looking after him from our house - I’ll have his meals all prepared just ready to be heated etc. AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

[Erwhatno]

Just so you know, nap routines generally
Go out the window with subsequent children 🤣

[ancientgran]

@BountyIsUnderrated

She's sounds absolutely nuts, I would just put the baby into nursery.
I think in your shoes I would be worried about the babys safety.

It's awkward if it's only one day a month. Would a nursery have a place for 1 day a month?

[Sssloou]

My DH and I are very much on the same page with parenting and he’s spoken to her many times about respecting our choices and how guidelines are different now than what they were etc.

What was the nature of the many times he has had to speak to her about? Was it one thing she doesn’t get or lots of different things? Is it what she says or what she does?

What has been her response to these conversations? Does she engage and look to adapt and change? Or does she resist, ignore?

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

As your DH has had these conversations in the past and will be away when your MIL is looking after your baby it will be down to you alone to deal with any transgressions. How do you feel about that?

What’s she like generally is she v dominant, opinionated and judgmental?

[bluebeck]

I would have your sister do 4 days and childcare the fifth day. Even when DH is at home, you might appreciate having that day where he is in childcare weeks and you can do stuff together.

No way would I have MIL look after my baby with her shit attitude. This is just the stuff she is telling you - fuck knows what she will be doing behind your back.

[Chamomileteaplease]

I knew the vote would be about 50:50! Mumsnet seems to think that if you are so extremely kind to look after someone's baby you can do what the hell you want .

I might let her have one day a month because hopefully that won't cock up the wonderful start you have made with his food and sleep.

But the thought of leaving my baby with someone who thinks that processed crap and rusks should be given instead of homemade nutritious food, makes my stomach drop! I mean surely that is just stupid beyond belief!

And I would not want to leave my baby with an idiot.

[Di11y]

If it's once or twice a month anything goes with food and naps imo. But yes, I'd be massively irritated by the way she's scoffing at your parenting choices.

[godmum56]

Did you say she asked to do it? because that gives you the opportunity to say to her that she can but she has to do it your way....because she asked you not you asked her......
but ...well...but i think either way you are screwed....she asked and you said no and she's all hurt.....or she asks and you say yes but.....and she's hurt....or she asks and you say fine and it all goes wrong and she's hurt...or she asks and you say fine and it all oges fine and she becomes unbearable because she was right all along......
I mean are you screwed or what?

[BountyIsUnderrated]

She's sounds absolutely nuts, I would just put the baby into nursery.
I think in your shoes I would be worried about the babys safety.

[daphnedoo12]

I wouldn't leave my child with my MIL if she had said those things

[ButterscotchWhip]

I think she's been rude and disrespectful, and I certainly would share your concerns to an extent; but I think you can at least give her a chance seeing as she wants to do it and it is free, and the setup essentially does suit you all.

What I'd do is type out a rough routine for your child, plus some guidelines (this is where you can reference that pudding jars are only for occasional treats after a meal, not as a replacement for one, that fruit needs to be chopped etc) and give it to her along with your gushing thanks and a gift, like flowers, on her first day of having him. The gift might appease her into being a bit more line-towing and ease the potential pass-agg vibe she might feel when she gets your piece of paper!

If it really doesn't work after a while, and she's trying to exert too much authority or you're worried about what she's up to, that's when you politely decline and pay for childcare instead.

[TooManyDinosaurs1]

I just wouldn't let this woman look after my child, absolutely not. My parents have helped out with childcare with our first 2 children and will be having our third in a few months time when I return to work. They do everything as we say, they are absolutely amazing even though things have moved on loads since they had me and my siblings. My mum gave us rusks but she knew no better, it was a thing in the 70s and 80s but she's since realised its like giving digestives to a small baby, absolutely not necessary and really bad for them. I've never given a crappy jar of processed baby food either nor would I let anyone else, we've always done blw with real food.

I have complete confidence in my parents and the only time they have done something which I didn't agree with I told them and they didn't do it again. I have 100% trust, if I didn't I couldn't allow them to look after my children.

My mil and fil looked after our daughter once ever, it was a disaster, they had her for a weekend when she was 7 months old. She literally took it as a second shot at parenthood didn't follow anything we said to and went shopping for our daughter and bought her all new outfits so they could dress her how they wanted (I spent ages packing a bag with everything she needed!!). They bought all baby equipment too pram, high chair the lot (even though we dropped these things off). They then didn't communicate all weekend, I asked for pictures so I knew she was OK (first time I'd left our baby) and they kind of just ignored me. It was the first and last time they babysat. I found their behaviour odd buying all the baby stuff when it was a one off (I was on a hen do, my husband was working and my own parents were on holiday) we never made out it was to be a regular thing!!

Unless you were desperate I wouldn't let someone I don't trust will follow my way of doing things to have my child. You'd never relax. The fact your mil thinks she gets to do things her way suggests she isn't going to be a good choice, pay for childcare if you can.

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

I don’t see the problem with the car seat tbh

You provide the car seat, you install the car seat in her car…

Unless she is planning to buy her own car seat….

[cadburyegg]

My DS are 6 and 3 now and I’ve relied on family childcare since DS1 was a baby. I’ve learnt that, similar to what has been said on this thread, some things you need to let go. There needs to be a bit of flexibility on both sides. Safety like car seats etc are non negotiable but you do have to remember that things were different in “their day”- I’ll always remember my dad saying that when they brought me home from hospital as a newborn, they put me in a Moses basket in the back seat. So explain why things are different now and what the recommendation is.

My MIL used to look after DS1 one day a week and I’d had enough when I got to their house at 6pm one day and she’d left him in a dirty nappy all afternoon. She stopped looking after him for unrelated reasons shortly afterwards. As I said, pick your battles. The odd rusk and jar isn’t going to do your baby any harm.

My mum helps me with childcare still and we discuss things like what to do with them and a loose routine etc but she would never do something that was expressly against my wishes. I’m insistent on things like car seat safety and suncream etc but if DS2 falls asleep in the car too late then I let it go

[Branleuse]

I think id put up with most of that, but the car seat is the only issue that would be worth worrying about. A close relationship with a childs loving extended family is such a positive thing and much more important than jarred food or nap time differences

[SpacePug]

How she can think orange mush in a jar is 'real food' compared to something you've made yourself I'll never understand. But I would leave meals pre prepared for baby, if she brings along rusks/ baby snacks I'd not worry about it. The car seat thing is a big worry- rear facing is not negotiable, if she refuses to rear face then that's it, end of childcare arrangements. If she's having a car.seat in her car I would buy a rear facing only seat and a mirror and place in the back so she can see her without the need to move to the front. She may then not fit the seat correctly if she tried moving it in secret 😣

She needs to just respect your wishes, it must be so frustrating for you

[rantymcrantface66]

At just shy of a year old which baby will be by the time, id not be concerned about the food.

Agree re the sleep either working out or not therefore she'll do it your way rather than have a very grumpy baby

How likely is she to be taking baby in the car anyway? Just explain the laws are different now and this is what must legally happen. Assume she won't be gong out and buying her own for 3 days pw anyway?

[GettingItOutThere]

pay for childcare. I believe using family for childcare causes rifts as no-one has the same parenting styles!!

[starrynight87]

I think if she's doing it for free, you will need to compromise a little.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Car seats are one thing, but in the great scheme of things the food isn’t going to matter, so given that you’re getting free childcare, I think you need to let that go.

I used to do regular childcare for the first Gdc (now there are 3 it’s just one offs and emergencies) but I certainly didn’t do what dd and SiL did when it came to naps. They would sit with them endlessly, or drive them around in the car, or walk the streets with the buggy until they dropped off.

As an older granny (67 when the first arrived) I really needed that P and Q time, I just wasn’t prepared to spend ages getting them off. When I knew she was tired I put gdd in her cot with a kiss and a ‘time for sleepy-byes now’ and left her. Yes, she’d fuss or cry for a little while, but we still have a lovely relationship over 5 years later so I doubt it did her any harm.
And dd didn’t object at all - she appreciated the free childcare, and I dare say knew that if she did, I’d say, ‘Well, if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to pay someone else.’

[DietrichandDiMaggio]

[quote tiredmama2020]@LowlandLucky yes my DH has a say...he’s very much an equal parent!!

@ancientgran Regardless of how many days it will be - my question was about whether you expect family to respect and try to follow parenting choices you have made.[/quote]
I think a lot of grandparents scoff at the fact that parents make 'parenting choices', rather than what those choices are.
I think it's the overthinking and planning for every aspect of parenting that some parents do, as if children are a work project that needs to be managed, that some find perplexing.

[GoldBar]

The car seat is non-negotiable. The food would upset me, mainly because a baby does not need those things and is not asking for them. When you have a toddler/pre-schooler who would eat ice cream and chocolate all day if allowed to and granny wants to treat them, that's the time for compromise. But not a small baby who isn't even asking for them.

Luckily, MIL has similar views to me on food and, although my mother is more relaxed, she is happy to follow my rules. Which are not extensive...simply no sweets, juice or fizzy drinks. Plain chocolate, cake and ice cream fine, but try not to make my DC sick.

On the routine, let her crack on. Carting a screaming overtired baby about the place is hellish so she'll soon work out a routine that works for her and baby.

[gnushoes]

The only way you'll get someone following all your instructions is a nanny and even then they've got to use their initiative here and there. The car seat is the only non-negotiable here - the odd rusk is not going to damage your baby. And the baby will be with someone who really, really loves them and where there will be a lifetime relationship.

[Antwerpen]

Car seat non negotiable.... the rest you're being a bit precious about.

[gardeninggirl68]

Well looks like you will have to pay a professional op


It's not going to be your way. She will just do what she wants.

How will you find childcare that will just take your kid on random days on an ad-hoc basis?

[Hallyup6]

I'm with your mil, personally. For 6 days a month, I'd be grateful for the free child care. I'm a much more relaxed type of parent though, none of my kids have had a nap routine, or been rear facing in the car. By my 5th child, they were most definitely fitting into my day rather than the other way around.