To expect family to follow our parenting choices when looking after DS?

[tiredmama2020]

Will be going back to work 3 days per week in a couple of months. Husband works away from home for weeks at a time. Very lucky that my sister and MIL have offered to look after DS - it works out they’ll cover 6 days per month between then and DH will be there the rest of the month so won’t need their help.

If family look after your child - how much do you expect them to follow your parenting choices?
I’m very grateful that MIL has offered help but she’s making comments already that are making me a bit nervous that we’re going to have issues when the time comes 😓

A few examples:

• weaning is going well. Home cooking all his meals and he’s eating a great variety and loving his food. MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge and can finally get some ‘proper’ baby food into him” - she absolutely insists that baby’s NEED jars of puddings and Rusks after each meal. Obviously the odd one of these things isn’t going to do him any harm if she did give him one but personally, I don’t believe he needs any.
  
• he’s 9m old currently and napping twice a day. He’s definitely a baby who thrives off routine. I’m not super strict on it at all but. If we’re home, as soon as he shows signs of being tired I’ll get him in his sleeping bag and put him down in his cot with white noice and he’ll fall asleep - occasionally he’ll need rocked to sleep. MIL says he’s being “spoiled” and that a tired baby should sleep anywhere. No reason for him to be rocked/go to his cot. At that age hers would have just fallen asleep on their mat on the floor. If I’m out a walk with him and he’s not awake by the time we get home/back to the car and I have nothing else I need to be home for them I’ll keep walking with him until he wakes up - he sleeps better when the pram is moving. I don’t see an issue with it - he gets a better sleep, I get a bit more exercise, but MIL thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous.
  
• I’m also very much “baby comes first” so if I’m in the middle of doing something and he cries/fusses/wants fed etc then I’ll stop what I’m doing. MIL believes that baby should fit into your life so should be left until you’re finished what you’re doing.
  

There are also another couple of issues regarding car seats (she says she doesn’t want him in the backseat of her car as she’ll find it easier to have him in the front. And she thinks rear facing is ‘ridiculous’) but she won’t be looking after him at all if she doesn’t follow car seat safety so they’re not an issue.

Obviously he needs to fit in with her day but she’ll be looking after him from our house - I’ll have his meals all prepared just ready to be heated etc. AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

[saywhatwhatnow]

I agree about the car seats, the rest of it won't matter for a few days a month. In fact the sleep thing may work out well.

My parents have my DC (3&1) once a week, they are amazing grandparents but we've had a few 'annoying' situations. They get irritated with the rear facing car seat as it's hard to get DS in to, and have asked to turn it forwards a couple of times. I've been very firm and explained why not and they've accepted it. Mum is not the best cook so they all have a very basic lunch and I make sure I prep/leave something for the kids tea. Snacks and chocolate buttons are a free for all, but this has backfired on them a bit as a few times the kids haven't eaten any actual food and have turned feral. I explained that if they limit junk and get them to actually eat some lunch it may pan out a bit better. With naps I've just had to relax a bit, I do say no sleep after 4pm but other than that they do what they like/find easiest. I appreciate everything they do and my kids adore them and look forward to them coming every week!! We're currently isolating and DS1 started crying last night saying how much he misses Grandpa, that says it all really.

[FrenchFancie]

The car seat is the only thing that’s non negotiable - it’s not that long ago that the rules changed about rear facing, I know we turned out 8yo de at about 9 months (which was legal then). So she may genuinely not be aware of current rules.

Food and naps - you won’t get this kind of control at a nursery / setting so you would be unreasonable to expect mil to follow what you want to the letter.

[Crowsaregreat]

Eek, if these concerns have cropped up before she even starts, it doesn't bode well!

I think you should expect her to follow your parenting choices but the things you mention aren't really choices, they're following official advice eg reduce sugar, safe car seat in the back. Naps maybe less so! Show her the official info on the other things that explains why it reduces risk.

I'd also be trying to discuss changes in childrearing practice, eg how she raised her kids differently from how she was raised, how in turn that was different to how her parents were raised. It's not that many generations back that children were sent up chimneys or put to work in mills and mines!

I would try a few short sessions where she has him for a few hours before you need to rely on it for work, that way you can sort an alternative with less stress if you need to. She might also find it's harder work than she remembers and have second thoughts!

[Bunnycat101]

On car seats you just need to explain the benefits. You can’t expect her to realise tech abs understanding has moved on. Make sure she knows that if he’s in the front the airbag must be switched off. We have had similar discussions.

On risks, she’ll have to go out of her way to find them. I don’t think I’ve seen any tbh. If you think she’ll be determined re jars get a few of the Ella’s pouches. You may well find he’ll refuse to eat jar stuff off a spoon if he’s used to proper food. Sleep will be easier once he’s down to 1 nap. 2 naps is still quite hard logistically. Maybe compromise abs ask her to make sure 1 nap is in the cot if possible.

[Rosebel]

For 6 days a month I don't think it matters apart from the car seat. Insist she uses a rear facing one and if she must have it in the front make sure the airbag is off.
I don't think pudding 6 times a month will hurt and surely she'll use the food you provide.
I don't think it's a bad idea to get your baby used to sleeping anywhere and as your baby isn't newborn leaving him to fuss for a few minutes won't harm him either (as long as it is just a few minutes and he's safe).

[Sirzy]

I'd also be trying to discuss changes in childrearing practice, eg how she raised her kids differently from how she was raised, how in turn that was different to how her parents were raised. It's not that many generations back that children were sent up chimneys or put to work in mills and mines!

I’m not sure patronising her with “well things have changed” is a good way to build a good relationship!

[burritofan]

If he does sleep anywhere, not a problem. If like DD he’s a “cot or fuck off” baby, MIL will soon do it your way – because no one wants to look after an overtired baby.

Car seat you’ve already put your foot down on but be careful she actually adheres to that.

I wouldn’t be thrilled at the baby jars and rusks and other pointless crap, but I would sooner eat wasps than use my MIL for childcare anyway, so ¯<span class="underline">(ツ)/¯

Some of this seems a lot like a weird battle where she’s saying things like “being in charge” that could mean trouble is ahead and she’s determined to use her days to do things her way because it’s about control. But it might all be fine! Just have a backup plan to use paid childcare; they’re much more likely to listen when you need them to, such as curtailing naps etc.

[Crowsaregreat]

Also - learning that different people follow different rules is a valuable and beneficial experience for kids and all part of the fun. Especially when it's grandparents being a bit more lenient. You do have to remember that for GP, their parenting choices weren't that long ago and it can come across as if you're saying they took needless risk with their kids, eg were bad mothers. No wonder they get defensive! There were different levels of acceptable risk back then, as a kid in 80s and 90s I often travelled in the boot of our estate car on the motorway, with the dog! Or going in the back seat on someone's lap. Today's parenting can seem a bit overprotective.

[moita]

I'd put in him nursery or childminder

[Summerfun54321]

You’re going to have to learn to let go a little if you ask family to do you a favour and look after your child. Otherwise, put them in nursery where you can comment and complain without damaging close relationships. Your MIL just needs to be brought up to date on car seat advice, it’s changed quite a bit so no harm in telling her current advice.

[MadeOfStarStuff]

Car seat is non negotiable but the other stuff you have to weigh up if it’s worth the cost if free childcare im your home. If it’s not then you need to pay for proper childcare

[Datingandnoideahowto]

Nursery or childminder aren’t going to do things the op’s way either though. For that she would need a nanny. And even then it might not work.

[MoreAloneTime]

I think family childcare only really works if either the parents are very relaxed or the parents and caregivers have the same ways of doing things.

[VanGoSunflowers]

I would not leave my child with your MIL full stop. She has zero respect (or common sense, for that matter)

[ittakes2]

You'll get plenty advice about the m'n'law situation I just wanted to feed back you are making a rod for your own back saying you drop everything when he wants attention. It might be OK now as a small baby - but a crying toddler - an older child - an adult man ... expecting females and others to drop everything when he wants attention is not a good look. Especially if you are thinking of having more children...totally impossible to sustain and then he will start acting up when he doesn't get the attention levels he is used to.

[reluctantbrit]

I would let the food issue go, it's just a handful of days. The nursery spoon-fed DD for lunch while we did BLW, 4 meals a week is hardly an issue.

I think the nap issue depends on how flexible your child is. Mine would have thrown a hissy-fit when overtired and by 9 months it worked a lot better when she had her scheduled naps or at least napping in the pram when we were out.

Fitting in your life - again, it depends what it means. An overtired or overly hungry baby is a nightmare so these things were priorities. A bit of grumpy baby is not the end of the world and I wouldn't rush at any small noise.

Car seat - absolutely not acceptable and in my opinion a deal breaker.

Saying that - I would always go for paid childcare, it is not worth destroying a family relationship over childcare differences.

[IslandSnow]

The only way to make this work is to choose your battles very carefully- and almost ignore the personal preference stuff (ie food) so you have more credit in the bank to deal with the safety stuff (ie car seat)

[IceCreamAndCandyfloss]

The car seat you need to iron out but unless you have a nanny then no childcare provider is going to follow your exact routine as they will have others babies etc to look after.

[Hollyhead]

I would agree that car safety is non negotiable. The rest of the stuff I’d let go. They change a lot between 9 and 11 months anyway, and your baby is on the cusp of toddlerhood where some of these more baby like routines get dropped/shifted anyway. It’s not unlikely that within a month or so of starting they’ll have dropped to 1 long afternoon nap instead of two etc.

[Dahlietta]

All those saying “pay for childcare”, it’s not going to be easy to find childcare for 3 days a month!
I would feel like you, OP. It’s not even necessarily the things she’s said already (apart from the car seat), it’s the fact that she seems to openly scoff at your choices. That said, assuming you trust you trust her to use the car seat properly, you might just have to suck it up. Unless your sister would have him for the six days?

[Hopeisnotastrategy]

Other than the car seat these sound like minor issues. Pick your battles and be grateful for the help.

[FourTeaFallOut]

It's not just an economic decision though. Having an eager, loving and willing grandparent who lives close enough to be a part of your child's life is an absolute bonus in your family.

Yes, absolutely, hold firm on the car seats but then let the brakes off a little. I'd really advise you not to undermine her confidence for the sake of pudding and nap times. The long game is that you have another trusted adult in the world who your child loves who can pick up the reins not just for a few days a month to work but potentially when you need emergency care, (or a night out) and the more familiar they are with each other alone, the better. Don't burn that bridge for pudding.

[LunaAndHerMoonDragons]

@tiredmama2020

Will be going back to work 3 days per week in a couple of months. Husband works away from home for weeks at a time. Very lucky that my sister and MIL have offered to look after DS - it works out they’ll cover 6 days per month between then and DH will be there the rest of the month so won’t need their help.

If family look after your child - how much do you expect them to follow your parenting choices?
I’m very grateful that MIL has offered help but she’s making comments already that are making me a bit nervous that we’re going to have issues when the time comes 😓

A few examples:

• weaning is going well. Home cooking all his meals and he’s eating a great variety and loving his food. MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge and can finally get some ‘proper’ baby food into him” - she absolutely insists that baby’s NEED jars of puddings and Rusks after each meal. Obviously the odd one of these things isn’t going to do him any harm if she did give him one but personally, I don’t believe he needs any.
• he’s 9m old currently and napping twice a day. He’s definitely a baby who thrives off routine. I’m not super strict on it at all but. If we’re home, as soon as he shows signs of being tired I’ll get him in his sleeping bag and put him down in his cot with white noice and he’ll fall asleep - occasionally he’ll need rocked to sleep. MIL says he’s being “spoiled” and that a tired baby should sleep anywhere. No reason for him to be rocked/go to his cot. At that age hers would have just fallen asleep on their mat on the floor. If I’m out a walk with him and he’s not awake by the time we get home/back to the car and I have nothing else I need to be home for them I’ll keep walking with him until he wakes up - he sleeps better when the pram is moving. I don’t see an issue with it - he gets a better sleep, I get a bit more exercise, but MIL thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous.
• I’m also very much “baby comes first” so if I’m in the middle of doing something and he cries/fusses/wants fed etc then I’ll stop what I’m doing. MIL believes that baby should fit into your life so should be left until you’re finished what you’re doing.

There are also another couple of issues regarding car seats (she says she doesn’t want him in the backseat of her car as she’ll find it easier to have him in the front. And she thinks rear facing is ‘ridiculous’) but she won’t be looking after him at all if she doesn’t follow car seat safety so they’re not an issue.

Obviously he needs to fit in with her day but she’ll be looking after him from our house - I’ll have his meals all prepared just ready to be heated etc. AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

I don't know about UK, but where I live it's illegal to have a child under 7 in the front seat unless every other seat is taken by a younger child. And no forward facing before 1. If you're getting free child care you have to be flexible and how they're cared for, but the car seat that's the hill to die on. I would be finding a child care place for him. She hasn't even had him yet and there's already issues.

[ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp]

This lack of respect for your preferences is only going to get worse. Seriously.

I'd start paying for childcare. Mil doesn't care one jot about your preferences.

[JoborPlay]

Being really honest- if I trust someone to look after my child I trust them. Full stop. I might say that DC have 2 naps at roughly X & y time but that's it.

If I want my children cared for in a particular way, I pay for childcare.