To expect family to follow our parenting choices when looking after DS?

[tiredmama2020]

Will be going back to work 3 days per week in a couple of months. Husband works away from home for weeks at a time. Very lucky that my sister and MIL have offered to look after DS - it works out they’ll cover 6 days per month between then and DH will be there the rest of the month so won’t need their help.

If family look after your child - how much do you expect them to follow your parenting choices?
I’m very grateful that MIL has offered help but she’s making comments already that are making me a bit nervous that we’re going to have issues when the time comes 😓

A few examples:

• weaning is going well. Home cooking all his meals and he’s eating a great variety and loving his food. MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge and can finally get some ‘proper’ baby food into him” - she absolutely insists that baby’s NEED jars of puddings and Rusks after each meal. Obviously the odd one of these things isn’t going to do him any harm if she did give him one but personally, I don’t believe he needs any.
  
• he’s 9m old currently and napping twice a day. He’s definitely a baby who thrives off routine. I’m not super strict on it at all but. If we’re home, as soon as he shows signs of being tired I’ll get him in his sleeping bag and put him down in his cot with white noice and he’ll fall asleep - occasionally he’ll need rocked to sleep. MIL says he’s being “spoiled” and that a tired baby should sleep anywhere. No reason for him to be rocked/go to his cot. At that age hers would have just fallen asleep on their mat on the floor. If I’m out a walk with him and he’s not awake by the time we get home/back to the car and I have nothing else I need to be home for them I’ll keep walking with him until he wakes up - he sleeps better when the pram is moving. I don’t see an issue with it - he gets a better sleep, I get a bit more exercise, but MIL thinks it’s absolutely ridiculous.
  
• I’m also very much “baby comes first” so if I’m in the middle of doing something and he cries/fusses/wants fed etc then I’ll stop what I’m doing. MIL believes that baby should fit into your life so should be left until you’re finished what you’re doing.
  

There are also another couple of issues regarding car seats (she says she doesn’t want him in the backseat of her car as she’ll find it easier to have him in the front. And she thinks rear facing is ‘ridiculous’) but she won’t be looking after him at all if she doesn’t follow car seat safety so they’re not an issue.

Obviously he needs to fit in with her day but she’ll be looking after him from our house - I’ll have his meals all prepared just ready to be heated etc. AIBU to expect her to feed him what we want and to follow his normal nap routine if they’re in the house?

[Blueroses99]

Is MIL suggesting a pudding jar after meal or instead of a homemade meal? It sounds like you are suggesting the latter. Not ideal but she will have to deal with the resulting sugar rush so she might change her mind 🤷🏽‍♀️

[TheMoth]

Car seat: def non negotiable.

The rest... just have to let it go.

My mum looked after mine twice a week. Saved me a fortune. In return, I turned a blind eye to the bits I didn't agree with. Like feeding them dry (no sauce) pasta and egg cos she couldn't work out what veggie children would eat.

Dc have survived to be tweens without any damage. Dry pasta and egg is now a joke response to 'what do you want for tea?'What memories they have of that time are very fond. Their nain's main job was loving them and playing with them, whereas tbh, I was always distracted by a million other things.

[WavesAndLeaves]

@ssd

I think the op will struggle leaving him with anyone.

That's just bollocks. I know my mum and especially my MIL have opinions about my and DH's parenting choices, but because they're not dicks they don't say anything and respect our choices, because they respect us.

I agree with others generally, that you might just have to swallow your MIL giving puddings etc, but frankly her attitude stinks, and if I were you it would really damage my relationship with her.

[Somuchgoo]

My parents do childcare (along with a CM) for our children. For my first, I fretted about how she'd nap as she would go to sleep in a sling, and my parents didn't want to try that. I wrote an embarrasingly long note with details in routine etc.

They found their own way. And it worked for them.

My second still breastfeeds to sleep at 2.5. how on earth could she he cared for by her own father, my parents, or the childminder. They found their own way and it works for them.

She goes to sleep in a pushchair after a walk, with my parents, a sling for my husband, and just magically lies down and sleeps at the childminders. I didn't micromanage how they did this, they all know her rough routine (obviously my husband more as he's part of it) and they sorted it out.

When she's with my parents, I don't know what food they feed her usually. I don't know their plans for the day or who they see unless they tell me afterwards (they sometimes send pictures).But I trust that they will be sensible enough as they love her.

Unless you think they are going to mistreat him/properly leave him to cry for prolonged periods, then I'd just leave them to the small stuff.

Car seats are a different matter, though they can safely be in the front rear facing with the airbag turned off. Or just make sure she has a mirror so she can still see baby.

The benefits of family childcare can be huge, and a nursery/CM wouldn't be able to give the level of routine or attention you are after anyway. But it'll only work if you just let them get on with it for the most part.

[tiredmama2020]

Obviously she is doing us a huge favour here, but just to be clear, my sister was going to be covering all childcare and MIL has asked if she can take him. We did not ever approach anyone and ask them to provide childcare.

And about my first post, I would never expect anyone to continue walking with my child just to keep him asleep. I was just giving an example of another thing that she scoffs at. It’s not practical for other people to have to do that! I don’t do it myself if I have other things that we need to get done 😊

As for dropping everything when he makes a noise - that’s really not what I meant 🙈🤣 he is my first so I’ll hold my hands up and say I probably jump and attend to him far more quickly than I need to but I am on my own with him for 2 weeks at a time and need to get other things done so I can’t always just drop everything. However, if I’m doing the ironing etc and DS cries or needs a nappy change or is hungry etc then I will tend to him before I continue what I’m doing. MIL believes that is wrong. If I’m showering/having a meal etc and he’s having a whine then he’s absolutely fine to wait. I’ll just chat/song to him and entertain him until I’m done.

[TubeOfSmarties]

With the exception of important things like car seat safety, you are going to have to let go a bit, whoever is looking after your child. If your MIL were looking after him a full 3 days per week, I'd suggest looking at whether she was the right childcare option if you don't like her methods. For the 3 or 4 days a month she's going to have him though, just be grateful that you have a free and flexible option, and let your son enjoy some Grandma time and the odd pudding (provide ones that you're happy with if need be).

As for the "drop everything if he whinges", if you have been on mat leave and able to do that then fine but your MIL is right, it's not sustainable over the long term.

[Aprilinspringtimeshower]

@Crispyturtle

There’s no childcare setting thats going to look after your kid like you do, unless you pay for a nanny. For a few days a month I wouldn’t sweat about naps or food. As a pp has said, it’s really useful for a kid to be able to sleep anywhere.

But totally agree that she follows proper safety advice re the car seat. If she won’t do that you definitely need to make other arrangements.

This.
If you had to put your child into a nursery or childminder , you’d have even less control . You’d have to fit around their schedules.
My experience of baby going to childminder is that they adapt to different routines easily. At one house they know they’ll have a nap in one place, and at the childcare it’s different. I could never understand how, when my energetic DS was in nursery they could get him to take a nap at same time as other kids just lying on mats on floors, whereas at home he never napped by that age.
3 or even 6 days a month will make no difference to your own routines. If your baby is fed less than perfect food 3-6 times a month, well that mild to the crap they’ll eat when they get to 8,9, 10 or even 17! Your home is where you can try to lay down habits of healthy eating- but really , you won’t be able to control it totally for ever.

Don’t forget raising your child is not about the here and now, or being a perfect parent for the first 2 years when they are a baby- as much as you think it is. You’re in for a long haul marathon lasting at least 18 years. You cannot wrap your child in cotton wool, just teach them how to look after themselves, make sensible decisions for themselves, and teach them independence and resilience. That starts with allowing them to experience and adapt to another parenting style.

[KingdomScrolls]

DM and MIL look after DS and it's on our terms, if they hadn't been ok with that he'd be in nursery more days but both asked to have him we didn't ask them. DM was a nursery nurse and nursery manager for years and says she raised her children the way she wanted to now it is what we choose to do, if we're struggling with something I will ask her above because of her experience. MIL had a very controlling and interfering mother and says she'd never subject us to that so is happy to do as we ask. Both walked DS for miles in the pram when he was small and going through a tough sleeping patch, we don't give him sweets added sugar, McDonald's etc and neither do they and I make sure there are plenty of home cooked foods easy but fresh/homemade snack and picnic type items so they're not tied to the house with him. Now he's a bit older we don't mind the occasional ice cream on a day out etc and they enjoy treating him. We expect him to be tied and messy and that's fine. But all parties understand it's important for children to have consistent messages and that includes food/mealtimes, naps, behaviour, methods of discipline/times and boundaries or the poor child won't know whether they are coming or going and you can end up with the adults being pitted against each other 'grandma let's me have sweets before dinner' etc

[HoppingPavlova]

The only issue I see is the car seat. Everything else seems mad to expect someone to do the same as you. Even if you use standard childcare they won’t do the things you are asking your MIL to do and you are paying them! You will only get this if you hire a personal nanny which at this point seems your only option.

Personally, I’d die on the hill of the car seat and trade everything else off. If you can’t get agreement on the car seat then you will either have to use a nanny or routine nursery setting where child seat is not an issue and also accept your other wants won’t fit with them either.

[Kanaloa]

I think you need to relax. As a pp said unless you want to pay for a professional nanny, nobody is going to adhere to all your childcare preferences. A nursery wouldn’t generally rock your baby to sleep/walk with them for ages so they sleep/jump to attend to them immediately, so if you want to work rather than be a stay at home mum you need to accept that your child won’t be attended to exactly as you would do it.

The car thing is worrying though. If she genuinely wouldn’t adhere to car safety I would rethink altogether.

[IonaLeg]

To be honest, she doesn’t sound like a suitable person to provide childcare. You’re absolutely not unreasonable to want someone to follow your rules / preferences, and she isn’t going to do that.

Of course a few baby food jars here and there aren’t an issue. But what about when it’s something more serious? She’s already shown you she has very little regard for safety with her views on the car seat. Even if that’s a non-negotiable for you, what else is lurking that you don’t know about yet and which could be hugely dangerous? Feeding him food which is actually dangerous / not cutting up grapes or tomatoes / not following safe sleep rules / inadequate supervision etc. All of these could very easily come up, and if you can’t 100% trust her to do the right thing, she’s not a safe pair of hands for your baby.

I would see if your sister is still available to have your baby for all of the required days, or look into paid childcare. You can still ensure a good relationship between your MIL and your baby by facilitating them spending time together with you or your husband present. And if she changes her attitude, you can revisit the arrangement.

[roguetomato]

I think it's not going to be a good arrangement if you want MIL to follow your rule in every detail, and you already know there's difference in parenting style.
Apart from safety issues, I think it's unreasonable for you to dictate everything she does, unless you are paying.

[Flittingaboutagain]

Hi OP.

You sound like a brilliant responsive mum on track to raise a securely attached child. Don't let anyone else thwart you.

I do agree that you're in for trouble here. I'd be tempted to make it clear to MIL that as she asked to have your baby and whilst that's lovely of her, some of your preferences need to be followed.

[IcedSpice]

@PermanentTemporary

I think there are things to have a battle about and things not to - it does actually sound as if you know that - car seats are a deal breaker, rusks aren't. But I'd agree that this sounds like it's going to be difficult. 3 days a week is a lot for 'granny's rules' which is probably the reality.

its not 3 days a week, op is working 3 days a week

its 6 days a month

[WavesAndLeaves]

@IonaLeg

To be honest, she doesn’t sound like a suitable person to provide childcare. You’re absolutely not unreasonable to want someone to follow your rules / preferences, and she isn’t going to do that.

Of course a few baby food jars here and there aren’t an issue. But what about when it’s something more serious? She’s already shown you she has very little regard for safety with her views on the car seat. Even if that’s a non-negotiable for you, what else is lurking that you don’t know about yet and which could be hugely dangerous? Feeding him food which is actually dangerous / not cutting up grapes or tomatoes / not following safe sleep rules / inadequate supervision etc. All of these could very easily come up, and if you can’t 100% trust her to do the right thing, she’s not a safe pair of hands for your baby.

I would see if your sister is still available to have your baby for all of the required days, or look into paid childcare. You can still ensure a good relationship between your MIL and your baby by facilitating them spending time together with you or your husband present. And if she changes her attitude, you can revisit the arrangement.

This is a very good point

[Mulhollandmagoo]

My mum looks after my daughter one day per week, and she doesn't care for my daughter the way I would but it works for them - by which I mean she'll have one too many treats and she'll take her out in the car so she gets a nap, but yours is much more than that! A 9mo forward facing in the front is ridiculous, that's a saftey issue

[aSofaNearYou]

I agree with the general consensus here. The car seat thing is important but all the other things you will simply have to relax on if you want basically any form of childcare. None of those things will harm him for 6 days a month, and in fact they might do him some good. I did similar things to you when my DD was a baby, and now one of the main reasons she's in nursery for some of the time is to get her used to breaking OUT of her routine. Being too rigid with your routine can actually be setting yourself up for trouble later. I would say a few days a month of something different would probably be pretty beneficial to him.

[EmbarrassingMama]

@Postdatedpandemic

You can try to get her to follow your choices but don't expect to succeed. She raised your DH and will see no need to change. Pudding three days a month is just fine, different food may even be a good thing. Free childcare comes with a lot of catches.

The hill to die on is the car seat. Turn her airbag off for her.

I initially read this as "turn her airbag off" which I thought was pretty brutal!

[Quartz2208]

If your sister is willing to cover it all why dont you go back to that.

I think each person doing childcare has to adapt your choices to themselves - but here she is just wanting to do things her way

[Abitlostrightnow]

Pay for childcare. The car seat thing is just dangerous and the rest, albeit absolutely fine and entirely your choice, will likely cause conflict as you have such different ideas.

[Maggiesfarm]

@TubeOfSmarties

With the exception of important things like car seat safety, you are going to have to let go a bit, whoever is looking after your child. If your MIL were looking after him a full 3 days per week, I'd suggest looking at whether she was the right childcare option if you don't like her methods. For the 3 or 4 days a month she's going to have him though, just be grateful that you have a free and flexible option, and let your son enjoy some Grandma time and the odd pudding (provide ones that you're happy with if need be).

As for the "drop everything if he whinges", if you have been on mat leave and able to do that then fine but your MIL is right, it's not sustainable over the long term.

I agree with that.

When he goes to school or pre school he'll be making friends with other children, going to their houses and eating all sorts of things.

Your son will spend most of his time with you, a few exceptions where routine and some food is different, won't hurt him. It's life.

[crowsfeet57]

Its almost impossible for an older person to bend well enough and fold themselves up to get into the back seat of her small 3 door car to strap down a rear facing baby/toddler

My DS and DDIL have a seat that swivels so it is easy to put DGS into it. I really wish they had been available my DC were small!

[LowlandLucky]

Other than the car seat issue i think you need to realise that your MIL is doing you a favour by giving up her time away from her home to car for your child. She must have done a half decent job on her own children has the are alive and kicking. I think you need to understand you cannot control every aspect of your child's life ( is your DH allowed a say ) Even if your child went to daycare they will not follow your demands to the letter, they have other children to look after too i.e if they took your baby out for a walk they wouldn't keep walking until he woke up. I

[Psychonabike]

As soon as I read MIL “can’t wait until she gets to be in charge... I thought you should go for some paid arrangement.

That attitude, that disrespect would make MIL a no-go for me.

As a parent you need to be confident that you know your child best and you are making decisions that are best for them. You'll spend the next couple of decades doubting yourself if not.

It's not about the little things (although the car seat is not a little thing) but more about the attitude here. It's very likely that there will be more and more that she does her way when she is "in charge".

[Mischance]

Whatever your choice of child care, the routine that you have established with him will be majorly disrupted - just a fact of life. And that disruption is likely to spill over into life at home when he is with you.

There are disruptions in children's lives all the way through; transitions to be weathered, and from which they and you will learn.

I am on the other side of this, having cared for 2 of my DGC twice a week from the age of 9 months - so that Mum could go to work. I tried to replicate as much as possible of what my DD did with them; but they did develop different routines and rituals when with me - and there is no harm in them learning that different people do things differently.

The problem in your case is that your MIL is critical of some of your parenting choices - not something that I would ever have dreamt of doing! My DDs could have faith in me to stick to their rules as far as was possible; but also respected that there would be some differences, and they were OK with that. The reason that it worked was because they TRUSTED me. In
your scenario there is no trust, so frankly there is no hope of it working happily.

I would abandon the idea and look elsewhere for care.